the girl men want to fuck*. I’ve never been the Martha Stewart or Ivanka Trump type. I’ve never been the girl men wanted to marry. I can accept it. It’s just not been my role. Not the primary role most men see me in at least. It’s fine. Play to your strengths; right? It makes me a bit sad that I’ve never been actually (full scale, grandiose, ring in hand) proposed to; even though I’ve been married.
I think I’ve come to a point in life where I feel I not only deserve it; but I also think at this stage I would prefer to be alone then settle for less than all of it. Which is an odd stance for me since I tend to have love (and even more so) sex almost constantly on my brain.
Brad came by twice this week while the kids where at school. He brought me sushi earlier today and gave me one of the best orgasms I can remember in well over a decade**. He asked me both days…. held me, looked me in the eyes and in complete seriousness asked me to marry him. No ring. I think he meant it…. maybe he didn’t. I kind of disregarded it both times and he didn’t press me.
I could sit here and try to analyze it over and over. “What’s wrong with me?” kind of thing. But it seems a waste of time and energy. I’m not sure what is going to happen really. We were suppose to go to his apartment in Longview later today. The one I call the sex chalet and then Saturday morning go to the casino. They invited me to some fancy celebrity chef brunch. We are both on a budget so I thought it would be fun. Plus I love any excuse to get dolled up sometimes.
He told me tonight that he really doesn’t want to go without providing any alternate plans. This would be the third time now he has done something similar. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to figure out if when he told me two weeks ago when I made the plans that he wanted to go…. that then at the last minute he would decide it was too much for him and I would have to scramble to make other (less exciting) plans.
Don’t get me wrong…. I like being with him. Even just hanging out with him doing nothing is fun…. but I need and want to do things…. to get out. He says “I’m not good at making plans”. Ugghhhh. Maybe I’m not good at relationships. Maybe I should stick to just sex. Maybe I’ll just try to go to sleep now. A text break-up at 3:45am on a Friday morning is not exactly the best recipe for deep sleep though.
I can’t imagine this is the end for us……but I also can’t clearly see where this is going either. It’s not as easy as I wanted it to be. So I guess we just wait and see.
*ok. Lol. No. Not always. I’m obviously generalizing here a bit. But when I’ve flipping a (clearly, flamboyantly, never been with any woman ever) gay man into bed; well….. a girl has got to think she’s got a point.
**not counting the ones I can give myself. 😉