Stoned proselytizing – (trigger warning including pedophilia)

One of my most heinous conspiracy theories involves the Catholic Church. I hate to even say it because I know it will offend some people. (Long aside here.*)

So how I see the Catholic Church is, it’s either the worst occult and potentially satanic, worse than the supposed Illuminati type organizations or it and its offsprings have indoctrinated so many people (some by force even) that they themselves can’t move the hive mentality pendulum towards progression any faster than this, assuming they even want to. Which I’m not even sure about. People really seem to love the status quo; even if it’s oppressive, unjust and illogical.

But then I think of how the churches hid all that pedophilia and how priests got away with it, priests that walk free to this day and never served any time. And I think of how they shield themselves even now through the hypocrisy of not admitting homosexuality within their own ranks. And don’t get me started on their treatment of women, I’ve gone through this on many posts.

Honestly, I just don’t get religion. The idea of it yes. Theoretically great: community, service and support with devotion to a higher power.

Although I did contemplate starting my own religion yesterday. I’d call it The Church of Sex. This church would center around community for people wanting to connect to their souls and bodies. Enjoying the life we get to live on this tangible level while also enjoying the spiritual aspect of knowing our own soul and understanding ourselves and our purpose and our connection to the Divine.

It would go far beyond sex. Body awareness, masturbation, hands on couples sexual therapy, hug therapy, teaching children about body autonomy, teaching teenagers about cohersion vs consent vs actual desire and masturbation, safe sex, STD’s, and their own bodies functions and normal drives.

The church would also teach tantric sex. And if I could get away with it even a form of prostitution that would be free for church members. Make it like Scientology where there are levels and the higher you go the more perks you get, and demonstrating more devotion to your own spiritual growth as well as the church. It’s a really fun idea.

Oh…..I crack myself up sometimes. Guess everyone wants to rule the world. At least our own little worlds.


So I was thinking of how to possibly help pedophiles who haven’t entered the system but want and need help.

I think the way to help them would be to treat it like other addictions. You take them to a less potent drug and wean them off, while also providing continual support.

Add the way you wean people off porn. You let them enjoy it still but slowly incorporate a real person and real acts, until you can pull them away willingly, and this forms a new connection to sex or reinforces an existing one so it dominates the less desired sexual preference.

So that they develop an inclination for that instead. Of course using role playing as the substitute or something else more benign when you let them play out their fantasies. Not actually letting them indulge in real acts.

Then also have 12 step programs available. Except that ideally they should develop friendships outside of other pedophiles. IMO that would probably be best. Or like jail they may come out just making better and deeper connections than when they went in with people that may lead them back to it.

I don’t know, except we need something to keep them from doing and ideally even wanting to engage in pedophilia. By changing those predominant sexual desires to less dangerous ones and maybe even blocking it out completely. I think it’s possible because some can abstain now and I truly think spirituality can help all causes. I’d be happy to add that to the church. Because someone has to help these people.

I imagine a lot of these people would change their desires if they could. Of course not all. Some are pedophiles of opportunity. And some are just full on unencumbered by any moral or legal dilemma.

But I’d like to think that if we tried as a society to actually help and didn’t just say “don’t do it” and send them off to jail, if and when they ever get caught we would actually have some success at stemming the pain they can cause on society.

Because pedophilia is essentially like all other illegal activity. Police only catch the very tip of the iceberg. And if we could help even one child why wouldn’t we? If we can help one person not be a potential abuser, why wouldn’t we? And we know children of trauma can go on to create lives of trauma and even commit horrible acts themselves so why wouldn’t we want to help them cope and abstain?


I then wonder if I myself fall very easily into being the victim to trauma because I’m an empath or because that’s my subconscious (childhood induced) wheelhouse or that I’m simply very susceptible to manipulation; read: gullible, naive, believing and seeing the best in people.

And I wonder if I was a man or severely ego driven to gratify myself at someone else’s expense if my own trauma would have led me to be a perpetrator or a potential perpetrator.

Do all human beings have the capacity to be both angels and devil’s? I dare say we all do. It’s just a matter of degrees I guess and you just never know.

Don’t we all have the potential human capacity to be Jesus or Hitler? And yet to think we squander our lives away not even knowing who we truly are and what we are truly capable of? Not knowing who we want to truly be? Not embracing what makes us uniquely us and letting our own beautiful, multi-faceted flags fly.

I’m not trying to normalize anything here. I’ll gladly take pot shots at anyone, even myself. We can’t go around taking ourselves so seriously all the time. I say we all smoke some weed and chill out and figure this shit out. So we can make the world an actual viable place to live these short little existences.

In order to do that we must support our weakest links. I learned that in Catholic school in 2nd grade. Maybe we all need to go back to kindergarten again.


*And here is where I understand what it is to believe in religion and value it as a deep part of yourself but I firmly believe that it still needs to be questioned. In fact, that’s the most important aspect of spirituality; finding your own soul and nurturing it in the way it needs, in order to grow.

