Brad is building a “sex chalet” on the second story of his shop. He just put a king bed up and he will put suspension cables on the ceiling. I’m thinking of putting my spanking bench, sex swing and St. Andrews Cross up there too. Originally I was going to put that in my garage but if you could see my garage right now. Ugghhh.
I haven’t been up there yet. I need a certain level of comfort and femininity and I’ve seen the bottom of the shop. It does not scream sex chalet, but I’m excited to make it into a perfect little sexual oasis.
It was something he mentioned in passing one day and I wholeheartedly agreed it was a great idea and now he’s making it happen. I do love his gumption. Truthfully we both do tend to be loud and get carried away and he has his daughter in the house only a few feet away from his bedroom.
I just wonder about our lives and belongings become more enmeshed. Truthfully I have very serious commitment issues. I can begrudgingly acknowledge that. Even the men I had previously (supposedly) wanted to marry I broke up with many times. Mostly because I didn’t realistically see what I thought I needed to see in them and in our relationship to cross that serious line.
Brad is a very sensitive and emotional man. I really feel I have to do things intentionally with him. I have to be very careful with his heart. Not just because he has eluded very clearly that he “can not live without me”, because as much as I do believe he means what he says I will not be pigeonholed into anything I don’t on some level truly want to do; but because I sense that he would do anything I ask of him. Absolutely anything; and that is a huge responsibility and one I don’t want to ever take lightly.
I am glad I am who I am and I wonder seeing how he loves…. how he even survived this long with his heart intact and thinking of all the abusive women he has interacted with I can see how things ended up how they have for him. But this does not excuse him from having to do the work of a real relationship. This much he isn’t that familiar with. He is used to giving freely and to giving in to women and he is capable of standing firm when pushed against a wall, but he is not all that familiar with compromising. With communicating and reaching an amicable meeting point when things get difficult. He tends to retreat and paw like a scared animal.
He is so witty and fun and he can read people quite well not to mention his brilliant mechanical aptitude, but he is emotionally a bit immature. It’s fine. Everyone has their strong suit. It’s just that emotional maturity isn’t always my best talent. By necessity it has had to be something I have worked hard to achieve; as part of the stability I strive for with my children but left to my own accord I’m more akin to a selfish adolescent. At least my ego would have it that way. Reality can not indulge that side too often though unfortunately. 😒
Emotion maturity has been credited for determining ones career and life success much more than ones intellectual capacity.
Am I over analyzing this? I don’t know.
It’s a weird double edged sword. I hate being alone and I deeply crave sex, touch and intimacy. I find a man who indulges me and who makes me feel loved, adored and pampered and I can’t seem to get out of my own way enough to fully embrace it.
All things reveal themselves in time. One foot in front of the other. One moment leading to the next. Why worry about it? I’ve got a sex chalet to help coordinate.