I’m so glad I finally have time to go to yoga today. Also on list IRS paperwork. I just have to retrieve my great, great grandmothers dental records and other such obscurities but hey….. I’m gonna just keep playing along. Especially since I’m the one asking for clemency here.
Yoga here I come. Woot woot!
Plus it will knock this horny energy away. I don’t get to fuck Brad until later this weekend.
Last night I had Brad take me to dinner. My favorite restaurant of course, not super cheap. I was craving their yummy charbroiled burger and duck fat fries. Once I got there though the steak sounded pretty good. So the waiter comes and I had forgotten to pick an entree. I couldn’t decide. So I asked Brad “who’s paying?” He said he was, maybe because I put him on the spot but probably not.
So I ordered the burger. He wanted to stop me as I was ordering to ask what I really wanted but I proceeded to get deep into the conversation with the waiter and ignored him. I told him later when he pressed that I probably would have ordered the steak had I been paying. I’m not saying that it’s the most financially reasonable choice but I can make those kind of decisions with my money.
I refuse to be a burden to him. He had -$63 in his bank account last week. And I saw him wire his daughter $300 an hour earlier. Look. I like being treated and lavished nice things on. Who the hell doesn’t? But not at anyone’s detriment. The only burden I want to take on is my own and even that I prefer not to take too serious. That’s how people have heart attacks…IMO.
Overall I guess I was a bit bratty in how it all transpired, although that hadn’t been my intention. I can laugh about it. Hopefully he can too.
I don’t mind being a bossy bitch when I really need to be. I don’t want the role but when someone needs me to rise to it… and the cause merits it, I can do it.
In a relationship situation it comes easily. I don’t let my partner stagnate or give up, unless I see they just need some respite. I try to access each situation and provide the fire for the ignition as needed. I prefer not to be the bossy bitch, but sometimes it’s called for. It just is.
This whole making love thing is NOT one of those situations. I need to see his own initiative. I need him to really try. I can’t direct him here. I just can’t. I can try to redirect him with non-verbal cues, but we haven’t gotten there. He never seems to try or maybe I’m just not seeing it. There is definitely a huge disconnect happening here. I try not to get frustrated but sometimes I just can’t help it. I just can’t.
Being a bossy bitch isn’t my thing really, but sometimes it gets results when nothing else seems to. This can’t be one of those times. I guess we’ll see.
I already told Brad and he knows I mean this. The next time he breaks up with me is going to be the last time. I’m not a fucking puppet. If I break up with him and he chooses to come back and work at it…. different story. It’s like how I feel about marriage and divorce. When I was married I never once uttered the word divorce because in my head when that words comes out it’s meant and I was very conscious of the severity of that. It was not a game or a tactical maneuver.
When I finally did utter the word we ended up divorced about a year later. I was at peace with it, even if it wasn’t what I truly wanted.
The same goes for relationships. I don’t threaten to leave until I really feel it’s a necessary thing to say…until I can see the precipice clearly.
“It ain’t over til it’s over” – Lenny Kravitz
Brad says he definitely wants a foursome with a female not 2 males. Read: fun with another vagina. It’s hard to keep up with him. He’s so perverted. He surprises me when he leans into more vanilla play. He also keeps telling me he is going to bring a friend over to fuck me. It’s a hot as hell thought and I really want to indulge him and experience that but I have body insecurities.
Clothed I’m ok. Naked ummmmmmm…. sometimes….just depends how comfortable I feel. Who it’s with. A stranger with their judgement and porn ideals is too much for me to deal with. I don’t know if I can grant him this one. Maybe once I get to know the person and establish desire and acceptance. A foursome with another female presents similar problems in my head. A bit of dread.
It’s what I most love about being a Domme. When I leave the house as a Domme in my wig and attire I know it will all be in place the whole night because I dictate the entire event and when it comes off, which it has once, it is of my accord and well worth it to me.
Fortunately I can table all of this until after we make love and seeing that he has put very little effort into that I don’t have to trouble my pretty little brain with any of this right now. 😝