Don’t ask me why, but my own personal degradation is a huge turn off
Won’t do it
Won’t be subjected to it
Which is odd since I clearly like subjecting men to it
But when I do it I don’t see it as humiliation/degradation
I see it as love, lust, passion, possession, play, and most importantly FUN
And I don’t do it with any bad intentions at all
This has been an interesting journey
Going from not understanding or knowing we all have sexual identities
To learning my own and how to navigate between them
So I am (about)
20% Vanilla (go with the flow)
15% Baby Girl/Brat
I am happy with these numbers, but now what? I recognize that when I find a long term partner we will push each other’s boundaries and that I may fluctuate also of my own accord. It just seems so complicated and frankly…..
I’m sick of complicated.
If maybe only for that reason Polyamory seems an easier step. Get my needs met from various people and don’t worry about anything besides condom use. Lol
Except…..what is the category above monogamy? Possession? Complete ownership?
I am sooo possessive and jealous. When it comes to someone I love I can’t fathom even the thought of being with someone else crossing their mind; at least not without my knowledge, opinion and consent (if ever 😉 and by my orchestration only).
So how does one navigate such a vast chasm? Taking it as it comes I suppose. One moment at a time. Next……
I guess what I’m finally understanding is that the connection is the most important part. The connection is what I crave. It’s what gives me breath. Space to be me, a depth of intimacy, understanding, acceptance and then…. an only then; play and sex.
That torrencial, unabashed, unconditional connection is hard to come by. Isn’t it?
The crux of it all is even worse….
sometimes…. most times…. when I start to feel a connection I pull away out of fear. It’s probably confusing to men. Am I pulling away because I don’t desire or am I pulling away because I desire too much? Lol. See what I mean? Complicated!!!!
Maybe the right thing… the right person…. won’t be complicated. Although if I’m part of the equation I tend to think that won’t be the case. Lol 🤪🤣
Then also…. probably just as my natural dominant tendency. I tend to push people, in my completely brutally honest way, to see if I can get what I need from them, or sometimes what they need from me. To see if they will rise. I can accept that sometimes I can be rather illogical and impossible and incongruent or disparate, but what men don’t seem to understand is that I need to see the desire and that they are genuinely trying. I need to see the intention is there and anything less just starts to feel like selfish bullshit to me. And yet…. I’m so very, truly easy-going. Lol
Life is a constant conundrum. Isn’t it?
“I won’t back down” – Johnny Cash
“Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin
Mad, mad world……