Not usually a word I tend to associate with Monday’s. Lol
My day started out early. Had my first (client) appointment before the kids even left for school. Then visited three naturopaths offices and dropped off the order for the Costco cake.
I also had tea with Kurt. He confuses me profoundly. I was, undoubtedly, in love with him. I still have feelings for him. I just don’t know what those feelings are exactly. If they were romantic then I would have felt intense jealousy when he told me about his live-in submissive. Yet I was not. It only moderately perturbed me that they began dating when I thought he and I were still trying to figure things out. Which if I’m honest with myself wasn’t probably the case.
I wish it had excited me more when he put forth that he still was looking for a Domme and yet when he informed me that short of buying her a car he was prepared to do as she dictated it still did little for me. However, when we hugged and kissed it felt very nice, it felt natural. Running my hands in his hair brought back warm memories. But the thought of spending time in his company jeep turned me off. Even when he put the offer forth twice it churned my stomach a bit. Don’t ask me why. Things were left open though.
Do I want to Domme Kurt? I think I was purposely trying to subdue my emotions. If I let that door swing open again I just don’t know. Brad said I should do it for the money and experience. I don’t think he gets that I don’t really need more experience; from what I’ve seen of other Domme’s I’m towards the top of the game. But as far as Kurt I feel right now is not the time…..but I won’t rule it out. For money though? Hmmmmm. I don’t know. It’s all just very complicated with him and I like things more cut and dry.
Brad and I went to dinner tonight and afterwards I indulged his ball nailing request. I was only able to get 2 in. He wants me to do more next time. It was a lot of fun!!! I had never seen him in so much pain. He cried. Not so much from the pain alone, but from the combination of pain and euphoria and his emotions overwhelming him. He was crying telling me how much he loved me and how he would do anything in the world for me, that I was his entire life. They’re words I’ve longed to hear said so heartfelt. Who knew all it took was a hammer and some alcohol soaked nails.
I feel pretty good. I’m usually pretty spent by this time of night; but right now I feel happy and calm. Euphoric. God I love BDSM!!!