Distressed

Probably rightfully so. Even though I am a loud proponent of staying positive through any ordeal, I recognize it isn’t always easy.

Yesterday my handyman came over. He is kind, knowledgeable and honest. Those are a hard combination to find in life. So I feel very fortunate to have connected.

But he didn’t have great news. He suspects that the roof tiles buckling in one specific area point to the wood underneath being rotted. He followed a small slumping in the roof from that spot to the very corner of the house where he found excessive moisture and possibly thinks the foundation may be compromised. Because that’s what I need in life right now. πŸ™„

——–

I’ve just about finished with Constantine. I enjoy the stories and characters, but the gore is disturbing.

Then I dreamt that we were back in the house. My youngest, who actually does have a genetic disorder that gave her hardened skin growths as a baby, was having severe abnormalities. She was growing huge abcesses and losing her fingers. She was actually very calm about the whole thing but I was freaking out and the doctors couldn’t explain it, let alone help her. One doc wrote a couple of remedies for her but I lost the information in my panic.

Then I walk in her room and black sticky tar was oozing from the ceiling. I handled it by sealing off the room; because that’s totally logical. πŸ™„ Dreams!

I was happy to wake up from that one. It was very stressful. But dreams do have a lot to tell you about your state of mind and things one isn’t aware of consciously.

Yesterday was also my middle’s birthday and I didn’t do anything to try to make it special. She had school and her father took them to dinner. Originally I had wanted to take her zip lining, but it didn’t pan out. I should have stuck to my guns and taken her. Now she just has more fuel for the “I’m the middle child, no one cares about me” fire she has burning bright.

My youngest went to sleep crying last night. Her older sisters stayed up late chatting and she felt excluded. I layed down with her and said “being the youngest munch is hard sometimes, isn’t it?”. Which just made her cry harder.

Once she calmed down I said “I know this isn’t going to make you feel better, but you know what…. sometimes being a mom is hard too. So I get it.” And she laughed. I guess it did make her feel a little better.

Today I get my labs drawn. And I have to buy a heater. It’s starting to get cold and there is only one heater for the entire house and only one outlet in the basement. With the renters having control of the thermostat.

I’m really, really hating not having a washer and dryer. Truthfully I’m feeling a bit lost again right now; unsure, drifting. But I have things to do to keep me occupied. Now if only I actually wanted to do them. Lol

πŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸ’‹

At it’s core (life?)*

At it’s core energy consists of almost nothing

Of something so imperceptible when you try to measure it

That it almost can’t be done

And yet nothing exists without energy

Matter would not exist

So then is energy everything or a vastness of nothing

Or better yet

Both

And everything in between

And all measured dependent on who, when, where, how, why and all the other many variables.

—————

To me this life is such a fascinating thing. Lol

Even through the pain of the world, even through my own grievances I see the majesty of the Divinity we come from and I can see the beauty and grace in the world and in us, its human beings. And I thank Spirit for the beauty of that wisdom every single day.

——

*Originally written 9/11 and lost and then found. Go figure. But here it is.

God laughs at us

I used to have a sculpture of a laughing God face. His laugh looked a tiny bit maniacal but I loved that thing. My ex hated it though and somehow it was the only thing destroyed in our move to Oregon.

I was reminded of it this morning. I woke up exhausted. I barely slept. It wasn’t the night sweats. I’ve gotten quite used to those. It was most definitely stress, but a generalized variety. Nothing I can pinpoint exactly.

I probably should not have started up on watching that TV series though. I’m sure that didn’t help. It wasn’t scary, at least not consciously so. But after binge watching 4 segments I literally had to wash my eyes out. They had tiny little white fibers all around them. Literally; like cobwebs.

(Listen…. I can be creative but all these things I talk about in my blogs I couldn’t make up if I wanted to. And I hope by now you’ve all gotten to know me and my obsessive penchant for honesty. Anyways….)

The series was Constantine, based on the comic books and following Keanu Reeves movie by the same title. I loved the movie so I figured why not. I’m not even sure how I caught wind of the series. Before yesterday I didn’t even know it existed. It’s all quite coincidental (as if I believed in coincidences. Lol). As if I hadn’t been thinking and talking about exorcisms lately.

The series was a bit more gory than what I typically watch but I figured maybe I’d learn something. But my whole thing is that while there are cursed and blessed objects and places one doesn’t need these things, if one’s will and connection is strong enough. So I say, right?

