I have an addictive personality. I’ve known this about myself since I was very young. It is why I avoid certain people, situations and experiences. I have known even from a young age that there are some experiences you just don’t come back from and I have had to be extra cautious because I can get carried away all too easily.
I (generally) self manage this by focusing on positive behaviors that I allow myself to be mildly addicted to; like exercise, my children, healthy eating, healthy pastimes, etc. Sometimes I still fall down the rabbit hole. Thankfully I’ve always managed to self correct before causing any real lasting long term damage.
I remember the first and only time I tried crack cocaine. I was 15. A 19 year old drug dealing friend who I knew had a major crush on me offered it to me. I was pretty sure he had ulterior motives but I had nothing better to do. To say I lacked adequate adult supervision and support would have been a gross understatement.
So we went back to the tiny, empty apartment I shared with my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter and he prepared the concoction using coke and simple household products he found there. The minute the drug hit my body I felt a euphoria unlike anything ever before. I vividly remember staring at the sky thinking that nothing ever would match this high again. It faded so fast and he immediately offered me more at his place.
I had been there dozens of times before but this was somehow different. I looked at him and he looked nefarious. I smiled pleasantly at him and said something to the effects of
“thanks but I am never touching that drug again”
and I never have. I remember the look on his face. His jaw literally dropped and he said nothing, but from that day on he treated me with a lot more respect than he offered any of the other teenagers that surrounded him.
What am I getting at?
There are tons of things in life that one can’t walk back from…or you can but the climb back is so slippery and hard that it takes a fucking miracle and a shitload of hard work to do it. I’ll refer you back to a different blog I write but basically I’m lazy. So lazy… and creating that much work for myself seems retarded.
Deviancy to me seems like a very slippery slide. Fun…sure, sure…but slippery.
And I like normal fun. I really do. I can be just as happy playing bingo with a gaggle of Bitties as I can be flaunting my wares at the sex club. I don’t NEED deviancy. I’ve talked to several people now that have told me that they need it. That once they turned away from “normal” sexual behavior they can no longer go back. That to me screams “red flag!” and I just don’t want that.
I don’t want anything or anyone to have control over me and my happiness. I don’t want to have to depend on anything or anyone to have to get off…I’m still trying to mitigate this vibrator dependency.
Bottom line is that once deviancy passes the fun zone into obsessive and necessary behavior it is no longer just fun. So…I am proceeding cautiously and with eyes wide open. I want taking part of this lifestyle to augment my life. But I want to dip my feet into all life has to offer, not just deviancy. As long as I don’t fall down any rabbit holes I can’t get out of it will all be fine. But I recognize deviancy is a big giant rabbit hole, so I am securing my harnesses before I take any deep plunges.