Brad enjoys public nudity. So I wasn’t surprised when he pulled off the side of the rode today in North Carolina to take a picture of himself al fresco. I enjoyed the pictures. He told me he got caught by two middle age women. It was funny up until one of them asked for a photo and proceeded to give his penis a good grab.
For some reason that thought brought out the little furry green monster within me. I know logically that this was sooooo not a big deal but the thought of another women having the audacity to touch him in that fashion just enrages me. I suppose because it wasn’t with my expressed permission or knowledge. I recognize that life happens to him when I’m not around. I get it. But just grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. 😡😡😡
I had the whole home security system finally installed. Much more complex than I had wanted but it was kind of an all or nothing deal and it actually decreased my cable bill to have it installed so it seemed worth it. Brad had told me to wear something provocative and flirt with the install guy. I didn’t. I just wasn’t in the mood really and the guy was really nice and mellow. Honestly, I don’t think he would have needed much encouragement on my part as he was happy to tell me all about his single life and taking care of his daughter.
I got the sense that had he not been on a work call he would have been aggressive in his pursuit. He did go out of his way to make sure I knew I had his direct number. Truthfully I’m usually quite clueless when it comes to men flirting with me. So this might have escaped me entirely had it not been on my mind that Brad had encouraged me to “play” with the tech.
So I’m at this counseling appointment and I’m telling this women some of my recent dating history and I told her “I seem to attract pedophiles; and the attraction seems to be mutual” and she proceeds to ask me if “I’ve seen the secret?” To which she says that I am manifesting my own reality.
I liked her. We were having a good reparte. She is obviously much more knowledgeable in psychology than I being 30 years in the field but in that moment I just wanted to bitch slap her. This is what I HATE about the “enlightenment” movement and mind you I believe in that shit.
But the “blame the victim” for their issues mentality has got to be fucking killed. Yes. In some cases where people legitimately play “victims” or people are just clueless about the drama they create or can’t extrapolate themselves from their own negativity and toxic behavior patterns; then yes…. these people need a slap in the face…. at least a reality check.
But people like me, who are well aware of how they got to where they are, the steps both in and out of their control and are working their asses off to try to rectify the situation and change their own script. People fighting tooth and nail towards happiness, vitality, and peace of mind don’t need to be run through the “it’s your own damn fault” bullshit. Auuggghhhh
2 years of therapy and people telling me all the shit I have done wrong and I want everyone to know…..this is it people. This-here-now. This shit it MY BEST. Take it or leave it but don’t fucking judge me based on your own sentiments of how my life should look. You have NO CLUE how hard my life has been. No clue the shit I’ve been through. To this day!!! The horrendous nightmare I have to deal with. Even people who “understand” don’t understand. They really don’t.
Anyway…..I explained to her that I was simply making a statement based on past patterns. She told me I needed to leave that statement there… in the past. I thought I was. I am pretty sure I am. I lay awake at night almost every night staring at my ceiling and surround myself with the feeling and sense of ease, love, health, a life of joy and happiness. If this isn’t changing the script then I must have it all wrong.
Brad is back tonight. Coming over tomorrow. I’m actually desperately wanting plain old vanilla sex. Interestingly, we haven’t “made love” yet. Granted that’s something I’ve only managed with a couple men in my life to begin with, so it doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m not in a hurry. I’m definitely not trying to pressure it into happening. Like that would even be possible. But I do find it curious. We’ll see how vanilla tomorrow ends up being though. He has this fever pitch love of CBT that I overindulge him with I think but I’m sure he doesn’t see it that way. Lol