I’ve been accused of being an emotional masochist. I don’t disagree. I tend to say things that I consider mere factual statements that others tend to view as unnecessarily hurtful. The last case in point is that I told Brad “I don’t clearly see a future for us”. I can agree the “a” in that sentence maybe should have been a “the”…..but it doesn’t negate this as being the truth and I wanted to share it.
That I was stoned late at night and texting him was the irritating factor for him but that is generally my M.O. He doesn’t appreciate it. He says he takes it the wrong way and tries to respond and we end up arguing more. I also don’t disagree to this. But I still want a resolution. I still want my worries addressed. He said “I want to talk about these things in person”….. but I want issues handled as they come up and sometimes they don’t come up until I’m alone, pensive and usually stoned. So I told him pick up the phone and call me then or come over.
He can’t just not engage me. I bring these things up to connect to him. I bring these things up to for him to help calm my fears and for me to find my way to his heart and if he leaves me out in the cold to fend for myself it’s just going to make me feel more isolated than I may be feeling. Which is exactly what I am trying to not have happen. I’m reaching out for him in need of his comfort and reassurance. How can he not get that?
Writing is my deepest dialogue but it is definitely not his. It’s fine. I don’t need it to be. Had he just let me clarify I would have told him that being with him, that his love is exactly what I want and need in my life right now. That his love gives me so much strength and makes me so blissfully and deeply happy. Doesn’t he know that already though? It’s not like I haven’t told him.
Yes…. there are “issues”. Absolutely. Our politics are at complete odds. His health. My trust issues. On and on. But at the end of the day I still want to be wrapped in his arms….irregardless of all of that. All of that pales in comparison to what we share…. to how we feel about each other. At least that’s how I see it.
But we have these hiccups to navigate. We still have adjustments to make for each other. Being in a meaningful relationship is millions of micro-actions of love towards each other’s happiness…. ones we each may never even see or know about. It doesn’t mean changing…. not exactly. It’s like each of us is in charge of a handle for the water temperature mixer and we adjust accordingly to what we each need and what the relationship needs…. to achieve a common goal. It’s a symbiosis. Where one may be able to pick up the slack now and then; realistically both need to be working together to achieve the common goal: happiness, connection and depth.
Love is there. Love is easy. Love comes of its own accord. It’s the rest that can be hard.
I just don’t know. I honestly can’t say what the future holds. I don’t see it clearly for us……but we are also only 4 months into this. Should it be this complicated? IDK. Two grown adults each with our own separate difficulties in life……I’m guessing probably so. And in general I feel as hard as things sometimes still are in my life that I’m headed in the right direction…… and what else is there? I just need for his hand to be there when I reach out for it.
Been listening to Dave Mathews all morning. I forgot how much I really liked them.