Slaves and STD’s

Earlier this year I was in communication with a lovely man offering himself to be my full-time slave in the old guard way. In other words he would relinquish all control over his own dominion and I could subjugate him to any torture, punishment, whim, etc. He cooks (having been to culinary school thanks to his last owners) and he can also contribute some modest financial assistance.

I liked him a lot. He seemed to really understand my psyche and needs. My concerns where that at this point I was so new to the power exchange dynamic I didn’t quite know how I would incorporate 24/7 Master/slave life into my very boring, suburban life with my children. That and at the time I was in a precarious financial position myself. I didn’t feel it fair to take on another household member under my wings that was going to be dependent on me for stability.

But….. small world. It turns out he ended up in the Portland area after all and I saw him on Facebook in a photo with a local young, beautiful fellow Domme I absolutely adore. Our paths seem likely to cross now, so I may have the chance to meet him IRL. Which is something we never got to do.

——-

So the thing about “playing with friends” is that we live in a world with STD’s. Karmic balance for sex maybe. I hate to think how much more debauchery would exist without them. Kind of like if women could only get pregnant when they wanted to, what would that be like? As far as sexual behavior; interesting thing to think about. More dangerous? Less dangerous? Who knows?

Reality dictates we be careful who we sleep with and get tested if we have multiple, swinging or pick-up partners. I myself got tested 3 times over the last year. Not because I’m a sexual fiend. Truthfully I don’t think I’ve played all that much but I went from hardly any sex at all with one long term partner to this new lifestyle. It’s been one hell of a big leap and I’m much more conscious of it now than I was in my 20’s when all I cared about was condoms to not get pregnant.

Now….. I have this juxtaposition of lives. Single mom, business owner, health practitioner, spiritual seeker, girlfriend and…..

Sexual deviant.

In so much as what I do and how I think don’t seem to be quite the “norm”. Not that I strive for normalcy at all in any realm of my life; with the exception of stability for my children. What truly is normal? There is a bell curve for human behavior and it is all “normal” for humans. Isn’t it? I mean has anyone truly done anything that another human at some point hasn’t already done or thought of? Whether it is historically thought of as acceptable for the time period, place, and societal structure is a totally different thing. Losing track. Ok. Point it.

How to reconcile this lifestyle I seem to be getting entrenched into with my desire to stay of sound body and mind? Food for thought; and something that needs to be seriously considered.

—–

I’m trying to orchestrate a girl/boy/boy threesome. I finally get to see two men fuck IRL. I can’t tell you how big of a smile that gives me.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

24 thoughts on “Slaves and STD’s”

  1. “I mean has anyone truly done anything that another human at some point hasn’t already done or thought of?”
    This idea exhausts me. I neurotically spend hours trying to figure out a new way to express myself, but I always come to the same conclusion: it’s futile.
    On my recent shroom trip, I convinced myself that our universe, all universes, will implode once every thought has been exhausted. A single being, maybe an alien, will manifest our universe’s final thought, causing the synapse which received the final signal to collapse in on in on itself, creating a mini blackhole that devours our universe in an instant—then bang, a new universe is created from the being’s consciousness who destroyed the previous.
    Geez, I need stop doing drugs.

    Anyways, I enjoyed your post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are part of a group of people I call “too smart for your own good”.

      The group of people who drive themselves crazy with existentialist thoughts. Maybe don’t take it all so serious.

      Honestly. I love that thought. It’s intriguing. Will we ever know? I for one prefer not to care. Just easier that way. Lol.

      It’s my lazy way of being happy. In the end. What will truly matter? I want to sleep good at night. I want to feel good while I’m awake. I have figured out what that takes for me personally…so far. That’s good enough for me.

      I like to see all the possibilities and then I shrug my shoulders and say to myself. “I’m not going to get consumed by it…. any of it. I’m just gonna live my life.” Right?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I definitely need to find a way to get out my own head. I don’t think I’m too smart, I think I’m just smart enough to drive myself crazy haha, but I appreciate the appraisal.

        It’s weird reading this today because my new therapist told me something similar a few hours ago, and you’re both right.

        I know I possess the ability to not care, but my chemical imbalance prevents me from committing to indifference for extended periods of time. I go crazy, then go boring, then hate myself for everything I did/do.

        Living in the bay area has put me in constant contact with various free spirit/bohemian/exhibitionist scenes, and I loved tasting the bay’s bushel of forbidden fruits, but for some reason, as of lately, I’ve become almost puritanical sexually, and I’m not 100% why–though I know it’s partly due to my self-loathing finally reaching an unsustainable level, and it’s impossible to give myself sexually if I can’t stand myself–but your posts make me want to reacquaint myself with the scene. Suppressing my desires out of shame definitely is definitely playing a role in my current malaise; maybe meeting some pretty people to play with will help.
        Sorry if this didn’t make sense, I had to increase one of my meds and my brain feels like mush.
        Anyway, I love your post(s) :).