So this morning I wake up tired, but make an extra effort to pray and connect to Divinity. And I feel pretty good when I do get out of bed. Only to have the morning be a bit of a catastrophe. All these different events transpired to create chaos and I got frustrated and ended up yelling at one of my kids, bopping the cat on the nose and getting in a text fight with the ex.

And I’m sitting here thinking it’s not even two hours between my blissful moment of connection to God and total emotional upheaval and I am wondering if God is laughing at me. Like seriously none of these things truly matter. Why do I let it get to me?

Why?

God, being human is one constant lesson in humility. Isn’t it? Lol

πŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒβ£οΈπŸ’‹πŸ˜‹πŸ™ƒ

Crunchy farts

I was a tomboy as a young child. I loved it! I loved being on my bike. I loved playing cops and robbers. I loved being active. Playing dolls was like torture. Being kept inside was punishment. I wanted to be deep in the mix of it all and I loved exploring the world. It wasn’t until my sexuality started blooming that it seemed really hard to just be friends with boys, and not from my end, necessarily.

———

I have decided that I’m not going to try to have, make or sustain friendships anymore. Instead I’m going to concentrate on finding activities I enjoy and meeting people that also enjoy those activities. If friendship ensues, great. If not, that’s ok too. I have finite time here and I haven’t done one/100th of the things I want to do. So I better get started.

Today’s Theme Song (Miles from Nowhere – Cat Stevens)

———

As I get older I understand less and less why we need a government at all. I’m not advocating anarchy, per se. I’m just questioning the validity of the original argument. In the same vein I question religion and so many other things in life. Just doesn’t really make sense to me sometimes. Exhibit A:

This is to no one’s surprise, I’m sure. I’m not even blaming Trump here. This probably would have happened on anyone’s watch; and I honestly do believe that. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

But that’s not in my realm of things to worry about. Just an observation of the absurdity of it all. While people are still dying and hospitals are still struggling to aquire PPE supplies, we get more arms. Cuz that makes perfect sense. Yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers.

All I can do is laugh at the inhumanity and buffoonery of it all. Some days I cry; but today is not that day.

It’s a crunchy farts day. πŸ™ƒ

πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸ’–

I am exhausted

I played 14 hours of poker last night. I only lost a little but I could have left a few hundred up had I left at the 12 hour mark instead, but when it comes to gambling I’m not a grinder. I don’t feel like I’ve actually won unless I have doubled my money. Silly I know. But if you look at the hours of entertainment vs the expenditure and fun it was worth it.

There aren’t many things I can stay up for all night, but poker is definitely one of them. Did you know at one point I considered opening a poker room as a business? But I felt that the security would need to be insane and that it’s hard to know who to trust and I don’t really like dealing with shady characters.

In my mind it was going to be a private poker club type thing. Where one has to be vetted and have an open account on file. But it didn’t really seem like the right kind of job for a single mom. Lol

——-

Ok. So I did a moisture experiment. Turns out the best ratio for indoor moisture is 40-60% to keep bacteria, mold, dust mites, etc at bay. So I started up my dehumidifier in the bathroom. It was only in the mid 60’s and within the hour was in the low 40’s.

Then I put it in the kitchen. It started in the mid 50’s but I knew I’d be cooking. Sure enough the moisture from cooking shot it up about 10 points, even with the fan running. And because the space is larger it took almost 3 hours to come down 20 points.

It’s all so interesting to me. I love experiments.

——-

I was reading Marie’s blog post about her weekly ritual of maintenance spankings (here) and I found it to be touchingly beautiful. She yields to it willingly and it makes him a better dominant and their relationship so much stronger.

Awwww….. relationship aspirations. Could I ever find a man willing to submit like that? A girl can dream, can’t she?

πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ˜‹πŸ’‹β£οΈ

Square dancing vs poop lessons / exorcisms?

You know what I enjoy first thing in the morning? A good fart. Lol.

I read a reddit post last night that asked what was something we should have learned in school and didn’t and I said basic human anatomy.

I myself only started to learn about the vast world of digestion 14 or so years ago. I also didn’t know (until last year) that the clitoris is just the very tiny tip of the iceberg of that nerve and that it is a is a large mass going all the way down to your g-spot.

That the majority of people don’t know the importance of color, consistency and frequency of bowel movements is sad to me. This is basic human body function 101.

Instead I learned square dancing in elementary school which I really haven’t ever, not once, had a single use for in my life.

