I don’t like fear. I think I’ve stated multiple times that I feel it is a fairly useless emotion. Some people may need it to make rational decisions, but I don’t consider myself to be in that category.
However, sometimes I face things head-on that provoke such palpably strong reactions of fear in me that I have a hard time talking myself down. In these times I rely on meditation, RSO, EMDR, sex and a slew of other remedies (some of them not so wholesome) to push me through the other side.
Unequivocally, when I face this intense amount of fear it is because of an interpersonal situation and things I must say and confront that I would prefer to bury away and never look at again, but things I know deep down will haunt me gravely in so doing.
This one is a doozy. I must tell the man I am trying to build a relationship with about things that no person should have to say. Things that no person should have to live let alone discuss with others. I have a fair idea based on how he has been with me thus far that everything will be fine, but that really does little to diminish the fear.
The heart pounding truth that I must discuss and that I must also ask. A truth that I need to know and yet the knowing….. the knowing….. which feels like home and like running away; a truth I think I already know but that brings me little solace.
I’ve always said truth is everything. Knowledge even without action or purpose is absolutely necessary to me; to my existence at least. Knowing of horrors doesn’t stop them from being horrible. Knowing the truth doesn’t stop the pain that it brings. So I understand why so many people prefer lies, omissions, deflection and denial.
I simply can’t live in that world. It isn’t for me. I’d rather face the grueling and troublesome truth, even if I am completely unsure how to handle it then practice active disregard for it. Nope.
Vincit omnia veritas*
Or so it should be
*truth conquers all