The power of your subconscious mind

I’ve realized that a lot of times life gives me what I need and even more interestingly, what I subconsciously want. This is great when your subconscious aligns with something healthy; or when things align themselves to produce positive effects.

The thing is that we aren’t in control of our subconscious desires. We aren’t in control of our subconscious thought processes. For those to be positive and healthy requires deprogramming all the negative things we believe about ourselves and the world. Not impossible, but for most of us… especially those who have suffered deep trauma, it is very difficult.

Yet I keep noticing the pattern of it and can’t help but see that the more I work on my inner workings the more in sync my outer life becomes. I have a lot of inner work to do. I also need to believe more in kismet and project positivity and ease. That which I project I hopefully will attract. But it has to be sincere and doubt plagues us all to some degree.

I didn’t get the clit ring this weekend. I’m so sore already from all the sex. Poor Brad will need a few days to recover I think. Just as well.

My life still confuses me; the decisions I make based on the choices presented. On some level they all make sense of course but still puzzle me profoundly sometimes. So I’m resolved to just take it moment by moment. I’m happy with that.


Thrupple me this

Brad and I have been having one of the best weekends ever. We’ve never laughed so much. The sex has been fun. An attempt to make love ended with us having intimate pillow talk, but it’s a good start. We went at each other pretty hard. This was about half way through. See my hair wrapped around his dick? Lol

He asked me to move in. We also talked about having a thrupple. Fmm of course. He also asked if he could go to the CFNM (clothed female, naked male) event at Catalyst this weekend. He knows I will never step foot in that club again so he didn’t ask if I wanted to go.

The Domme in me was like “abso-fucking-lutely not” and another part of me was like “I went alone. I had fun. He wants to go, why not let him?”. But the thought of him running around naked with these women playing with him and directing him around just enrages me. It’s the possessiveness in me. Thankfully, he opted not to go seeing how difficult it was for me.

I guess this proves that I can’t be just friends with benefits with him. Maybe this was his point. But the clarification was good for both of us and now it seems we are not only right back where we were before but I think we are even deeper in the mix.

I don’t know where this is going. But right now this just feels so good: cozy, loving and nurturing. We are getting along better than we have in a very long time. But I have to keep pressing forward with my business, my job, saving my house, etc. But knowing he is making space for me in his life; knowing he is doing all he can to make me feel secure, cared for and provide me stability means the world to me.

We talked a lot about the future. We made no definitive plans but it was all very, very sweet.

And I am absolutely thrilled about a possible thrupple. That’s so exciting to me. It truly is. 🤤🤤🤤⛓️🍆🍑🍆⛓️🤤🤤🤤 We shall see. Shan’t we?


Making breakfast

I don’t tend to cook when I stay with Brad. We tend to eat out every meal. But I really love cooking and it feels good to be domestic. What I mean by that is to just hunker down in the comfort of home and take care of myself and those I love. Cooking makes me feel nurturing and motherly and it’s a feeling I really enjoy.

Last night we went to dinner and had a not great experience. The food was not great. The service was nothing to rave about. And the price tag was hefty, all things considered. And now I can be here in my pajamas, listening to music, dancing around the kitchen with no cares besides not burning the food. Lol

Brad wants to buy the kids gifts today. Which is a blessing because I didn’t know if I was going to be able to afford many more than the small stocking stuffers I’ve squirreled away so far. It’s fine. What do they really actually need but it’s so fun to see their joy on Christmas morning opening presents. Even the ones they don’t particularly care for: like socks.

He seems to get as much, if not more enjoyment buying them presents than I do. Not sure how that’s even possible but🤷🏽‍♀️. He is just such a little kid himself.

Making steak frites with roasted brussel sprouts for dinner tonight. And we have all afternoon to just run around town. I need a sweater and a few long skirts for work. Business casual is so boring but who am I to argue with it. I really like my job. Which makes having to have it tolerable and I think they’ve warmed up to me, somewhat. It’s still a job, but that’s what society dictates as a necessary mandate for living. At least for most people. Oh well. All in all I’m happy with it.

But right this moment I’m just thrilled to not have any pressing worries to manage. I’m savoring every moment of this.


Weekend Plans

This is going to be a very different weekend. My ex will be spending the weekend at my house. The teenager will be staying at his apartment and I will be staying with Brad. I don’t like my ex in my personal space, so after this weekend that is going to end. At this point I don’t care if he has to carry the dizzy girl out to the car to take her. So be it.

