Dammit

It’s not like it was a lifelong dream to be an escort. The only reason I even contemplated and pursued escorting was to avoid losing my house and kids. It looks like I may be able to keep the house although I’ll have to rent it out. And by keeping the house I’ll be able to keep the business. But I will not be able to keep my kids. My heart is breaking; literally it feels like that. I’m sure it’s just chest pains from anxiety. These kiddo’s are such a deep part of who I am. I’m so beside myself right now and to deliver them to the man I… the man that…the one person who…ugghhhh.

I can’t bare it.

I have to keep telling myself over and over that it’s a temporary situation. A momentary problem; part of my hard knocks life. I mean hey…why stop the trend? I did everything I did these last two years including the divorce for the kids sake and now I have to…stiff upper lip. Grin and bear it. It will make me stronger…if it doesn’t rip me apart first.

I will work like a dog…12, 14 hour days if I have to to get my business to where it needs to be to get them back. I will stop at nothing. I will not sell my soul or succumb to lying, cheating, manipulation or slimy salesman tactics. I will not do anything illegal. But I will do whatever it takes.

As soon as I rent out the house I won’t have that huge weight on my shoulders and I will take down the escort site. Not like I really put any effort into it. I did get propositioned for sex. I didn’t do it. Why would I? I don’t want to live in that world.

I also don’t want to live in a world without my children though. This is going to be so hard and yet I have to maintain my “mommy is the rock” status for them. I’m sure I will cry like a baby for hours and hours the day they leave. I’ll have to pencil that in. I will be an utter mess.

I half contemplated dating again because well I won’t have that sticky escort thing to think about. I won’t have the kids. Technically my financial situation will be alleviated and I will be able to support myself at the very least. I will have long nights of boredom to look forward to. I just don’t know that my head will be in the right place for dating. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’ll join a bunch of meet-ups, train vigorously for my 10k and just work, work, work and not worry myself about boys for the time being; however long that may be.

When? Where is the ease? I’ve worked and struggled and sacrificed so much. I’m not giving up, but I am so tired and disheartened right now. Tears. Just tears.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s