What a ridiculous week I’ve had.
Where to even begin? Ugghhh.
Two men professed their legitimate and heartfelt undying love for me. I met a sugar daddy who made it very obvious he wanted me and that he has a lot of money. Which I already knew he did, he just made it so over the top obvious, flashing his diamond encrusted watch at me, his brand new car and literally offering me money. Frustrating!!
To make matters worse I didn’t get a really good job I had applied for. I passed all the testing but unfortunately failed the 7 panel interview process. But to top it all off, I may be having to give over custody of my kiddo’s to my abusive, emotionally immature and manipulative ex-husband because I can’t cut it right now.
I blame Valentine’s Day. As far back as I remember this day has been cursed for me. It’s why I don’t make a fuss about it. I try and pretend it doesn’t exist and do the absolute least possible. This year I bought a tiny little something for each kidlet and called it a day and yet still didn’t avoid the blasphemous curse.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do right now. I’m at a very serious crossroads with no easy or even just obvious path in sight. I had hoped this year would be better than the last few I’ve had but it’s started out pretty harsh so far. It’s so odd.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve accomplished a lot of personal growth and hurdles from and including my divorce and abusive childhood and I’m the happiest with myself as a person I’ve ever been and yet…what has that gotten me?
I was reminiscing with (Aaron) one of my ex-boyfriends today and remembering how his mother thought I wouldn’t make a good wife. The funny thing to me about that now is that I was an excellent wife (even by my ex-husbands standards) and to this day Aaron never married. At the time I wanted to be married to him more than anything in the world. Life sure does throw some curve balls. Now, while I still care for him deeply, I would never consider a relationship beyond friendship with him…
My point is that I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t get it. Other times I’ve thought I known what I wanted and gotten it only to be like “oh no”. Like meeting that sugar daddy today. Like the one and only time dating a married man who actually did leave his wife for me…only for me to realize I was never going to trust this man and it had all been a huge mistake from the get-go.
Now; I knew exactly where I needed to be. I did everything necessary to get myself there and I absolutely love the space I inhabit and yet…I could scream!!!
I’m so sick of this hard-knocks life but I don’t want to use the resources offered to me (as far as men go). I just can’t! I can’t! It has to mean something. It just does. I need it to be real or be a bonafide business transaction.
I really just never wanted any of my actions to affect my children. I would do anything in the world to ensure their happiness and safety and the thought of them being away from me rips me to my very core. My ex was barely able to control his happiness at me admitting I have failed too. Technically maybe failed isn’t the best word but I’ve definitely been sidelined…that’s for sure…and all I can hope at this point is that I don’t lose my business or my house.
Something will come through. Something has got to happen. Some miracle. It’s not like I’ve been sitting around eating bon-bons, drinking Pabst all day and watching Days of our Lives. I’ve been working my ass off. I’ve been networking, marketing, adjusting, improving, building my business up. The 6 months I allotted was simply not enough time; which was a HUGE misstep on my part. A year from now is much more feasible.
But now what? What do I do now? Right now? I just don’t even know anymore. I guess I keep moving forward, nose to the ground, working, having faith, moment by moment, day by day, until it opens up; until it all works out. God let it work out…