Scared

I don’t like fear. I think I’ve stated multiple times that I feel it is a fairly useless emotion. Some people may need it to make rational decisions, but I don’t consider myself to be in that category.

However, sometimes I face things head-on that provoke such palpably strong reactions of fear in me that I have a hard time talking myself down. In these times I rely on meditation, RSO, EMDR, sex and a slew of other remedies (some of them not so wholesome) to push me through the other side.

Unequivocally, when I face this intense amount of fear it is because of an interpersonal situation and things I must say and confront that I would prefer to bury away and never look at again, but things I know deep down will haunt me gravely in so doing.

This one is a doozy. I must tell the man I am trying to build a relationship with about things that no person should have to say. Things that no person should have to live let alone discuss with others. I have a fair idea based on how he has been with me thus far that everything will be fine, but that really does little to diminish the fear.

The heart pounding truth that I must discuss and that I must also ask. A truth that I need to know and yet the knowing….. the knowing….. which feels like home and like running away; a truth I think I already know but that brings me little solace.

I’ve always said truth is everything. Knowledge even without action or purpose is absolutely necessary to me; to my existence at least. Knowing of horrors doesn’t stop them from being horrible. Knowing the truth doesn’t stop the pain that it brings. So I understand why so many people prefer lies, omissions, deflection and denial.

I simply can’t live in that world. It isn’t for me. I’d rather face the grueling and troublesome truth, even if I am completely unsure how to handle it then practice active disregard for it. Nope.

Vincit omnia veritas*

Or so it should be

——–

*truth conquers all

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

19 thoughts on “Scared”

    1. Thank you…

      Not just for your time and attention but for your feedback.

      I don’t take it for granted that there are a million things vying for attention in life and that you can and want to expend your precious time on my silly written monologues is an honor.

      ❤️💋

      Like

  1. Fear and I have been buddies for a while now, I’m learning to use it as motivation. It doesn’t always work.

    I understand all to well what you’re going through. For what it is worth, I found it was worth the risk and the emotional strain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. That’s actually very reassuring. I sometimes forget as hard as things get… I am not alone in my struggles. And of course I would never wish anyone suffering and pain. Fear can be so crippling and destructive, but using it as motivation is genius. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love my wife even more for sharing her truth…the truth of being raped by her older brother, victim shamed by her mother over it (and not protected), and then molested by her younger brother (again no protection). It was a tough story for her to tell me, hard to re-live it as she told it, but it explained nearly everything about her and her actions, reactions. She trusted me enough to share, knowing that the sharing would profoundly affect me in ways even I didn’t understand at the time.

    She rarely shares this information/story not for fear of what it’ll mean for her as she is accustom to people shying away from her afterwards; she’s afraid of the nightmares and scary thoughts it’ll create in the hearer. She’s hyper-vigilant and very protective of those she’s lets into her world.

    I reiterate what I said, “I love my wife even more for sharing her truth…”

    If you already suspect he’s ready, he probably is. I hope it goes well for you both.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tears!!

      Thank you. God I can’t imagine and to then be shamed even further. It’s amazing to me the things we humans do to each other. Selfish disregard and entitlement can lead to mighty big atrocities. That is a heavy load to carry.

      I myself have very few friends IRL because the intensity of my reality is too hard for people to cope with. I didn’t wish this on myself and I understand how she feels. This is hard for others to deal with. Their lives go on but they distance themselves. They would rather not see, not be reminded, not have to think about it. She is lucky to have your love and devotion.

      There is so much underlying fear…almost terror really…. to all this…but when I am with him I feel so safe…. so loved…. so cherished.

      I won’t divulge my fears vocally. Plus I feel he deserves to hear them first.

      Thank you for sharing Trip. Truly!

      Guess I have to remember it’s ok to cry. It’s healing sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I came here from Ms. Dixie Wreck’s recommendation. You have an interesting mind and a lovely blog. I’m very happy for you you have found a potential partner to whom you believe you will be able to tell your truths. For many people this is the most fearful thing they can face. Not all good people can hear difficult truths about a potential partner, and your concern is warranted. Fear, though, that can get in the way of making a good decision about this. I he brave? Is he open-hearted? Is he non-judgmental? If the answer to all these is yes, you may have found a true keeper.

    Liked by 1 person

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