It’s just irrational. We go to school and don’t learn about ourselves, how the world truly functions, how to build a good life and a better world: we don’t learn about morality/civility, human duty to nature, finances, how our bodies really work, on and on.

I’m seriously dumbfounded by it.

—–

On another note: I feel good today. I’m going for a walk with Jan later. I’m trying my hand at making lamb for dinner tonight. I enjoy it but I’ve never actually tried cooking it before, but I found some reasonably priced at Costco and thought why not. I’m also going to try and put together the hammock Brad got me. He doesn’t want to pick me up this weekend and I don’t feel like driving to Salem for the 3rd week in a row. So we are at a stalemate there.

I am still having issues with my liver. So I’m cutting back on the nicotine gum. I started using it and became slightly addicted during this whole Covid-19 thing. It really did help with that horrible light-headedness. But I haven’t had symptoms for a while now and with my liver smarting from handling the smoke I really need to give it a break.

I am having my yearly physical Monday, at which time I am going to ask her to write me a note for the gym to allow me to wear a shield instead of a mask. I really don’t care what anyone else claims, says or believes, I simply can not exercise in a mask. I can’t do any physical activity wearing one. I’ve tried and it makes me dizzy and feel like I am going to hyperventilate. Which I’ve experienced before and is no fun at all.

I’m super excited the cat is leaving today. I can do some deep cleaning and see if I can finally get rid of that pee smell. It’s horrible, even worse than when our whole place smelled like vomit because my middle had projectile vomiting from reflux for the first 8 months of life and I learned to not care what I looked or smelled like.

She was also quarantined for the first 6 months of her life due to her being born premature with a heart condition and going into flu season. So we never went anywhere and no one was ever allowed over during that period. There is a striking parallel for me to this pandemic, except now it’s everyone and not just her and I. Which I guess is why I haven’t overreacted too much to this. I remember feeling like those months would never end and I remember crying a lot, but they did end eventually.

———

I’m going to wait for my liver to fully recover before booking my trip to Ohio. Hopefully not when it’s too cold there because I can not drive in the snow.

I got another vision that I needed to try to do 3 exorcisms while I was there. Not sure what to make of that one. I’ve only ever done 2 exorcisms before: one for a house and one for a person. The first one I ended ubruptly when an apparition started manifesting. It really scared the crap out of me. The second I wasn’t purposefully doing so I had no idea how to stop it.

I just let it continue and it ended of its own accord. I think it was pretty tame as far as exorcisms go, but it sure did freak out the person going through it. I remained perfectly calm through it all, I mean what else was there to do? It was very overwhelming for them and my calmness was the best way I could think of to get them through it.

So I think I need to figure out what I’m doing if that’s really something I’m meant to do. I better start reading up on it and talking to people. People that won’t think I’m crazy. Not sure where to find them. Lol

Hey….I’m just going with the flow here. Trying to find my way and navigate through life with as much grace and purpose as I can.

I am no longer expecting it to make sense. Lol. I just want to have the courage to persevere.

πŸŒˆπŸŒβœŒπŸ½πŸ™πŸ½πŸ€—β£οΈπŸ’‹

I guess I can tell you guys the truth

These last two weeks have been challenging. Especially because I spent at least 5 of those days completely imobile in bed. And that’s because moving those bins out of Brad’s and into storage aggravated my hemmeroids. Yep. I said it. They were that bad.

Which is why I went to a hemmeroids specialist yesterday. He was very nice. Which honestly I really don’t care about. I’d rather have a good doctor with no bedside manner than a friendly doctor with zero skills. But he seemed to have both. Much unlike the last Gastroenterologist who butchered me and didn’t even know what colon hydrotherapy was.

Compared to this doc who knew exactly what I did and when I told him I was looking for a new location, said he may have a room and that we would be a good fit together. I was so floored I don’t think I showed any of the enthusiasm I was feeling inside.

—–

Turns out not having proper ventilation can cause excessive moisture. Did everyone else know that? Having the windows closed and running the vaporizer created so much moisture that even when I turned it off the floors remained damp. Even after I dried them the moisture just came back. Which points to me needing a dehumidifier, especially with winter coming. Just one more unexpected expense.

Which makes me grateful I had a couple eBay sales last week. But I’m doing eBay much like one does a bad marriage. I’m here, but my heart isn’t in it. So I decided that I’m not getting a new desktop computer. I’m going to wait for mine to die (it’s on its last breath) and then figure out what I want. Invest money in a business I really don’t enjoy? Find a naturopaths office (possibly the hemmeroid clinic) to set up shop? Or? IDK.

