I realized today something monumental about myself. I commit wholeheartedly to very little in life and to almost no one. I suppose it has to do with my deep acknowledgement that all things are impermanent.
I most obviously commit to my children. But I was thinking back to past relationships and in all sincerity I can’t remember ever being fully invested at all levels…. you know what I’m talking about?
That “ride or die” thing people talk about. I’ve never had that. It vacillates for me. I’m so used to men and relationships being a revolving door that it never occurred to me before that I could be part of the issue. Lol. Duh!
It never occurred to me that I very easily reach a point where I’m like…… okay…. “next”. Whether I was emotionally committed or mentally committed I could easily reach a point where I found the situation unhealthy enough to leave; not that I didn’t try communicating. It’s not that I didn’t try to salvage it. It’s just that at some point I’m like “whatever”; even as my heart broke walking away. I guess that sense of self preservation is a good thing.
But what I’m saying is I’d like to just once experience an unconditional, not looking back, this is it, no matter what happens I am ALL IN thing. Is that healthily possible? This requires more thought.
Fucking robocalls. Read an interesting excerpt that half the phone calls we will receive in the next few years will be automated garbage. Ugghhhh. I’m not at the half way point but I get them almost daily. Got one this morning. Soooo. I’m not a vengeful person but sometimes it makes me feel better to visualize what eternal damning vengeance can be had. Morbid. Mean spirited. Sure. Yea. But it helps me release my feelings of not having control over a situation.
Today I pictured all the people that use, control and create robocalls. I pictured them in hell being tortured mercilessly and suffering intensely and then the phone rings and they have been told that one day that call will save them from this eternal damnation but every call is a robocall. Every call is automated with no one to help them and yet they must answer… because it is their only hope. Is it bad this makes me laugh? It’s not like I can make this an actuality. It’s not like I would if I could….. but it’s like BDSM. It’s just fun for me. It adds levity to a situation I want to reach through the phone and choke someone over….and I can’t. Sooooo this will do. Lol