Pretentious

I went on Buzzfeed again and took a silly, interior design, personality quiz and it tagged me as pretentious. I would scoff, but I’ve been called that term more times than I’d like to admit to. Which really makes little sense to me.

The definition of pretentious is: characterized by assumption of dignity or importance, especially when exaggerated or undeserved: self-important. Making an exaggerated outward show; ostentatious. Full of pretense or pretension; having no factual basis; false.

But I am not self-important. I am not trying to make a show or impress anyone. I may exaggerate every so often but that’s just to make a story better and it’s not about important things. I think I have always just valued my own opinion, even when I didn’t give it. And even as a kid there was always someone in my orbit to spoil me a bit, or make me feel special and appreciated.

My Mexican cousins used to call me a Fresa when we were young. Fresa’s are usually stuck up, have expensive clothes, cars, are usually middle high or high class, and talk different than everyone else. But I never thought that was accurate either. Sure I sometimes talk like a valley girl but that doesn’t make me a snob.

I mean yes I like nice things. But they aren’t a make all, break all for me. I can do without and I usually do. I enjoy playing the part of enjoying a lavish lifestyle, but I also know very well what it’s like to be starving and homeless. So, I know I can get by without most things in this world.

I don’t know how to stop behaving pretentiously because I’m not sure exactly what part of my persona gives that impression. Is it the way I carry myself? The way I talk?

I never, not for one moment, think I am better than any other human being walking this earth, but conversely I also don’t think myself less than anyone else either. We all have our plusses and minuses. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I do not have a superiority complex. But I also don’t cower to people, no matter what their status or who they think they are.

I do have an ego. I can be stubborn and opinionated. I enjoy having expectations. I enjoy putting my needs first in the world and then helping whoever I can along the way.

I’m truly not sure how I give this off. I find it interesting that I’ve had so many labels put on me my entire life and this one seems to be one I can not shake. But that’s others perception. And while I could change myself, I could analyze this and shift my behavior. It isn’t something I’d be doing for myself. Because I know me. I love me. Me is not truly a pretentious person. I guess I just appear so at times.

But oh well…..

We all have our things. 😂

❤️‍🔥😈💋

Kid in a candy store – kink

Life presents one with so many opportunities.  I’ve always preferred to be a spur of the moment person, but I do enjoy the build up of all the sensations when you prep for kink.  Whether you know the scene and have done it several times or whether it’s a whole new experience, or even when you are going in blind…..it’s just so much fun. 

I was talking to Cammy.  After she came over last weekend to give me a non-sexual sub experience I asked her for more.  I asked her to brainstorm more ideas of fun things to do together.  She did not disappoint.

I’m feeling like a kid in the candy store.  I do so love that analogy.  Maybe because I still so clearly remember walking into the corner liquor with a quarter, as a child, and feeling so giddy and on top of the world.  Let alone if I had a whole dollar.  Watch out world.  Lol. The innocent excitement of a child is pure bliss. 

And I get to relive that over and over in kink, amongst other very wonderful sensations and feelings.

——-

It turns out Utah only allows CBD products.  But Nevada and Arizona are a hop skip and there’s even a drive in dispensary at the border.  My potential new boss told me they don’t regulate it at all.  She told me they direct clients there all the time with no problem.  She told me all this because I turned down the job based on my lack of ability to get THC legally. 

I have said for over a decade now that I will not live in a place where marijuana is illegal.  It’s the only vice I have currently and I do not even consider it a vice.  Which is what I explained to her when I awkwardly said why I had to turn it down. 

I use THC as most people use a glass of wine or two.  I use it to relax.  It helps my anxiety, my insomnia and more than anything my stress level.  Plus at higher dosages I get a really nice mellow head trip, where a lot of the time I resolve internal conflicts or gain spiritual insight. 

I’m not giving that up for a job.  No job; no matter how lucrative and fulfilling is worth giving up the one thing that resets my emotional equalibrium the best.   I’d rather give up sex, in all earnestness. Because I can masturbate.

But I have not figured out how to recreate the effects of drugs without the drugs.  That’s a level of body mastery we are obviously capable of, otherwise the placebo affect wouldn’t be a thing.  Our minds are capable of amazing things.

Our bodies are capable of amazing things.  This just isn’t something humanity has given much thought to pursue.  Who’s interest would it be in if humans could easily regulate their own health?  Let me list all the major worldwide corporations that would see to that not happening. Lol. Me and my tangents. I make myself laugh.

I’ll leave it at that. I’ve got a lot of work to do today and if I get back on the subject of kink I will be very distracted. Lol

Enjoy yourselves ❣️😈

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🙏🏽🌄💋

I love crying

Not all the time, not even frequently, but I do enjoy it tremendously sometimes.