I’m just glad I’m feeling good. The air is clear, we had blue skies yesterday in between the rain.

Every day brings new challenges and opportunities. Doesn’t it? Which I suppose is better than every day being exactly the same. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Be blessed❣️

🌈🌏πŸ₯°βœŒπŸ½πŸ˜ŽπŸ™πŸ½πŸ’‹

Never so happy to see rain

It thundered for hours last night. The lightening was so bright it woke me and one of the kidlets up. The air quality is hovering in the mid 100’s which is still unhealthy, but I have things to do I’ve put off for over a week now. So I must venture into it.

I did some research and found a supplement, (NAC) an amino acid, that supports the liver. It is supposedly even use in the emergency rooms for acetaminophen overdoses. I’ve also ordered some milk thistle suppositories. I’m gonna do all I can to make it to be a healthy grandma, one day (no time soon). This also includes not drinking alcohol. While I still miss and crave it sometimes, I am finding it easier to not do so. Must also be because I’m not all that social right now anyway.

I ordered Doordash last night and accidentally charged it onto Brad’s credit card. It had defaulted to it and I didn’t realize it until after it was ordered. But tell me, why does food you don’t pay for taste even better than if you paid for it? Lol. I’ll pay him back. I made him aware of it and he says to me “I would have never known, had you not told me”.

I don’t even understand that. Like I genuinely can’t comprehend that mindset. I’ve never in my life had the luxury of not monitoring my accounts. Right now not a single bank or credit card transaction over $1 occurs without a notification of some sort; be it text or email. I’m way on top of it.

This was hammered into me after being penalized over $300 in overdraft fees one time because my ex and I made a few charges on our joint account before his direct deposit got posted. One of those charges was a $1.99 french fry order. That was a very brutal lesson.

Now I have low balance notification set-up. I have overdraft turned off, so the charges get declined instead of charged, where that to ever happen again. Which I can’t see happening, but just in case.

But to not have any concerns about what gets charged. To not even be aware of it. I think that can be seen as both a true blessing in life and also completely irresponsible. No? It’s really no surprise he isn’t well off. He has made enough money in his life, that had he saved or invested properly he would be doing great right now but his father is rich. So I suppose having wealthy parents that bail one out can make one a bit lackadaisical about finances. I really wouldn’t know.

I’m happy for him though; especially in his present condition. And you’d think maybe this would make me apt to abuse his generosity, but it doesn’t. I am ever grateful for all the things he has done and still does for me. I just don’t want to be dependant on it.

I took this picture. It’s the door of the Chinese restaurant we ate at the other night. I couldn’t help it. I laughed so hard. It just seemed so appropriate for this era. “Sorry accepted”.

But I guess the time for sorry’s, while still accepted , must also now come with real change. Right?

But it does feel good to laugh.

πŸ₯°πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸŒβ£οΈβœŒπŸ½πŸ’‹

Domme, de Domme Domme

Brad and I were discussing our “relationship” over dinner. I said “I still don’t think you understand how this works”. To which he says “I think you’re right. Tell me again.”

And I laid it all out:

“I do and say as I please. You, however, must watch what you say and do.”

He sneered back at me telling me how he starts to get resentful of that and then it boils over and we break up. Then he misses me so much he is willing to do whatever I say.

Which isn’t really true. He is “willing to put up with me” is what he means. He rarely actually does what I say.

And here we are. I don’t think he realizes how resentful I am of him. I invested all this time and energy and emotion. I tried to help him sort out his life and instead watched it get so much worse due to his complete inability to make good decisions and keep moving forward in life. Let alone all his empty promises to me.

It’s fine. But this was the last lesson I needed on trying to (help)/fix a man. From this point forward I know I want a man that either A) has his shit together or B) actually listens and is willing to be the beta to my alpha. Preferably both of course. Why not?

Because, truthfully, even if a man has his shit together and knows what he wants I still expect him to defer to me in the relationship. That is how I roll and it is a non-negotiable. And honestly I’m willing to forge it alone, and just have fun when and where I can, than be miserable trying to become someone I’m not or fit in some little box of who I’m expected to be. Yuck!

I definitely am missing my Domme days, my Domme attire, my Domme persona. But she’ll be back. I just have to lick my wounds for a second and find my bearings again.

And then we shall see who I find that is truly the right fit for me. πŸ€€β›“οΈπŸ€€β›“οΈπŸ€€