I hate it because it makes things finite and it puts things in a little box with a tidy label and files it away to be discarded later and how I feel seems too complex and all over the place to even put properly into words.
I’m in an odd head space. I’m not on the edge of the cliff, but I can see it not far off and it’s beckoning me.
Deeply caring for people tends to leave me feeling out of control. I have mastered this with my children because I have some control over factors of their lives. When that minimal control ends I’m not sure what I will do. I may be one of those hounding moms that calls them daily to check in, even if it’s just to hear their voice.
What does that look like in a relationship? It’s not outrageously bad. I’m not psychotic. I don’t stalk men or behave terribly erratic. It’s all really just a dance that happens within me and it’s so overly chaotic and horribly frustrating.
It comes down to the fact that I need more contact. I need more interaction. I only see my paramour twice a week now and we only communicate via text the remainder and it is not enough. Maybe because we are in that phase where you just want more and more and the distance seems to be forever between touching, between kisses, between sex, between laughing over silly stuff and arguing over politics.
How do you tell someone you need more control? How do you tell someone you need more of their time and attention when you know they have other things in their life to attend to and don’t want to seem demanding and irrational? When you know you have a million things to attend to as well and the distance is not just needed but probably healthy….(I’m guessing.*)
I’m getting exactly what I want when we are together but the time in between I sometimes feel neglected…. which makes zero sense and I don’t want to feel this way. So needy!! Needy is not a feeling I enjoy.
I’m usually the callous one. I’m the nonchalant one. I’m the one that breaks things off without a glance back. So to be feeling clingy brings back strange childhood abandonment issues of sadness and suffering and it makes no sense!!!
These are not things he has purposely done. These are things going on within me and I hate it!!! I want to cry. I almost want to end things just to not feel this intense hurt…. which comes from nothing and nowhere; like a fantom that needs to be slain except I don’t know how.
And I want to hide this neediness. I want to hide this frustration and pretend it isn’t in me. When I’m with him I don’t have to pretend because the fantom is gone. It doesn’t exist until he is not present and I am left to wrestle with my neediness alone and ineptly and I should tell him…. but it is too much…. too soon….especially after all I have already said to him.
I secretly wonder if I may be trying to sabotage myself here so I don’t have to feel any real emotions and confront these demons anymore. So I can go back to casual affairs of no consequence that give me nothing of substance except a distraction from the doldrum of life.
I want to tell him. I am scared to tell him. I am scared not to tell him and keep him in the dark.
I’m so all over the place and yet when I am with him I feel such a deep calmness. I feel so deeply loved and I feel such deep unabashed, all-consuming adoration for him. Maybe I need to take a few steps back from this relationship and get my bearings. I’m a full force kind of gal and this in between teeter-totters me into a frenzy of unhinged anxiety. Feels like drowning. Like a bubbling over of too many emotions… too many fears.
But isn’t this how “normal” relationships transpire? Slowly. Calmly. Leisurely. When it’s convenient and can be coordinated for everyone’s benefit. It isn’t messy and all-consuming like what I am craving.
And I know there is still so much more to this….. and I can’t see it clearly yet but I feel it pungently like vomit at the apex of my throat and I want to escape it or give myself over to it and I’m not sure how this will go yet. It’s part of the deal when the equation involves two….it’s not just all up to me. Is it? And yet if I end it…. it will be. Won’t it? Or maybe I am trying to get him to end it? Why is this so confusing?
For fucks sake!
I need to mellow the fuck out and breath through this shit. I’m just going to go scream into my pillow for a bit and if tears come…… so be it.
Oh Jeez. Who has time for that? I fucking hate feeling vulnerable and afraid. Fucking hate it!!!
*I’m guessing because I have no real clue what a healthy relationship feels and looks like.