Sugar sadness, phone madness, paradise, lottery tickets, & clarity

Still feeling sad today. Why did I walk out of the store with a new phone and no new case for it? I know myself. I drop my phone constantly. Me trying to save $30 must now must spend the $250 deductible to get a new phone because I broke the screen, chipped the phone case and it’s been acting wierd.

———

I have the phone set up with a new landscape screen saver every day. Today was this one. Makes me wish I was there.

Wherever this is. I don’t even care. I’ll take those problems today. Whatever they may be. That is the funny thing about other lives, and other experiences. We never really know the problems that lurk there until we experience them ourselves.

———

Sugar really has a way of messing with my mood I’m realizing. I thought it destabilized my weight loss attempts but now I see it goes beyond that. I went on a sugar bender for two days and I feel like crap. I’m still in the middle of doing this detox thing too. The last thing I ate last night was sugar and I woke up wanting to vomit today. Too much emotional crap. Too much physical crap. Too much crap in general.

It’s fine. I’m alright. I am realizing I haven’t taken a vacation. A real vacation in over a year and a half. I need a few days at the beach or somewhere in nature. Somewhere away from everything. I need a few days to remember what it is I love about my life so much. A few days to get away so I can remember what it is I want to come back to. Maybe I should go on a retreat. A weekend retreat. Ha. Laughable. On what budget would that be? Well…. I keep buying lottery tickets. Maybe I need to stop and invest that tiny bit of money into a vacation fund. That would make much more sense.

I’m not even out of bed and I have a whole new way to add benefit to my life. Is it worth losing my ability to dream of winning the lottery? There’s a saying in Spanish which basically says “what’s yours, no one can take from you”. It’s very much in tune with the “if it’s meant to be, it will be” saying. Wow! I have been buying lottery tickets my whole adult life. Guess it was time for a shift. Losing a dream and opting for a better reality. Guess I’m not done growing up. Who knew?

——-

My psychologist says that I must demonstrate for Brad what making love means to me. I thought I did that already. Guess I must keep doing it until he catches on. Frustrating. Can you believe…. can anyone believe Brad and I are going to go to couples counseling? I’m having a hard time believing it myself and I set it up. I guess this will truly be our last attempt to rectify our communication issues. Seems silly probably but I’m willing to make the investment.

I’m a bit of a die hard that way. I don’t give up on people or relationships until I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it’s over. It’s why I have a revolving door of friends from decades old that come back into my life and it’s like time stood still. I fall back in love with them like we have been with each other the entire time. I try to find that with everyone in my life. I try to find the connection.

I suppose the deeper the connection the more issues can arise. Maybe? IDK. We aren’t spring chickens, Brad and I. We both have baggage and histories and our own darkness. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we’re missing something easy that neither of us grasps. Let’s see what comes of it. At the very least I’m hoping for clarity for both of us.

——

Exercise or sex or preferably both need to be on the agenda today. I need seratonin and endorphins. Stat. Stat people!!! Lol

💋💋💖

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

11 thoughts on “Sugar sadness, phone madness, paradise, lottery tickets, & clarity”

  1. Hang in there, Porngirl. I struggle with refined sugar myself. It can be difficult. There is a similar Italian phrase; “Que será, será”; what will be, will be. Every time I think I have a hold on life it changes. When I practice; acceptance it rolls easier.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hanging on to people forever. Lol. I never saw it that way. Interesting perspective. I see it as people leaving imprints on me. Good or bad they are there and can be opened with a flicker. It’s nice to open up to sweet memories. It’s the bad ones that are difficult.

      I keep opening wounds with my mother and I don’t want to mimic our old patterns of hurting each other and yet…..the wheelbarrow marks are so worn on our path that’s it’s almost impossible to not fall into it. Again and again.

      I don’t cut people off because everyone has value. And to refute that goes against one of my very core beliefs. Not that I don’t keep my distance from people I have found I absolutely need to for my own well being. But they aren’t dead to me. Lol.

      It’s worth revisiting this stance though. Definitely not during the holidays though. Too much emotional turmoil as it is. 💋

      Like

      1. I have a “friend”. We were close for a while. We made him Godfather to our son. He then became more and more distant. I missed his companionship and conversation. I dream we may be friends again. I hang on. The good part of hanging on to friends are my high school friends of fifty years ago, I see and talk with regularly.

        Liked by 1 person

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