I hate writing

I hate it because it makes things finite and it puts things in a little box with a tidy label and files it away to be discarded later and how I feel seems too complex and all over the place to even put properly into words.

I’m in an odd head space. I’m not on the edge of the cliff, but I can see it not far off and it’s beckoning me.

Deeply caring for people tends to leave me feeling out of control. I have mastered this with my children because I have some control over factors of their lives. When that minimal control ends I’m not sure what I will do. I may be one of those hounding moms that calls them daily to check in, even if it’s just to hear their voice.

What does that look like in a relationship? It’s not outrageously bad. I’m not psychotic. I don’t stalk men or behave terribly erratic. It’s all really just a dance that happens within me and it’s so overly chaotic and horribly frustrating.

It comes down to the fact that I need more contact. I need more interaction. I only see my paramour twice a week now and we only communicate via text the remainder and it is not enough. Maybe because we are in that phase where you just want more and more and the distance seems to be forever between touching, between kisses, between sex, between laughing over silly stuff and arguing over politics.

How do you tell someone you need more control? How do you tell someone you need more of their time and attention when you know they have other things in their life to attend to and don’t want to seem demanding and irrational? When you know you have a million things to attend to as well and the distance is not just needed but probably healthy….(I’m guessing.*)

I’m getting exactly what I want when we are together but the time in between I sometimes feel neglected…. which makes zero sense and I don’t want to feel this way. So needy!! Needy is not a feeling I enjoy.

I’m usually the callous one. I’m the nonchalant one. I’m the one that breaks things off without a glance back. So to be feeling clingy brings back strange childhood abandonment issues of sadness and suffering and it makes no sense!!!

These are not things he has purposely done. These are things going on within me and I hate it!!! I want to cry. I almost want to end things just to not feel this intense hurt…. which comes from nothing and nowhere; like a fantom that needs to be slain except I don’t know how.

And I want to hide this neediness. I want to hide this frustration and pretend it isn’t in me. When I’m with him I don’t have to pretend because the fantom is gone. It doesn’t exist until he is not present and I am left to wrestle with my neediness alone and ineptly and I should tell him…. but it is too much…. too soon….especially after all I have already said to him.

I secretly wonder if I may be trying to sabotage myself here so I don’t have to feel any real emotions and confront these demons anymore. So I can go back to casual affairs of no consequence that give me nothing of substance except a distraction from the doldrum of life.

I want to tell him. I am scared to tell him. I am scared not to tell him and keep him in the dark.

I’m so all over the place and yet when I am with him I feel such a deep calmness. I feel so deeply loved and I feel such deep unabashed, all-consuming adoration for him. Maybe I need to take a few steps back from this relationship and get my bearings. I’m a full force kind of gal and this in between teeter-totters me into a frenzy of unhinged anxiety. Feels like drowning. Like a bubbling over of too many emotions… too many fears.

But isn’t this how “normal” relationships transpire? Slowly. Calmly. Leisurely. When it’s convenient and can be coordinated for everyone’s benefit. It isn’t messy and all-consuming like what I am craving.

Aaauugghhhhhhh

And I know there is still so much more to this….. and I can’t see it clearly yet but I feel it pungently like vomit at the apex of my throat and I want to escape it or give myself over to it and I’m not sure how this will go yet. It’s part of the deal when the equation involves two….it’s not just all up to me. Is it? And yet if I end it…. it will be. Won’t it? Or maybe I am trying to get him to end it? Why is this so confusing?

For fucks sake!

I need to mellow the fuck out and breath through this shit. I’m just going to go scream into my pillow for a bit and if tears come…… so be it.

Oh Jeez. Who has time for that? I fucking hate feeling vulnerable and afraid. Fucking hate it!!!

——-

*I’m guessing because I have no real clue what a healthy relationship feels and looks like.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

17 thoughts on “I hate writing”

    1. Thank you!!

      You are right. Writing about ones sexual escapades does leave a girl vulnerable to feeling judged and being thought of as slutty.

      I’ve come to terms with it, but I do censor myself far more than I’d like to write about. Escapades I’d love to talk about. Experiences that intrigue and tantalize me and I keep under wraps so as to not seem like too much of a deviant. Lol.

      Truthfully on the slutty Richter scale I think I would measure a mere 6 at best maybe headed towards a 7 or 8 when I think of all the things I still want to do……threesome comes to mind. 😉

      Thanks for reminding me that some people would enjoy hearing more sexscapades.

      Maybe I’ll start purging them. Kind of be a shame not to….. now that I think about it. Lol

      Like

  1. This is a pretty intense read and you did a great capturing all emotions raging through you. Ending it because you want more sounds like a really bad idea. Also, if you get all the access you want, it will only cause the intense passionate fire you feel to ultimately burn out faster. The moments of space keeps the flame burning brightly. How many time in life do we get to feel such hunger for another person? Don’t try to make it like it like a buffet. Savor the bites when you do get them and know being hungry for more is a good thing.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s an idea that has intrigue but has never seemed necessary to me personally.

        I’m currently very satiated. So much so I think he actually outpaces me; which no man has ever done before.

        I’m a never say never gal but at this point it’s completely unnecessary and I am very grateful for that and what lies ahead.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No. No. I’m sure you didn’t. I was all over the place with it. Let’s chop it up to a good laugh. I always appreciate the feedback and comments. Truly!!

        & you too!!
        ❤️🙏🏽🌈

        Like

  2. First of all, sending lots of hugs and support your way. Secondly, try not to give yourself a hard time, feeling needy is ok and totally natural, although I get how it is equally uncomfortable and can link back to things we’ve forgotten that stir up again. Try sitting in it and see if it eases? Hope you’re ok xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.

      I gave myself a goal when we saw each other last night of finding things about him I don’t like. So now I can focus on that to calm myself. Like throwing water on a fire….. it feels somewhat like sabotage and it felt like lying to myself a bit searching for these things….. because I knew and know they are trivial. But it worked. When he left it was not as hard as it had been before.

      I’m an idiot….. lol….. but I DO NOT like feeling out of control. So if I must do silly things to fool myself into accepting the space and time between us better so be it.

      It calms the waters of my anxiousness and lets me focus back on the reality that exists outside the bubble of intense intimacy we have started creating and I can breath a bit freely now. Which is what I was needing.

      Now I must rest. These intense sexual sojourns have a way of wiping me out for a few days afterwards.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think anyone does, feeling out of control is scary sometimes, could a little mantra reinforcing your confidence in your ability to cope help, even if it’s kidding yourself for a bit you’ll maybe start to believe it instead of trying to cool things mentally re:him? Reinforcing the positive instead of finding the negative? You’ll know what works best for you though. Have a good rest! X

        Liked by 1 person

      2. OMG That’s a great idea. You are absolutely right. Looking at the negative is not the best way to cope. No wonder it’s felt so awkward.

        Not to sound completely clueless but can you give a few suggestions you think would be suitable? Please.

        Liked by 1 person

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