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You poor thing. My heart aches for you. I know what it’s like to not be able to get out of your own head. To not find relief because the torture comes from within.

        I’m not a scientist. I don’t claim to know anything all that valid. I am NOT trying to tell you are wrong. Personally I don’t like that whole chemical imbalance thing. It makes it sound like you’re broken and irreparable except through meds.

        I don’t know your history. Your trauma. Your demons. But…… facing them is the only way I know to beat them…. or even have a fighting chance. You definitely can’t outrun them.

        I’m going to give you the same advice I just doled out a few days ago to another writer. I think we all could use reminding…….

        Be ruthlessly selfish and figure out what it is going to take to make you happy and then go after it like your life depends on it.

        Because it really might. ❤️💋

        And thanks. I’m glad you like reading them. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      3. As always, thank you for your kind words, and my apologies for the late response–I don’t really go on here during the workweek.
        My therapist tells me I’m too self aware, which I hate; the same way I hate when people tell me I’m too smart or too ‘insert positive label’.
        I know it’s due to an intrinsic desire to be free, which isn’t special–that’s what we all want in some shape or form–and as Oscar Wilde said: From a label, there’s no escape.
        Whether positive or negative, there’s no escape. If I’m too smart, people expect me to be smart. If I’m too creative, I’m expected to be creative.
        While writing this, the following thought came to my mind: I’m a slave to my incorrigible desire to be free.
        Great, another paradox for my already overloaded psyche. Great, some more meta fuckery.
        My desire for pure freedom will end up killing me, because the only way to be free is to die. I hate saying things like this, because most people interpret it as a cry for help.
        I’ve spoken with Tara a little about suicide, and our desire to just not be. It is sad, but it’s also beautiful, to me. I feel warm and fuzzy inside when I dream about dying.
        And I understand your sentiments towards the idea of chemical imbalance(I don’t really like the label/diagnosis either), but my suicidal thoughts, and the happiness I derive from them, are proof of a chemical imbalance.
        Sorry for rambling in your comment section.

        Like

      4. Happiness from the misery and pain and suicidal thoughts? Hmmm. Well. I do know lots of people who enjoy being miserable, a few to the point of being suicidal but somehow I always assumed it was distressing to get to that point. So this is interesting; dare I say a unique perspective. 😉

        Labels are wretched.

        Would you rather not be all those positive things?

        Seems you’ve maybe developed a self sustaining unhappiness loop. Can you see any other way to live?

        Like

      5. I think I worded my comment wrong. Or maybe I didn’t. I’m having a hard time making sense of things.
        I don’t enjoy being miserable, but I accept it as an aspect of my personality. This me will go away, and the fun, carefree me will come back. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow.
        Despite the way I feel, whether happy, sad or limitless, I always find comfort in knowing that I’ll eventually die. I’m perpetually overwhelmed by emotions I can’t seem to tame without being heavily medicated.
        My intense hatred for myself is the problem–it’s always been the problem. I don’t know why I can’t stand myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am. And I fear the unknown, and get angry at it…then hate it, then hate myself. I don’t know
        I’m just a mess all around.
        I’m going to stop posting depressing shit now. This isn’t me. Sorry for this weird comment thread.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. No. Never apologize to me. Please. There is no need. Honestly.

        I like that you can be so introspective. You are far too hard on yourself. Sure it’s great to be even keeled and know yourself. But that’s boring and doesn’t allow that we are always changing and growing.

        And comfort in knowing you will die is far better than fear. I am not looking forward to it necessarily but I also am not fearful of it. Which opens up life to come full force at me and me to it. That’s a very freeing and beautiful sterling.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I nearly said I’m sorry for saying sorry haha.

        Shit, I’ve been trying to respond to this post for an hour, but each sentence I write contradicts the other, so I’m just going to write everything I’m feeling and send it raw.

        I despise myself. I know this is the biggie when it comes to my mental health. I can’t progress until I find something about myself I don’t hate. Currently, my eyes are the only thing I like about myself, everything else about me is wretched.
        I think I’ve run out of versions of myself to work with. There’s no system update to fix the bugs in my brain. I know I shouldn’t think this, but I do, and telling myself not to think this way only reinforces the initial feeling. Pills make me feel better temporarily, but they’re band aids on bullet holes. I need to find the source of my issues, but I’m terrified that the answer is congenital. Both sides of my family have psychological issues, and sometimes it seems I’ve inherited all of them.

