I was too stoned last night when Brad was perusing my blog to know exactly how he meant it when he called me cockslut. He wasn’t reading the entire articles just glancing through picking up stuff and looking at photos (which I don’t have a lot of). He starting calling out men’s names like it was a list adding on names that I mentioned that I haven’t even slept with. He told me he loved his “little cockslut”.
Ok. Yes. I love cock. I’m not feeling as an adult I have to justify it or explain myself….. I am not ashamed nor conversely am I proud of it. It’s just who I am. We all have our things.*
I know Brad never means harm. Maybe he thought I needed reassurance. Maybe he found it funny. Maybe he was trying to assure me he loves me getting laid whenever I want. Don’t get it. Don’t care though honestly either. Mostly I don’t really care about anyone’s opinion of me as far as it relates to my self esteem.
It doesn’t depend on outside factors. I only have one true kryptonite in that regards and I’m not about to divulge it. Lol. And even then ultimately I’ll be ok because of several factors. I’ve discussed them all before but mainly I feel that there are only two true judges in life. God and I. And so……I’m good. I’m truly doing the best I can and I hope to not know about the other for a good 60 years more. At least! I’m hoping.
After letting my ex (maybe….possibly…..not purposely) kill my self esteem I learned after a lot of soul searching that my self esteem is mine alone to manage. It’s no one else’s job. That title is mine. Self Esteem Superintendent here for duty. That’s an adult evaluation of reality. Guess I have grown up more than I’ve realized.
Brad told me last night that I am completely in charge. When I told him I deferred to his desire a lot he said that effectively “it’s the blind leading the blind then”. I find that perfectly suitable. Who else better to lead them. Why is that seen as a bad thing? The most I’ve learned in life: the best advice has been from those in the trenches themselves. I get what he meant though.
He follows my lead. He tries to do whatever he thinks will make me happy. He follows me. So if I’m not leading….If I am following what I think he wants then essentially we’re two idiots fumbling around with no direction.
I still don’t see a problem with it but I suppose knowing what I want and how I want this to go isn’t a bad thing either and ultimately will lead to both our happiness equally as well it seems. Lol. I kind of thought I was doing that. Hmmmmm. Don’t know. Too many brain cell needed for this equation right now. Must revisit at a later time.
I’m think really it just comes down to me being a go with the flow kind of gal who redirects as needed, when needed. I don’t have to or want to orchestrate everything. I like to see where life takes me. Of its own accord it’s taken me to some really miraculous places with some really remarkable people. Things I could have never even imagined. So really. Lol. I kind of like it that way. Putzing down the road of life, drifting off chasing a few butterflies, following a shooting star or two,looking up for rainbows and trying not to miss any beautiful skies.
Hey……I’m just happy to be here.
I do miss my cock though.
Roberto Carlos – Un Millón de amigos
*It’s when you assign value to things it becomes “something” and the way I see it there are two ways to navigate in life:
Healthy OR unhealthy choices; one of them leads you to things that are completely bad for you from the very start and the other is everything else. Pretty simple!
Ok. Nothing is truly that simple but people tend to make it harder than it needs to be.
I don’t get why. Boredom. Attention. Victimhood. Trauma. Complacency. Habit. Something to focus their anxiety on that they wouldn’t have to begin with if they just focused on positive things. IDK. Truly. Who am to judge? I try to just get to the nut of it. Get to the real bottom of it. Shed some light on it and figure the shit out. Proactive/resolute and not reactive.**
**People sometimes don’t want to look in the shadows. But it is what it is. No need to give it power and control over you. Who’s the daddy? Who’s the bitch?
Guess if you’re anything like me you like to take turns. Meahahahahahahaha. Weird mood today. Think I took too much pot last night, not enough sleep. Nap time. Masturbate time. Rest time. 3 more clients today. Life goes on.
I need a sign on my forehead right now that says “stoned and delirious”. 😂 Doesn’t everything come with a warning now-a-days? OMG I crack myself up.