I’ve had almost a year of instability. As I’ve said before I really don’t care for myself. I’ve been homeless and gone days hungry before. It isn’t ideal but I can handle it, however I have 3 beautiful girls and 3 sweet pets; each kiddo has one of her own of course. Sheer madness sometimes; fun chaos with lots of estrogen spikes and diva moments. Wouldn’t trade it for the world….. but now that I can finally breath a little I’m confronted by the fact that the man whose company I am enjoying is not in the most financially stable situation himself.
How do I get myself into these positions? I’ve never been one to put too much emphasis on financial success. While I have dated men who are very rich it has nevar been a deciding factor, by any means. I’d rather date a man who is genuinely kind and selflessly generous with what little he does have.
He is so intelligent and resourceful. I don’t know that he is extremely business oriented as he is more of a troubleshooter and hands-on person. He compliments me in so many ways but do I have the time and energy to dedicate to getting “us” or even helping him to be financially independent. The thought is worrisome to me sometimes. It would have been nice for him to be stable. To think he was making 6 figures not even that long ago and splurged it generously on other women, family and toys. Definitely not the situation he finds himself in now.
Then also we both aren’t in our 20’s. We both have some physical ailments. I have been wanting to do the Gerson Therapy again at some point and I intrinsically feel it would be very beneficial to him as well… if he could do it. And going through it with someone else would be easier than doing it alone again I think.
The therapy protocol is not easy and not exactly cheap. Probably much cheaper than most other intensive alternative healing protocols that I’m seeing my clients do, but also completely life consuming and almost impossible to have a “regular” job while on it.
I’m at an age where I need to weigh the decisions I make carefully. They can affect not only my life but the lives of the ones I love the most. But I also have this philosophy of not worrying about things I don’t need to worry about. That’s an interesting juxtaposition that’s not exactly easy to balance.
Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmm.
Don’t know. Just don’t know. I’ve done some extreme things this last year grasping at a stable financial foundation. I really don’t want to feel that again or retrace those steps. I know Brad will take care of me the best he can and that together with both our skillsets we may even be able to create stability. I’m not sure what to do. These aren’t decisions I really want to be making right now. I just don’t know.
This uncertainty used to cause me extreme anxiety but now I understand that I will make a decision once that time comes and that while planning is always good… sometimes you just have to wait for the choice to be clear. This wavering just means that it isn’t an obvious decision yet and there is really nothing wrong with that.
If you think about it at any given time we all have different areas of our life in limbo. It’s not something that needs to feel like a crutch or be overwhelming. It’s just part of life and living.
Soooo… on to actual pressing matters. Garage sale purge time in full effect. Less is more. Boxes await me. Wish me luck!!