Mistressg3 (fiction?)

She had arrived at the club 20 minutes early. She settled in to the scene and swayed to the beat of the dance music as she picked some offerings from the buffet. They generally had good food at this particular sex club. But then again it is Portland, where isn’t there good food?

The bouncer came to her just after she had gotten a few mouthfuls in. He told her that her guest had arrived. She wondered if he was anxious or diligent and decided to reserve her punishment for much later when she garnered more information. Punctuality was appreciated but she had wanted those ten minutes to herself and even though she was still intent on taking them, she wanted to prove her point.

She had been talking to this man on FetLife quite a bit and he was so desirous to please her and play with her “in any capacity”, he kept saying. She decided out of the blue earlier in the week to give him a shot. She told him to meet her here at precisely 10pm. He paid her door fee, but otherwise she didn’t collect her $500 per evening.

She had made him jump through enough hoops to get here. She had tested his patience, his humor, his compassion, his demeanor, his intelligence. He had not only passed her expectations with his online persona but surpassed it with his wit and charm and more importantly his reverential persistence.

He wasn’t bad looking either. He wasn’t going to be on the cover of GQ, but there was definitely something intriguing and sexy about him. He was coquettish too and well…. he had her more enticed than she had felt in a very long time.

Still, no one gets a free pass. He had said anything and she had a world of subspace waiting to test him out. He had dabbled and most of his relationships seemed to fall in line with an FLR (Female Led Relationship). Still, he seemed green to her and she assessed that his body was very delicate. She wondered how this would go.

She took a few bites more, even more calmly than she would have before his arrival. Wiped her mouth gently, put on a fresh coat of lipstick and strode towards the front door at just the indicated time. He could not get in without her so he had no choice but to wait for her. He saw her approach and his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning and she knew this was going to be fun. She stifled a laugh.

“Come” she said holding out her hand before he could say a thing. He grabbed on and followed clumsily, holding the duffle bag she had asked him to bring. In it he stuffed all the sex toys he had, which were not very many at all. Then he added anything around the house that could be used as a toy. He tried to stay to the more obvious ones but he did pack a few surprises. He wondered what she would think.

She was more beautiful than he had even seen from her pictures. Her smile mesmerized him completely. It was a smile he knew was meant only for him and he wanted that moment of happiness to last forever, or at least all night.

As soon as they got to the main dance area she stopped abruptly and turned to face him standing a mere inch from him. Though he was taller than her, even with her 5″ heels, her Dominance felt as if she completely towered over him. He gulped.

“Give me your bag, get on all fours and follow me quickly to a private room so I can have my way with you. I don’t want a word or sound out of you. Do you understand?”

He gulped again. What in the world had he gotten himself into and how was this sweet and fascinating black eyed girl so menacing and seductive at the same time? He didn’t hesitate for one moment. He handed her the bag gently but quickly. Then got on all fours and even bowed for good measure. He couldn’t explain even to himself how this not only didn’t bother him but actually turned him on.

He wondered if anyone saw the bulge in his pants. He was so hard that the pain of the crawl was so intense it didn’t let any anxiousness cross his mind. This was very unlike him.

The walk went fast and soon she stopped, pulled him up by the collar of his shirt and grabbing him by the belt buckle pulled him into the room. There was nothing more than a bed with clean sheets on it and a side table with condoms and other quick necessities; tissues, wipes, lube. There was also one dimly lit wall sconce and a window with the drapes pulled shut that faced a hallway anyone could and would walk through.

She unbuckled his pants.

“I don’t want you to get too excited. We aren’t having sex. If you are very lucky, and I don’t see the chances good here, you will maybe be allowed to lick my pussy. But I am going to use your body for my sadistic pleasure of extreme pain and maybe, but again only if you’re really lucky and I really like what I see here tonight, I’ll let you take me to dinner one night next week.”.

She couldn’t help but laugh. Not just at the great fun this was but also at the noticeable bulge in his pants, which she quickly slapped. He winced.

“I will let you get undressed to your comfort level, I’m sure that will help your little friend here out a bit.”

