I went to the engagement party of a cousin by ex-marriage last night. I adore her and I am so truly happy for her. This was the first time I met her soon to be husband. Big black older man. Just what she needs to stand up to her natural dominance and stubbornness. She does not like kink, but possibly because she’s only played it in the capacity of trying to be a sub. We’ve never really discussed it.
Meanwhile I met this powerhouse of a woman; very spiritual and sweet. She would have fooled anyone into thinking she was meek, but as soon as we interacted I knew she was not one bit so. We fell into easy conversation and we never left each other’s side. I even waited with her for her boyfriend to pick her up. It took her 9 years and several break-ups but she finally has him trained well…(her words).
I had ordered a bottle of champagne and shared it with her. We swayed and sang to the karaoke singers but I was merely a watcher that night. The alcohol and occasion made me slightly melancholic. I left there and headed straight to my local bar. Immediately a cute younger man plopped himself beside me. He talked about how he works too much and his motorcycle provides him so much relief from his life stresses. He asked me what gave me relief and I immediately responded sex*. He made me repeat myself three time.
We got onto the topic of my red room and I explained how I use it. He told me how hard that must have been to get to where I am sexually (as it is so against the tide) and he insisted that were he to pleasure me I would want it reversed (with him in the lead). I told him that he could have that with a million women, but not with me. I was not trying to seduce him. Then he said he would like to try it my way. I told him that was a long line and I made my way to the other end of the bar.
At that end was the only man in town I have had a tryst with. Why wouldn’t he be there? That is after all where I met him. I had to push his octopus hands away dozens of times until I got tired of his trying to ply me and walked away. He was too drunk to scold and truly I do have a very tiny soft spot for his sweet and many attempts at getting me to be his.
I went and sat in a corner alone, near the empty pool table, away from everyone, where only the people coming out of the bathroom could see me and I watched the karaoke singers. I was not hiding. The area was well lit. I was simply somber and wanted to be left alone. I nursed the champagne I finally got the female bartender to give me with a heavy side of loathsome jealous looks. I only tipped her $1 and that was for the cute cup she gave me. I’ve seen her before. She’s a scornful little bitch to me.
Two men approached me separately. I was not rude but I was not friendly either. One of them stole my drink. I had had enough anyway. I was not about to chase him down, they had already made last call and I was craving McDonald’s fries again anyway. I bumped Imagine Dragons Next to Me song just to add to my misery on the way. Then I wanted to find out what song the guy at the last bar had done to karaoke. It ended up being The Doobie Brothers – South City Midnight Lady. I had never heard it before. I liked it.
I had intentions of taking my fries and my phone (for music) and going to the nature park near my house that overlooks the freeway and one of few parts of the city with life after dark to sit in my quiet sadness, but the weather was a bit too cold and rainy..and I was not bundled enough. Even the alcohol wasn’t enough of a shield. So I slowly made my way home and sat in my car in the driveway listening to music and eating my french fries. A few tears escaped my eyes.
My life definitely isn’t how I want it, but I refuse to be ungrateful for what I do have. Which is so much. So much to give thanks for. Just sometimes the sadness comes and I just let it. I let the tears soothe my aching heart.
I really need to stop drinking!! 😝
*He had already precluded exercise from the answer. Sooo. I had no choice but to say that really. Being the truth.
Grace Vanderwaal – I Don’t Know My Name
I forgot how much I like that song.