Ass gulping & living lies (long, boring soliloquy that I end with a prayer)

I’m sitting here having my morning coffee. If you’ve never had a coffee enema I can not tell you how enjoyable they are. I tried drinking coffee the other day but since I refuse to add sugar or dairy and I haven’t tasted coffee in years I realized I no longer like the flavor of it.

Astonishing to me considering I used to be such a huge coffee snob. Before Starbucks was a thing I had latte’s on speed dial. I don’t discount that coffee like wine and art or anything else people seem to think they can be experts at is subjective. I never claimed to be a connoisseur as much as a rabid enthusiast who you would not want to be around without my morning libation. Now….if I don’t get my morning coffee I’m fine. I have a tiny bit less energy is all.

Mostly I do it for my liver. I genuinely believe that were it not for these morning escapes I may not be here. Because try as I might I can’t seem to completely forgo drinking alcohol and since the liver is said not to recuperate from alcohol damage. Well…… effectively; all I’m doing by drinking is exacerbating a situation that is already quite dire.

I went to emergency last summer because I literally passed out from over exhaustion and alcohol consumption. If you’ve never passed out let me tell you it was one of the most frightening and vulnerable experiences one can have. My best friend of 26 years was visiting from Virginia. During her short stay we went out drinking and dancing; closing the local dive bar down. We hiked to the very top of Multonomah Falls. We kayaked to the very bottom of Willamette Falls where the rush of water creates strong whirlpools. We stayed up late talking for hours on end. It was so much fun!!

On the morning I was to drive her to the airport I got out of bed an immediately realized something was wrong. I was weak and dizzy. My eyesight was off; as if I was looking through an eyeglass at the world. I walked over to her and asked her to call an Uber. I told her I had to lay down. As I walked back to my room she followed me with concern; peppering me with questions when the room went black and my legs gave out.

It all happened as if in slow motion. I had no control over my body as my torso and head hit the ground. I came to quickly but my breathing was very shallow. She called emergency and I begrudgingly let them take me to the ER. They gave me a monkey pack and IV drip and told me to stay off alcohol. Mind you that I hadn’t had a drink in over 36 hours by that point. But they drew the same correlation I knew to be true.

So why don’t I quit drinking? It’s like asking a diabetic why they don’t quit all sugar? It’s difficult. It’s social. It’s yummy!! And of course mostly because I’m an idiot. It’s hard to surround yourself with people that don’t drink. It isn’t the norm and I’m not at a point in my non-sobriety where I can be around alcohol and not indulge. Maybe mostly yes but not always. So I avoid bars. I avoid some parties. I avoid a few people who I can’t seem to help but drink around. I don’t go dancing or to clubs as much as I’d love to.

I even considered going to AA but that seems excessive and in this world where people judge you by your alignments I’m just not sure that’s where I want to be. I think I’d rather join a knitting club or hiking club or something that generally dictates no alcohol consumption. Like I have time for that though? Ugghhh.

Don’t quite know.

This weekend one of my favorite cover bands is playing at the local casino. I absolutely have to go see them and I will be dancing. Bet you can guess what else I’ll be doing. Yep. I could lie and say no. I’m going to try not to drink….but why bother?

——-

I can see why people lie. I heard a study on the radio where they polled a bunch of recent college grads asking them what the most valuable lesson they learned in school was and by a landslide the answer was that “lying is extremely beneficial”. Who knows if it’s an accurate study but considering our political, corporate and judicial climate I tend to think they may have gotten the right lesson after all; unfortunately.

I have instant Karma. I’ve written about this before. I am almost completely incapable of lying. I stammer, my eyes blink uncontrollably, my breathing increases, it’s like I go into a full panic attack even trying to lie. It’s useless really. But I know this isn’t the case with most people and that lying gets reinforced from a very young age. Because well…. who wants to get in trouble or suffer any bad consequences for their actions? NO ONE!!!

I totally get it. Which is why my kids know that lying will get them in far more trouble than whatever the original “sin” was to begin with. Doesn’t always stop them but….. it’s out there. Hopefully one day they’ll appreciate it. I know I run against the tide on this one. I think most people are constantly lying; especially to themselves. I see it all the time. What do you do? Well… you let people think they are fooling you; because what else is there to do.

I don’t let my friends and family get away with it. Sometimes they hate me for it. I don’t care. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. If I care enough to tell you to “cut the shit out” you should consider it an honor. It shows I give a fuck. That people sometimes don’t see it that way….. well so be it.

I wish. Deeply wish people would stop lying. I think 99% of the worlds problems could be solved if people were just honest. To me lying is the worst sin there is. All others stem from this. Fear, anger/hatred, gluttony, coveting, enviousness, all of it; is a form of lying to oneself. There is something missing within that makes people do these things and the answers to why are behind a wall of lies. I can guarantee you this.

But no one cares what a silly single mom from nowhere with nothing has to say. I get it. This holier than though act is old. Truthfully I am no better than the least of my human clan. I can accept that that which they do I may very well be capable of; especially given their same situation.

I don’t think I have ever claimed to be “better” than anyone else. I just seem to be more aware and that awareness causes me deep pain, deep angst, deep turmoil sometimes. How do I wrestle with this? Trepidatiously. Lol. I guess it also makes me hyper-aware of the joy of little things. The joy of nothing at all. The joy of just being whoever it is God intended me to be; in all my inept glory.

—-

May you know the joy of accepting and loving yourself for who you are. It’s the best starting point for everything else. πŸ˜‰β€οΈπŸ’‹πŸŒˆπŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ™πŸ½

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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