She leaned back against the wall with her arms crossed as if she were a warden from a black and white movie. It sent shivers down his spine. He can’t remember ever being so turned on before. Once he was naked she examined him up and down, even walked around him like a drill sargent. She was so intense and passionate. He realized he was actually afraid she was going to really hurt him somehow. He was pretty sure he was thinking only his body, or was it also his heart? He shivered slightly.

But he didn’t mutter a word or make a sound, just as she asked, but he couldn’t help but grin at her. This was just a game, after all. For a split second she broke character and smiled back at him lovingly and that’s all he needed to feel momentarily safe again. Then she abruptly had him turn around facing the wall with his legs spread and his arms on the wall.

“Holy shit” he thought to himself. “What is she going to do to me?”.

He could hear her rummaging in his bag. She squealed with delight at a few things and he knew he had done well. He drew in a deep long breath. He was having so much fucking fun. Like actual fun, like the kind of fun you had as an innocent kid when you were just winging it. But his dick was also showing signs of deep interest. It made him chuckle softly and smile and then just as suddenly it hit him in a wave.

He was glad he was holding on to the wall. His senses kicked in to deep overdrive. Every sensation felt like ecstacy and the anticipation was its own tantalizing torture. And when she took the whip to his bare ass in that exact moment he knew he was hers. He had to have her; all of her…. her attention, her happiness, her anything and everything all at once. He wanted so desperately at that moment to do nothing but please her.

She reached between his legs to feel his dick and laughed. He was delirious with desire and he didn’t care even why she laughed, he was just joyous to be the cause. She was truly enjoying delivering this mindfuckery of fun, with pain and pleasure so deeply intermingled that one got lost to which was which.

She quickly and repeatedly slapped his face hard with the dildo he had packed in the bag. It was dense and it stung quite a bit. He wondered if it would leave redness or a mark. At this moment he really didn’t care beyond mere curiosity, he was happy to wear any marks she gave him.

It wasn’t until she put it in his mouth and told him to get it as wet as he could that he knew what was coming. He wondered if he would cum. He also wondered if she would be mad if he did.

It was all such a beautiful headspace for him. He wondered what it would be to crash from this kind of natural high. He wanted to laugh but it’s all he could do not to choke as she slapped his ass and thighs hard, digging her fingernails into his flesh while pounding his asshole with the dildo.

He was trying not to cum and maybe she sensed his body tensing because she stopped abruptly, turned him around and brought him to his knees in a swift few motions. She then pulled up her skirt and pushed his head deep into her groin. He could tell she was already panting with desire before he even started.

She wasn’t wearing any underwear under her short leather skirt so access was easy. Plus she had her right leg propped on the side table. So he could easily maneuver deep inside. He grabbed her completely around the waist and pulled her into him. He gnawed at her clit and sucked lightly, using his chin and nose to get all up into her deepest, wettest spots. She quivered. He was sure this was not part of how she had wanted to play. She seemed to want to keep her composure the entirety of it all. But her body and desire betrayed her.

Her juices started pouring and he lapped them up like his life depended on it. She tasted sweet and tart like a key lime pie. Or like a woman who injests a lot of lemon in her diet. ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪĢ

———-
I’m so stoned. I’d like to live in stonelandia. Where things get done on an ass needed basis, where everyone pitches in. Where people don’t fuck each other over just because they can and/or want to. I’d love to live there every day. And if I can’t make the world that way I want it, I can at least make me that way. Screw it. Whatever comes, comes. I am just trying to be legit. Legitimately me. Lol. These are the ideals I live by, but I’m not perfect. And I guess that’s the irony and the consolation in this life. No one is.

———–

(I wrote this all last night, proof read it this morning and have added nothing except this paragraph. Maybe I’ll finish it later, maybe you can finish it for me.)💋💋💋

This is the end ðŸ’”

I was depositing a check today and noticed that the extra account that Brad had linked to his account (kind of like a floater account between us so that he could easily give me money) was gone. Now obviously this is the natural progression of a break-up.

I knew it was coming. It’s only logical. It’s a good sign, right? It’s a step towards uncoupling. It’s not out of left field. It speaks to acceptance on his part and in a weird way also lets me know he is ok. He is doing the things he needs to be doing. And honestly he barely even used it.

But it still stung a bit to see it gone. It just reminds me how lonely I am. But lonely is ok. Lonely is manageable. Miserable is another thing altogether and I’m not that. At least.

