I have drama within myself already
Maybe that’s why I prefer calmness around me
I know heaviness
Which is why I reach for lightness
I battle monsters
Which is why I look to angels for guidance
Which is why I call to God so much
My phone was telling me to break up with Brad.
I really don’t like being one of those people that always talks about their relationship drama and yet….. I feel like I’m slippery-sloping my way there.
Last night we almost broke up again. He says he can’t be himself with me. I say sometimes he does get on my nerves and I don’t like who I am when I roll my eyes and wish he’d just stop talking and when I have to figure out how to get him to be less Three Stooges in tactful, loving ways. Let’s say that’s not a huge strong suit of mine. I still do try….but 🙄
As we were using this app to text because my phone doesn’t want to text to android anymore; the “break up” part of the text kept flashing at me. It felt relevant; but I’m not letting technology dictate my life I’m letting my heart dictate it……
He says the ship has sailed for him to ever feel comfortable enough to be himself with me. He says I cause him anxiety. I can understand why. I sometimes have made men so nervous they can barely speak and other times so comfortable and accepted they cry. I have no control over how someone reacts to me. I truly don’t. I never mean harm. I thought he was trainable. He says he knows my heart. One of us seems wrong. Lol
I have no idea what we’re doing now. Truthfully. I just hate the arguing. It’s getting ridiculous and yet I don’t know how to turn it around. He said “imagine us married and driving down the rode together and you are mad because I say something like “why did this guy have to cut me off” and you’d be so irritated you’d be sitting there staring out the window angered”.
It sounded not only believable but like complete misery. That is most definitely not what I want. Why does he imagine this? Why can’t he imagine nice things? This is why I say most of what comes out of his mouth is negative and he seems too obtuse to see it: negative, silly or sexual. Guess I should be less irritated about the silly stuff.
What I want is a man that believes in our relationship to the ends of the earth and wants to see it succeed. Proves his worthiness of my love in a million little ways not because he has to, not because he is scared to lose me, but because he loves me and wants my happiness above all else and it’s born in his heart to show up every day for me.
I know my love is worth it. I guess like my ex husband says….. who I can admit is sometimes right (lol)…. “someone will come along and figure it out”. Right? Yep. Absolutely. Uhu. Yep yep.
I can be alone. Alone is much better than in bad company or company that makes you miserable. At least I think so. Doesn’t seem to be the consensus though from what I’ve seen.
I think I am ever understanding; ever patient, ever willing to work at something….
I’m so confused. I think I need to take some time and figure this out in my heart and head. What do I really want? Me! What is it I need to happen here?
Led Zeppelin – Thank You, Going to California, The Rain Song
It’s a sullen Zeppelin morning.
I really need to start exercising and I’m giving up sugar for December too. I’m considering it my Christmas lent.
Yoga here I come!!