Right now may not be the exact right time for love. Not that I don’t want it. Not that I don’t ache for it. Not that I’m not emotionally ready. Not that I am not completely open to giving my entire love, my entire being to someone; body, heart, soul…because all those are true.
Maybe I just take a step back. Catch my breath from these capsizing waves life seems to be lobbing my way. Regroup myself and keep focusing on being the best me I can be. I still have things to work on…goals to achieve. Not that loving anyone will take away from that. Just that…I have things I can be doing so that when it finally does come I am in a really great place.
I have most boxes checked as far as who I want to be versus who I am. But there is still room for improvement and moving up a couple rungs on the desirability scale. Why not? I could settle. The last 14 years of my life felt like settling. I was beyond miserable. So now I just can’t. I didn’t fight so hard to lose this battle.
Life can be cruel. I was promised nothing. Many go out with less and given worse shakes. Which is why I must, even with this extreme hardship I’m having to endure, be grateful still; even through the tears. I also have to maintain hope. Hope that what I’ve dreamt of and wanted my entire life will appear. That as Cheri Huber says “that which you seek is seeking you”. I have to believe. I just have to.
Call it stupidity or my stubborn Cuban streak. I refuse to give up. I’ll go down swinging and spewing out love even if it’s just a gentle whisper no one can even hear.
