Done with Tumblr

Or so I now say….

I am just so pissed at them. First off since they cowed down to Apple to be an authorized app they had to change all their tags. Like they just blocked or censored a shitload of them for no logical reason beyond Apple demanding unwavering compliance and apps having zero fucking recourse.

So now what was essentially also used as a safety measure. So people could select tags they DID NOT want in their feed. So if you’re (for example) an epileptic. Previously you could take out posts for #strobe lights.

Something that can seriously affect an epileptic person. But no… fuck you, fuck off, we don’t actually care about people outside of their fucking bank accounts all powerful OZ… I mean Apple destroys another good thing. Hallelujah. The wheels of idiocy continue unphased by people’s needs or demands.

Because to be clear absolutely no fucking person that can affect any real change gives absolutely any fucking fucks for anyone but themselves. Pretty great system for those in charge if you ask me. No one ever asks though.

And to make matters even fucking worse. I’ve noticed a lot of propaganda and censorship and blatant fucking manipulation. Just today TWO different posts of mine got messed with.

I will try to explain as clearly as I can. Similar to most platforms you can repost posts and you can also add your own blurbs to them when you do. So I often comment on people’s posts. Mostly idiotically. Sometimes just to cause some harmless mischief, no harm intended.

Me just trying endlessly to be funny. Which to be clear I truly am not even sure I ever even am. At least not to anyone except myself. Which is fine.

But so I reposted these earlier today and then both parties went in and changed their original posts. For fucking starters you aren’t even supposed to be able to do that. Legitimately even I can’t change my very own posts after I’ve reposted them. I like that feature. Like a safety measure that cemented the post in place. No changes allowed.

But if anyone can change anything then what is the fucking point? Like these people both changed so much I came off as a huge fucking lunatic. And most of you know I need no help there. Especially NOT purposefully. Like that’s just pure evil.

But whatever….one less idiotic pastime. I’ll have to revert back to this platform. Which is not quite nearly as much fun as Tumblr but I don’t stand the risk of having my own words horribly turned against me by no fault of my own. Well… it hasn’t happened but who’s to say it can’t also… unfortunately.



Maybe no one else understands the ramifications of not having an authentically safe space in the world. But well….

if that’s the worst thing I guess, so what. Boo hoo, my virtual haven in the metaverse collapsed. And truthfully whether it’s the universe, Tumblr themselves or something or other different really…I don’t even care.

But someone definitely had it set in their mind that I not use that site very much at all. Definitely not nearly as much as I wanted to and tried. I was really fighting that riptide. Only maybe 1 out of every 5 posts I wrote uploaded. The rest disappeared never to be seen by anyone ever. Then too at least half the time I could not even get on my feed or work the app at all.

Like it was getting pretty laborious and frustrating anyway truthfully. So that’s that.

I’m not eating away my time on bot heavy, censored, propaganda filled, heavily manipulated, spoon fed idiocies. Or so I say now…

Let’s see what the success rate of this mission ends up being. Maybe baby steps are in order. But I’m so damn mad I’m fuming right now. So I definitely need some time to calm the fuck down. I just feel so betrayed and violated. Stupidly so I think. But….it’s valid to me.



I mean if I start this list we won’t end it until dinnertime. I mean






even I get sick of talking about this shit and these heartless, ass-sucking, demigods of pure fucking destruction and greed and selfish dick swinging….

they deserve this and so much worse.

But also…

I’m not the fucking grim reaper or Uma Thurman from Kill Bill. Know what I mean?




Off Tumblr.

If anyone cares.

Nothing else to see here people.


And just for stupid clarification. No other app did or does this to me or has ever been as hard as Tumblr was being with me lately. Like the issue was getting worse and worse. I was getting censored more and more. Honestly…I’d rather blame the universe for it. Much less fucking scary to me than humans being such fucking soulless bastards to each other. But we all know what’s more probable of those two. Like the universe cares about my dumb Tumblr feed. Right? But like also…so fucking what really?

Just another idiotic thing that irritates me currently.

My love life and people’s judgement of that

Here are a few of my own truisms.

If one has sincerely tried to both demonstrate and tell someone one loves them but they do not feel loved then there is a huge disconnect happening.

And that’s not to say it can’t be fixed but this will take effort on both parties, and not in an assignment of fault way. Because this is a two people (or more) system and no burden should be bared alone. That’s the whole fucking point. Isn’t it?

Someone to share the ups and downs of your lives together and individually, as a united force of mutual love, respect, care, consideration, trust, honesty and great to acceptable sex. Right?

And even if one person may primarily share the blame of relationship issues they need support to become more than they are, or who they are being asked to be, outside of who they already are….

who they don’t mind, are willing to genuinely try or absolutely can’t wait to rise up to be, for their partner. For the happiness and cohesion and survival of the relationship.

This is all very fucking plausible. I’m saying. But… also… how hard do you want to work? With age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes extra layers of both laziness and “how can I get what I want and need in a way that doesn’t feel like an endless, agonizing labor here?”.

I mean some people love that I guess. They enjoy being the martyr and the one that gives endlessly. And like awesome, great, kudos to you. But that shit right there just ain’t me.

Maybe it was. Maybe I been there, done that, don’t feel like doing it again, and probably never will but you never know and so I should not even try to guess.

who the fuck knows?

My point is this…
exactly this….

It should matter to no one but me and my partner.

And let me be as circuitous as possible here please to say this.

Let’s say I know with absolute certainty that what I want I will find eventually…. although maybe not in this life.

Maybe not as this mass of energy circumventing this solar system but whatever….let’s say I know how to make every fucking wish come true….just that at present not the exactness of these results exactly. Because I am NOT exactly wanting to participate in the rigamarole of all of it anymore here, even though I now understand the game. I think.

But anyway…. let’s say that my biggest wish has been for true love or a soul mate, in the edification of that I know, want and expect that to be. Doesn’t need to make any sense to anyone but me and the law and my partner(s). Know what I mean?

Like why does anyone even care?

But let me go even further.

Let’s say that I know I could easily settle for the troll under the bridge. Maybe he is brusk and a hazard to himself and everyone else. But he will protect me with his life and always provide me with fresh bug tacos and sparkling fresh spring water.