And one only does that through reflection, acceptance and letting go of the things that hold one back as a person on a spiritual quest. That’s what religion should be. To me I guess. Helping on that inner quest to answer our own questions and find real peace and happiness within ourselves based on looking at who we really are and the ripples we produce in this world then making it a better place for everyone, not just ourselves.


Written last night while super stoned. Lol. Good times. A bit all over the place.


I’ve accepted my mission

47 years. But I’m here. Finally on the right path. I’ve been wavering. I’ve been procrastinating. I’ve eschewed it so many times. I’ve doubted my own resolve so often. But I finally feel like I am ready to commit wholeheartedly to my path on this spiritual journey.

Akin to a teenager that after many years, many questions, much soul searching has finally landed on what career path they want. And now comes the time to choose how to get there.

I’m so happy that I’ve decided above all other passions, options, ideals, and possibilities I am ready to commit foremost to this one goal.

But now how do I get there? In the teenagers mind these questions would equal: what school do I go to? What internship would be ideal? How do I set myself up for success on this path? What do I need to do to achieve these dreams?

And yet…….at this point in the game I’m taking a completely different approach. Since my ambitions are only achievable within myself I am turning my search within. And I am going to let my own innate sense and life guide me to my continuing lessons.

I’ve come to the conclusion that 1) how you do one thing is how you do all things*. 2) I want to be firm in who I am in my own skin and portray this person proudly and authentically in all circumstances. 3) When you live a more conscious life, open to the signs life gives you more easily, you are apt to learn lessons the first few times, rather than having to be beat on the head by them.

It feels really good to have this new way to look at my life. To have this foundation to work on for myself. I feel very settled and calm with it. I know this is the right way for me. Even if it contradicts seeking the goals and ideals most people value in this life: money, possessions, looks, social acceptance, etc.

I am giving up trying to fit a mold I not only don’t want but feel perfectly happy turning my back on entirely.


As far an my carnal lusts, ones which have taken me down many paths, some of what society labels “deviant”, I will say this…….it is similar to the hunger one gets for food….it is about my own choices here. I am not going to turn my back on these needs.

Because just like I can choose healthy foods, foods I know my body thrives on and are ideal for me, I can also choose to indulge and eat foods that are unhealthy but fun and comforting and easy.

There is importance to my choices. Because the path I choose to keep pushing my wheelbarrow on will set the grooves in the road that will become my habits and become my own downfall or my salvation.

So I will tread more carefully and be more conscious of my own choices and I will try to make them all in a spiritually conscious lens.

This is the way❣️



*I’ve noticed even my own resistance to this form of thinking comes from a lack of acceptance of accountability for my own actions or my own assertion that we all make mistakes.

But most times it is these very mistakes we make in life that point out very clearly what we need to look at within ourselves.

We live in a society

where people aren’t happy unless someone takes the blame, even if it isn’t always logical sometimes, but rather emotional or symbolic even.

And with so many social reckonings many all being felled.

I suppose the games of war/greed as well as the steps of progression usually happen off of the backs of the marginalized and oppressed.

Except now it’s coming for rich, privileged and entitled people.

I am really having such a hard time with Critical Race Theory and of course even more trouble with its opposite.

Sorry. I know. No one likes to talk about this. Don’t mind me. I’m just having an existential crisis along with every other crisis in my life. Like I need that too right now? πŸ˜’πŸ˜ΆπŸ™„

It’s just hard to accept that this is reality and then on the same breath not have this underlying sense that you aren’t really wanted in your own country. In the place you were given birth. In the only place you really know. The only culture you understand except whatever choppy heritage you managed to learn from your family.

I’m absolutely not bitching about this or even racism existing. I’ve come to a place of peace with that decades ago.

I’m just becoming more aware of how subconscious bigotry in general is even for well meaning people. I really hope we can move away from an us vs them treatment of our fellow human beings. That is my biggest hope for humanity. And frankly…’s the only thing that I think will save us.

But you know what. And here is the thing. Americans really can pull themselves together and get past all these things when we need to. There will always be valiant heroes on all sides who are for real truth and honor.

We have some truly amazing people from all walks of life in this country. People willing to die for their belief in the spirit of our constitution and amendments. People willing to risk their lives for others to defend these.

We say we are the leaders of the planet. Let’s lead this country into the progressive place it needs to be and let’s build coalitions with other countries that benefit everyone and the planet.

We must become the party everyone wants to join again. This time not through manipulation. This time without thoughts of exploitation.

We need to become so progressive that we become the hub of innovation again, because innovative, genius, rich people will want to live here. People that bring revenue that we tax the heck out of to pay for our progressive ways. win/win.

It all makes perfect sense to me.

Then we lead the world to a basic sense of freedom for everyone on earth. Well……

I can most certainly dream about things like this.

