I don’t entertain nonchalant men. I need a man to make it known beyond a shadow of doubt that he wants me, needs me, is desperate for ME and me alone. Why? Lol well…… because it’s fucking glorious to be the center of one person’s universe. It isn’t a matter of worthy or unworthiness. It’s a matter of absolute necessity to me. Because otherwise what’s the damn point? I’d rather be alone than be someone’s just ok, just for now or good enough. Nope. Next!

But how many men do I need? Truthfully, I need one. Just ONE. Last night my business mentor threw me a curve ball with trying to make our arrangement more personal. He was not shy about it either. This is a wonderful man. Emotionally mature and available, settled in life, understanding, transparent and vulnerable….he also has children my age, but more importantly I have been in this on again / off again pattern with Brad and haven’t quite thrown in the towel on that yet.

If I were not with Brad would I entertain him? I’m not sure honestly. I was told by my psychologist that I need to go out with men that I don’t have a magnetic pull towards. Men that don’t make me swoon, because those men all seem to mimic a pattern I need to avoid. Harsh. πŸ˜’

(You know….. I didn’t ask for the difficulties in my life. I didn’t ask for problems most people can’t wrap their heads around. I didn’t ask to have so much heaviness surrounding me. And while I take it all in stride and just make the most of it, it still makes it hard to make friends. It makes it hard to date. It makes it hard to navigate the delicate balancing act I must always maintain. One people don’t see and aren’t aware of but colors my life so many shades of deep emotional pain.)

My mom says “I can see the allure for Brad. You’re his damsel in distress”. I hate that. I don’t see myself that way. All I want and need from a man is love, understanding, to be my rock and my support but most importantly I need an oasis from the turmoil in my life. As of now Brad both adds and takes away stress and if we can’t balance this out more in favor of taking away or at the very least NOT adding then it’s doomed.

But I’m going one day at a time here. Trying to just go with the flow. I have no idea what the future holds. I know what I want and I know what I will and won’t put up with. I know I need respite. I need adoration. I need space to be myself and an understanding of my needs and fulfilment of my deepest yearnings. I long to give myself fully and completely to a man….. give all my love, my life, my entire being over to a love so true.

I mean… I’ve only waited my whole life to do this. I’m not settling. When it comes it will come. When I know, I will know. I don’t need to justify myself. These are my needs. These are my desires. One day one man will find himself with a love like no other. I guess we shall see who that will be.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

6 thoughts on “Nonchalant”

  1. My favorite part about creating my blog, and being on WordPress, is seeing seemingly disparate folks, with different kinks and needs and pain and pleasure, all have one thing in common: desire to feel whole.
    The gods sliced us all in half in the great Hellenic War so we we’d spend our entire lives searching for our other half, not rebelling against the gods.
    I have a thing for the Greek origin of soul mates.
    Some of us need one, some two, some none, but we all want to be whole in some shape or form.
    You’re one of my fav bloggers.
    I’m drunk, again, so this might not make sense. Sorry if it doesn’t. But not sorry for what I said :).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. You’re so cute. Makes me wish I could drink. I’d be cheering with you.

      Soul mates: it’s a loaded idea. I can’t say whether I believe there is just one person for each of us or one person for each stage of our lives or what exactly. Its not so much that I believe it to be true it’s that I’ve felt the pull since I can remember. And the desire and need is one I’ve never been able to shake.

      Enjoy yourself tonight. Hoping you don’t pay for it too much tomorrow. Sending your liver a kiss. πŸ’‹πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Cheers to the joint I think you smoke then :).

        I love the idea of soulmates, and I think I’ve had a few…with hopes to have many more; some platonic, some sexual, some metaphysical or imaginary. Maybe all are imaginary. Maybe we’re imaginary. Maybe I’m drunk. Yea, I’m drunk.
        The idea of soulmates makes me happy, but I don’t spend time searching for one, the same way I don’t spend time looking for a bifurcated tricolored rose, but I’ll be happy the day I find one. that doesn’t make sense.


      2. Bifurcated tricolored 🌹? It’s good to have dreams. Lol. I’ll take some concentrates tonight in your honor. πŸ˜‰

        We are all imaginary. Most definitely. And no use looking for soul mates. They appear when you generalist expect them. I’m glad that you’ve broadened your horizons to include non-sexually and imaginary ones. It’s a lovely sentiment.

        Liked by 1 person

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