—–

This is also the end for my drinking. I absolutely can’t drink anymore. I wish I could. I’d love to. Absolutely love to, but it’s a crutch I can’t use. And I just have to accept it once and for all. 2019. This is my break-up year. Officially. Goodbye my old friend. The end.

Intentions and true love

I quite often have a hard time understanding people’s intentions. I can sense their emotions. I can sense their next move sometimes, but I can’t always understand the why of it. Judy says it’s because people like her and I always look for the best in everyone.

But I also think that I don’t much care about the why. I find, very often, that people themselves don’t understand why they act/react the way they do. They usually don’t have a clear picture of the entire situation either, even when it comes to themselves. Although it is also true that I truly don’t like to judge people. I prefer to simply stay neutral or focus on the positive.

Realistically though, I’ll probably never get good at understanding this interesting aspect of human psychology. For even when people tell me what they think another’s intentions are it always feels suspect or tainted by their own experiences or POV. Not to say it’s always wrong but it isn’t always right either. So I’ll have to keep mutteling through this life with no idea why people do the things they do.

But, fortunately, what this does afford me is the luxury of not taking things personal; even when sometimes they are. Because I don’t have to. I just have to deal with whatever is presented in the best way possible and not taking it personal lets me handle it however I deem appropriate as opposed to taking into account how they want and expect me to react. I don’t need to even consider that most times; because it doesn’t feel relevant and I’m not just going to go assuming things. So there is that and that seems good to me.

Although to be fair this also works conversely. I don’t always know when someone is going out of their way to be nice to me or do something special for me. I try but again without understanding people’s intentions all I can do is react how it seems fit at the moment and not necessarily in the way people expect of me. Oh well.

This is me being me and I like that about myself. ðŸĪŠðŸĪĢ💋

——

The ripe age of 46 seems a silly time to be thinking of falling in love. But I am who I am and I think how I think and I don’t see why not. It’s like giving myself permission to dream a wonderful dream. Or like playing the lottery. A lot of people, I’m sure correctly, see it as frivolous; a waste of time, energy and money. Yet it lets one contemplate a life one doesn’t have. It let’s one dream of a new beginning. One that comes and sweeps you away effortlessly, spontaneously and all encompassing. And how could that be bad?

I never want to lose hope. I never want to stop dreaming. I don’t think my dreams stop me from participating fully in my life. They don’t stop me from doing what I need to do and moving forward in reality. I do know the difference. Lol. But dreaming makes it all more bearable and lets me see a different story, a different path, a happy tomorrow. Who doesn’t want that? Plus….. sometimes dreams come true. 💋ðŸĨ°ðŸ™ðŸ―

That wasn’t too bad

It felt rocky there for a while. I’m feeling so much better now though. Starting a new job I think I’ll finally be able to tolerate. Been getting back into an exercise routine. Put up the Christmas lights and decorations. Starting up on some home projects that have been looming since summer. I’m feeling more like myself again.

It’s funny how much of yourself you lose when you get into a relationship. It’s such a gradual shift over time you never even notice. At least I didn’t. Now that I am focusing back into myself I am noticing what I gave up. No complaints. It was not all in vain. I went through some things I had to go through to learn lessons I never knew I needed and I had plenty of fun along the way as well. No regrets.

But I don’t want to have that happen again. One of my clients the other day was talking about loyalty. In his mind he equated it with monogamy but they are obviously not the same thing. It got me to thinking though that my next partner does indeed have to be completely loyal to me. In the sense of loyal to my very being; loyal to who I am, what I love, my vision for my (our) life. Loyal to me above all else, because I don’t see a point to it otherwise.

I think I’ve always compromised too much of myself and that stops now. But in order for me to expect such a thing from someone else I must first demand it from myself. And that, that right there is the true crux of the matter. Now isn’t it?

But, this storm is settling down a bit and I’m quite happy about that. Maybe it will come back. Maybe this is just a small respite. Whatever it is I’ll take it. It’s funny how just sitting with my emotions, not reacting to them, not judging, not giving myself a hard time about it, not expecting anything to happen, just letting them be however they wanted to, let it come and go rather easily and without any additional issues springing up. So I was a bit sad. Maybe I still am, but I feel the fog lifting.

