Addictions & Deviancy

I have an addictive personality. I’ve known this about myself since I was very young. It is why I avoid certain people, situations and experiences. I have known even from a young age that there are some experiences you just don’t come back from and I have had to be extra cautious because I can get carried away all too easily.

I (generally) self manage this by focusing on positive behaviors that I allow myself to be mildly addicted to; like exercise, my children, healthy eating, healthy pastimes, etc. Sometimes I still fall down the rabbit hole. Thankfully I’ve always managed to self correct before causing any real lasting long term damage.

I remember the first and only time I tried crack cocaine. I was 15. A 19 year old drug dealing friend who I knew had a major crush on me offered it to me. I was pretty sure he had ulterior motives but I had nothing better to do. To say I lacked adequate adult supervision and support would have been a gross understatement.

So we went back to the tiny, empty apartment I shared with my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter and he prepared the concoction using coke and simple household products he found there. The minute the drug hit my body I felt a euphoria unlike anything ever before. I vividly remember staring at the sky thinking that nothing ever would match this high again. It faded so fast and he immediately offered me more at his place.

I had been there dozens of times before but this was somehow different. I looked at him and he looked nefarious. I smiled pleasantly at him and said something to the effects of

“thanks but I am never touching that drug again”

and I never have. I remember the look on his face. His jaw literally dropped and he said nothing, but from that day on he treated me with a lot more respect than he offered any of the other teenagers that surrounded him.

What am I getting at?

There are tons of things in life that one can’t walk back from…or you can but the climb back is so slippery and hard that it takes a fucking miracle and a shitload of hard work to do it. I’ll refer you back to a different blog I write but basically I’m lazy. So lazy… and creating that much work for myself seems retarded.

Deviancy to me seems like a very slippery slide. Fun…sure, sure…but slippery.

And I like normal fun. I really do. I can be just as happy playing bingo with a gaggle of Bitties as I can be flaunting my wares at the sex club. I don’t NEED deviancy. I’ve talked to several people now that have told me that they need it. That once they turned away from “normal” sexual behavior they can no longer go back. That to me screams “red flag!” and I just don’t want that.

I don’t want anything or anyone to have control over me and my happiness. I don’t want to have to depend on anything or anyone to have to get off…I’m still trying to mitigate this vibrator dependency.

Bottom line is that once deviancy passes the fun zone into obsessive and necessary behavior it is no longer just fun. So…I am proceeding cautiously and with eyes wide open. I want taking part of this lifestyle to augment my life. But I want to dip my feet into all life has to offer, not just deviancy. As long as I don’t fall down any rabbit holes I can’t get out of it will all be fine. But I recognize deviancy is a big giant rabbit hole, so I am securing my harnesses before I take any deep plunges.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

24 thoughts on “Addictions & Deviancy”

  1. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to your drug story, although my weakness was for opiates. I did have a few moments of “never again or I will want to do this until it kills me.”

    I tend to look at deviance in a different way, though. I see it as a sexuality. My own sexual awakening at age 11 was deviant and I didn’t even realize what I was doing at the time. Following that I never had a “normal” sexual experience. I suffered about it for 12 years before accepting that it would never change. When I finally chose to own it as a sexuality, I found myself much happier. I also had a lot more empathy for gay friends that had similarly suffered with accepting themselves as it did not feel like a choice we made to be that way. While I do agree that it holds power over me and if I could undo it, I would, but sometimes it wasn’t created in the same way as being tempted by an addiction.

    Take care.

    Like

    1. Without knowing exactly what you are referring to as far as the experience I can’t say if we are or aren’t talking about the same thing. I think though that we aren’t.

      I’m not trying to equate all deviancy to possibly being addictive. I am specifically referring to power play. The dominant/submissive variety.

      I fully think everyone should be who they are. I applaud you for accepting yourself exactly how you are. We should all strive for that. I. All realms of our being even the ones we don’t care for. How else are we to change them without first truly accepting and understanding then. Not that you specifically need to change. I always reference myself really when I talk. Rarely anyone else unless I specifically say so. So go find insult in what I say is not my intention. I hope I didn’t come off that way.

