I was reading this fascinating story earlier today about fap. It got me thinking about my own abstinence. Even when I’ve gone long stretches of time without partnered sex I still masturbate to completion. I think in my entire adult life I’ve never gone more than a couple months without sexual stimulation and release. I’ve always wondered could I, would I and should I abstain? And the resounding answer for me has always been absolutely not.
I need those oxytocin and endorphine releases desperately. Lack of orgasms only leads to frustration, moodiness, and depression. And orgasms are like a giant cure all for me. Like the Band-Aids that used to relieve all ailments when my girls were too little to know better. I can be sick, tired, grouchy, angry, hungry; sex will (at least temporarily) remedy almost anything…. especially good sex.
Maybe this has more to do with nymphomania than normal behavior, maybe not, no matter. I’ll take it. How often can one thing consistently make all things better?
All the same I’ve turned Brad down a few times now for sex, which I assured him would never happen when we first started dating. Why? It’s always been a combination of exhaustion and not wanting to be man-handled.
When I’m that tired I need him to not only put in almost all the effort but I also need to be treated very tender and lovingly. That is not in his wheelhouse…..yet. And I don’t want either of us frustrated so it’s easier to just abstain. I’m all for the inherent learning curve necessary for a new skill, but just not at that point. Because at that point I’m a horrible teacher. Think old pursed-lips Catholic School marm and replace her ruler with exasperated sighs and looks of complete disdain.
Doesn’t that sound wretched? No one wants that? Well…..lol…. I don’t. I don’t want to be that. So I turned him down again last night after not having sex for a few days. It’s a long period for us. He asked if this was our relationship now, if we were getting old? I laughed. I know I should explain things better to him but I don’t want him disappointed in himself. I don’t want him frustrated. Maybe I’m not giving him enough benefit of the doubt. Maybe I’m not letting him in enough. These are things to consider.
This relationship is challenging me in ways I had not seen coming. It’s not a bad thing. If anything it’s intriguing to learn new things and have new experiences. Turning down sex is definitely one of those new things; completely new in the context of a loving relationship. Lol. Who knew I had it in me?
My life is off balance. Brad due to his injuries is not a very active person, athletically speaking. Exercise beyond sex is not on the agenda. Now that he is in my life my yoga/gym routine has fallen to the wayside and been replaced with many, many, many meals out. You can imagine what this has done to my waist line? It’s there somewhere…. I think. I just hit my absolute weight height yesterday. The one I promised myself I would never pass again. I am a fraction of a pound there. The horror!!!!!!
I absolutely can’t cut anything else out though, except sleep. Sooo. I may have to do what I used to do in my youth. Wake up at the crack of dawn to have an exercise routine. Consistency is necessary in any endeavor but most especially exercise. I’m not looking forward to it but I see no other way. Nothing else can be shuffled around. My house is already a mess. I have no where else to draw time from. Luckily I’m a morning person, so once I roll myself out of bed I’ll be fine. It’s the rolling out that early that will be a huge challenge at first. I sometimes wish that George Jetson bed existed in real life.
The one that pops you out of bed, dresses you, brushes your teeth and sets you on the way. I used to love that show. We’ll be there soon enough. At which point I’ll hate it and complain abysmally about laziness, complacency and computers running our lives. No wait. I already complain about all that. Lol