I had a hard time again this morning with my meditations. Partly because I realized the tooth fairy forgot to do her job in the middle of the night and I had to figure out how to orchestrate the maneuver with the stirring child beside me. Once that was accomplished I realized the entire goal of my meditation is to bring that peace and comfort into my every day existence. To bring that serenity into every moment of my life and not just my brief morning solace. Ongoing mission.
Well so much for vanilla sex yesterday. We played lightheartedly though. I was having a hard time orgasming at first. I realize that I get anxious because he cycles in and out of being erect during sex and while I don’t need him to be hard to orgasm somehow it still messes with my head. So much of sex and orgasming is mental.
At one point he had me laying on my back, legs spread wide and he started spanking my clit with his hand and penis. He had a towel firmly placed over my face. Once he began fucking me I started orgasming quickly except that I need a continual rhythm and he kept stopping. Odd because he has my orgasming pattern down pretty well by this point and knows exactly what it takes to get me there.
I could sense it was because he was losing his erection though but I was already cresting and I was desperate for him to keep going. I breathlessly begged him not to stop. It wasn’t a huge release as much as a huge build-up with a small sputtering release. I was so intensely aroused I was hyperventilating and needed a few minutes to come to. It was an extremely intense little episode but it was also a huge tease for the phenomenal orgasm and release I felt coming. No complaints though.
I know that every man and every experience is different but I’ve never been with a man who routinely does not orgasm. So while I do enjoy that it makes my orgasm the center of attention it also makes me curious about his workings. Is it mental, physical or both? I know he’s on meds that make it difficult for him, and I’m trying not to see it as an affront to my desirability….. but do I just forget about his orgasms entirely or do I invest the time and energy to figure this out.
It’s not that I don’t want to put in the work, it’s that he isn’t giving me much information. I’m game to try pretty much anything but he is not vocal or demonstrative about this. It’s like giving someone puzzle pieces but no picture. I suppose we just see what sticks. But jeez…. with so many possibilities and no road map. Hmmphhh.
I’m used to men being completely open and transparent with me. I’m used to being with men that are a bit more in tune with their emotional and physical senses. It’s what I naturally gravitate towards.
So even when the psychologist earlier this week found it odd that men tell me their sexual desires even when they include things seen as potentially “illegal” and most definitely deviant it didn’t strike me as odd at all.
I am completely open and accepting. Anything I don’t disclose is because I don’t see it myself. So I can understand that he does not see these things about himself. It does however frustrate me quite a bit honestly. Maybe I can force it out of him somehow, but that doesn’t seem very nice of me. He does like torture….but I’ve never given him purposeful pain, just fun pain. There is a gentler way…it just takes much longer.
I can see how hard he tries to please me. I sense that the majority of what he does he does for me, for my pleasure, for my happiness. He seems to truly, deeply love me. Soooo….. I’m not trying to break him, or make him into my puppet…. but I do want to get to the gushy middle and see what makes him tick; sexually and not sexually. We have time I spose.
I’m a bit scared and apprehensive about tonight. How inclusive is a trans/cd event? Will I be mistaken for a trans? Which is fine with me but I would hate to disappoint. Lol. Do they want my type there? Granted I’m not even sure what my type is, but I am obviously not trans or CD. I am a fan. I am an admirer. I am a friend…. maybe….. hopefully and possible playmate. Never say never. Right?