Or my prince will come and shuffle me away to the castle of my dreams to eat pretentious food and have so many servants I can’t keep them all straight sometimes. Eek.

Or I can have every single possibility in between and any of all the varieties and flavors and mixes or whatever I want really. Right?

It’s all possible. All of it. Every dream a walking, talking, springing to life reality.

Like where would that end? Would one ever be satisfied if one could truly have whatever one desired always? Would one ever not use the cheats. If some where accessible and could be learned? I mean.

I don’t know…
But my entire point is…
why does anyone care?

Literally only my love life here.

No one else’s.


Not out here purposely intruding in people’s living rooms or anything with all this bad soap opera, hot mess of mine. Know what I mean?

This is my thing.

Just mine really.

So…. I say….nose your way out of it and take your judgement with you.


If you would and could… but see, some people just don’t seem even capable of being civil, compassionate, caring, open minded, decent human beings.

I know because sometimes I fool people too. But sometimes given the chance the world is even more magical than you ever dreamed.

It’s just that, me personally, I am absolutely done orchestrating it all and working myself to the bone for any of it anymore and I don’t want any fucking cheats.
Thanks but no thanks. Especially not at anyone else’s cost… not even my own later or something….

Really just no matter who, what, when, where…. know what I mean? Not worth it to me.

I just want no more costs to all this here please. I already paid my fare upfront. So now I just want to stay until the end….thank you kindly.

But sure…..
call me crazy.

It’s been said before.

But my point please stands that if you can’t take whimsy or joyous mayhem, true pleasure, curiosity and compassion into account when you read my stupidities… then please see your way off the premises of my social media account.

Much abliged.

Disgruntled Human

I am so damn fucking mad at the universe. It doesn’t care though… not one bit.  So it’s more of a single sided stale mate. 

Or it’s like the adult that has their hand on the kids forehead, holding the kid in place at arms distance while the kid rampages trying to get in some good punches and kicks, but gets not a single one in.

That’s me. The universe has me by the balls and gives zero fucks about it.  The universe is all “you know the game.  You know the rules.  You know the possibilities. What you do with it is up to you.”

And I’m all “die you sadistic fuck.” And the universe just kicks me aside and I guess I’m lucky it’s amused enough or too busy to not shatter me like a giant Amazonian fucking cockroach.  Honestly I wouldn’t blame it. Even if it was just to prove a point.

Guess the point is it cares not.  Good enough. Somehow floating under the radar.  This reminds me of a story Jan told me about heaven. She was talking about the hypocrisy of religions. 

Something about getting to the pearly gates and there is a large area separated by walls and the host says “shhh, don’t be too loud through here, the Catholics are in there and they think they’re the only people here”.

Insert bougie religion of your choice I guess.  But she was all “you would go and purposely knock those doors down” and I laughed because she is NOT wrong.  I would. Just for fucking spite.  But… I think that would negate my acceptance.

It’s alright.  I’m pretty sure I don’t even want to go to heaven anymore.  Sooo…. take that for exactly the idiocy it sounds like.  Fucking damn universe.

I’m super frustrated and super horny….there could be a trifecta to make this even worse so I ain’t gonna complain too much here.  But Tyler is not fucking me. Dumbass says he wants me all to himself.  Surprise, surprise.  If I had a nickel.  No. That actually wouldn’t be that much money. Truthfully.  🤷🏽‍♀️

So he refuses to have sex for the sake of sex.  This is what I get for gravitating towards somewhat intelligent but always emotional men.  I like them this way, even with its deficits.  What man turns down epic sex?  Idiots. That’s who.  SMH

And he is so very sadly mistaken if he thinks sex incentivizes me to stick around. It will make me stay for sex. Duh. But that’s it. I can differentiate. I truly feel bad for girls that can’t. And men that can’t. I’ve met soooooo many of those. Believe it or not. Case that is in my basement in point currently. Men!!!

But it’s my “day off”, not sure what that even means anymore. Day off of mommyness mostly. Which is heavenly and absolutely necessary for my own sanity and well being. Trust me❣️

Makes me a better mom. I say. Not sure they’d agree entirely. Kids. 🙄

They’re savages. Who does this? Not one drop. Not one drop left. Why is it still in the fridge? WHY??? I left it there. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Saw this…

And immediately the Carly Simon song “You belong to me.” came screeching into my head in surround sound. I’m a dumbass. Do I actually ever even want to meet him? I’d be a bit scared to honestly.

Never meet your idols thing. 🤷🏽‍♀️. Would I chance it?

YES, yes I would. Why? Anyone got him on speed dial? Let’s wait until he’s rebounding…. shall we? I’m great therapy for that. Not that I render my services that way, but for Keanu… well…. exceptions can be made.

Don’t be jelly (jealous…. and yes I know kids roll their eyes, grit their teeth and hate that me… a stodgy grown ass adult says it. Is it even fashionable anymore? Think this one faded already. But it’s so cute I’m keeping it. Shut up.)

Jelly, jelly, jelly.

There! Had to be said. No one…. ain’t talking about no specific person. Just needed to be said. Should I say it again? No? Waste of time? You got it. Move on? Alright… Jeesh. Just having a little fun here. Let me think.

Ok… he isn’t entirely an idiot. And absolutely none of this is anything I haven’t told him myself to his face….. including the idiot part. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But my cute mutual keeps pointing out I am 5’4″. Which I thought hysterically precise that he should even care. Says I’m short.

Says my height explains it all. I laughed. Did not understand any of it. Until I chanced upon some interesting conversations on Tumblr about how 5’4″ women are statistically more probable to become transgender.*

Honestly, that one rattled me for a few days. I had to sit with it and digest the ramifications of that, probably incorrect but maybe not so, assumption. I have said repeatedly that had transgender been a thing when I was a teen I would have almost certainly wanted to transition. Not that this would have been possible financially. So why ponder?

But the point remains that this is true to me all the same. And also…who cares? I am perfectly happy with who I am. Do I enjoy being a woman? Who does it matter to? What does anyone care if I am completely at peace with my life?

Know what I mean? Isn’t something I am concerned with at all. If anything it’s just a funny personal anecdote to the whole gender stupidity.

And now….


laughter is ALWAYS welcome.

In my life.


No… I know….

I don’t laugh much.