        It’s all so boring. At least I used to be an interesting weirdo. Now I’m just blah.
        I need to find a balance between batshit loony and mawkish, rock bottom Mole-rat. That doesn’t make sense.
        I need to find a balance between throwing rocks at the moon, and howling from my abyss. That doesn’t make sense either.

        Thank you for talking to me and allowing me to spew in your comment section. You’re a saint. Peace, love and ecstasy. Cheers. All that good stuff. No sorries, but thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. “balance between throwing rocks at the moon, and howling from my abyss”

        You don’t see the beauty? You’re too engulfed in the pain maybe.

        We all have our unique set-points in life. We each swing our own pendulums in the radius that we’ve been given. Trying to change that is extremely difficult though not impossible.

        I find it easier to just accept it. Accept yourself for exactly who you are and once you’ve accomplished that all else comes much easier.

        If eyes are the window to your soul then maybe liking your eyes is a symbol of a depth of self love you haven’t explored yet. There is nothing as terrifying and liberating as facing your one demons. Nothing will ever come close to the sheer terror that brings, but what we all seek is on the other side of that terror. What do you have to lose?

        Like

      9. I do like throwing rocks at the moon, and it is kind of pretty. I can imagine a pretty pebble skipping across the five layers of the earth’s atmosphere right into the moon, causing it to shatter and fall back to earth.
        Thank you for all your comments and support and words of encouragement. I know I should love myself for a few reasons, I just need to find ways to not hate myself.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Hate is a very powerful, visceral and mostly unconscious emotion. That’s going to be a tough battle. I say this as my pulse beats rapidly, my mouth dry, my eyes dart, my body barely containing itself as I experience a spat of deep rage.

        Anyway. I get it. That takes self control and reprogramming. It took me years to figure this out for myself. Years of reading self help books of failed suicide attempts. I still struggle to find purpose to the madness sometimes. But how many days do you have if life left? How do you want to spend those days? How do you want to spend this moment. Sometimes honestly it just comes down to choosing to be happy irregardless. It’s about turning those voices off inside and outside that try to tell you that you aren’t enough just as you are. Fuck them all.

        Be the true avant-garde you are….and defy the demons of the world.

        Choose happiness. Moment by moment. If you look there is always…. always a silver lining somewhere. When you give yourself permission you to focus on that; you give yourself permission to be happy.

        Like

      11. I really like: If eyes are the window to your soul then maybe liking your eyes is a symbol.

        I like to write about, and occasionally draw, my eyes. They’re the color of a dying season–a pretty mix of olive green and brown.
        I have plush eyelashes to shade my autumn eyes.
        My demons terrify me because I don’t understand them. I like the quote: I’m must looking for a person with demons that play perfectly with mine. I’m not sure who said that but it’s pretty.
        I’m rambling.
        Thank you. You’re special. Divine. Majestic. Pretty. You have a good soul to look up to. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      12. You are not looking up to my soul. You are looking equally at a part that your would identifies and knows as part of itself as well.

        Lol. “Someone who’s demons play perfectly with mine”. Somehow that scares me a bit. I’d like to think of it as someone who quenches the deepest desires of my soul and whose thirst I can satiate just as much.

        Thank you though. Today of all days this is a sentiment I desperately needed to hear.

        💋❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      13. I got choked up reading this.
        Creating this blog has helped me immensely. Talking with you. Talking with Tara. Talking with myriad of other kind souls struggling like I am, breaking me out of my solipsistic sadness, reminding me that no one’s immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

        I hope the day treats you kindly
        and the night worships you.

        Liked by 1 person

      14. “Cheers and all that good stuff” = happiness, health, peace of mind, joy in the simple things and quality time with those we love.
        💋❤️
        ———
        I sometimes envy people in a position to throw it all away. People with a disposition that tells them “yep…. go for it, burn it to the ground”. I’ve got too much to lose and to much to prove (to myself mostly). And dammit….. I never did know when to quit. Never did.

        Guess it’s a good thing that “the end” is decided too. Lol. But I’ll just keep believing my choices matter. It’s a fairly palatable fantasy. I think. 😝

        Batshit loony…… aren’t we all?

        Like

      1. Drugs, for the most part, help me greatly. They make great servants, but horrible masters, as Hitchens, I think, said. Luckily, drugs haven’t really oppressed me, minus the ones I have to take to have a semblance of normality; they can be a real bitch.
        I’m a shrooms guy, they make me feel normal, or at least, not ashamed of my weird ways.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Be proud of your weird ways. They make you YOU. You are a unique expression of life. A unique part of this microcosm. You add beauty and chaos to the show. Like a brilliant sparkle in the kaleidoscope. Learn to appreciate you and half the battle will be conquered.

        Liked by 1 person

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