      I do appreciate the dialogue and opportunity to clarify and understand someone else’s take though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, PG.

        I was actually inferring D/s power play. My sexuality was born with fantasies about being dominated and these were heavily drawn from my experiences with a particular girl that I had a crush on. As embarrassing it is to admit it, I cannot get an erection through “normal” means. Couple this with already being a different race than my community (I was adopted) and being raised in an abusive family and I was a mess.

        I didn’t take it as an insult. I can tell from your writings that you are a very thoughtful and intelligent woman. The honesty of your posts made me feel safe enough to share my own experiences and see how they compared to your view of it 🙂

        D/s is a need for me and I can’t be happy without it. That being said, I didn’t become this way by a conscious choice or with any of the risk factors involved. I would have been a whole lot happier during my teens if I could have simply gotten turned on by looking at Playboys rather than having to agonize over some twisted fantasy going on in my own head.

        It is wise to consider the factors that you are thinking about. There may also be potential benefits that you have yet to uncover as well.

        Take care.

        Like

      2. PS. I will be continuing on with your blog this weekend. I think I am through about a third of it.

        I was wondering if you preferred me to avoid commenting on older topics. Some of them are quite old and I assume that they aren’t relevant feelings in the present.

        I am very happy that I found your blog. You are a very good writer and lead an interesting life.

        Like

      3. Thank you. Comment away.

        I appreciate the support and enthusiasm. It’s nice to talk to a fellow writer. I’ve been meaning to join some writers meet-ups but it’s hard enough to put myself out into the virtual world. I’m not sure I’m ready to take that into real life yet.

        I’ve noticed when other writers riff of things I’ve written or inspired I feel very judged and put-off and it’s not a space I enjoy. Something I need to look at closer. I don’t mind people whining a mirror in me and allowing me to see aspects I don’t see but I do mind the judgement that seems to be attached to it. I recognize that it isn’t necessarily my issues that are being laid bear though rather a critique of an assumption made, be it correct or incorrect.

        There are no absolutes in life. When I speak I try to speak for myself only. Maybe that needs more self examination as well. I tried to stomach through your blog about the “natural tendencies”. Couldn’t make it through. Sorry. I think I prefer discourse face to face. My. Log is more of a diary and rumination and dreamscape than about judgement. Maybe that explains why I have no readers. It’s ok though. I’m happy being just silly little me…in this big world of giant want-a-be’s (not you…just generalizing).

        Lost my train of thought.

        Like

  2. Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry about your childhood. I have deep scars too. They are different than yours and I don’t want to share mine. If you look close enough I’m sure they are quite obvious in my blogs.

    Look! All I am trying to say with all the shit I write is that we ALL need to be happy being our true selves.

    If you need depravity…great!! Celebrate it. Relish it. Why shouldn’t you? You should. No matter how you got here this is where you are. Make the most of it!

    I’m sorry if my last reply was harsh. I am feeling very vulnerable right now and I apologize.

    Take care!

    Like

    1. I’m trying to figure out what I said that managed to put you on the defensive. It was not my purpose to do so. I have been kink/sex/BDSM blogging for 8 years and I enjoy finding others that are interesting people, even if the blog themes and primary interests don’t quite match up. I generally won’t comment until I have read every single post on a blog unless a topic comes up before I can finish that. Ideally I try to empathize with people, or at worst, open some sort of dialogue about a topic.

      Reading this post made me feel strange about myself for a bit, which is why I shared what I did. While I do accept who I am, I still question it a little bit when I know that I am someone that would raise red flags. I merely wanted to propose the idea of D/s as being a form of sexuality. I am in no way saying that your point of view is wrong. This blog is your domain and here I am the outsider and I am the one with the flaws. I apologize if you felt judged by it as I did not have any intention of that. If anything, it was rooted in my own insecurity in knowing how I would fail to meet your standards.

