I went from having virtually no attention from men*, not even my own husband (now ex-husband), 3 years ago to currently feeling like I have a tribe of men in my life.
I have K – who is not present in reality, but who I still hold a place in my heart for. A – that pops in and out of my life since we met 22 years ago and yet I haven’t talked to or rather texted in a few weeks.
J. my ex, the only man I’m currently having (very infrequent) sex with and also trying to groom into being a Dom so he might stop trying to get me back and figure out once and for all we are not meant to be. We are not sexually compatible at all and that’s the least of the issues. Yet I am comfortable with him even if he does as he pleases with me. It doesn’t do much for me really, even though he does sometimes go out of his way to try to satisfy me. Grooming him as a Dom has been a two steps forward one step back endeavor, but I took it on with the specific goal of getting him off me (emotionally).** He is growing into a very sensual, confident and dominant man and I’m rather proud of him.
B – who is an unending resource of information on this journey and who I’ve developed a massive crush on, the sound of his voice sends chills down my neck and he knows I would love nothing more but to seduce and subdue him. But for many reason (the least of which is geographic) that will never come to pass but I tremendously enjoy his friendship, teasing and training.
T – who has been slowly fulfilling my deepest longings with his proposal to be my slave, even with the current tumultuous state of my life…that man has balls of steel…well actually he is asexual currently and that is my only issue with him at this point…although it may or may not become an issue in reality. I’m not seeing why we can’t work around it really. Although my biggest hope is to try and awaken him. We shall see. I am going to be visiting him in two weeks and I am excited beyond measure.
There is sweet J- a beautiful 24 year old sissy boy who wants an FLR. He is very stable and mature and lures me with his soft, romantic daily messages. And G – with whom I had one passionate night of sex and sadism a bit ago. He is married and I have been trying to put him into the friend only category but he has been whining and pouting and stamping his feet trying to get my attention and affection. He will get none for now. Not because he is married, as his wife not only approves but is pushing him to find satisfaction outside the marriage (she does not like to play the way he does) but simply because I’m busy and planning other things.
And then there is a handful more that I have been talking to on fetlife that I may or may not meet IRL. Most obviously not if all things go well with T.
This should be enough. What girl would not enjoy so much attention? Not to sound like a whiny, selfish brat but I really only want and need one man. One man that will give me his all, his every breath for me; fulfilling me sexually, emotionally and mentally. My fun partner in life to play with, to grow with, to depend on in good and bad, to adore maddeningly (in my own very specific and necessary fashion).
That is not too much to ask. Now is it?
God I’m so horny right now. It’s like I have a bottomless chasm of desire. Can it be quenched with just one man? I really question that myself right now and I don’t have a valid answer. I suppose I wait and see. Right now I have nothing concrete so who’s to say how, why, where that will go. I’ll just keep plugging away at life. Looking for my pot of gold and if it comes and doesn’t quite satisfy me…..we handle it then. No longer will I ever let myself live in misery. Longing for more than I have. All or nothing. All or nothing people!!! It may be a steep price to pay or maybe it will be all my dreams come true.
I really want to believe what B tells me to be true. That when a man satisfies me at a very deep emotional level I will be completely satiated. Since that has never really EVER happened I can’t say, but boy I hope he is right. Because frankly, honestly, I only have the emotional, physical and mental stamina for one man; no matter how enchanting others may be. I simply would prefer to put all my love, attention, lust and desire into one man. That’s not too much to ask!!
*ok. Maybe not NO attention. I did after all have my Peeping Tom then. Lol. Just that I didn’t have the best self esteem and I avoided even talking to men since I was so bitterly dissatisfied in my own relationship and didn’t need to be reminded of what else existed or of other possibilities.
**once I care for someone I never stop caring for them. It’s just part of who I am as a person. So me doing this for him is bizarre to most everyone but it makes sense to me. So who cares? When and if something concrete materializes in my life I will cast him aside, whether he is ready or not…like a fledgling bird. I know he’ll be fine.