I’m feeling so much anxiety right now and the deep need to tear it all apart. I don’t have the energy but I have the need to go for a run or even just a long walk in solitude and nature. I’m feeling like burning everything down again. The lies, the truth, the hard, the easy…all of it.
This life….this existence….is all so brutally meaningless. I mean yes…our actions here denote our next stage but…..beyond where our heart lies….the rest….the facades, the masks, the games, the falsities, those things we deem important which truly are not. The pain, the glory, the thrill, the fear….are all inconsequential. All completely irrelevant. I can see it so very clearly sometimes.
Sometimes that clarity brings me a deep sense of peace and other times like now it makes me want to rip it all off like a bandaid and show the raw layers beneath.
Burn it all down!!*
I can’t say it as eloquently as Vikash does here when he says:
And there is no need to believe in the truth for it is there, real; what we must believe in is a lie, because once we believe in it to be real, it starts to exist. And in the mean time the lie becomes real, it becomes a part of everything in this whole universe, it squeezes itself between and amongst things and events of which it was never really a part of. It starts to be the truth, a masked truth. And then the next step is to put no effort to believe it, because it is real, now. This is how you create something that never existed before, but now it’s a part of the past and has now the power to affect everything. Like the peel of the banana, lie is the shadow of truth.
And you are the lie. You are the creator.
He says this as a writer but it can be clearly extrapolated to encompass the facades we all carry around. The lies we all tell each other and ourselves.
At my core I am none of these things and yet I have to capacity to be all. We pick up who we are as we go along, like a rolling stone. We start with what we were given biologically, by heredity, familial, environmental, circumstantially and then augment to that from input from others and from our own desires and judgments.
Expectations, greed of money, power, desire for love and any small sense of belonging make us into beggars ever willing to exchange our wares and then sometimes to go as far as to sell, give away or kill our very souls. This madness is maddening and sometimes I can be brought to my knees in tears at the beauty this world so deeply encompasses and others I am smashed to the floor in its dire, tiresome, putrid futility.
I can laugh about it. This too is absurd. There is no need for so much melodrama. The anxiety does funny things to me. Takes me to funny places sometimes. I didn’t say fun, I said funny. I stopped taking it all that serious though a long time ago. I’m fine. I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal.
I’m just a speck in the wind of life…..and I’ll still say….I’m just happy to be here…right?
I mean….. really why not?
I’ve got no where else to be right this second.
*and no not literally for anyone that doesn’t get hyperbole
I mean we have gotten to a point on this planet where we can clone reality by manipulating light and time to create a transreality** and yet we can’t cure hunger or lack of good free healthcare or even just good clean water; let alone figure out how to just plain get along with each other.
War, war, war. Everywhere I seem to look. People pitted against people. In every day life I am so blessed to not feel it too much, but one can’t help but sense the deep fear and/or hatred we all seem to want to carry towards one another. We all seem to gravitate and pick up on it far too easily it seems. In my life I can find the good to anyone, no matter how hard I have to try and I know lurking inside most people is really a whole heck of a lot of good to begin with.
**a transfer of reality. Yes I like to invent my own words. But I didn’t invent the actuality of this is my head. It’s called “cloaking”. So yes an actual cloak that hides people completely has been invented by government contractors. I remember reading a redacted part of a document on a reputable online news editorial and to me it seems plausible, especially considering what they already claimed to have done to a basketball in the movie “What the bleep do we know?” Right?