The date with Alan was all I expected it to be and then some; fluid. He was charming and regaled me with story upon story of his sexual escapades and business endeavors. He was open to answer all of my questions; no matter how personal. I had fun. We got around to playing a little. It was as sensual as I had imagined. A mere mortal girl would have fallen. We are taking about a $200 dinner, champagne, rooftop romance, everything a girl likes to hear and all the ways she likes to be treated and touched. But I left at midnight and could not put the pedal to the metal hard enough to get to my own bed.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t a comfort to be with. It’s just that…I want more. He told me over dinner that I’m complicating my own sex life. I need to turn it down a few notches and just start by having fun. I found it a bit funny since I thought that’s what I was doing with him; but anyway.
I couldn’t help but recall the other night while masturbating that I was (in my mind) calling out for him who I’m waiting for. All of a sudden his voice came into my head clear as a bell.*
He said “I’m coming as fast as I can”
I laid in bed and continued to masturbate and then I heard his voice again…he said
“I love you”
and the floodgates opened and I came harder and longer than I have in a very, very long time.
The funny thing is…that I feel like I’m the one that isn’t ready. I suppose though that love; true love never takes away from your life it only adds to it. Which is why in my opinion all this talk people spit out about it not being the “right time” or “complicated” or whatever other bullshit is ludicrous to me. The perfect time for love is always NOW. Timing is so rarely truly the issue it’s not even worth mentioning. It is almost always the person, or rather the dynamic at fault.
So….ok. I’m waiting. But know I’m not trying to set anyone up for failure and put too much pressure on this either. I’m the most understanding person I know. I can attest to everyone’s inherent fallibility; especially my own. Perfection even in regards to the “relationship” is not the goal. Genuine understanding, tenderness, passion, trust, devotion and generosity of spirit…
these matter the most; not some mythical superhuman with no flaws or bad habits that will magically make everything perfect by their mere existence. Don’t get me wrong; love does feel a lot like that…but the reality I want is to be to him as much as he is to me. So that said…I am ready.
*I have in my life had several instances of clairaudio; but so few it’s hard to put credence into it especially since my imagination is so strong and intensely active. A girl can dream though and hope maybe it could be true.