Shoot myself in the foot, infinite power/control

I have this amazing ability to shoot myself in the foot. Sometimes it’s just a way for me to walk away; knowing I didn’t leave a return path. It’s my way of making that an absolute point of no return in my life. So I tear down the water tower, burn the bridge, create a mote, stuff it full of piranha and walk away as fast as I can without looking back.

And then I can remember all the great things I loved about it there. I can let myself dream the best dreams I wanted to come true about that time, because I know it’s over and I don’t have to look or live the bad parts anymore, ever again. That’s all been done; no need to revisit that part. Those lessons have hopefully been learned and we are moving on.

Sometimes it doesn’t take shooting myself in the foot because I’m ready to go but sometimes I become comfortable, even in the misery. And it’s in moments of clarity I do what needs to be done to keep growing, to keep moving forward towards where I really want to be in life and not just settle for whatever comes at me.

One day I hope these things align so I don’t have to keep going to such extremes to get out of somewhere I let myself be in the first place. I mean it doesn’t really seem to make much sense if I look at it that way. Does it? And also… I really like my feet.

———

The times when I’ve felt most closely aligned to divinity, source, God, life energy, whatever anyone wants to call it… is when I’ve stepped out of my own ego and neurosis long enough to just flow with life. Like those athletes that say that everything just aligned and time seemed to slow down and everything flowed perfectly into place. Like that pretty much; which is a severe under-representation of the actuality of it, but hopefully is somewhat illustrative of what I am trying to talk about.

It’s when I am just living; with no judgement, no fear, no prejudice, no expectation; when I am completely open… heart and mind. It is being in the flow of whatever is happening, whether that be a torrent, a mist or a sun filled esplanade. It’s the most difficult, easy thing we can probably do in this life and it adds genuine beauty, truth and real, actual valor to this scenery, more than anything else one can do…..and yet…

🤷🏽‍♀️🤔🤷🏽‍♀️

Sadness?

I’ll be fine. I don’t give myself options on that. I just keep going; doing what needs to be done. It’s not that I’m on the brink of collapse. I don’t know what that looks like, to be honest. It’s no where near suicidal and I have that as the lowest benchmark I’ve ever hit. So I at least know that much.

I’m just a bit sad maybe, a tiny bit lethargic in general but still persuing personal goals. Not with as much zeal as someone might hope but not hopeless at all either. I’m feeling in between feelings. Like a void of feelings almost. It doesn’t feel like denial or avoidance more so just an indifference to everything. Like I don’t have the energy to feel anything right now. I have the energy to act though; and the emotions will come. I’m not worried; although this is a bit new to me. I’m usually very emotional. So it’s an interesting state to be in and that does intrigue me somewhat.

So I’m still me, only a very subdued version at the current moment. Which doesn’t feel good or bad. It doesn’t feel like much of anything at all beyond a mere fact of the matter of just being whatever it is.

And that’s ok.

———-

I’m not looking to be rescued, although tht does sound like a dreamy way to go. But…… deep down don’t we all just want to be loved. Simple. So simple. Ridiculously simple. And yet……..

I need to get over this childish idea. Don’t I? Seems the logical thing to do. It even feels like following my own dreams and path may lead me to where my dreams come true. But this road has been so hard. Rewarding on a spiritual and personal growth level but so very fucking hard too. Do I give up? Do I just forget about it. Refocus. I try. I do try.

And then I let myself fall back into the heavenly landscape of wonder, desire and fulfilment that I can loose myself into. Maybe the longing is my real companion here. Lol 💋. Is that sad?

Transcendental Inquiry

I know there are things I don’t understand yet about the universe, life, energy, time, space, matter, Divinity.

I know that there are beings walking this Earth that better understand these things I long to see and experience for myself. That are privy to a real depth of knowledge about the power we possess and the powers of the divine and how to align with this and master it.

I spose the opportunities will come if and when they are meant to. Maybe I’m not ready yet. Maybe I need to….. hmmmmm…. I don’t quite know actually. I know this desire has been in the background of my entire life as long as I can remember, a life quest one could say. That few understand this is something I’ve grown to accept. Because I truly believe like Cheri Huber says “that which you seek is seeking you”.

I shouldn’t have to choose between true love, my children’s health/stability and the lessons and fulfilment of my souls journey.

This is why I stand firm. Because I want it all. But we shall see, shan’t we. Meanwhile I am open to the true beauty, interconnection and joy that is here for me along the way…on this path…to who knows where exactly… and that ain’t nothing. In fact that seems to makes this topsy turvy ride worthwhile. And I stand here grateful; through it all.

Thank you! 💋💋🙏🏽

Bitch

I recently had a man tell me he wanted not just a slut but a bitch. He was referring to me and his desire for me and he explained this to me in writing. It took me a few days of analysis to figure out if that was an insult or not. I’m still not sure how he meant it but I find it really funny.

I definitely have the capacity for it; undoubtedly. I’ve never had a partner not call me that or think it about me. Never. Because I can be rather stubborn, opinionated, blunt and even rude sometimes. I also tend to speak my mind which isn’t always favorable.

I’m human; having a human experience. I have so many wonderful qualities but not being an asshole ever isn’t one of them. And I can live with that because it’s all part of the experience of living. Sometimes being an bitch comes in handy. What can I say?

Love songs

Doesn’t help listening to love songs.

Not sure what I’m aiming for here doing that.

I was told recently by a man “don’t settle”. He said it to me so genuinely and almost supplicating me to listen to him. It was touching.

Brad would always say he wasn’t good enough for me; way too many times and very painful to hear.

It’s fine. It’s all fine.

If I could just accept that maybe it isn’t meant to be in this lifetime.

What I want, what I seek…. is a love truly beyond time and space. It’s a love that maybe there is a chance I may not see and live out this time around. The possibility exists. Just because I know it to be available doesn’t mean I get to have it; much like Nirvana.

Although Nirvana is something I think because it is singular, within ourselves, is something more plausible even.

But what do I know? I sometimes feel like I live in a world that most people don’t seem to live in. Lol 💋

Who am I kidding?

I mean really, is anyone fooled?

There are three things I want in life.

1) to be close to, in alignment with and feel the depths of divinity within my soul.

2) stability and health for myself and my girls

3) a love like no other

Yet these things seem always so fleeting, impermanent and complicated

And I move from desperately wanting one to the others at any given moment in time.

But yet I also know when it comes down to it all I really truly want is tranquility, peace of mind and happiness within myself. And I don’t need any of the 3 above to have this.

This is the battle I have within myself. There are many wars waging in life. Wars outside of myself. Wars that I am part of through no desire or choice, it seems. So I try to concentrate on the wars I can actually win.

But I’m feeling mixed up in the middle of a huge conundrum right now with no clarity yet.

What I know is that I miss being touched. I miss being loved. I miss loving and touching. There is this desperate longing I wish I could satiate. But I must not have met that person yet because no one is here……..💔😣😢