I’m going to take the next couple months to get myself financially stable; one way or another. The universe seems to be leading me in the direction I actually want to go, just not as swiftly as I need. But I will keep working my ass off until the income I need to survive starts to materialize. Good thing I like challenges in life. Lesser souls may have given up by now. My tenacity or sheer stubbornness has a way of helping me out sometimes.
What I didn’t anticipate however was to be blindsided by an unreciprocated love affair. To realize one is not thought of as highly as one wanted or desired as much as one had thought one was can be mildly devastating. Especially when one had the hopes of making something substantial out of the situation. Alas…life doesn’t always work that way. I could sit here and chastise myself for lack of foresight or letting myself get so engulfed…but I’m not sure what purpose that would serve.
I don’t have enough space or time to look at this objectively yet. So I am going to just allow myself these next few months to give dating a backseat. Catch my breath a bit. Get myself organized and stabilized and then charge forth again with my usual bright spirit. I’m going to nurse my wounds for a bit here and redirect that energy towards a much more necessary endeavor.
It’s just too bad that all that dating got me nothing of great consequence; not even a lover. But I had fun. I won’t complain. I am ever so truly grateful to be treated well; to be thought of highly; to be desired. I pushed myself to the highest of my capabilities working with what I have and who I am. I didn’t expect it to be everyone’s cup of tea but many doors did open for me and that is not something I take lightly or trivially. Deeply honored.
Why I found what I desire with a man that couldn’t give me what I wanted? Well. Maybe it’s just life laughing at me and asking me to stop taking myself so seriously. Ok universe. Fine. I get it. I’ll laugh again. Just not right this second. Let me pause a minute and wipe these tears. Let me clear my throat and start again fresh in a tiny bit.
2 months. Which when the minutes crawl like slugs and the days seem to drift aimlessly like dandelion petals in the wind may appear like complete lifetimes away. But it’s a goal. A landmark for my soul to look upon in the horizon of what has of late been a somewhat bleak and somber landscape.
Maybe a visit to the sex club is in order. That always cheers me up.