I don’t like drama. It’s bad on my psyche. Way, way, way long gone are the days I enjoyed having wild dramatic episodes in my love life. It just exhausts me now truthfully. I simply can’t muster the emotional energy for it anymore.
Today has been quite the test for that. I woke up at 11. Crawled out of bed at noon and desperately tried to get my ex to take our kid to drivers ed. Not only because they charge per missed class but because it was late already and both the instructor and the other teenager were going to be inconvenienced and once I make a commitment I do everything in my power to get it done; delegating still counts in my book.
I got in a quick coffee enema and literally made it with not a minute to spare. The instructor was getting in his car to leave as we pulled in. It just made me feel worse… but thankful I got her there and he was willing to get the class time in.
Meanwhile back at the ranch my ex painted Brad into a corner. “Why did he just drop me off last night? Why hadn’t he stayed with me if I was sick? Why did I even go out? If he’s talking marriage why isn’t he stepping up? Where is he now that I need him?” On and on he went and would not budge on taking the rest of the afternoon off work. He can’t afford it he said and stuck to his guns. I know he’s right… assuming he really does not have any more paid time off which I can only hope he wouldn’t lie about but who knows.
Meanwhile Brad gets angry as well because why does Jason get to dictate when and how he can participate and set expectations up for him…. when he was the one keeping him from coming over last night to the party to begin with. Am I just utterly and incomprehensibly naive? Why can’t I sort this out?
This is when I want to cry. This is when I miss having family that cares and good friends that would possibly help in these situations. I have nothing…. none of those. I have two men in my life. One by choice and one I’m tethered to for life like it or not and yet neither came through. Brad potentially would have had I had more foresight maybe but it’s all I could do to keep myself out of the ER last night with my self care pain protocol. He wouldn’t stay last night after he dropped me off and I didn’t force the issue. He cited many valid issues; not that any mattered to me then. But….. what was I to do?
I’m tryin not to feel sorry for myself. I did this all to myself really. I married my ex and had 3 kids. I drank habitually since 15. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m a bit mad at these men but even then…. it doesn’t solve anything to be so. But still here I am in a parking lot crying. It’s such a beautiful fall day too.
You know what life….. you’re not taking me down. I will find joy. I will find happiness. The colorful leaves sway gently as some brown ones make their slow decent. The crow squawks have subsided and the lull of the cars driving back and forth behind me, sounding like distant waves, remind me….. I have to pee.