The end goal has been and continues to be marriage. I enjoy being part of a family unit. It’s what I’ve deeply longed for since childhood; especially coming from a broken home and being bounced around so much. I wanted it so desperately I stayed in a failed and damaging marriage much longer than I should have.
I am obviously not in a place to really pursue that right now. I am not even in a place to do normal vanilla dating*; nor am I in a place where I just want sex….even though I enjoy it so much. So I’ve settled comfortably into trying to find a sub. Except that endeavor is actually much harder than it initially seemed, but at least it’s a fun one. It’s put me in contact with a lot of interesting people and opened my eyes to worlds I never even knew existed.
But the end game is still marriage and I don’t want to lose sight of that in all this fun and madness. Lol
Today at the munch two women were married to their subs. I was quite envious actually and I’m not an envious person, but that just seems the best of all worlds. The hard play, depth, vulnerability and passion of D/s yet the normalcy, comfort, companionship and stability of marriage. Ho hum.
A girl can dream.
*not that I would ever again.
I’ve said this before….but statistically the more sexual partners you have the less sexually satisfied you will be. Makes sense right? The more different and exotic flavors of candy you have the more one flavor for a long period may seem bland; no matter how great the flavor may be.
In this realm I’ve noticed people tend to have many play partners. I can have a Bull (sexual partner on the same power level), a Dom, and many different types of subs; service, play, pain, etc. I would like to maybe try this out for myself but part of me is afraid that if I do and I like it I won’t go back. I won’t be able to to go back. I DETEST living my life through the lens of fear. Absolutely fucking refuse to!!
Sooo….that said. There is a chance that going down this road may shatter all my notions of what I thought I wanted or maybe it can bring me the happiness I’ve sought for so very long. Right? Who’s to say without trying it out. Who’s to say? That’s one I can’t even answer for myself.
That’s one that either I take the plunge or possibly live in regret. Who wants to live a life in regret? I think I’d rather suffer the consequences of having at least tried. I may have scars but my heart is light and the smile is genuine…and the tears…the tears can sometimes be glorious. Lol