I realized today that I carry a heavy and deep sadness inside of me. Kind of like a cupcake with filling that’s covered in frosting and rainbow sprinkles. It looks all bright and cheery and yummy but inside is a dark sadness, not just for things past and present that are of a difficult and horrible nature but for the injustices and pain of others; and of the world. Maybe that’s why I am so drawn to damaged and hurt people; because it closely mimics my own sorrow.
It’s not that I try to hide it why I generally have a bubbly persona and positive attitude. It’s that I try to counteract it. I try to find the positive amidst the darkness. I purposely focus on the little candle flicker to not lose sight of hope and love and kindness. But it doesn’t take much to get me to tears. It doesn’t take much to have me reeling on the floor in pain if I let myself go there. So I don’t. I just don’t. Most of the time. I get my pity party in when I start to hit the wall and the rest of the time I just “get shit done”.
Today I was feeling it. Maybe because Brad called me full of anxiety and anger and very emotionally disheveled. No matter what I said or how I tried to help he would not have any of it. Turns out he is on legal amphetamines and because he had not been able to get his meds refilled he had gone cold turkey for a few days without them. So he was suffering mentally and emotionally at a level I simply could not reach. He is a bit atypical for a man in that he (like me) carries his emotions on his sleeve and is very vocal about them. It is his childlike nature and the innocence of his heart that he never seemed to create the rough emotional exoskeleton most males and a lot of females carry to endure this life.
It took me a bit off balance. Between the sex, emotional intimacy and just plain fun I haven’t been having…. I was really struggling tonight. I even succumbed to an old bad habit. I just didn’t know what else to do with myself. I can’t exercise yet. I have no friends close-by that I could just pop in on. I needed to get out of the house and away from my adorable yet taxing little monsters and I had limited time and a short leash. I’m too embarrassed to even say what it was I did. I’ll leave it for the book I intend to write one day.
It didn’t really help but it also didn’t aggravate the situation. Guess that’s not really any sort of win. Gotta just laugh at my own idiocy sometimes.
I remember asking a few psychics how to control my emotions so that when I feel other people’s emotions I don’t get carried away by them. I haven’t figured it out quite yet and it’s even harder with someone I care about. Can two broken people make one whole relationship?
Brad was on my fetlife account today looking at who has friended me…. trolling for a transvestite to play with us. I wasn’t in the mood for the conversation truthfully. I just don’t feel we are on a solid enough foundation as a couple to start playing with others yet. This lifestyle can bring two people who are confident of their love and trust each other infinitely closer but I’ve also seen it tear couples apart. I have no statistics. Couples sometimes break up regardless; whether into BDSM and swinging or not. But I am determined to not have that be the reason for any relationship issues.
I even told him to go and find someone to play with alone. To go and explore that option on his own to see if he enjoys it, since I am not ready. I hope he at least honestly considers it. I feel that there is sexual desire and then there is monogamy; completely separate. I have absolutely no issue being with a man who has been in relationships with other men/trans/etc. None!! My only stipulation is that you should know what it is you want and that should be me.
i.e. If you are in a relationship with me it is because you want ME for me. Period. And all the extra stuff I bring is just that…. it’s bonus material.
I keep praying for ease in my life and I’m not sure now if that ease I am asking for comes from inside or outside of me. I honestly think I mean both.
I remember reading that a life of too much ease if not boring, but one truly enjoyed would go faster than the speed of light. That we need pain and agony to slow down time and help us truly savor the good parts. (Time in the emotionally subjective way.) But I feel like I am aware of pain enough. I feel like I have seen and lived enough of it….. that if the rest of my life went at warp speed with ease and joy I would be perfectly okay with it. Perfectly so.