Today I was reading though stories on the Good News Network. I probably spent a good hour crying over the stories I read. It’s so inspiring: teenagers helping strangers, strangers saving other people’s lives. I can see and feel the immense amount of humanity we are capable of and it restores my faith. It gives me hope and it makes me cry tears of joy.

I wish they had many more stories. The site reminds me of how much I used to like reading the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Same vibe.

I love to see the good side of people. I love to hear about people making a difference with such little things, sometimes. Kindness and compassion are the bridges that unite mankind, and make this world so truly beautiful.

So very beautiful indeed❣️

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🙏🏽💋

Wild and Free

Yesterday my eldest daughter and I went hiking.  We hiked through the nature park by our house.  It was so beautiful and where it not for the sounds of the freeway you’d think you were in a wild forest and not a city park. 

After our hike she texted me telling me how adventurous I am.  I wasn’t sure how to take that.  But I think I understood what she meant.  At least 1/5th of our hike was through heavy vegetation, felled trees and overgrown ground cover.  Enough to where you couldn’t even see where the original trail was, nor was there a clear path of any sort.  So we were just going blindly forward.  I led, of course. And it was a lot of fun.  Blazing our own new path.

And I went boldly forward without an ounce of fear or hesitation.  But in reality we were in a city park.  I knew that no matter which way we went we would eventually end up on a street or at the freeway.  There was no way to really get lost.  There was never any danger besides a twisted ankle or vegetation scrapes.  The latter of which the one sporting the mini shorts did get. 

We started through a part of the park we knew was cleared.  Then we set off through the uncleared part which took us into a beautiful and well maintained path that circled through the entire inner park.  We meandered around it, following a stream that led to a waterfall.  Then as we got to the exit it once again got into rough terrain but we could clearly see the street, in the not to far off distance. 

——-

And I really hope that’s a metaphor for my life.  Boldly going forward, unafraid, taking chances and being paid off with a beautiful adventure that does clear to a safe path that I can transverse freely and confidently; enjoying all there is to see and experience. 

Some photos for you.  This is my thin mint. She’s gorgeous inside and out.  So proud of this creature.  And no I didn’t lay in the ground to take this picture of her.  She’s a selfie master.  And I also don’t mean the slug.  That thing was thicc though; and at least 7″ long.  😉🤣

———

I’m having sex this weekend.  Pretty sure.  At least those have been the plans I’ve made.   I think we can all safely guess who with.   Is it playing with fire?  Maybe.  But I feel very clear with the things I am trying to pursue in my life right now and I have no intention of letting anything or anyone derail me.  I’m plotting my options: a, b and c. and going forward boldly.

My dad told me last night.  Don’t make an emotional decision when it comes to where to live.  Don’t stay somewhere out of stubbornness.  If my path doesn’t clear where I am then I need to find a new path and maybe a new location and that’s ok.  He told me I need to follow the path that leads to a better life for myself, regardless of where that may be.  

He was very reassuring.  He told me I had his full support and even hinted at financial help if needed.  Which I won’t hold him too, since I know his wife isn’t on board.  But it was nice to know in his heart he means it even if in actuality it isn’t quite feasible.   We are getting very close emotionally and that’s a connection we haven’t had since I was very young and idolized him unconditionally.  It’s sad that it took my mother dying to get here but I am grateful for it none the less. 

I have to be a bit careful though. My father is a very methodical person and tends to keep people in his orbit who he can exploit in some fashion, that he can have a net gain with. He sees relationships as tools for his convenience, and has no issue using people. So although I do trust him I still have to follow my own intuition and inner guidance. But it is nice having his support and feeling his love and his deep understanding of me and my situation.

And that’s the same thing Brad gives me: a deep feeling of being cared for and looked after. It feels good to have that back in my life even if only on a very informal, lover type capacity.

Oh….. and breaking news. I stalked that guy I went on a date with the other night. I’ve never stalked or googled anyone that I wasn’t in a relationship with already. It was harmless. I just looked him up on Facebook and Google. He has almost no virtual presence. I did learn his address and took a look at his house. I saw there was a second name on the title, a females name. There wasn’t much else to see.

It struck me as funny. Why does he have me so intrigued? He isn’t my type at all. I don’t know why I care? Maybe this is me just trying to corroborate his story. Is he who he says he is? In all earnestness you just never know. Men go as far as adamantly claiming they are single when they are very much not. But the thing is, I’ve never cared all that much before. Not enough to Google anyone at least.