I’m ok. I feel good right now. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

True Introvert

Which is funny because I genuinely, truly like people; but that doesn’t negate that I am also very introverted. I thought this was funny.

And yes that’s The Dude from The Big Lebowski and yes I can absolutely relate to this, although I’m not quite sure who all the other dudes are, so I’m going off feel… but yep, it feels about right.

Dinner. Organic tenderloin sauteed with onions and mushrooms and homemade french fries. Not an every day fare but still so lovely, especially on a day like this. Enough for two, all for under $15. Life is grand sometimes. I get immense pleasure from the little things. I hope that never changes.

âĢïļðŸĨ°ðŸ’‹ðŸ™ðŸ―💖🌟

Shoot myself in the foot, infinite power/control

I have this amazing ability to shoot myself in the foot. Sometimes it’s just a way for me to walk away; knowing I didn’t leave a return path. It’s my way of making that an absolute point of no return in my life. So I tear down the water tower, burn the bridge, create a mote, stuff it full of piranha and walk away as fast as I can without looking back.

And then I can remember all the great things I loved about it there. I can let myself dream the best dreams I wanted to come true about that time, because I know it’s over and I don’t have to look or live the bad parts anymore, ever again. That’s all been done; no need to revisit that part. Those lessons have hopefully been learned and we are moving on.

Sometimes it doesn’t take shooting myself in the foot because I’m ready to go but sometimes I become comfortable, even in the misery. And it’s in moments of clarity I do what needs to be done to keep growing, to keep moving forward towards where I really want to be in life and not just settle for whatever comes at me.

One day I hope these things align so I don’t have to keep going to such extremes to get out of somewhere I let myself be in the first place. I mean it doesn’t really seem to make much sense if I look at it that way. Does it? And also… I really like my feet.

———

The times when I’ve felt most closely aligned to divinity, source, God, life energy, whatever anyone wants to call it… is when I’ve stepped out of my own ego and neurosis long enough to just flow with life. Like those athletes that say that everything just aligned and time seemed to slow down and everything flowed perfectly into place. Like that pretty much; which is a severe under-representation of the actuality of it, but hopefully is somewhat illustrative of what I am trying to talk about.

It’s when I am just living; with no judgement, no fear, no prejudice, no expectation; when I am completely open… heart and mind. It is being in the flow of whatever is happening, whether that be a torrent, a mist or a sun filled esplanade. It’s the most difficult, easy thing we can probably do in this life and it adds genuine beauty, truth and real, actual valor to this scenery, more than anything else one can do…..and yet…

ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪ”ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļ

Sadness?

I’ll be fine. I don’t give myself options on that. I just keep going; doing what needs to be done. It’s not that I’m on the brink of collapse. I don’t know what that looks like, to be honest. It’s no where near suicidal and I have that as the lowest benchmark I’ve ever hit. So I at least know that much.

I’m just a bit sad maybe, a tiny bit lethargic in general but still persuing personal goals. Not with as much zeal as someone might hope but not hopeless at all either. I’m feeling in between feelings. Like a void of feelings almost. It doesn’t feel like denial or avoidance more so just an indifference to everything. Like I don’t have the energy to feel anything right now. I have the energy to act though; and the emotions will come. I’m not worried; although this is a bit new to me. I’m usually very emotional. So it’s an interesting state to be in and that does intrigue me somewhat.

So I’m still me, only a very subdued version at the current moment. Which doesn’t feel good or bad. It doesn’t feel like much of anything at all beyond a mere fact of the matter of just being whatever it is.

And that’s ok.

———-

I’m not looking to be rescued, although tht does sound like a dreamy way to go. But…… deep down don’t we all just want to be loved. Simple. So simple. Ridiculously simple. And yet……..

I need to get over this childish idea. Don’t I? Seems the logical thing to do. It even feels like following my own dreams and path may lead me to where my dreams come true. But this road has been so hard. Rewarding on a spiritual and personal growth level but so very fucking hard too. Do I give up? Do I just forget about it. Refocus. I try. I do try.

And then I let myself fall back into the heavenly landscape of wonder, desire and fulfilment that I can loose myself into. Maybe the longing is my real companion here. Lol 💋. Is that sad?