I can’t even believe it. It’s so bizarre. I never saw this coming. I can’t even explain why. I’m sure there is a psychological factor to it I just can’t ascertain.
But to get down to it…… basically I got approved for a loan to pay my mortgage for 6 months. This alleviates so much financial strain over me I can’t even begin to explain it. I feel so much relief. I literally feel physically lighter. But…..
Now I feel absolutely no incentive to date. None. It has completely wiped away all desire. ALL. I kid you not. Not to say I don’t have the desire for sex. Let’s not get all crazy. Hmmmmm
It’s interesting because coming back from my trip I had already decided that, at least temporarily, I was going to stop dying my hair and stop getting shellac on my nails. Go back to more natural me. So the theme here is that NOW I want to focus exclusively on myself. I want to get my house organized, my garden full of something besides weeds, my businesses more automated and social media driven. I have a strong desire now to really focus on myself.
It’s just so weird to me. I was so hyper-focused on a husband… on happier-ever-after…. on a soul mate. And now….. frankly…. honestly….. I don’t care. It just isn’t something I am interested in pursuing anymore. Like a flip literally switched in my head the moment my finances became completely stabilized. I still want to play… but even then probably not that much truth be told. My hormones generally dictate my desires and rev me to the point I can’t ignore. So. I’ll just go with that.
I don’t feel bad. I just feel perplexed. I have never been a financially driven person so to see that on a subconscious level I was being so heavily pushed in that direction is appalling to me really. I consider myself a self-aware and radicalized female.
Now this isn’t to say if all the stars aligned and the perfect man manifested I’d be like “no thanks”. Let’s be serious. Umm no. I would jump on it. Literally. Lol. It’s just that I have zero motivation to put myself out there to find it anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I’m not going to question it….. but I am still completely astounded by this new turn of events.
It’s one thing to prioritize myself over finding a partner and it’s quite another to completely be “over it”, so to say. I am disappointed that my behavior is so based on instinctual self-preservation. Here I go thinking myself above my base animal tendencies and nope. I am no better. Oh well. I can find humor in it.
I do still plan on going to events. I have even offered to assist in organizing for a local Domme group. Which I am so excited to do.
Life does go on. Just with less frenzy now I suppose. Which outside of sex is a good thing. I think. Lol. 💋