I’m curious as to why I care? And I have the suspicion it may be because he doesn’t bend to my will. Which is quite the bad character trait of mine. I think it points to me running towards trouble instead of staying clear of it. It points to me enjoying challenges when I’ve been trying to tell myself that my love life should not be difficult. I keep telling myself that I want a man that cedes to me and yet here I am stalking a man that clearly doesn’t. Confounded. Here I am doing one thing and saying another again. I hate being a hypocrite, wishy washy or not standing behind my words.

And I really hate when I don’t put my own best interest at the forefront. Maybe this is my clue to step away from this. But am I going to do that? 😒 I’m afraid that may not be likely. But isn’t courtship a game of push and pull?

It is a game I enjoy playing. But I don’t need a challenge. Do I? It’s just such a strange approach he has to this whole thing that has me perplexed and I’m very intrigued.

But at the same time, I’m not going to dinner again. If we can’t agree on a much more fun outing then I’m not interested. And I still have to gauge how much of what he has said so far is true. Because you can’t really take people at their word. Can you? Just what exactly is he trying to pull with this whole plutonic dates thing? How utterly boring. What’s he trying to prove? What is his goal with that? So curious I am.

Well…… lots on the agenda today. Gotta get started. Enjoy your day my lovelies ❣️

❤️‍🔥🙏🏽🌎🌈💋

  

Call me old fashioned….

but I think they need to learn proper behavior.  I’m not saying they necessarily want to.  I’m not saying they will take it well or learn easily.  I’m not saying it won’t be kicking and screaming.  But men need to learn how to behave properly.

And I’m more than happy to teach a man how to behave properly; especially when it comes to his behavior towards me and even more so if we are in a relationship together.  Do I wish men knew already how to behave?  God yes!  Is that a common thing men already know and do well?  No, sadly no…..not so.

Then add to that deception, infidelity, monetary infidelity, on and on.  Now I will grant you that women can be just as deceptive and disloyal. 

But in general most men really, truly, just don’t seem to know how to behave.  They can usually fake it pretty well when they feel the need to.  But put a man in an environment where he feels untouchable and watch who he really is. 

———–

This is why I need a man that understands real devotion, real transparency, real intimacy, real adoration. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever find such a man. A man that can cede to me because he loves me, because he knows who I am and what I need to thrive in this world, a man who is wanting to support me emotionally, mentally, and all other ways possible; a man who puts me first; before his ego, before societal constructs, before anything and anyone else.

But that sounds so unfathomable, that this kind of man exists, that this kind of relationship exists, that I could chance on finding this kind of happiness.

I’ve peeked into so many fascinating worlds in so many realms: mostly thinking spiritually and kink. But still. I have learned about, seen, felt, experienced some wonderful and wild things. The breath of our creativity, as humans, is astounding. The breath of life, the universe and everything, all it contains is even more astounding. Think of all the things we understand, the things we take for granted, the things we have no comprehension of and the things we don’t even know exist.

It’s impossible to not feel insignificant and yet also like we are part of something so much bigger than what’s just in front of us. It’s amazing that we have a chance in this life to experience, see, understand, as much as we can and then poof….. no one knows for sure. A new beginning, a final end, it’s all conjecture.

But I hold out hope. I hold out hope for something that I feel exists. It’s this same feeling I get when I think of Divinity. It’s this feeling of something extraordinarily beautiful and overflowing with so much love and happiness.

There is this intense sense of belonging, of having a deep connection, of knowing you are cherished, of knowing you have a safe harbor from whatever the world throws at you. I know God is this already, but it would be such a blessing to have one person be that here in an earthly fashion.

It’s been my longest wanted dream. Maybe it’s me or maybe it is not easily had here in this current reality, in the way this world works. Maybe it isn’t even healthy to be so enmeshed with one person. Maybe I do need to step outside the narrow frame of a man, or just one person.

I don’t know.

How does one get rid of a lifelong quest, a lifelong dream, a lifelong fantasy? Does one ever? I suppose there would be the stages of grief to deal with.

But….. it’s ok. I don’t plan on finding out I plan on having too much fun exploring the world to have time to worry about these answers.

——–

And I love men. We all know how much I love men. I’m just stirring the pot a little maybe. Pots need to be stirred sometimes. I think we could all lighten up a little more. I’m really not trying to take any pot shots. I really do adore men. But honestly, some men, a lot of men do need to learn authenticity, empathy and knowing their own place better (spiritually).

Just because you can bully someone, just because you can be mean to someone or abuse/use someone without consequence, just because you can get ahead by throwing people under the bus, and so many more horrible situations doesn’t mean you should.

