I consider myself bold…. strong…. independent….. a big bad Domme for goodness sakes.
And now I wonder if I’m just a lame ass chicken-shit.
The dinner tonight with Brad went fine…. his back was hurting so he laid on the couch a bit. I took him down to my studio to see if he wanted to close his eyes and we played a tiny bit. Then we went back upstairs and he had dessert and left.
I had wanted us to all play board games together but he didn’t stay very long. He knew I wanted the girls in bed early to get acclimated for school starting. It bothered me a bit that he didn’t offer or think to bring anything. It also bothered me a tiny bit that he did not forget to bring an overnight bag and more importantly the new sex toys he had ordered online. (Just in case he stayed the night; which I had forgotten to tell him wasn’t happening.)
You know….. I went looking for a relationship on fetlife because I knew I wanted something outside the box and something very sexual. So why am I complaining?
I turned away dozens of men over the last months of dating. I had what I considered “perfectly good” reasons each time and now I’m wondering if I’ve just been putting up barriers on purpose to protect myself and shelter my life. Because maybe I’m not really ready to let anyone in. Maybe im not ready to trust. Maybe I am not ready to give up any part of my independence…… even for love? And I wonder….. will I ever be?
I’m trying to wrestle with my own demons here and I’m not sure who’s winning. It feels like maybe I’m looking for faults where there aren’t any. It feels like I’m trying to push away and yet I know that when I’m with him I feel comfortable and safe and nurturing. I feel taken care of and also like taking care of him.
Yet I feel like I’m waiting for something…. something instrumental. Something absolutely vital but I have no idea what that is and I don’t want to keep overanalyzing this. It’s getting redundant and crazy.
One fucking day at a time. One moment at a time if that gets to be too much. One breath at a time. Deep, long ones to make myself light headed. Lol. I really can’t keep living with this stress and distress. It should NOT be this fucking complicated. It really shouldn’t.
I’m going to keep going out with him and just try to take it all in stride. Nothing is guaranteed in life; not even life. What’s there to worry about when the next breath could be my last. May as well just enjoy what’s in front of me. Bon appetit.
On another note my back gate keeps getting left opened somewhere between the time we go to bed and when we wake up. Then the teenager thought she heard someone at the back door the other night too. I have security cameras now but they aren’t working as well as they should so I’m going to invest in something more comprehensive. Funny that we should live in the safest city in Oregon and need to invest in a high security system. Suppose that may be true for any single mom raising daughters.
I’d love to live on a beach where I could leave my doors open. Heck. Maybe not even have doors. That’s the world I imagine. But I suppose for BDSM locking doors aren’t a bad thing. Lol