I mean…

most of you just aren’t that funny. Sorry. You made me say it. 🤷🏽‍♀️. I’m just speaking my truth here. No reason to get insulted. Go take a comedy class or something dude if it bothers you that much….SMH.

People take things so damn personally. I guess they should since whatever is going on in their lives is expressly meant for them.

Get insulted dude. Sorry. Get very insulted. Go off! But, not on me please. Redirect to the universe. I don’t know… that way I guess. (Waving arms all around in no particular direction.)

Bored Panda is my newest obsession❣️

Must be done.  Good job boys❣️
Yeah… experienced this for myself driving around Utah.  Is it the heat?
What part of secret do they not get?  SMH
I need one of these.  Must include fat joint.
The halo effect❣️
Whatever they pay her, isn’t enough.

Have a blessed absurd day full of unhinged laughter…. or not.  No one is forcing you to. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Ole 💃

Oh yeah and the universe is censoring me again…or Tumblr has the absolute worst servers to ever grace Gods earth.  But I can not access it…

and I’m outraged….



*but to be fair to stupid statistical data that is usually fabricated and manipulated anyway…. literally made up out of thin air some of it.  Like even supposed legitimate medical stuff.  Makes me laugh and then want to cry honestly.

Anyway this isn’t completely illogical… as in the US 5’4″ is the average height.  Average in this instance also probably meaning the most common. So this makes the statistic almost logical that they would be the ones to transition the most if it aligns along no other metric.  Which to be clear I’m sure there is at least one other metric that merits much more credit.  But no one asked me.  Lol

No One Can Handle This Pussy

Trust me.  Many have tried valiantly and failed abysmally.  Through absolutely no fault of their own… mostly…. probably….or….. at least no one is keeping track… that I know of. 

I’m so hungry and nothing but junk food sounds good.  Junk food makes me feel like shit.  Bloated and my salt levels feel disregulated.  The food always feels like a pit going through my intestines. 

But boy does that shitty food taste good.  Childhood memories.  Comfort food.  MSG, transfat and mass amounts of sodium, salt, food additives and food coloring.  Mmmmm. Toxic chemicals.  Doesn’t that sound yummy?

Now try and stop me from going to get some. I dare you!  Lol. I am in such a bitch induced frenzy right now.  The world is not safe.  I think I need to be sent to the farthest tropical island with a temperate climate and all the amenities a girl could ask for including hunky cabana boys.




Daydreaming again.


The pussy isn’t the problem.   The pussy is great.  Everyone loves the pussy.  Everyone that’s had a taste, and plenty have gotten in line want to chime in. Seems even if the event is sold out already. Loyal fans.  I tell ya.  No complaints there at all.  💐💋

But the mouth attached to the pussy is out of control.  Now more than ever.  Because if I’m honest with myself she’s pretty much always been this way.  I just kept her closed a lot more.  So much more.  People used to complain about it.  Actually got me into so much trouble sometimes.  Go figure that one. And sometimes just because I wasn’t tattling on people. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But that’s no longer a problem.  Now we have other problems.  Such is life.  Can’t run away from your life or your problems. I mean…. one can try.  But honestly that’s just a lot of work.  And I’m exhausted. 

Is it the pandemic?  Is it my life?  What is that chicken smell?  Ugghh. What… no…. it definitely isn’t me.   Not that I can remember how many showers I’ve had this week.  I think it’s been higher than the norm. Baths are just so yummy. 

Functioning at bare minimum level currently.  Thanking the world for its patience.  While I do a defrag on my drive.  “Maintenance in progress. Do not disturb.”  That’s the sign I should wear on my forehead.

But truthfully….

Don’t tell anyone….


Come closer…. (looking around nervously)

but I’m feeling kinda really happy right now.  I can chill for a bit more while I get my going gotten to this summer.  Hope we all get there. 


Love Story Prompt #2

Told from the perspective of the borderline personality, autism range, severe CPTSD female psychic detective. (RIP Doug)

They took the hood off her face and left her there on the cold concrete floor. By her calculations they had been traveling by car and train and somehow were now in an echo filled chamber of concrete walls.

She knew she was indoors because the freezing chill that had whipped at her earlier, which she estimated somewhere around -2 degrees Celsius, had subsided and the ambient air she was in now felt artificially moderate.

She waited until the footsteps faded away and the door slammed before she moved quickly. She reached her tied hands down to her feet to get to the hidden razor blade in her doc martin’s. She knew this would come in handy.

It’s why she never told anyone they were there. She didn’t need anyone laughing at her antics. They were well thought out even as others never saw the benefits of her forethought.

Once she got through that she took off the scarf that acted as a blindfold under the hood. They went to great lengths for her to have no idea where she was and they had succeeded. She didn’t know the time zone or even general area and 3 days could put her literally anywhere in the world.

They hadn’t been too kind to her either. They had switched handlers on her about every 6 or so hours like clockwork. It’s how she had estimated the days. But it never seemed like the same person and even if they had been they never engaged with her. They never responded to her demands. They never conversed or said anything around her.

Whoever they were….they were professionals. They had left her dehydrated most of the trip due to the fact that they didn’t give her restroom breaks. She stank pretty bad but she was too exhausted and hungry to care. She took a quick look around the room. Plain, grey concrete walls, that had a purposefully shitty hue to them so that they just screamed suicidal depression.

A two way mirror on one wall was the only piece of anything in the room. The large drain in the middle of the room made her gulp. She closed her eyes hoping maybe they’d feed her soon. She was too tired to even try the door. They were not stupid enough for that, she was quite sure.

Then the noise…. the screeching noise startled her. It was so loud her ears rattled in protest. Her eyes shot open as she swiveled her head in the direction of the noise. One of the far walls was sliding its way slowly into the ceiling. A far too excruciatingly long time later it was completely hidden as if it had never even existed.

She was impressed. Up until now she had thought her kidnappers outfit to be low key and simplistic. This spoke of bigger money and larger issues. But that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

Her eyes had to acclimate to the other darker room that was now completely exposed. There was furniture and a figure loomed in the back corner scribbling with chalk on the wall. Every square inch of every wall had notations and numbers on it. The person had no idea she was there. This puzzled her immensely.

