Not just sexually, which is already horrible enough. Just so blah about everything right now. I took down the escort website again. Lol. I actually got a few calls, which I did not answer. So I didn’t have anything come out of it. Not that I tried that hard really.
It reminds me of when I did private dancing. I lasted exactly one week and then I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming. One day I’ll have to go into those details. It was an interesting week to say the least. An interesting segment of society exists in the realms outside of sight in the quiet of the deep night.
My financial footing is just so precarious right now that it has me feeling a bit in shambles. Before I got married I never really worried to much about it. It was easy for me to get good jobs and if I was without a job (which rarely happened) or between apartments, or moving out from my boyfriends house after an argument in the middle of the night it didn’t worry me. I could couch crash or sleep in my car. It was all no big deal. Now divorced with kiddo’s it’s a whole different ballgame.
The moment that divorce was finalized and he moved out it hit me like an avalanche. The pressure of having to maintain a stable income to provide for the family with me as its head was over-fucking-whelming. I immediately had nothing but absolutely utter respect for what men go through because if they feel anything like I felt in that moment it’s fucking intense. I had never felt that kind of pressure before.
The thought of living in my car or bouncing around was simply not an option. I mean yes people do suffer that fate unfortunately, but I would and will do whatever it takes (legally) to not have that happen to my children. I just can’t even bare the thought.
I went into the business I did (my legitimate one) because I have a deep passion for helping people and I know it’s the right space for me to be in. I simply didn’t allocate enough time for realistically building up a business from scratch and I didn’t have a plan B firmly in place.
Everyone should have a plan B. Thank God they exist in both senses, but I was so resolute. So stubborn. Honestly though, had I not been I would have never done it and this is where I really do need to be.
I got a call today from a frantic father that desperately needed help for his son. I am not legally allowed to work with children but I did tell him how he could help his son and much cheaper than I would have done so and it felt wonderful. It made my day but it didn’t bring me a single dollar. Not that I do things strictly based on monetary gain…obviously not. It’s just an observation as to how where I need to be hasn’t exactly been entirely lucrative as I had hoped it would be. I know it will take time, but I am lacking in that right now.
I hope and pray that some financially lucrative doors open soon. Something that makes sense for where I am in life and what I have going on…brood and all.
It’s a long bubble bath night for sure. Really long!! This one will go down in the books. Unfortunately not for 50 shades reasons but alas a girl can still dream. Try and stop me! Lol