I haven’t spent this much time with Brad in a long time. I asked him to fill and heat the jacuzzi. I’m hoping we can have some good cozy snuggle time with lots of sex. Hopefully he doesn’t leave me in pain like last time. I am still planning on getting the clit ring too. I want to check out the salon first though and make sure the equipment is adequately sterilized and the place is clean and professional. I don’t need Hep C to add to my health resume.

Part of me says I should just stay home. I have so many projects to do. I even cancelled on a new client but I can absolutely not stay here with my ex and I really could use a break.

I’m hoping to get some good XXX pictures too. If I remember. Brad has been asking for me to torture his cock, but not his balls as they have been very sensitive lately. The thing is that I really can’t help myself, once I get going I just want more and more. He gets to his safe words way to easily too.

But we do have all weekend to play. Hoping his daughter is away. She has a new boyfriend so she’s been gone a lot recently. I like her but it’s more comfortable having rowdy BDSM sessions without her home. She’s an adult. She has sex. But still.

Maybe I’ll convince him to defer the pump for now too. He doesn’t need to be so big and fat for me.

And it will be so nice being fed. I’ve been so busy this week I haven’t had time to eat any real meals and I’ve lost a few pounds. I’m not complaining but it will be nice to have a calm pace. That’s what I love about being with him. Everything is so leisurely. We just putz around doing whatever we please. We have fun when we get along. So I’m hoping we get along. Maybe I should have a plan B in case we don’t….. but I like to live on the edge. 😉🤣😝


Miser, legalities and Brad

After my mom left I got on this kick of not spending money. And as I crunch down on my expenses I am scrutinizing every little thing more and more. Also helps that I am attending a budgeting class. I am not being too draconian, but I am being much more mindful.

I also got my first paycheck from my part-time job and well, and after taxes and such it isn’t much. But hopefully it’s enough to satisfy the loan modification lawyers.

I called the IRS and they’ve put a hold on the levy for 30 days, so they can process my offer in compromise. I called the Oregon health plan and they explained the additional paperwork they need and once they get that my insurance should be reinstated.

I also have my therapist appt today. Im so glad. Two nights ago I was really struggling and sad and although I feel better today I still want to process through it all.

Things are chugging along but……the situation with the tweenager seems to be getting worse. She and I are not really getting along all that well. Her father, who humors her much more than I do, seems to help her feel better. So she wants him around as much as possible. So he’s spending nights, always here it seems. Good for her, I guess, bad for me.

It’s gotten to where I avoid my own house now. This is unsustainable. At my wit’s end I asked if she wanted to go live with him. It isn’t what I really want but this as it stands can’t keep going either. I have no safe space at home anymore, between her needs and demands and him being here, even in my bedroom. Like “come on!”. I won’t go as far as to say it’s a plot, but it sure is uncomfortable for me.

Then Brad and I have these dumb and exhausting interactions. For example, last night he says to me again (it’s like the 4th time) that when I am passionate and kissing him hard my teeth scrape his lips and he thinks I’m going to cut him. He likes the passion but is afraid of being injured. Mind you, it’s never happened, but sure ok. I tell him that when he says that it sucks the wind out of me. What am I supposed to do exactly? Be more mindfully passionate?

Sex to me is a release, a complete letting go and just falling into the emotion of it. He wants me to mind my teeth. It’s off-putting to me but I get his point of view too I suppose. It’s probably off putting to him. He is just so fearful of so many things. We passed by a beautiful wall of rocks leading to my house and he says “what do you think when you see that?”.

I say “it’s beautiful”. He says “it scares me”. And that is a synopsis of this whole thing I guess.

So then I tell him you have a right to your comment and I have a right to feel however I feel about it. So he says “I’ll never comment again”. Which we all know is not only untrue and unnecessary to say but extremely childish.

He is such a manboy. He is so stubborn too. I love him and want him in my life but… he just isn’t my happily ever after. At least not the way things stand. We shall see. In my mind in moving him to the life long friend and current lover category and that suits me fine.

I mean really, we can’t even have a simple conversation without one of us getting butt hurt. But we can’t seem to let each other go either. We are both very vulnerable right now in life and we anchor each other, even as we drive each other crazy. It’s somewhat like marriage I suppose without any of the benefits of that. 🙄🙄🙄

Well…. off to work I go. Two of my own clients today too and my therapy appt. And somewhere in there I have to be a mom. 🤪🤪🤪

What do I want?