She walked slowly over to him and tapped him on the shoulder softly. He turned, still lost in whatever thought she had just interrupted. He did not seem at all surprised to see her.

She waited. She said nothing. He waited. He said nothing. They stared at each other in silence for about 2 minutes. He was still completely lost in his thoughts but his eyes never left hers.

She was trying to figure him out. As best she could assess he was some high level scientist that was probably working on some top secret material.

She diverted her attention back to the table, stretched her hand out and picked up a shiny green apple from the full bowl. She took a huge bite and almost choked. He just kept staring at her. She knew that he needed more time to completely see her, let alone respond to her.

She pulled out a chair, faced it so she could sit straddling it and kept staring at him while she ate her apple slowly. Two bites from the end he finally came to life.

“Did you come from that other room?” He asked. Now turning his attention to the missing wall.

“yep.” she said wiping her mouth with her sleeve. “What ya working on?” she asked as nonchalantly as she could muster given how thirsty she was. Her voice cracked just ever so slightly.

He went to the far counter and poured her out a glass from the artisanal spring water with fresh cucumbers pitcher. She guzzled it quickly. Quicker than she had intended.

“Are you ok?” he asked. She could tell he was still a bit lost back in his thoughts and she wasn’t going to get much more of his time.

“yea, hey I’m fine. So how do you get anyone’s attention around here and who is the anyone in charge?” she said as she walked over to his door. Locked. Also a two way mirror in this room.

“I’ve been working on this project an awfully long time and it has been under the jurisdiction of several government agencies but currently I believe the Department of Homeland Security is out there.” he said as if he had these conversations every day. She stifled a giggle.

“Cool, cool, so how can I talk to these people?” she asked as she stared up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact. She knew that would make him much more comfortable. He kept staring at her. She was very distracting, but in a way that didn’t disturb him all that much. That intrigued him.

He was pretty darn cute she thought. Just her type too. Too smart and ambitious enough to save the world. Naive and hopeful to his very fault.

She wondered why they wanted her help with him and why they went to these measures. He was valuable to them and they needed to unlock something out of his mind. This is about all she could tell without some rest and a few footnotes.

Where they thinking sex appeal? Did they need someone to translate him? Did they need a motivator? They also obviously understood her own psychosis quite well.

She was a sucker for the hero, let alone the anti-hero, also the reluctant hero, and then the can’t buckle his own shoes hero. She needed to get better hobbies.

She could tell he liked her. And if he liked her like this: far away from her A game, and looking like something a hunter caught in a two week trek by foot, then he was up for a shock.

This might be fun. But also… she hoped they knew what they were asking for when they involved her. She didn’t care about falling in love with this oaf. She had fallen in love with worse.

She knew that with no doubt at all. But if they had the notion that she would help the government with a project that could potentially be used for evil, against humanity they had something else coming to them.

She would have no part of that. And she kept staring at the professor as he shifted back into work mode and completely disregarded her presence. He was pretty dreamy in his own haphazard way. Wasn’t he? The door opened.

“Miss. Domina we are sorry for the abominable treatment. I think it was just a clerical issue. We will get to the bottom of this immediately. If you’ll come with me please?” said the suit and tie with coke can glasses that shouted at her effeminately. That look had to be staged, she thought.

“Coming” she says as she grabbed another apple on the way out with the professor noticing and caring about none of it. She closed the door as she sprinted behind Mr. Tie.

“Dude what’s up with the professor? What’s he working on?” she said as spectacles turns and insipidly says to her. “Aren’t you charming? You’ll be briefed soon. Bradford here will take you to your room. Shower and rest and management will come get you soon.” And Mr. Tie walked away without a single glance or care more.

And Bradford who had seemed to appear out of thin air when his name was mentioned smiled at her warmly and said “You probably want more than apples?” and her eyes teared up a little.

“You’re safe here I promise. All your people are safe. We just need your help with this guy. Your expertise is people. And we haven’t been able to crack his code.

We are prepared to pay you twice your standard fee plus travel, food and board even though we will provide everything. You will be doing a service not just for your country, but for all mankind.”

He said softly and gently… kindly. She felt he was telling the truth and her shoulders lost the edge they had been carrying around.

“Well the treatment better improve substantially and I want open access to information. This keeping me in the dark shit won’t work. That’s not how I operate. Complete transparency and honesty is the only way I work.” she barked back at him with as much strength as she could. It wasn’t much but hopefully it was enough.

“yes, of course.” he said opening the door of a beautiful hotel like suite. It felt like enough luxury for a queen. She tried not to show her enthusiasm.

“And so what…. you’re trying to play the love angle?” she said trying to distract them both. “No ma’am” he said clearing his throat uncomfortably. “So yes.” she said laughing at him.

And at that they both laughed heartily. She needed that. He escorted her to the bar and poured her a shot. “Double please” she said. The headache was pounding at her.

“The bath has been drawn, clean clothes are on the bed, but there is a full wardrobe in the closet. Please make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back for you in 3-4 hours. Food will be brought for you shortly and can be brought to the bath if you like. Your privacy in this suite is maintained at all times and there are no video or surveillance devices anywhere. Please enjoy your stay and welcome to the team.”

He walked out slowly closing the door dramatically behind himself. She liked him. And she really liked the professor. She needed to know what they were trying to find and she needed to know what time frame they needed this by. It didn’t look like the professor had too much mind for females, besides knowing he liked them. Maybe she could come from an assistant angle.

Everyone could use an assistant and with that she gulped down another shot and started undressing on the way to the bath. This was going to be a lot of fun…. she suspected… “A lot” she said to herself giggling.



Jesus to a child

That man was something.  He captivated me. Even knowing he was gay did nothing to deter the kitty.  And I swoon over his songs too.  RIP❣️

I’ve been in sheer “utter defiance mode” against the entire universe.  And my new favorite saying “that goes about as well as you’d expect it to” is very true here.

Absolutely not a single person can tolerate me right now.  I’m thinking my dearest, most saintly friend, Jan tomorrow won’t be deterred by my flagrant and obnoxious hatred of everything.

I can’t even explain how fucking mad I am at the universe right now. Not at any one specific person or circumstance either. Just at the whole arrangement honestly. It’s as if you played this great online community game.

