This thing with Kurt made me realize that I am not your average kitty cat. While yes, I have 2 years of psychology and behavior modification under my belt and I have a lot of great things to show for it: an amicable divorce, the best self esteem I’ve ever had, a better relationship with my children and parents, etc. I have also issues that have not and may not ever go away.
We all have our drama. I know now relationship-wise I still desire a high level of co-dependence. I need a high level of intensity and charge. I crave a relationship where I can have a lot of freedom and trust and yet still have a significant level of enmeshment and possessiveness. Can I say that this is healthy? Maybe most people wouldn’t think so but to me it feels like home. It is what I need. What satisfies the deep cravings of my soul.
Honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I am learning that things are not going to be exactly how I think they are going to be and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite glorious to accept that maybe what makes you intrinsically happy isn’t the “picture of normalcy”, but if it works for you and it’s good for you….who gives a fuck?
I don’t think my version of “happily ever after” will look anything like everyone else’s, because frankly I’m not like everyone else. I have desires that grow wild and untamed. I have deviancies that have their one deviancies….and I think now…instead of trying to be someone I’m not and chastise myself for it… I am going to embrace it and cherish it. I will never be vanilla. I will never be a prim little proper princess. I will both roar and lay myself at the alter of love as a sacrifice interchangeably….because that is who I am. It is who I enjoy being. It is who I will be deep down regardless of how many more years of therapy I have now come to realize…..because deep down I will resonate only with that which enchants my heart….and I’m ok with whoever that may be. No more judgment from my head about it. I’m letting it be and there is such a deep satisfying freedom to that…because all this work does make me see…ultimately I do have my own best interest in mind. Ultimately the heart wants who it wants for good reasons of its own…and I am good with that. Wherever it takes me.
I say that while I literally am dating no one; sleeping with no one. I have no one on the horizon and no interest in any person right this second…beyond what doesn’t seem meant to be.
At least….I’m figuring things out…and allowing myself to accept that what I will one day have will never resemble “normals”. It can and will be my greatest happiness. It will just be our very own version; a healthy and good for both of us yet deviant and highly co-dependent for most people relationship with someone just a little bit broken too. Frankly when you look at it that way it makes perfect sense. And truly I’m just at the point in my life where “I don’t give a fuck about they”!!