I wish I had people here IRL to banter with about stuff like this. I’d love to belong to an artist’s salon of philosophers and dreamers, lovers and intellectuals, just like you all. πŸ˜‰

That would be so awesome.

God bless us all❣️


Woke up singing

“Fly me to the Moon” by Sinatra. Such a good song. I’m guessing it stemmed from my last post, but it’s obviously deeper than that.


I don’t like to think in absolutes. I don’t like to deprive myself of joy. There are justified reasons for some deprivation. Not eating too many sweats and fast food because I don’t want to send the scale ticking upwards is just good reasoning. Not to mention it isn’t good for you.

But in moderation it can add joy and comfort to ones life. And abstaining can be incredibly tedious; especially in social situations. Who doesn’t like birthday cake?

And I have the same feelings about sex, love and companionship. I could deprive myself but why? I think instead I’ll plod along trying to find someone compatible to spend time with. I have no time frame or preconceived notions of who that will be, what they will look like or what our sex will entail.

I’m open to the possibilities. When I know I’ll know. And I’m in no hurry. I have a lot going on. I also just got tested and cleared of all STD’s this week.

I made this meme about my current situation. As close as I’ll ever be to a virgin again. Lol

So who knows? I’m just going moment by moment, day by day. But I know what I want: great sex, fun company, real intimacy, true friendship. And at this point I’m not willing to settle for less.


Let’s go to the moon

Seriously. Let’s. Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is offering to fly 7 people from all walks of life, from all over the world, to the moon for free.

Well. Ok. So that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve got children to raise. How about buying new art, media based blockchain. The first album ever sold in blockchain, by Kings of Leon, will be released tomorrow here.


Think Bitcoin but instead of monetary currency virtually encrypted it’s encrypted art or media.

What can I say I love this kind of stuff. πŸ˜‰

Exactly who I want to be

So I went out with Craig again last night. And when I got home I evaluated the date, as I always do. And I realized that I wasn’t being my genuine self during some of it. Now I came up with several very valid justifications for this.

I strive to be genuine and myself in all circumstances. I try to not wear any masks or hide behind any pretenses. So that I am essentially the same person regardless of my captive audience.

So that I don’t have to say “I don’t like who I am when I’m with you.” or “My bad actions stem from your bad actions.” because that puts the blame on the other person and not on myself where it should be. I should be innately myself regardless of external factors. And if I am being that person then at no point would I stop enjoying who I am, since generally speaking I like myself.

So the conclusion I ultimately drew was that I have to be more myself in general. I have to cement who that is for myself. This takes a lot of inner balance. This takes a lot of self evaluation. It takes a lot of comfort in my own skin skills. So I have work to do here, very clearly.

So a dating hiatus is on the menu. I mean I think I did clarify this for myself a few days ago but I got confirmation that this is the right step for me with that dinner. Boy was it a fabulous meal though. Ho hum.

But it also made me question something. Am I looking for my own soul or am I looking for my soul mate? And by finding myself will I then also find what I’ve been thinking I wanted and needed all along? Will it bring me that person?

I don’t know but like most things I think the answer lies within. So let’s get started.


It’s been a trying day

I’ve cried so much today. My eyes are puffy little slits dripping water intermittently like a leaky faucet.

I’m not used to my emotions overwhelming me like this. Its unsettling. But I guess that’s part of life too and it’s definitely been part of my life since New Year’s Eve.

I knew grief was difficult. And I’m struggling with a lot more on my plate than just the grief. So it’s completely understandable that I’m having a difficult time and that my emotions are a bit out of whack.

I’m trying to allow myself grace. I’m not going to try to fix anything or force myself to “get over” anything. I’m just going to ride it out. Keep moving forward even if it feels like I’m moving through molasses and have no clear idea of how or when things will get better, easier or more manageable for me emotionally.

It will be whatever it is.


Almost Retired

My mom had it rough. Fortunately she was smart and motivated and she did ok for herself. But she longed to retire while she was young enough to still travel. She absolutely loved going on cruises. And fortunately she took many and travelled extensively having seen so many wonderful places, that I can only dream of.

But she never got to retire. Her avatar on wordchums was called almost retired and she talked about it often.

But she couldn’t. It wasn’t feasible.

And I was thinking what sad fate that was. How she worked so hard for over 45 years, having to take care of herself and me and put herself through college, without any help at all. And she never got to stop working.


Just doesn’t make sense to me. But maybe I’m just easily confused.


Virtual reality for social causes

What if we used virtual reality to help assuage bullying, sexism/sexual harassment, ablism and racism at the middle school level.

Bring in equipment and create the programs that immerse students in a day in the life as these people. Show them how life can be from other people’s perspectives in a real hands on sense.

We need to start thinking outside the box and teach students skills that they actually need in life and will help society at large, like empathy. And I think that is the age to have a real impact.

I mean why not? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