You invested years of your life. You were obsessed. It became a huge part of you entire personhood, outside of the game… everywhere. It became like a life credo you adapted and swore your allegiance to.

And then the day comes you get to the end and you win the absolute best prize, the most coveted trophy. There you sit amongst all the others in the club and you realize these AREN’T YOUR PEOPLE.

This isn’t your game. At least it isn’t the game you thought it was. And all of a sudden you lose your ground. Because now what? It was such a huge part of your entire life and now you believe absolutely none of it. You want nothing to do with it.

The game is dead to you…


wtf is there to do really?

I’m still here.

So I gotta believe there’s a reason for that still. Even if I don’t get to know. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. Like honestly I just don’t even care anymore. Like not one bit. The universe will do with me what it wills to.

And that I’m still here just confirms it to me really. Hard to explain maybe. I’m not even really trying to. Because it barely makes sense to me. And as I said I have been excommunicated by some of the higher ups.

It’s funny to me really. There is no cause for alarm. But it’s funny what happens sometimes when you stop caring so much. Things just get so much easier… well… for me. Not sure about those that have to watch this all transpire and care deeply about me.

Once again….I am A-OK. An existential paradigm collapse is really worthwhile. I’d rather be here than where I was just last month honestly. Crazy as it may look from the outside. Lol

I realized how deeply I had been pursuing my spiritual life. I wasn’t like completely devoted. Just working on it always in the background. Ok…well… not always, but yes mostly always.

I was truly trying to have a deeply spiritual life; on my terms of course. Some people seem to think I’m some sort of depraved lunatic. That sounds fun really. Don’t think I’m there yet. Not aspiring to be. But also 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I’m just on a no real free will kick now.



that’s ok…

I do not expect or even want anyone to believe me actually. Because where do you really go from there? Maybe somewhere I may not want to be is what I’m saying but also nowhere I’m going to stop from being. If that makes sense. I refuse to participate in the lies anymore. No matter who is spouting them.

Take me down bitches. Honestly as much as I rage against every single fucking horrible entity in this world. I am genuinely surprised I haven’t been disposed of. It truly shocks me. I half expect a KKK person to kidnap me sometimes. But also..

I’m very fucking dramatic sometimes. Lol

Brad came over. Brought us dinner. He couldn’t even stand up straight because of his back pain. He was so grouchy. He didn’t stay more than 20 minutes and we barely spoke to each other. Does he care? Do I? I don’t even know anymore.

It’s not that I can’t assess or access my emotions it’s that I just don’t feel like it. Too much work. Everything feels like too much work. Except what doesn’t. Some things. I’ll get there. The world is coming back from holiday mode.

I am still being asked to participate. Smiles everyone.

But I am seriously trying to not leave my house the absolute most I can. For the absolute good of humanity, trust me. No one wants to be around this circus of bitter disillusionment. I give so little fucks and it is soo very apparent to absolutely everyone. Some things you just can’t hide. Not that I try. Not that I can even hide anything if I wanted to.

But I do have a good poker face. Boy did that skill payoff throughout my entire life. Salary negotiations, break-ups, actual poker, on and on and on. Teach your kids poker. Use beans or chips if cash is “whatever” to you. They’ll learn probability, math, reading people, a straight face under pressure. Well I think they’re great life tools. Definitely for this life of cloaks and daggers. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m just trying to play catch up now and figure out if I can even figure out what the game beyond the game is now. You ever see that Twilight Zone where they are within the city limits of this suburban area but they can’t go out of the zone.

But they are destitute and hungry so they chance it, thinking they would die to try. And they get to a better place and then it seems like paradise but it’s all an illusion and then they once again go outside of those city borders. Which also caution death upon leaving. My spiritual landscape looks almost exactly like this. Eerily so honestly.

It’s like going up the food chain for a customer service issue. I have gone all the way to the very fucking top before and actually quite coincidentally had legislation changed afterwards. Probably not me. Who am I? A whiner. That’s who I am. A huge fucking complainer. But once again I am trying to get to the very fucking top.

You don’t want me to rock the boat? Hope you got your life vest on. Why? Why not? Because I want to. Don’t tell me what to do. How about that?

It’s ok. Everyone hates me right now. Lol

Just kidding. Somehow through my lunacy I am still loved even if not put up with for long periods of time. And then this guy…. wants to enter my orbit.

I’m pretty set now in where my direction is going. But I could use a fun dalliance or two. Couldn’t you? Who couldn’t really?

Life goes on…

it seems.


I’m not complaining. Honestly. I’m laughing my way through this thing. And I haven’t even started drinking yet really. So…hey….things to look forward to.

I’m just a simple girl really.

When it comes down to it… 🤷🏽‍♀️

It’s a joke people.


With somebody who loves me.  (long, boring, sad)

What a week.  I genuinely, stupidly thought I’d wake up today, January 1st of the new year, and the world would be brighter.

What really happened is I cried myself to sleep and cried again when I woke up. Both times I laid in bed completely awake, not caring if I slept or cried or came or went. Nothing or nowhere I felt I was missing out on or wanted to be. It was a complete and utter indifference that startled me truthfully. 

I slept remarkably well though.  But…wrapped in Tyler’s arms does that to me. 

So let’s go back to yesterday.  While my plans changed by the minute what ended up happening is me uninviting both Craig and Brad to go and instead bringing K. 

I had stipulated that we would go as friends only: plutonic.  He has a girlfriend with whom he is monogamish and I’ve got too many of my own skewers in the fire. Especially since I am genuinely considering and taking steps towards the harem.  

So he picked me up around 10 and we headed down. It was packed, the energy was high, the music was decent.  I immediately got two drinks for myself and we did the rounds.  The club did some remodeling and it looked pretty good.  They also took the business space next door and I can’t wait to see what they do with it.

People were already having sex.  There was lots of lingerie, half nudity and full nudity of women. The club is ridiculously strict about this. Men are not to be naked save for sex scenes in the designated areas.  But I like rules in these settings, especially ones with consequences. Lol

We sat and people watched.  I made a point to not talk to him much because I was as ornery as always and even his simple clarifying questions were driving me crazy and his small talk was grinding at my nerves. 

Fortunately he has a very even tone and a very soothing mannerism to him. He knows how to handle me. I think more than anything I just wanted to enjoy that, but even he was taxed by my attitude.

