I’m frustrated and it’s my own damn fault. Me and my eternal quest to be not only true to myself but completely transparent. Well it’s come to bite me in the ass. My ex reads my blog. My boyfriend reads my blog. My neighbors read my blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my clients do as well. It’s easy to connect the dots and It’s not like I’ve even tried hiding it. I laid out the map, highlighted the path and lit the destination with giant spotlights.
I have no one to complain to about it really. My mom says “stop writing your blog and just talk to me”. The most judgmental person in my life; logical I’ll give you that but as non sympathetic as a mother ever could be. I’ll pass. Maybe I should start fresh. But even when I thought I did that and started a Medium blog account I got tracked to it and I had thought I did that anonymously.
This isn’t reality TV status I’m talking about here…. luckily. This hasn’t adversely affected my real life (fortunately), but has it adding value to it? The whole point of this was to unleash my deepest thoughts, my greatest fears, my most vulnerable moments, the ups and downs. My own online diary and now I feel I need to be mindful of the eyes that could hurt me. The people that could take it all the wrong way. Twist it all around and possibly use it against me.
I don’t know why I’m feeling a bit defeated right now. I….. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s bordering on extreme sadness. Things in my life are going in the right direction finally……. so why am I feeling so isolated and melancholic?
Maybe because I don’t see an end to the tunnel of the one thing I want the most…. the difficulty that has caused me the most pain over the last few years. That could be why maybe. I don’t know.
Brad held me in his arms this morning and told me that he would never hurt me. That I have had such a hard life and it’s time for it to be easy and he was going to do all he could to make that happen. That I need to believe he would never hurt me. I want so much to believe it and I think I do. But then I’m also dealing with another man who tells me he loves me yet hurts the things I love the most in life.
All I can do is keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest in much more capable hands. My heart needs solace tonight. God please give me that.