All actions have consequences. I can admit…. I am naive. I am a twit sometimes. I speak from the heart only to be at times misunderstood or judged harshly. I only always mean well. I only strive to be true to myself.
My aunts words were ringing in my ears today. She’s a very devout catholic woman, never misses Sunday church; all her children went to Catholic schools, got married, baptized and confirmed in them. She attends midnight mass every Christmas Eve and all the days of note in between. She has always been kind if not indifferent to me. The one time I asked for her help she came. I was remembering her telling me that “you have to do in life what others see as the right thing to do; you can’t go doing whatever you want, even if it is right…. if others don’t see it that way”.
I completely and adamantly disagreed with what she said and knew even at that young tween age that I could not live my life that way; lived by what other think and say. Worried about judgement. Worried about fitting in or being shunned. Worried about it all. I knew having been shuffled from school to school and house to house and family to family that there were too many conflicting voices out there anyway and that the only one that truly mattered was my own.
It took me 10 more years to really comprehend the importance of that and another 20 more for me to completely embrace and live it.
Tonight a friend texted me asking if I was divulging myself too much on here. Maybe. I actually had a very hard time with today’s earlier post because I tried very hard to be as true to my innermost feelings as I could be. I tried my hardest to be vulnerable and open, raw and real. Maybe it is too much. But really…… I mean the name of the blog is Porngirl for goodness sakes. Lol
His point was do I need the attention? Do I need for the whole world to see? Well. No. I don’t need it. What we truly need and what we desperately want in life are sometimes very vastly different; aren’t they?
My life sometimes feels very sheltered and lonely. I recognize that is sometimes by my own doing and choice. I am not lamenting this. I am simply stating that it feels good to put my real self out into the world. It feels very healing and cathartic.
Would it feel the same in a journal as he suggested? Maybe. Probably. I used to journal as a teen and intermittently thereafter and lost almost all of those diaries… which I deeply lament. Truthfully I really don’t have a justification for why I blog. I didn’t think I needed one and frankly I still don’t.
How I see it is…… that I refuse to take the role of the victim. I refuse to carry that weight and burden. I refuse to live a life based in fear. Come what may…… and yes I do pray….. but irregardless….. all this will end and be meaningless one day. All of it!! So I’d rather do what my heart dictates than regret not taking that chance. I want to walk the walk. It can’t be done as a timid little sheep; but you know… even if my roar can only be heard between my two little ears. It is there.
It is there!! Come what may. He asked. Do I worry about my children? And of course I do; what parent doesn’t? If they suffer consequences for my actions (which inevitably all children do) I can only hope that they too can learn to be true to themselves; regardless of the cost and if not this…. that at the very least they can learn to forgive me one day. If this comes to pain them well…. I must then live with that. I’ve sacrificed so much for these kids and I’d do it all again in an instant… undoubtedly. No one will ever truly know the heavy loads I have carried and do carry for them.
But ultimately I’m not seeking or needing anyone’s understanding or forgiveness beside my own here. Because this is me doing my absolute damn best and if no one sees that then so be it. So fucking be it.
*funny that this is the same woman my family has accused of going and stealing all the money and property out from her own parents. I didn’t pay these rumors any mind nor do I know if they are true, nor do I care but I also don’t put it past her. Lol