I’m nothing like the woman that birthed me. She is bitter, methodical and holds complete disregard for other people emotions. She is always complaining and rarely truly appreciative of anything and she’s never had the best self esteem. I can see that clearly now as an adult. She has always made horrendous choices with men, most notably my father…. a man I actually love dearly mind you.
When she was my age she was divorced, beautiful, successful and driven. She owned her own house and supported me well with no help from my father. We lacked but it only ever became an issue a few times. Once when I ate “her” butter and got beaten. Once when she bought me the most hideous shoes I refused to wear. She put them on the piano and I stared at them every day until the day my shoes were making my feet bleed and I had no choice but to wear the uggggly shoes I inevitably actually grew to like and the time I wanted to be in cheerleading and she swiftly put an end to that dream.
I think she never valued herself enough to find a man that truly valued her. I know that she is bitterly unhappy. I know she carries a loneliness and sadness deep down that no one can get to. I see it clearly and wonder who else can.
I don’t want to end up like her. Ever.
I know I’m not. I like to look at the positive in everything. I try to lead with my heart. I don’t value money and comfort above almost anything and anyone as she does. I’m also not as smart as she is. I am not as brave as she is. I am not as driven as she is.
I just don’t want to be as lonely as she is. She enjoys it. I know she likes solitude and I truly do to, but I also like connection. It is at times a bit hard for me and overwhelming but I still love it and need it and want to connect to people. I want to have real relationships of depth and honesty. People matter to me. I know they matter to her. She just has a funny way of showing it. Maybe I do to and just haven’t caught on to myself yet. Lol.
OMG. I love pot.