And, of course, this goes for women too. I shouldn’t even have to say that but I will for clarification. Lol

Alright. Goodnight. I’m tired.💤💋🙏🏽

All out war

I’m in an all out war with my mortgage company. I caught them doing some underhanded accounting. This could even potentially be a class action suit, but my pocketbook and my lawyer are not so inclined.

And of course their people are rude and uncaring. I tried to explain the issue calmly and asked for an adjustment on their charges. But no….they had to get all defensive, tell me I was wrong. That I had no idea what I was talking about. They, of course are defending their jobs. Which I get. But I’m defending my house. They can get another job. I can not magically get back all I’ve invested in this house to get a new one. So I’m fighting this out until the end.

That’s why I made sure I was right to begin with. I went to a forensic accountant. They sent me to a mortgage lender. She sent me to the attorney. And along the way everyone including my own housing counselor said I was right. It took charts, and many, multiple explanations to get everyone to see what I was trying to say. But once they did they were all on board. I am right. And the mortgage company doesn’t just get to double dip on principal and get away with it. No matter how small that amount may be.

So I’ve retained said lawyer. Which is good because I just closed my relationship with the other lawyer, regarding my moms autopsy. Maybe this is the year of me not giving in to these forces that are trying to squelch me. This is the year I stand up to them. No matter how big or menacing they may be.

Fortunately my lawyer says it’s pretty cut and dry and once we get the amortization I can easily prove what I’m saying and they have to make the adjustments. Theoretically shouldn’t cost me much money for him to just look this over and send a letter demanding the correct accounting be done.

The lawyer said that this program I’m in hasn’t been around more than a few years. But still, how many hundreds of people fell into it and possibly got swindled out of millions of dollars (accumulatively), if not much more. All because they could. All because no one was going to complain when they got to keep their house and the mortgage company came in with monumentally hefty fees to “save the day” and let people keep their homes.

I’m sure no one sat up late at night like I did crunching the numbers and seeing an issue with it. They were too busy getting a good night’s rest under the roof they were no longer going to be losing.

But I won’t back down. This isn’t always a good thing. It has cost me relationships, friendships, working ties, and more. But since I learned to use my voice and make my opinions and desires known I haven’t wanted to subdue it. Call me a Karen I guess. One on one I usually give strangers the benefit of the doubt. Because what do I care, not likely to matter in the long run. But long term relationships and large corporations do not get the benefit of the doubt.

Here me roar assholes. I’m coming for you!

I’m so poly curious

Ok.  So I reneged on my “no social media” edict today and lurked on Buzzfeed for an hour.  I came across this article on different people’s experiences with being polyamorous.

If anything it just made me much more curious about it. I think regardless of where I end up; leaving or staying in Portland, I’ll try my hand at this. I mean, why not? It makes the most sense to me. It truly does. Get my needs filled by multiple partners; love and enjoy multiple people. I’m pretty sure this would be much healthier for me and I’m absolutely sure more fun. Much more fun!

Ruthless Bitch

I’m getting into this mindset where I really don’t want to budge with men.  And I’m being rather ruthless about it.  Is it merited?  Maybe so, maybe no.  Regardless, it is so much fun….. for me.  And it’s so liberating.  To just not care. 

The Tibetan man texted me.  He wants to see me again this week.  He wants to take me out to dinner again.  I said I wanted to go to his house and teach him how to kiss.  He said he wanted to wait a few more dates to feel comfortable with that.  I told him I have no intentions of falling in love with him, and that I just wanted to have fun.  He insisted on more plutonic dates.  Men!!  Offer them one thing and they always want what’s not on the table.  Lol

I haven’t decided what to do with him yet.  And my generous dom from yesterday messaged me this morning, wanting more. And my ex sprang back around wanting to see me again.  Seems to be raining men, but while fun and entertaining I’m not anxious to do anything.  I’m happy just having options in the world.  And this is without me even trying all that much.  Which is even nicer. 

I’m not going to put any stock into any of this.  I’m just going to keep having fun.  Life is too short to seek anything less than authenticity and joy. Know what I mean?  We all just need to find our own roads there.

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🤗💋

School Girl Adventure – XXX

She put on her plaid miniskirt. She tied her tits up tight and put on her crisp white collared shirt, leaving it open. She slid on her knee high socks. She threw on her flat black school shoes. Red lips finished off the look.

She put on an oversized sweater and headed to his house. The rules had been laid. He wasn’t to get undressed. No cock unveiling whatsoever. But if he could get her to orgasm she would maybe let him jerk off on her. She brought her own vibrator. Her favorite: old faithful.

