I slept all of maybe 20 minutes two nights ago. I felt great all day except maybe for the bit of nervous energy throughout the morning and mid-morning. I made it to 7pm before I felt like I was crashing a bit. Had I needed to rally I would have taken a cold bath. Fortunately I had nothing pressing and went to bed at 8:30.
I have been suffering horrible insomnia lately. I was up until 3am and figured I would be better off staying awake then trying to get into a sleep state and waking up groggy and cantankerous. So I took a heavy dose of RSO. Which was a guaranteed way for me to stay awake as that is the major side effect it gives me. Inability to sleep…usually.
I laid in bed awake but resting and wrote way too many blog entries which I haven’t been able to edit to my liking yet. I got out of bed with ample time to start my day and proceeded to do a coffee enema*. 2 cups of coffee orally have me in a tailspin talking a mile a minute and jittery. 2 cups the other way don’t usually do too much oddly enough, but this day I think…with that, the high THC dose and the lack of sleep my nervous energy was a bit too high.
Normally I utilize nervous energy to get chores and projects done. Cleaning is an awesome utilization for it and actually kind of fun when you blare music and just let yourself get in a zone. But I had a client that day and the nervous energy was making me self conscious. So in between assisting her I meditated until I could lower my heart rate and breathing enough to feel normalized.
I had never had this interesting combination of things occur before. It revealed a lot of new things to me about my own physiology. Just adding to my ever growing knowledge base, which I hope will also help my clients.
These two last years post divorce have been a lot of firsts for me. They have helped me understand myself and revealed my true nature to me in ways that have sometimes astounded me (not always pleasantly).
My life….is hard as hell…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone…and yet…I am happy (for the most part) and I am still ever grateful.
It’s not perfect. It’s so far from that it doesn’t even measure on the Richter scale, but it’s good. A person can have the world at their feet and be miserable. I have nothing barely to hold onto and yet….at this exact moment in time “all is well”. I have more than enough to be happy.
That’s the mental state I try to stay in to combat the reality that doesn’t always perfectly match, if at all really. It’s the mental state that helps me stay sane…even on the crazy, “what the fuck am I going to do?” days. It’s the mental state I want to have no matter where the wind sails me to in life. If I can give anything to my children** I hope that they can learn this from me exemplifying it.
It’s not all a state of mind…but mostly it is.
*I have liver damage and I am also in the middle of a detox cleanse and the coffee enemas are a Godsend.
**and to the world