I’ve always been boy crazy. I did have a spell where I felt I went both ways in high school. A period where I really wanted to be with a girl. By my 20’s when I got to actually try it I was not able to relax enough to enjoy it; even with mass amounts of alcohol. Now I think woman are still glorious and I would love to make out with one. However, I can’t see myself in a relationship with one. I have only 3 times been attracted enough to a girl to be like; um yea…sign me up. And that hasn’t happened in 20 years. Soooo. Who knows?
Meanwhile still as boy crazy as ever and drum roll here please……..
I can fall madly in love again. I am just so thrilled, because I really wasn’t all that sure. So, if that has to be the take-away from the Kurt Edward thing then so be it. I’m not fighting against the tide anymore. That just gets too hard. I want to simply enjoy my life now. That’s it. It sounds complex but it really isn’t.*
I guess what I am saying is that whatever that was on many levels was rather painful. It was too much going against the tide and while I don’t shirk away from being stretched as a person, from new experiences outside my frame of reference; when it comes to putting my heart on the line; I want make sure it’s going to be well taken care of and appreciated and I simply didn’t feel that was the case after a while.
The funny thing is I can be completely and unwaveringly loyal to one man. I’ve proven it on a longish term…almost 3 years and more than happily so. The interesting thing is that my current version of monogamy is so much more lenient than it used to be and more so than the standard relationships people have. You’d think that would appeal to men. Maybe I’m too naive. Are men more romantic then they allude? Life can be so confusing. Wish everyone just meant what they said and said what they meant. I’m all for games. I love poker. Bedroom games are all good. Don’t fuck with my heart though. Why is that too much to ask for? Uggghhhh Heartbreak sucks!
*I’m figuring it this way and I know I’m not the first to say it…..but if I can’t enjoy the things I have now; the good my life does have in it, then why should I be entitled to more? Right? Just seems to make sense to me. Religious studies can be scientific; if you consider them based in logic. At least I see it that way. Lol