It’s not like it was a lifelong dream to be an escort. The only reason I even contemplated and pursued escorting was to avoid losing my house and kids. It looks like I may be able to keep the house although I’ll have to rent it out. And by keeping the house I’ll be able to keep the business. But I will not be able to keep my kids. My heart is breaking; literally it feels like that. I’m sure it’s just chest pains from anxiety. These kiddo’s are such a deep part of who I am. I’m so beside myself right now and to deliver them to the man I… the man that…the one person who…ugghhhh.
I can’t bare it.
I have to keep telling myself over and over that it’s a temporary situation. A momentary problem; part of my hard knocks life. I mean hey…why stop the trend? I did everything I did these last two years including the divorce for the kids sake and now I have to…stiff upper lip. Grin and bear it. It will make me stronger…if it doesn’t rip me apart first.
I will work like a dog…12, 14 hour days if I have to to get my business to where it needs to be to get them back. I will stop at nothing. I will not sell my soul or succumb to lying, cheating, manipulation or slimy salesman tactics. I will not do anything illegal. But I will do whatever it takes.
As soon as I rent out the house I won’t have that huge weight on my shoulders and I will take down the escort site. Not like I really put any effort into it. I did get propositioned for sex. I didn’t do it. Why would I? I don’t want to live in that world.
I also don’t want to live in a world without my children though. This is going to be so hard and yet I have to maintain my “mommy is the rock” status for them. I’m sure I will cry like a baby for hours and hours the day they leave. I’ll have to pencil that in. I will be an utter mess.
I half contemplated dating again because well I won’t have that sticky escort thing to think about. I won’t have the kids. Technically my financial situation will be alleviated and I will be able to support myself at the very least. I will have long nights of boredom to look forward to. I just don’t know that my head will be in the right place for dating. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’ll join a bunch of meet-ups, train vigorously for my 10k and just work, work, work and not worry myself about boys for the time being; however long that may be.
When? Where is the ease? I’ve worked and struggled and sacrificed so much. I’m not giving up, but I am so tired and disheartened right now. Tears. Just tears.