And it turns out he wanted to touch me and kiss me and??  I haven’t kissed this boy in years.  I specified my parameters. And I did so again at the club.  Which he hated.  I could tell how much he wanted every man there to know I was his or he had access to my body. 

I was fine. I didn’t care.  I was just happy I made it there.  I truthfully wasn’t sure I would and I did. 

My favorite part of the night was when the DJ played Whitney Houston’s “I want’a dance with somebody”.  Half the girls in the entire place started singing along.  And it is was so infectious and cute that I sung a line or two out loud as well.  It made me giggle so hard.

And my heart both swelled and sank.  Guess every girl does want this.  We are all so silly, aren’t we?  When leaving K assured me in his very serious and quiet tone that men want this also, that men do also really want true love.

We drove back the whole way in silence.  I thanked him for taking me. I knew it wasn’t his thing. He had plans to be at basketball practice at 7am.  I kissed his neck softly and said goodbye. I doubt I’ll ever see him again. 

I was still very glad he accepted my invitation. I was not feeling social. Generally when I go to the sex club it is because I want to be social and I want to talk to everyone and anyone.  I want to socialize and have fun. But K served as a shield and his angry demeanor keeps people at bay. And he let me sit in silence and people watch until he got too bored. 

Even though there were lots of gorgeous girls and I had offered to be his wingman.  He seemed irritated about something and I didn’t care to know what honestly. 

He asked me about my history with going to the club.  So I told him…I’d been there maybe a dozen times or less.  Never to have sex.  Never to catch a man. Just to talk and watch people have sex.  He asked questions.  Which I tried to answer to his satisfaction.  The answers seemed to appease him although I don’t know why.

He asked if I had ever wanted to make an exception and I told him about eye fucking CEO man with his uptight wife guarding him like a halk.  I told him about the young man I had a glorious makeout session with. No sex, no taking off of clothes.  But intensely yummy. 

I guess that’s my range. 22 year old Hercules to old Titans.  lol.  I do wonder what he was trying to figure out because that doesn’t see to narrow anything down to me. 

I did have sex with Brad at the club once.  I don’t count that because it was behind closed doors anyway.  It was fun.  It just doesn’t seem like it should count as a sex club score or whatever.

I got back home to Tyler and he was busy working on his project. He hadn’t seen my whole outfit yet.  He got so excited when he saw me.

It’s cute.  This man has seen me naked and at my grungiest and accepts me fine.  Kisses and holds me irregardless…fucks me hard.  But to see his eyes bug out of his head like a cartoon character was funny.

He raced to shower and told me to stay dressed.  I was wearing my 4″ thigh high boots.  Which are comfortable to walk in but have me teeter-tottering to dance which is why I didn’t even chance it. 

I knew K wouldn’t dance anyway and truthfully I have never once hit the dance floor in that place. Even when the music is to my liking. It’s just never happened.  Can’t say why exactly.

I’ve thought of it.  I’ve had so many daydreams about asking the DJ to play a song and me dance in the cage alone.  I’ve tried to pick which song it would be.  I haven’t come upon one that would propel that journey for a solid 3 minutes of owning it.  Definitely not without alcohol. And probably not without go-go dance training first. Lol


I’m a bit sad…. because I’ve given up on finding true love.  Not because I am unworthy.  I think I’m more than worthy of it actually.  Thanks for worrying or wondering or you can have your own opinion.  Either, all, neither…’s all fine. 

It’s just that I’m not capable.  I truly am not capable.  I have absolutely no idea what a long term, loving, truly functional for all parties relationship looks like.

And I have even less of an idea how to find it. And at this point I’d even go as far to say that if I even did find it right now I wouldn’t know I found it or worse yet I would push it away.

I am truly just incapable. Now… now I am.  All I am speaking for is the now.  And I am accepting that and I’m going to just stop trying.  I’m taking it off the checklist. 

No more steps towards it, no more yearning for the impossible or, at the very least, highly improbable.  That’s just a waste of time and energy.  But it’s sad to give up on something I’ve wanted my entire life.  More than I’ve wanted anything and everything else.  I guess I’m grieving that too right now. 


I’ve made the decision to move this summer.  Based on my extensive research a few years ago I have some good places to start looking. Of course this is all contingent on my mother’s very small inheritance, if and when that comes. Meanwhile.  I have 6 months to prep. This is a huge move and I plan on taking almost nothing as far as material items. 

I still need to talk to the ex about the kids.  To say we have not been getting along would be an understatement. Wonder how he’ll try and make my life miserable now?  He seems much more in the mood for it with his fiance in the picture.  That’s for sure.

I spent 16 years of my life with this person.  I really don’t understand how he could treat me, the mother of his children, the way he does.  He was obsessive about me. He treated me so wonderful and so loving….until he locked me down.  And that was probably one of the saddest betrayals of my life. But all betrayal is hard. Isn’t it?  And I’ve just had far too much of it. 

I just am not going to set myself up for more.  And even more than that…. maybe even worse than that…. I have a tendency to hurt men emotionally and most definitely knock their ego down a few too many pegs for their liking.  And I need to own up to that aspect as well.  And then too, just because I enjoy teasing men sexually doesn’t mean they can handle it or want it or it’s appropriate… even in a dating situation I guess. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But at the sex club it is the default.  It is welcome with open arms. It’s a luscious feeling sometimes to just be allowed to be sexual and not have to owe anything to anyone for it.  The world outside the sex club is much more dangerous to me that way.  If that makes sense. 

I’ll miss Portland immensely.  I’ll miss the people I’ve grown fond of, the beautiful places, the yummy food, the quirky things that make this place so frenetic and fun.  The fact that you can find your place somewhere in this mess if you try hard enough.

Meanwhile Tyler and I never had sex last night.  Not for his lack of wanting to or trying.  But he saw I was on the brink of tears.  He was trying to get why out of me and fuck me. You can see how this isn’t ideal probably or conductive to a hard cock.  Lol

And I finally told him after he wouldn’t let up what he already knew.  I said I feel very lost right now.  As if I don’t belong anywhere or to anyone…. aside from my kids.  And he asked me if I felt loved…like in a general sense did I feel that I was loved.  And I could not answer the question.  I still can’t.