      My “naturally” post was an ugly one. I knew it would be. It was a rant post that had built up over the course of the better part of a month due to varying interactions I have had with others. The balance was tipped today when a blogging friend of mine was attacked and criticized by another blogger for their views. That post was a means of defending my friend’s views and venting frustrations on that topic. I am a part of several BDSM education groups and I currently mentor 3 dominants and 3 submissives. It was one of the dominants that I mentor that was attacked. My post was a response to the attack and an attempt to knock down the stereotypes that a lot of people hide behind and ideally bring about some discussion or thoughts on the matter.

      If it seems like I am over-explaining myself here it is because it is unclear to me what I did to offend you.

      Like

      1. 3 dominants and 3 submissives? Wow!! Bow down. Color me vividly impressed.

        No, no! I’m sorry. You did nothing wrong. I’m just completely not used to anyone having anything of interest to say about my blogs, let alone something pertinent.

        I am going to read more of your blogs. I can see there will be value there and you seem a very intriguing person yourself. I’m not sure I can read 8 years worth though. Do you have a highlight reel? JK. 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you very much for the response. Blogging is very dear to me and interacting with others through blogs is one of my favorite things in my life right now. The thought that I upset you haunted me quite a bit and I actually lost sleep over it.

        I follow roughly 350 blogs and I am always upon the lookout for new ones. I find your blog to be a very enjoyable read and I am quite surprised that you don’t have more followers/comments going on. I usually use tag searches but I believe I found your blog when doing a text search for “Domme.” Your blog is one of the rare few where after reading one or two posts I was set on reading them all 🙂

        I am an Asian male that grew up in an almost all white area. Couple in being a submissive male and I have been on the receiving end of a lot of negative judgment over the years. I do my best to see other people’s point of view when I can, sometimes this involves asking questions. In the case of this post, I was just trying to bring up the idea of domination/submission as a sexuality 🙂

        I blog about a mix of things. A lot of it is theoretical/ideological BDSM concepts. Some of it covers dealing with my depression. I do write erotica as well but I have that hosted on a separate blog. I do a lot of teaching in this realm, but it is mostly targeted at people who wish to practice D/s as a lifestyle, so it may not be all that interesting to you. I do rant on occasion, but it’s usually on topics where “the community” attempts to enforce conformity, cases where people try to make others feel inferior, or things like guys on fetlife that think it’s a good idea to send unsolicited dick pictures. If there are any topics of interest to you I could try to pull up some links.

        On a side note, I noticed you referenced Portland a few times. If it is Portland, OR, I lived there from 2000-2002 while attending Reed College in SE. It was my favorite city I ever lived in and I miss it quite badly.

        Take care.

        Like

      3. I am truly so sorry you lost sleep over my silliness. You are sensitive darling; aren’t you? I find that very endearing but I would never have wanted you to suffer that angst.

        Yes Portland Oregon. I love it here although it is far too white for my tastes but I’m getting used to it; or trying to. Lol

        I would LOVE to read some of your erotica.

        And thank you for the high compliments. They touch my heart. Truly. 💋❤️

        Can you email me direct links please?

        smileymacy@hotmail.com

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you. I will type up an email with some links here soon.

        No need to apologize. I am a bit sensitive. Blush. I have to wear a “tough guy face” most of the day while at work and around male peers. The blogosphere is where I let the vulnerable and inner me out. I like to be a positive presence in people’s lives. If my presence makes someone feel worse/down, it makes me beat myself up. I try to be careful with my words.

        Portland is quite white, but it has such good food! Dot’s Cafe, Pizza Roma, the Delta, the Roxy, mmm. Campbell’s BBQ and my old Cupie Cone teriyaki stand are gone now though 😦

        I did manage to finish reading all of your posts tonight. I really regret reading them in a strange order (I worked my way backwards and then jumped to the beginning and read forwards) as it is starting to blur in my mind. I will try to hop back and leave some comments where I can.

        I think what I enjoy the most about your writing is that you display both an incredible amount of sexual confidence but a balance of truth and vulnerability. I have really enjoyed reading your journey so far.

        Take care. I will have the email sent in the next hour or two.

