Sex Toys, away enemas & Ultimatums

Last night Brad and I played in the Sex Chateau for the first time. He asked me “isn’t this nice?” And I said “eventually”. Lol. It isn’t very sexy yet. It will get there. It’s a finished carpeted room with a deeply slanted roof on top of garage. As expected with what is in the garage it smells like motor oil. The wall heater put-putz out a small amount of heat. He has two grandma chairs in it (literally) and just a bunch of mish-mosh stored junk: a bedframe, an exercise machine. I can see how it will be sexy once we get done with it but for now it’s utilitarian.

So we broke out some new toys. I gave him a new safe word “purple” and we, unfortunately, got to it way too quickly because his back started hurting. We were packing up about to go have dinner when I asked him what the new toy was. He excitedly took it out of the package telling me it was a vagina pump and asked if we could use it. Sure! I said.

Initially it felt awkward but I could feel it pulling on me and my clit felt a little tingly. He then started fucking me and it felt really great but when he went back to the pump things went awry quickly. I used my safe word as it was hurting exponentially bad. Note to self “stop” is a horrible safe word. I could have just released some air into the unit but the pain was so atrocious I couldn’t think straight. He then wanted to fuck me more and as he put his dick on me the pain made me see stars and not in a good way. I timidly palpated it and my side walls had prolapsed. Oversharing I know.

You couldn’t see it only feel it. I immediately got into the hot tub, rinsed off and laid in bed with an ice pack on my nethers. I was out for the count all night and didn’t let him near me again. He asked if I lost trust in him. Maybe a tiny bit, but ultimately it was just a bad combination of factors. Needless to say I’ll be hammering that pump to pieces before it gets anywhere near me. Well. Not all sex toys are for all people. I’m up for trying a very precise clit pump though.

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I gave Brad an ultimatum last night. Either we make love by New Years or its over. Seems maybe a bit silly but what can I say. I know my emotional needs and that’s a big one. I can’t just have BDSM, porn type sex always. I just can’t. We laugh. We talk. We caress, but we don’t make love and it never occurred to me someone wouldn’t know what that was…. but in talking to Brad we’ve come to the conclusion that he’s never made love before. So it may be a steep learning curve. Good thing I’m up for putting in the “hard” work with a bunch of trial and error. Lol

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There are a lot of negatives to Brad and I. Things I’m not sure we can get past. He can be very emotionally immature. He has a potty mouth. He is extremely sensitive, has health issues and also extreme insomnia. These are just his list of issues. I have my own. Together we are one mixed bag of “what now?” Lol and yet here we are trudging along making the best of it. I generally think ultimatums are a waste of time and don’t work. I was really trying to use this as more of an incentive. Probably not my best idea but I have very little filter from thought process to verbalization sometimes.

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I have my ex in-laws over at my house for the holiday and so I’ve spent two nights at Brads. Not necessarily trying to avoid them as much as just to take advantage of spending time with Brad knowing the girls are ok. This of course puts a ratchet in my routines though. I’m not really set up at his house. I have a toothbrush and lipstick there. Hardly anything close to my real needs. I just haven’t wanted to inundate him, but I also haven’t been feeling well; digestively and emotionally. I desperately needed my coffee enema. So I bought the 4 ingredients I needed at Walmart and gave myself an away game. It was awkward. The only other time I’ve ever done this was at my best friends house (God bless her).

—//

Brad and I keep arguing. Maybe it shouldn’t surprise me too much about the making love thing. Why are relationships so fucking complicated? Ugghhhhhh. Ultimately I think it’s worth the effort. I still think he’s trainable. Just going moment by moment here. I think I clearly explained to him last night that I have a strong need for calmness and simple joys in my life. I am in a state of overload with all my responsibilities and demands and if he is going to add to that then this won’t work.

Ok.

Bitchfest over. It’s a gorgeous day out and I’m going to extract all the happiness I can from it. Kiss 💋

—-

Sidenote: This was fun (see image) because I could easily do breath play on him. I didn’t so much like the dildo as just the thought of it. Me using it instead of him and then adding breath play and CBT. Fun fun!! Eventually I just climbed on top of him and he ate me out and I could still do breath play by holding his nose. He was tied to the bed so he was at my complete mercy.

Simple pleasures. Lol 😉

Fetlife and Domme services

God I love Fetlife!! So many yummy things on there. So many yummy men and subs offering themselves to me. Ugghhhhhh.

It so makes me wish I had a little private business location…. my own little place to fulfill all these fantasies (minus sex of course). These fantasies of humiliation, degradation and total loss of control. I honestly don’t see it as truly humiliating or emasculating as others seem to see it. I just see it as loads and loads of fun. Lol. But I’m a weird duck….. I guess. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I wanted to put out a request for a tranny or bi sub for Brad and I to play with but then I think I’ll get inundated and overwhelmed. In a world of finite time and endless people…… it makes me sad I can’t spend more time playing.