She was nervous. But he started with soft, passionate kisses, then he led her to his bedroom and undressed her. He left her naked except for her tied tits. He put her on her stomach and proceeded to massage her legs and ass. Dripping massage oil down into her cheeks and massaging the oil into her clit. She lifted her hips off of the bed moaning softly. She was enjoying the sensation of his hands rubbing her body.

He turned her onto her back and proceeded to kiss her and play with her pussy. She was so wet. He plunged a finger in and she bucked when he located her g-spot. She moaned loudly and he stopped abruptly. “I don’t want you cumming just yet” he said.

And he continued to play with her. Pinching and biting her nipples. At one point turning her back over to smack her ass repeatedly. She involuntarily bucked her hips, spreading her legs, inviting him in. He slapped between her legs a few times and then plunged his tongue deep into her asshole. She squealed as he kept eating her ass, her hips gyrating as she moaned loudly.

Then he turned her back over and asked her to use her vibrator. He watched her intensely, seeing her own hands work the bullet into her clit in a rhythmic fashion. Pulling it away and then pressing it firm, pulling it away and then targeting the clit directly; over and over. He told her to let her know when she was about to cum, when she was at a 9.

Soon she reached that point and he immediately told her to stop. She moaned in frustration. She was so wet and turned on. She wanted to cum. He zero’d in on her breasts again. Biting and pinching them voraciously. He ran his nails up and down her inner thighs. Not enough to leave marks but enough to cause a lasting sensation on her skin.

She was building up again. He told her to turn her vibrator back on and when she got to a 9 he told her to cum. She tried. She even asked him to help with his fingers on her g-spot and the sensations and desire was intense, but she couldn’t cum and she was getting more and more frustrated. So she stopped entirely.

He asked her if she wanted to cuddle. She laughed. “‘I’m not really an after sex cuddler and I didn’t cum”. She said. “What about after care?” He asked earnestly trying to figure her out. “That’s only if I had a session of extreme pain or I’m deep into subspace”. She said reassuring him that he did great and everything went better than she had even expected.

She wasn’t surprised she couldn’t cum. She still needed to be more comfortable with him. She hadn’t cum with someone she hadn’t been in love with in a very long time. Her emotions were more deeply intertwined with her sexuality than it had ever been before. So this was new territory for her. She was using this experience to see where she was. Was this type of relationship even possible?

She was out the door in under 5 minutes. She wanted to get home and finish what they had started. And she wasn’t sure how she was feeling with the whole thing. I mean, yes, it had been a lot of fun. She got a great tactile fix. She knew from his questions and behavior that she was right in thinking she could trust him to do as they had agreed. True to his word his penis never came out. Nor did he ask or make any suggestions about it. It was if his penis was never part of the game at all.

And that was quite fun indeed.


So as you’ve probably gathered this is not fiction. And….. so now what?

Well….

I know now that even with this kind of play I still need real emotion. I need real feelings. Even if it isn’t monogamous or a defined commitment or any sort of happily ever after, the driving mechanism for me really giving myself over to sex is love, affection, adoration. Simply put, it’s something much deeper than two strangers just bumping uglies because they can and it feels good. I need a real connection.

But I did have a great time. Guess I need to start interviewing potential play partners. Find something with real emotion. Or several relationships with real emotion. Because why not?* Lol❤️‍🔥

🤤😈⛓️💋

*after I figure out if I’m even staying in Portland much longer.

Clarifying my sexual needs

So I’m coming to the conclusion (once again) that I want a dominant and a submissive and may still also date vanilla men. But I think I also want to go on a few dates with women. I want to see what that’s like. I want to understand that dynamic better. I want to experience that.

But all these desires need to come from me. In other words I’m not going to settle for someone that isn’t appealing to me to just fulfill a need. No matter how perfect they may be at their given role.

If I take getting married off the table then I can do as I damn well please. I don’t have to think about any future judgement. And I much prefer this road. It’s liberating. It’s joyous. It’s fulfilling.

So…. first things first; I need to figure out if I will sell the house or not. The possible job in Utah is progressing too. They are talking about flying me out for a test run. Work a few days and see if I like the clinic, see if they like me, see if I like Utah. Doesn’t mean I have to sell my house though. I can rent it out. That’s an option. There are just so many moving parts right now.

So many decisions to make. But at least the pressure of finding a “happily ever after” isn’t one of them. It’s such a relief really. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still a very pleasant fantasy. But not having to hold myself to anyone else’s standards is best for me. Doing as I please. Not worrying about anyone’s perception of my sex life is a breath of fresh air.

I can sleep with a million men if I want to. I don’t. But I can. It’s my prerogative. It’s my choice. Ain’t life grand❣️

😈🤤⛓️💋