Who is to quantify that?  How much is too much?  How much is not enough?  How much do any of us deserve?  Who says?  And honestly does it matter?  And why does it matter to anyone else if it doesn’t to me?

More questions I need to answer before I can answer that one and it’s not of interest to me really.  I gratefully receive the love I do get and hope I am able to show my appreciation enough so the people that love me know I see it.  I sometimes ironically thank people for loving me knowing that they do it not by choice always.  Hard to explain and it doesn’t matter.

I’m just in a sad place where almost nothing matters to me anymore and then conversely in a very hopeful place where maybe the future will work out exactly the way it was intended to after all.  Maybe I will find my place in the sun…. for myself…..after all.  Even if no happily ever after comes with it. 

Honestly not gonna complain one bit about that.  Right?  All I ever wanted in life was to be happy.  And for most of my life I’ve willed it so more than the reality actually presented me with.  But I’m done with trying so damn hard.  Not that it wasn’t worth it and worthwhile to allow myself to find happiness somewhere, wherever that needed to be.

Just that my standards have lowered themselves immensely.  And I don’t need shit to be happy.  I don’t need accolades. I don’t need sycophants.  I don’t need so much money I need to hire experts to manage it.  I really technically don’t even need sex.  I actually don’t need many more things than I do need.  And that’s what I’m going to now gear my life towards. Lack of problems…. at least not from my end. Lol

But this definitely won’t present itself in any metropolitan area.  Completely unaffordable.  But I’m still hoping I can find somewhere to bicycle or walk to my needs and not have to maintain a car anymore. 

I want to live somewhere so modest and small that any job can offer me staples and at least rice and beans. A roof over my head and the conveniences of first world living: running water, sewage system, electricity, high speed internet.  Lol

I truly am not asking for much in life anymore.  I think I’m being extremely reasonable. So how great is it that this actually feels achievable and not like some insurmountable mountain I’m just gonna “I think I can” my way up.  Because I’m just done with wanting to work that hard really.   

I’m sure the view is great from up there.  But I’m working on being happy right where I am.  Wherever that is. My only condition is that I want to be genuinely happy and not forcing myself to be. Whole new paradigm people.  Whole new world.

Let’s see how this pans out.🤷🏽‍♀️


Gave up Today

Don’t ask me why exactly. I mean I can point to dozens of potentially excellent reasons, but don’t ask the hierarchy or if I am even aware of the main reason for it. And truthfully I just don’t care.

I find it hysterical that I hate the world today. Because truthfully it’s deserved some days. And who cares? The world obviously doesn’t much, unless it’s being a hypocritical douche.

I am just not expecting much from this life anymore. I’ve decided to give up on absolutely every single goal but this: Do the best I can to raise loving human beings and be as happy or at peace with myself as I can be. Stupidly simple.

So much so that all else has lost absolutely all appeal. I’m not necessarily feeling bitter or hopeless. Actually I’m feeling like this is exactly the right path for me. The path of giving zero shits about anything.

I mean sure, yeah, I’ll keep following the laws of wherever I happen to find myself in life, going forward. I’ll keep doing whatever my heart and soul dictate if I so please. But also, I got nowhere to be but exactly where I currently am. If you see me somewhere, that’s where I am. That’s where I am meant to be. So simple it’s frightening. Really. Lol

No it isn’t. Actually. Come at me life ❣️

I’ve never felt so damn free.

Now….a lot of people are disagreeing with this new stance. So many. Even my bank called to ask me to reconsider working for a living. I said “na dude, you got enough slaves on your Rolodex. I need to go find my own. Got any tips?”

So rude.

Just hung up on me.

What is this world coming to?

I just don’t know.

But also …

don’t tell anyone…

but ….

I also kinda don’t care.


Not sorry

But hey….

You got 48 awesome years of me trying my absolute hardest to say, do, be who I thought I should be. I worked damn hard at it too. Thank God I’m over all that “wanting and striving” crap.

That’s the worst fucking merry-go-round. I tell ya. Well it was for me. Can’t tell you how many times I vomited and cried my eyes out. Thinking I had no more water in my entire body to cry a single tear more.

But see….

here’s the thing.

I can just barely account for myself anymore. Which is why I envy those those that have such strong opinions about everything and everyone and how things should be and why the world is the way it is and what should be done about it.

But can you please take your soap box to another corner?

Your blocking my sun.

I think we get to share that.

But dude…

it’s ok….

you’re off again not paying any attention to anything but you. So I guess I’ll be seeing you around maybe. Honestly just doubt you will even miss me. If you even knew I was here to begin with.

Ciao baby❣️



I’m not a jealous person by nature. Honestly I had to learn that one early. Because I usually always had less than most people it seemed; like…. of just everything: family, friends, clothes, toys, whatever…you get my point.

And I also realized later on how deeply it hurt the person carrying the jealousy. Because I am still violently jealous with my lovers. Hypocrisy at it’s finest people. I can not deny it. 🤷🏽‍♀️

And then to make matters worse it only makes the person you are jealous about either feel sorry for you or laugh at you. Yuck! Either way honestly. I HATE pity!

So anyway…. talking to horny Craig this morning. He’s so funny. We are always taunting each other. And it surprises absolutely everyone that we’ve never slept together, especially him. Lol

I adore him. I’ve decided to take Brad and Craig to the club Friday. I’m trying to get Tyler in too but dingaling has no paperwork of any kind on him. Which is illegal in and of itself.

I swear I spend half the time crying because of his idiocy and the other time laughing at him. He doesn’t like either one. I’m like “dude this shit is ALL on you.”

And then we both laugh. What is there to do?

So back to Craig…

I think if I do start up the harem he will be the guardian. As in the last word on things and who people go to for shelter and advice. He’s old. Soo….um…..he knows a lot and he’s kind and empathetic. Seriously one of the nicest guys I know. Do not tell him that. His ego does not need it.

So we start talking about gang bangs and I tell him to stop immediately. And he laughs at me. Gang bangs are in most girls top 5 sexual fantasies. One of those love to watch on porn and think about but hard pass on actually doing things….for me at least. And most women I think but I always speak for no one but myself. Right?

