I’ve been neglecting sweet Ivy. I’m determined to see her tomorrow no matter how tired I am. This will require driving an hour out to pick her up and bring her back to my place, but she’ll spend the night and then I’ll drive her back the next day. It will be fun. I want to give her more daily attention; more texts, more checking in. But I have finite time and energy and “so many people orbiting around me”*.
Today was a bit hard. Two of three of my clients were sick and one gravely so. He was very sweet but his condition and treatment was extremely difficult. It’s a bit draining to work with very sick people. I wonder how actual healers do it. Recuperate themselves when they put so much energy into each client.
I’ve been told by two people that my touch is healing. I can neither confirm nor deny that statement. In both cases I was not purposely trying to change their energy or heal them. I was just being me and giving them my complete attention and touch.
The first instance was when my grandmother was dying from cancer. She was in hospice at her house. She was at a grave state where she could no longer perform almost any motor functions. I would sit in her room and stroke her arm and talk to her softly. One afternoon she startled me. She bolted upright, grabbed my hand and in perfect English said “you heal me”. This was a complete anomaly as she had, for months back, reverted to her native (first) language of Spanish; if she even spoke a word at all.
I did what I always do when these things have occurred. I hightailed it out of there and tried to forget all about it. Lol.
The second time: I was doing my hands on training for Colon Hydrotherapy. I was giving this woman foot reflexology but her energy was too high for me. She had extreme anxiety and I was having a hard time focusing. I excused myself from the room and she stopped me and said “You’re touch is healing me, don’t leave!” I could not have run out of the room faster than I did. Why? I can’t even tell you; fear I suppose. But fear of what I can’t even say.**
This is also why I no longer read palms. As a teenager I was obsessed with white magic and palmistry. I avidly devoured books on palmistry and read anyone’s palm who would let me. By my mid twenties I had all but forgotten most of it but would occasionally still use palm reading as an ice breaker.
One night at a gay boy party with a friend I decided to read palms. I was proceeding to get rather plastered, being in what I considered a safe environment, and was happily dancing along and reading palms.
Boys were coming up to me pretty consistently to get their hands read. I was having a absolute blast until one approached me and as soon as I touched his hands I cried. Tears poured down my face to where I couldn’t even see his palm. I apologized; told him I was too drunk and walked away.
A short while later after dancing, drinking and reading more palms he approached me again and asked me to please try. But again as soon as I reached for his palm a torrid stream of tears escaped my eyes. I didn’t know what to say. By this point we both realized it was personal and not the alcohol, yet it was not something I could control or explain.
He then told me that he worked at a hospice center and saw death frequently and that he sometimes had a very hard time with it. We hugged and I purposely didn’t read palms again for over 20 years, in fact; I can barely remember that last time I did so.
I’ve had some extraordinary experiences in life. In retrospect I wish I would have taken more chances, not been so scared, explored more of my innate talents. I suppose it’s never too late. Interestingly, I offer energetic healing in my practice as a package. No one has taken me up on it yet though.
I do know that sometimes I have results from my clients that seem more beneficial than they should have been…. but again…. this is not always or even usually and it has also not been purposeful on my part.
I do often pray that God work through me. I offer myself to God almost daily as a vessel for love and light. I ask that I be open to commune with God through all my interactions with the world and with everyone I encounter. Is that always the outcome? No.
Back to Ivy……
I wonder how people have polyamory love life’s. I can barely handle Brad and Ivy and she puts zero demands on me. I love having her in my life; but is it fair to her when I can’t give her the attention she deserves and needs and the attention I wish I could give her? I’m feeling it’s not and I don’t know how to mitigate that.
I had to take a second shower today. Can’t even remember the last time I did that. Funny how the pendulum swings. Water is so healing though; and a good, deep nights sleep will cap this day off well.
Brad sent me all these sexual photos and links tonight and I was just soooo not in the mood.
I am extremely sexual. My Tinder add used to say that I wanted someone highly sexual. I even had a man question why I would say that as he said to me “all men are highly sexual”.
I’m like yea…no. But be careful what you ask for. Brad outpaces me drastically. This is the man that wakes me up in the middle of the night to have sex when I stay with him. Which I don’t actually mind.
I told him I’d never turn him down for sex but I have a feeling that I may be taking back those words.
*its a line a guy gave me that I went on a date with. He said “I can tell you have a lot of people orbiting around you”. I couldn’t quite tell if it was a compliment but I thought it was funny.
**anecdotally: my ex used to dedicate Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” to me. He would tell me that making love to me was very healing. Lol. I found it silly but…….🤷🏽♀️
I need to go back and read all my blogs. I really feel like I’ve said some of this all before.