Why is that a difficult question? If anyone should know, shouldn’t it be me? I need a list. Not a to do list. God knows I have enough of those. I need a what I want list. A what would make me happy list.

The issue is that my desires are disjointed and fluctuate quite a bit. Some even negate each other. But I think for my own reference I should have some idea of what I truly, deeply desire in life; realistic or not. So let’s see.

Immediate desires

  • To feel centered within; always
  • Join a gym
  • Develop healthier routines
  • Get my daughter’s health issues under control and her back in school

1 year

  • Save my house
  • Build my business
  • Be in a healthy, happy relationship
  • Get the teenager set up for her next chapter

5 year

  • Get married again
  • Have freedom to travel
  • Be financially solvent
  • Publish a few books
  • Have my own garden (medicinal and cooking)
  • Complete a half marathon

20 years

  • Retire
  • See the world
  • Live debt free and minimalist
  • Watch grandbabies grow up

Do these all sound a bit boring and simplistic to you too? Okay. Now let’s get wild and crazy!!!

Immediate desire

  • Actualize my energy healing potential exponentially
  • Train a sub to be my perfect pet
  • Get started on my sexual bucket list*

1 year

  • Become a tantric sex expert
  • Be part a close group of extraordinary friends

5 year

  • Create my own religion
  • Open the ultimate BDSM adult playground
  • Start a health clinic based around water therapies and holistic healing
  • Open a school
  • Own a restaurant

20 years

  • Save the world


*Sexual bucket list

  • Squirt
  • Fmm threesome with all orifices filled and all parties in full participation
  • Double Penetration
  • Keep a sub in chastity with key
  • Train a female sub
  • Enjoy having a slave
  • Orgy
  • Have sex on E.
  • Do all the positions in the Kama Sutra
  • Have sex on every continent
  • Join the mile high club
  • Have sex on a train
  • Make love with people watching
  • Make a man cry from pain

Who knows if I will do any of these, honestly. It’s fun to imagine it all though. 💋💋💋

Sexuality vs spirituality

These things are not mutually exclusive to me. While a lot of religions separate the two I find great power in combining them. Which is why I want to find someone I can have tantric sex with. Which is why I am so desperate to make love again.

I was talking to Paul about how I get very depleted sometimes doing energy work and have had some rather debilitating experiences, which have put me off practicing it as much as I would like to.

He asked me “ok, what gives you the most energy?”. Which was a question I wasn’t expecting. It didn’t take me long to blurt out “sex”. He chuckled “what else?”. “Exercise” I said. “What else?” he pressed on. “Dancing and/or going to the sex club” I said.

He seemed satisfied with that or maybe it was too close to the first answer, but he then said. “Ok, do those things as often as you can and make sure you always have a surplus of energy”. Makes sense.

I guess it’s a good thing I am so sensitive to energy. It makes me aware of things on a level most people don’t seem conscious of. So I know (within myself) that even when it manifests as pain, tiredness, weakness or what have you that it is actually a spiritual energy depletion, manifesting in physical form. Because I understand myself pretty well. Because I see how the energy works and feels within my own body.

Would that I could have sex every day? Absolutely!!! Would that I could have sex multiple times a day would I? Dumb question. Lol.

But my life is not set up for that. And it’s not about my persona or image. I really don’t care what people think of me. It’s about time and life’s insipid responsibilities. All the things I have to do, which I do, mostly without complaint, but would rather not have to do. Things that take precedence over things I would prefer to be doing.

I almost considered being a sex therapist. As in having sex with people for actual legitimate health reasons, legally. I couldn’t figure out the training and licensing on that, and how to get referrals. Since it needs to actually be scripted out to be legal, I believe. But that seems like something I would really enjoy. Not that all sex therapy even involves sex. Some people just need to learn to be comfortable naked. Some people need to learn how to enjoy their own bodies. Some people just need to understand what sexual intimacy feels like.* If anything though, I think women need sex therapy much more than men probably do.

Personally, I can not separate my sexuality from my spirituality, nor do I want to. I am a sexual being and I am a spiritual being. I derive power from both and they are a truly out of this world combined. Not that they aren’t pretty spectacular on their own too.



*Seeing how difficult it’s been to try and teach Brad to make love has me second guessing this though. But he isn’t paying me to teach him. He also seems to have almost zero incentive with it, even though I’ve badgered him about it multiple times. Irritates me endlessly!😡