Brad said to me today he will find me a location. He is so good to me. We shall see. Shan’t we.

Gatekeeper

I’m truthfully not sure what kind of relationship Brad and I have*. So far it’s been me doing whatever I want and him telling me to do so. It’s very one-sided…..with the exception of me pushing him to try a sexual experience with a tranny. Which he hasn’t gotten to do yet.

Brad has suggested that I fuck whomever I want and he just be a fly on the wall with zero participation on his end. The thought is intriguing, but with the exception of making love he satisfies me sexually and I can’t see a reason to go out for more cock.

Now obviously I still have a bucket list of sexual experiences I want to partake in….many, many, many experiences…. but I see him being an active part of them. That’s not to say maybe I’ll try things I’ve never even dreamed of yet….

The part of making him only watch me with another man sounds like such sweet torture though that honestly that may just need to happen. Lol.

We shall see. Yesterday we got in a big fight at a nice restaurant near my house. Luckily I know almost no one. I do happen to know the chef at this place though (who did give me a few sweet glances) and I think based on Brad’s behavior he probably heard about the ruckus.

I don’t discredit that I may have been a small part of the instigation but I don’t justify people’s behavior, especially childish and impudent actions. Brad will have to learn to navigate my moods and most certainly his moods better. Generally speaking, except for affection, less is more in public and more is more in private.

I am ever happy to discuss issues and he can get as angry as he wishes behind closed doors. He can even learn to table it for a BDSM session so he can teach me what he needs from me. He doesn’t realize his tantrums just shut me down and I internalize none of it.

When he behaves this way it completely annihilates and invalidates any point he may have. Sometimes, like when he left last night, even though by this point we’d made up, I think to myself……how nice it is to just be alone.

Even still. Here he is. My gatekeeper.

*open, cuck, poly, etc.

Lol….no idea

Fucking Hot – Gender Bender

I really don’t get why it’s hot for women and not hot for men to dress this way?

Men and women have both feminine and masculine parts to their personality and persona, to their sexuality even. Why can they not display whatever side they wish to? I simply don’t get it. I don’t get why we are so regimented and uptight. I find this very sexy.

Thanks to a new friend for letting me share these. 💋

Manifesting – housewife? – healing

So there is all this new age stuff being shoved down our throat constantly about manifesting your destiny. Basically you have to visualize what you want clearly and hold space for it with positive expectations. I believe it works and I’ve seen people who I think (maybe erroneously) don’t merit its benefits succeed greatly through its use.*

Over the last few weeks of work I’ve realized something; a clarification of sorts. You see…… once I finally got to my golden number of clients: 15; it came to me.

I have said from the beginning – I need 12-15 clients a week to sustain myself financially. Last week I had 15. This week I have 12. It’s a bit of an anomaly. There were factors that may or may not duplicate themselves but I was able to see clearly that which I’ve envisioned for over a year manifested and I realized that……

Soooo while…..

Yes I am so very deeply grateful and yes I absolutely love what I do and yes I am so truly happy to be where I knew I wanted to be and am so glad I was able to achieve my goals……if only temporarily. It has clarified something for me.

When it comes down to it…. I hate to even say this because it sounds so antiquated. I think it makes me sound….. well….. I’m sure a myriad of unpleasant words could maybe apply here. So…. I’m just going to say it. I want to be a (pseudo) housewife again**. There. I said it and part of me can’t even believe I did.

I have been taking care of myself since I was 17. I started working at 15. I started my first business at 9 selling candy and stickers to classmates. When I got married at 29 my (ex)husband and his family wanted me to stay at home. It took me three years kicking and screaming the whole time to accept it and even then not entirely. I still pursued making my own money as much as I could on a hobby type basis while maintaining my family and household in no. 1 status.

I feel like I have to justify this desire but honestly I don’t. That’s just what I want. The freedom to work when I want to and how I want to while taking care of the people I love first and foremost.

I’m not sure how this will manifest: lottery, speaking engagements, increase my rates, marriage. I honestly don’t know. I know I won’t compromise who I am to get it. But I also know I can’t keep going at this rate. I’ll most certainly burn out.

So I’m manifesting ease for myself. I often think how can this work? Wouldn’t everyone do this? Wouldn’t those people suffering in Yemen, seeing their children starve to death simply manifest a different reality. I wish I had an answer for that. I wish I knew why so many innocent people suffer in this world. It’s a lot to take on and I don’t have a clear answer to why. So I have to trust and believe one day I will know the answer to that and it will satisfy my souls pain.

Until then…. what is there to do? I have but one stupid little life here. I’m just trying to make the most of it. I’m not going to be ashamed to want what I want. I’m going to accept that wanting it is acceptable and plausible and who knows….. maybe just maybe….. life will grant me this or even better.

The thought makes me happy and ultimately that’s what I truly seek. Happiness!