        Like

      5. Hmmmmmmm

        I am open to suggestions…always. Please and thank you!!

        This is such a new dimension of exploration for me. I deeply enjoyed being a Domme for the all too short time I was allowed such a privilege.

        I found out that I am a very affectionate and caring Domme however I am also a “know it all” nd I want my sub to do exactly what I say unquestionably and with happiness in his heart. I wanted that soooo much.

        My sub was having a lot of anxiety and I was making him do visualization for it and I was making him express himself to me by sharing songs he liked. He didn’t seem to enjoy either or follow the tasks I set which infuriated me because I put a lot of thought into what I was trying to accomplish for his own sake and to get to know him better. (I’m sharif way more than he would like here I’m pretty sure.)

        Frankly being a Domme is rather exhausting in that it takes a great deal of insight into the other person, where they are in life, what they want to accomplish and what turns them on. At least that is the desire it brought out of me probably because I truly cared for this person.

        Conversely, I of course wanted him to pamper me and adore me and do tasks for my own sheer enjoyment as well. We just never got there. But I can see without even having tasted that how wonderful that will be, except that again it must be done with happiness in his heart and I must also reach to levels I’m not exactly familiar with. It will be a stretch for me as I am very much in tune to others desires.

        To do something completely for my own sake…for my own enjoyment and utilize a man as a tool for that with absolutely no concern for his pleasure or desires. That’s a whole new realm. (I’m salivating intensely as I write this. Lol).

        I definitely plan on dipping into the lifestyle more….but I also want to find true love. I suppose while I wait for my Prince Charming I can play with some lovely, luscious pets perhaps.

        The crux of it is that I do so enjoy switching though. I enjoy being and doing ABSOLUTELY anything for the man I love.

        What can I say…

        I want it all!

        Liked by 2 people

      6. Thank you. The first thing I will recommend is to try to learn about mental spaces. Submissive mental space is what affects subs. Domspace is what affects dominants.

        When a sub enters their submissive mental space it is like they become an entirely different person with a different set of thought patterns, priorities, and the like. It also will turn them on. When I am in my standard persona, I can pass as an alpha male. For me to feel really submissive, I need to be in my submissive mental space. Sub mental space usually works through triggers that will be unique to the sub. Then it becomes a matter of triggering their space and/or pushing them deeper or pulling them out depending upon what you want from them. Once you can do that, dominating them is very easy 🙂

        There are subs out there where acting like their needs don’t matter will actually trigger their sub mental space.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Why is that a problem? 🙂
        I think that makes absolute rational and logical sense for a Domme to get turned on by that and desire it. It is irrational for a sub to get turned on by that and desire it, but there are definitely subs that thrive under inequality.

        Chastity often plays a large part in this sort of relationship by setting the tone that you are in control of whether or not he receives sexual pleasure. There are scenarios where you can have him take care of all of the chores, wait on you and pamper you, have him go down on you for hours on end with no reciprocation, peg him whenever you want to, regardless of if he wants it or not, punish him if he fails to comply in any way, etc. FLR is the term that most closely embodies this style of D/s.

        As things are, there are way more men who want this sort of lifestyle than women, so you would have your pick.

        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Oh my! That is enthralling!

        So you’re saying everything I ever wanted in a relationship is mine. I just have to learn to dominate that space better and find a man that suits my needs. Smiling like a Cheshire Cat over here.

        Just wow!!

        Why did no one tell me this? Geesh! Here I was trying to assert my dominance on vanilla men when all along I could have had all I wanted. Well. Now!!! What’s a girl to do?

        It’s like the world just opened up wide for me and I took a deep breath of the best air ever!!

        Fucking fabulous!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      9. The search isn’t an easy one. There are sometimes some compromises that have to be made. Getting what you want becomes more likely the clearer your vision gets of what you must have and what would be nice but is optional.

        Locating a sub that will be everything that you want may take some time. Some will get close and may be able to become that with some training.

        I’m not sure why no one has told you this before, but at least I am telling you about it now 🙂

        Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

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