But it’s similar to how most guys have a threesome with two women in their top three. Which I love to ask them about… because the fantasy always seems to break down once you actually plan it out and I love to see that unravel. Don’t get me wrong. I say “absolutely do it” and I plan on having many more threesomes in my lifetime…but maybe leaning more MMF. Lol


It got me thinking of the sex club and the time I met up with Alan who’s a regular. And he walked me through some of the other regulars and some shenanigans that had happened. He’s such a hoot always. I hope he’s at the club Friday. We left off on bad terms and I regret that. Even if the fault was not all mine.

But that night he pointed out a meek, tiny bit chubby girl and told me she had just had a gang bang the night before. And I was filled with an immediate and intense jealousy that completely overwhelmed me, because again I rarely feel it, even over lovers. And at the same time I felt a little bad for her because she looked like she had a bit of low self esteem. Which to be honest society seems to expect from girls.

Like I can’t tell you how many people are shocked at the fact that I love myself. It never doesn’t bother me. Why do we buy into these stupid lies and hold each other to them? Like fucking ruthless hall monitors. Who is getting paid? Anyone? Seriously…. anyone???


I really don’t have too much to say. It’s been a rough time emotionally for me. I’m actually forcing myself to go out Friday. It’s a bad day fo her to have died. But it was definitely not her fault or doing and it is what it is. Right?

I have been taking marathon baths and crying a lot. Talked to my therapist and she says I am doing great… all things considered….I guess. She said I was having a very serious case of grief. And she said to keep crying. Which just made me cry more. But I guess that was her point. I swear… I’m so clueless right now.

I can’t keep time straight or days. My memories feel like clouds I can’t catch. This trying to live in the moment thing is great but navigating it through this pain is so intense. Feels like walking through fire with my eyes wide open.


Love to you all❣️


To be clear I’m fine. I have my kids, good friends, lovers, pot, food, shelter, water, Tyler has been holding me and letting me cry and say my nonsense and lest we forget what else he is good at….

Hey, hey….don’t go spreading rumors.



Coursing through veins like lightening

The first taste like nectar

The “hi” you keep chasing

So elusive

So torturous in need

So all encompassing in desire

When finally found…

glorious beyond belief

Except it will probably kill you…



So tonight we dove around Portland for two hours trying to score Tyler H. He is having withdrawals. He keeps it under wraps pretty well for being such a lethal thing to be addicted to. Did he say 6 felony warrants or was I mistaken?

By the end of the night after we got food and I was too tired to think straight I fell asleep quickly. And when he left I have no clue at all.

I have no idea where he told me he was going, how long he would be or who he went to see. All I remember is him laying on me like a security blanket and him telling me his cock was hard and me telling him to not let it go to waste.

While completely more asleep than possibly awake. And he said something about leaving and I wish I had woken up but also why do I care?

He’s on a death wish and all I can do is hold on tight to myself so he doesn’t take me down with him. We ended up having to use a go between to get him his fix.

Heroine is a funny drug to me. Most drugs cross all spectrums but you have your niche groups that stay pretty aligned to certain drugs. Think Rastafarians and pot. White collar workers and cocaine. On and on. But heroine really can be a bottom of the barrel drug like crack cocaine used to be. It isn’t bougie and opulent like opium and hashish I guess.

They aren’t selling it to you with hip hop and naked girls in huge mansions in the Hollywood Hills. Because I’ve seen that too and that’s just as fucking deadly and seedy. Trust me!

Don’t get me wrong…..I love drugs. But I’ve seen the devastation and lived through the horror too many times already or at least…. that’s how it feels.

But it’s snowing out. And come to find out he was literally living in his car on some random street where his car remains broken down before I dragged him home with me.

I know he’s worried they’ll tow it. He sure as shit doesn’t have money to get it out and it literally holds all he owns in the world. That’s not the worst part.

The worst part of my night other than the fact that he is missing and may be dead because it’s literally snowing out and I live nowhere near any public transportation.


We ended giving a ride to a father son duo that helped with the transaction. Both higher than fuck. They were trying to get out the money the grandfather had cash app’d the 23 year old son…to no avail. And we drove from tent to tent to random RV on a random back street talking to people I would have never even seen before.

Eventually H was found. They inject it but Tyler smokes it. It was interesting trying to keep up with the drug lingo. Not something I’m trying to pick up but fascinating none the less.

And then he just drops it into normal conversation. Like I had asked what he thought about the weather. The kid had just gotten out of jail. 6 years. He had nowhere else to go but his father I guess. He had gone to jail for killing his little sister’s rapist. He shot him 16 times.

Turns out the rapist had raped 166 other girls. He had video taped them all. As part of the trial the jurors had to watch the tapes. Pedophilia: sanctioned pornographic evidence. 6 years was the minimum sentence they could give him as a minor.

I still didn’t hesitate to say no when Tyler offered me drugs. He knows better than to ask me twice. He knows if I ask for them it’s another story. Truthfully I’ve tried H. It does nothing for me. Just like all uppers do is regulate my excessively low blood pressure and make me talk a lot.

Lately pot makes me talkative for some reason. Pensive and talkative. It was a strange Christmas Day. Completely not what I expected. The kids were with their dad mostly all day anyway.

I’m safe tucked in my warm bed with beautiful white snow like in a globe…. falling all around me softly. Blanketing the world in beauty. At least visually.

But….I did get to have sex today. Some of the best sex of my entire life. I couldn’t even quantify it if I wanted to. Was it making love? Was it how many orgasms exactly? With no assist beyond pot for me.

Sometimes I wish I was 20 years younger so I could make a million more mistakes in life. I just don’t feel like I have that same “dumbass pass” anymore. Do I?

And life carries on….

Pharmaceuticals? Street drugs? Alcohol? Addiction is addiction. I used to be addicted to exercise. Wonder if I’ll ever get back there? Maybe be addicted to meditation…or…. something…. someone… maybe…. lol

But that always seems to get me in trouble.


Goodbye Christmas

Hopefully we meet again next year under better circumstances. I’m just grateful to be alive and safe and I watch my children sleep and wonder things about this life I would cry to actually ask.

So let’s just try and fall back asleep I guess. While the moon is still beckoning and the quiet engulfs me.

Goodnight world❣️🎄❤️‍🔥⛄🙏🏽🌎💋