Frustrated

I’m frustrated and it’s my own damn fault. Me and my eternal quest to be not only true to myself but completely transparent. Well it’s come to bite me in the ass. My ex reads my blog. My boyfriend reads my blog. My neighbors read my blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my clients do as well. It’s easy to connect the dots and It’s not like I’ve even tried hiding it. I laid out the map, highlighted the path and lit the destination with giant spotlights.

I have no one to complain to about it really. My mom says “stop writing your blog and just talk to me”. The most judgmental person in my life; logical I’ll give you that but as non sympathetic as a mother ever could be. I’ll pass. Maybe I should start fresh. But even when I thought I did that and started a Medium blog account I got tracked to it and I had thought I did that anonymously.

This isn’t reality TV status I’m talking about here…. luckily. This hasn’t adversely affected my real life (fortunately), but has it adding value to it? The whole point of this was to unleash my deepest thoughts, my greatest fears, my most vulnerable moments, the ups and downs. My own online diary and now I feel I need to be mindful of the eyes that could hurt me. The people that could take it all the wrong way. Twist it all around and possibly use it against me.

I don’t know why I’m feeling a bit defeated right now. I….. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s bordering on extreme sadness. Things in my life are going in the right direction finally……. so why am I feeling so isolated and melancholic?

Maybe because I don’t see an end to the tunnel of the one thing I want the most…. the difficulty that has caused me the most pain over the last few years. That could be why maybe. I don’t know.

Brad held me in his arms this morning and told me that he would never hurt me. That I have had such a hard life and it’s time for it to be easy and he was going to do all he could to make that happen. That I need to believe he would never hurt me. I want so much to believe it and I think I do. But then I’m also dealing with another man who tells me he loves me yet hurts the things I love the most in life.

All I can do is keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest in much more capable hands. My heart needs solace tonight. God please give me that.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

9 thoughts on “Frustrated”

  1. For me writing in my blog is a huge relief. Its the only place i feel i can just shed my skins and be naked and free. I enoy reading your blog and i hope you continue doing it 🙂 I would like to talk more about it but i guess u must have already have enough people to life you up when you feel down (If you feel like talking im here. If you like talking to ppl who really understand you im ok with that too 🙂
    Anyway your works are good and hope you continue doing it without being ashamed or being under doubt

    Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! I appreciate you saying this and your offer. Honestly I don’t have the best support system. I’m a huge introvert and a tiny bit agoraphobic. I have almost no friends and I get anxiety just answering my phone. Most of these things no one even knows about me because I hide it so well. It’s odd because I genuinely like people. I enjoy being social when I force myself to do it…. but I need so much downtown (alone time) to recover even from a simple trip to Costco. Lol.

      I luckily have a great psychologist and a lot of really good self help (self care) protocols that keep me going and positive. But I do do appreciate the offer. Truly!! ❤️💋

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Its fine.I totally understand.Im having trouble of my own and for me talking and expressing myself are the best methods.Thats why i recommended it.Its fine if u hav a system of ur own thats keeping you happy. I used to be shy talking to random ppl too but along the way i learned that talking to random ppl helps me understand the diverse ppl in this world.Anyway take care 🙂 Keep writing with head held high 😘😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely agree. You’re absolutely right. So much in life we gain insight from people with no vested interest. People that can cut right to the heart and help us see things in ways we never imagined. I’ve had the utmost kindness when I’ve been at my very lowest by complete strangers. Kindness that soothed my soul more than I can ever repay or express. Thank you again. If I had the need I surely would take you up on it and I understand we all have that need in our lives…. just now I have so many people tugging at me that I feel the need to retreat more than anything. I’m sure you can relate. Lol. Take care. Happy Holidays and truly thank you. God Bless and I don’t mean that tritely. 💋❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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