Heart of Gold – Neil Young

I remember I put that on my Fetlife profile once. Searching for a heart of gold. I did meet some really great people on my dating journey. I connected deeply with a few special guys and now here I find myself in the girlfriend stage. It’s obviously a precursor to marriage; if we get there.

I don’t have as much anxiety as I was experiencing earlier. In fact, right now we are in a really good spot. We’ve hit a really nice little groove. I hate to say it. I hate to jinx it. To find someone who not only loves me deeply, understands me, accepts and adores me as I am, that takes me with all my baggage and lifts me up in so many ways, with kindness, with emotional, physical, financial support, with so much love, consideration and fulfillment of my extreme tactile needs.

I feel so lucky and somehow I am trying not to be scared. I am trying to keep myself open and vulnerable to it. It’s easy sometimes and it takes breaking down some walls others. It takes making a lot of steps in the dark and hoping that not only is my footing stable but there aren’t legos or minefields underfoot, until I feel the light again.* Hoping this is the “little steps” ( – Merrie Armsterberg) towards what I’ve wanted my entire life.

No pressure! Lol

But lately some days I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

In so many ways God has blessed me tremendously as of late and I am so greatly humbled and full of deep gratitude and overwhelmed…..

Happy tears are the best. Aren’t they?


*As far as my ability to trust (myself even) and my severe ptsd with men and relationships in general.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “Heart of Gold – Neil Young”

    1. Thank you.

      I’m hoping this time that I’ve finally found it……. but I know deep in my heart that I’m headed in the right direction. That this road I am is taking me where I’ve always wanted to be. I’m trying not to hold on so tight but to let it come of it’s own accord…. to be present to the glory of it all. Lol. Sounds trite to say it this way. I’m just not sure how else or what else to say though. Some things seem to lose their value when talked about. Maybe that’s why in person people will rarely is ever hear me talk about my relationship with God. I don’t want to devalue something that means so much to me. Something I don’t need to justify or explain because it’s so clear to me that to talk about it doesn’t do it any justice. But maybe his only makes sense to me. Lol. I never know.


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