I am soooo craving sex right now. I recognize I think about sex as much as most highly sexual men do*. Sex to me is not always about more than just sex, but sometimes it is. Right now it wouldn’t be so much intimacy (which I crave substantially) but rather about the gorgeous release and also coping with my anxiety. I’ve come to accept that I have pretty severe anxiety and learned over time how to best manage it. I think I’ve spoken about this before.
For now I’m abstaining though. I’m going to put in the work to find the right sub. One that can fulfill my needs and I can satisfy his deepest, darkest desires for as well. I find that a lot of men don’t mind at all if I utilize them as human vibrators and I have done so, but this will not be that. Okay. Maybe sometimes but mostly it will be a very deep, highly intimate and very charged obsession – on both parts.
It’s what I need. It’s what I crave. It’s what I demand.
This is not new. I wish back as a young teenager when I used to tell people I didn’t want to be a wife, that I wanted to have a wife that someone would have pointed me in this direction.** I never liked the dynamic of that. I knew even then that this wasn’t for me. Don’t get me wrong. I am loving, nurturing and love to cook. Put the power structure was the absolute bane of my marriage and I pushed back on it a lot and then one day I just surrendered to it begrudgingly because it was easier and accepted the misery of it.
Never knowing what I wanted all along was actually quite easy to find and available, just not in the “vanilla” world we see in everyday life. I should have known I needed something far from the normal spectrum. When even as a young child the TV family I most wanted to be was “The Addams Family”, not the Huxtables or Micheal J. Fox’s or Alan Thick’s family. No! I wanted to be Morticia. I even have the Halloween outfit to prove it and now I can be…my own version. I can not even begin to tell you how genuinely happy the thought of this makes me.
The world is at last starting to be closer to my inner reality now. It’s closer to my innermost deepest longings.
I will find you Gomez and I will punish you so beautifully when I do.
**not in the sense of marrying a women.
I also don’t mean having a wife in the sense of feminization, although that is not a turn off either, and as I’ve seen with Paul/Paula the thought is rather intriguing. Lol. I’m way too sexually fluid. It’s going to be hard to find that someone maybe. Maybe. But honestly maybe not. I just need a drastically high level of passion, erotica, intensity and intimacy.
Hey….if the guy that wanted to have his dick cut off and eaten found someone to happily do that with him then really. I mean really!! There is someone for everyone out there. I firmly believe that.