(Not sexual at all)
I went on an epic rant about people not being generous. It was not a good one, but it served a purpose in that it made me see that there are no excuses. Either live your truth or stop trying to say it’s your belief because without execution it’s all just blah blah blah bullshit. I suppose I can extrapolate that into the Domme world too. This post is not about sex or erotica, it’s about money.
I made $990 in the last 30 days. Pathetic. I know. Not enough to sustain a healthy lifestyle let alone pay a mortgage. Anyway. Not the point. The point is that I firmly believe in the 10% tithing ratio. Yes it was instilled by religion but the money will not go to any church. It will go directly to people. Sometime soon, hopefully tonight. I want to make sandwiches and go down to where the homeless hang out (which is not in my city because it’s very white and privileged and conservative and has no decent public transportation and has a bored police force with nothing better to do than run out loiterers) and I love it here not because of those things expressly but for so many more. Anyway.
The neighboring city as you go towards Downtown Portland has pockets of places where I would feel safe showing up with $2 bills and sandwiches and handing them out. I’d love to hand out clean syringes too but I haven’t gotten my hands on those yet. There is an epidemic in our country and people are playing Russian roulette with dirty needles and getting HIV and Hep C and God knows what. It’s disgraceful that we turn our backs on these people. I can’t stomach it. This isn’t the world I want to live in and the only way to combat that is to do something about it.
So far this month I’ve only give out $9 in cash to homeless. So that means I have $90 in $2 bills I can give out. So I’ll get 40 $2 from the bank today and save $10 in case I run into someone before next weeks clients. (That are already booked fortunately.)
If I factor in tithing I have to make about $5k a month to maintain my lifestyle and kids and house payment. And I was 1/5th there this month. Please don’t admonish me for being generous when I least should be. When I’m at my own ropes length. Hard times make you realize who you really are and what you stand for. I’m not going out without a fight, but my fight starts and ends with love…and I’m truly just hoping being true to myself saves me.
It’s all I’ve got. I’ve got so little left to lose that I don’t see the point of being anything more than who I am. Take it or leave it. For the first time in a long time I have a deep peace about everything. I still have my Tonya Harding moments. Sure! Who doesn’t? We are all allowed a pity party here and there. No one sees mine because they are epic and I do them alone. Party of one for those. Lol. Sorry. 💋💋💋
My body isn’t excessively tired. My emotions are raw and drained. My eyes and heart a bit heavy. Yet it feels like electricity is flowing through my veins. I can’t explain it any better than that. I feel alive.
I had a hard time finding homeless people where I expected them to be. Well. Yes and no. I told myself when I passed out all the sandwiches I could go home. It was the only way to make myself do it. Which sounds odd because I wanted to do it. I got 7 sandwiches ready (that’s all the bread I had) and I wasn’t going to waste them.
I went to the first spot I thought would have some people and sure enough there were 5 beautiful souls. The single girl was strung out of her mind, poor thing. I don’t even want to imagine her life. Then there was a young handsome guy. So kind. I offered medical attention; nothing major. I have home remedies for antibiotics and high power disinfectant and clove oil for tooth pain. I only got the courage to as him if he wanted or needed some.
He showed me his hands. They were tougher than the thickest leather, with deep cuts and dead white skin. They looked so chaffed and painful that my hands immediately went to touch them. I couldn’t stop myself. He asked for lotion. I knew I had Vitamin E in the car and I had brought extra baggies for the clove oil. So I put a lot of vitamin E in a baggie for him. I gave each person a sandwich, pretzel chips and the $2 bill.
The older man, the one that stayed back the most didn’t take the chips because he had a tracheotomy. I held back tears even before I got there and the whole time and finally just broke down in sobs on the way home and it felt so good and it felt so bad. (This is why I like to switch. I like to feel this too. Anyway.)
The scariest part was when there weren’t enough people there to distribute all 7 sandwiches and I drove on. No one at the second place so I trolled the shopping center alley and struck on one guy hunting for batteries. He gets 5 cents per battery oar and does more to save the planet than the majority of us probably. Lol.
He wanted a sandwich too. So I’m down to one now: right? Just one. I ask him where I can find some homeless. Under the bridge he tells me (no surprise right). I figured there was people at that park and I’ve seen people under that bridge during the day many times but never been there at 9:30pm. I didn’t know it was in the pitch dark, without a soul around and up a thicket path away from the parking lot. A dark long thicket road towards a dark and quiet bridge belly.
I walked halfway there and chickened out. I turned to talk away but only got two steps away when I stood complete still. I didn’t know what to do. I was pretty sure someone must be under that bridge. But no lights; no sounds. Not exactly close to where I was even yet. I looked up at the sky and the moon staring brightly at me and asked Hod “what do I do?” And I heard a rustle behind me and then another one. I spun around to see a flashlight at the uppermost part (of the underbridge). The highest part where a person could possibly be without defying gravity; the part where it hits the column of the bridge directly under the cars. Hard to explain without knowing bridge structure. Sorry.
So I yell out that “I have sandwiches”. No response. I ask. “Are you hungry?” No response. Okay I tell myself. 1 sandwich wasted. I did my part and I hear a faint “is that you Betty?” And I say “no. I have sandwiches; are you hungry” and I hear another guy say “yes” then the original guy chimed in “yes please”. I turn back and start walking that way and they say “she’s coming down” and they send a third person I couldn’t see from being so far and so dark and then only having a single small flashlight for illumination.
It’s not pathetic that I hugged her back much harder and longer than she hugged me? Lol. In all fairness she asked for it.
Since I only had one sandwich I gave them more cash. I think about $20 total. Who knows how many were up there. Not even gonna assume they shared though. What do I know? I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other and fielding my way through; just like everyone else. lol
I’m conflicted about giving cash to homeless; but at the same time having been there and being proud. I know cash is king and food is a blessing. I can only pray it helped more than possibly provided a men’s to an end for drugs. I’d hate for someone to die on my watch. Please not on my watch God. Anyway. You never know. Just like we don’t know why things happen the way they happen. They just do. We aren’t privileged to all the answers. Part of the grand mystery of it all. It’s all a beautifully divine hell.
It doesn’t have to be. It just seems the way society is led. I find it all so tedious and abysmal sometimes. So I look hard for the pockets of deep inner beauty and truth. We all carry pockets of truth and some of us are in touch with that beauty; whether we understand or acknowledge it is no matter though. It is there. I love those moments in life. Those moments of deep truthful beauty; they make life worth living.
And to be honest and I’ve said this a million times. In their same position I would probably be on drugs too. Which begets which really? All ways exist I’m sure…but I’m sure it’s one way to cope too. Although
I’ve always had a small aversion to drugs. Recreationally once in a while some are more acceptable than others. Habitually maybe pot at best…and even then maybe. Definitely only for fully developed brains and emotionally mature people; unless the need is medicinal. Especially since studies show it seems to stunts some people’s emotional development. I would disagree but what do I know.