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*Good for them. It’s not my place to judge. It just from the outside appears to be so, but who knows. I do see that most people who feel unworthy (whether they are right or wrong in that assessment) seem to self sabotage themselves at some point anyway. And three cheers for Karma.

**There really should be a better word for this. I just want to take care of the people I love. I want to have the energy and time for the things I love; this also includes my business clients. In order to do this I have to have the time to replenish myself. In a finite world it becomes difficult. Life doesn’t seem to be structured for self care.

——-/

I almost wish I could truly harness this healing capacity people seem to attribute to me. But at the same time it scares me. On so many levels. It scares me that I don’t have control over it. I was told by a fellow healer I was simply manifesting love. I get that but then why can I not control it, target it? And if I could then what? Would I myself be a target of some kind? And could I take care of myself enough to replenish this energy; being that the world seems in such dire need of healing?

I’m honored and confused and worried about it…. all in one big jumble. I don’t wish it away….. but….. I am also so unsure what to do about it. I’m going to let it come of it’s own accord. I will be doing some Reiki training next month to see if I can focus the energy better. I guess we’ll see.

I get concerned for myself because like in the case of Brad and other clients that are also ill….. sometimes I can physically feel their symptoms as if they were my own. Not to the extent they feel them but as a kind of pulsing sensation of discomfort. I’ve had so many “oddities” happen in my life that this is just one small manifestation of it. I don’t take it as any more than what I understand it to be. Which isn’t much. I let it be.

I guess maybe I just have to accept I was given this gift I don’t quite know how to use or understand fully yet. Leaving it in God’s hands. Because as I am apt to say fairly often “I know nothing”.

Honestly though… I don’t think I’m special. I think we all have the potential. I think we all have our own unique capabilities. We are all so much more extraordinary than we can even imagine. So this is me just embracing that or trying at least. Lol

Healthy Boundaries

When you come from an abusive background (childhood) whether that be physical, emotional or sexual it’s hard to know what healthy boundaries are.

A police detective that handled abuse cases for over 20 years told me a story of a young lady who filed rape charges against a man and they could not prosecute the man because of her behavior.

It turns out she went on a date with this guy and they went back to one of their places. He persuaded her to lay in bed with him. Kept telling her nothing would happen; he just wanted to lay with her. Then he persuaded her to get naked, but again with the stipulation that nothing was going to happen sexually. Then once they were both naked he raped her.

It almost sounds unbelievable; but I get it completely. This girl had no idea where her boundaries were let alone what healthy ones look like or how to enforce those.

She came from abuse and was drawing it to herself because she had not repaired the damage to her psyche and just let the pattern keep repeating. At what point is it her fault vs his fault? I’m not the one to answer that question.

All I know is that no one is responsible for someone else’s actions. I try so much to help people navigate their digestive (health) issues; but I so often feel like even though I’ve led them to an oasis of water I can’t make them drink it. Conversely you can entice someone into a negative behavior but ultimately their behavior is their own responsibility. Seems cut and dry to me but it isn’t that simple. Nothing ever is.

One foot out the door / Robocalls

I realized today something monumental about myself. I commit wholeheartedly to very little in life and to almost no one. I suppose it has to do with my deep acknowledgement that all things are impermanent.

I most obviously commit to my children. But I was thinking back to past relationships and in all sincerity I can’t remember ever being fully invested at all levels…. you know what I’m talking about?

That “ride or die” thing people talk about. I’ve never had that. It vacillates for me. I’m so used to men and relationships being a revolving door that it never occurred to me before that I could be part of the issue. Lol. Duh!

It never occurred to me that I very easily reach a point where I’m like…… okay…. “next”. Whether I was emotionally committed or mentally committed I could easily reach a point where I found the situation unhealthy enough to leave; not that I didn’t try communicating. It’s not that I didn’t try to salvage it. It’s just that at some point I’m like “whatever”; even as my heart broke walking away. I guess that sense of self preservation is a good thing.

But what I’m saying is I’d like to just once experience an unconditional, not looking back, this is it, no matter what happens I am ALL IN thing. Is that healthily possible? This requires more thought.

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Fucking robocalls. Read an interesting excerpt that half the phone calls we will receive in the next few years will be automated garbage. Ugghhhh. I’m not at the half way point but I get them almost daily. Got one this morning. Soooo. I’m not a vengeful person but sometimes it makes me feel better to visualize what eternal damning vengeance can be had. Morbid. Mean spirited. Sure. Yea. But it helps me release my feelings of not having control over a situation.

Today I pictured all the people that use, control and create robocalls. I pictured them in hell being tortured mercilessly and suffering intensely and then the phone rings and they have been told that one day that call will save them from this eternal damnation but every call is a robocall. Every call is automated with no one to help them and yet they must answer… because it is their only hope. Is it bad this makes me laugh? It’s not like I can make this an actuality. It’s not like I would if I could….. but it’s like BDSM. It’s just fun for me. It adds levity to a situation I want to reach through the phone and choke someone over….and I can’t. Sooooo this will do. Lol