I’m really not into feeling sorry for myself

Generally speaking, I’m not into it; it’s just not productive. We all have our melodramas. We all have our issues.

Now that’s not to say I don’t get tired, mad, frustrated, sad, and feel every emotion there is to feel in this lifetime. Today has been difficult and tonight I’m sure as hell gonna let myself have one hell of a cryfest. On these kind of days I do let myself have a lot of self condolences.

But it’s just my stance that feeling pity for myself is usually far too self-indulgent. There are much better ways to spend that time and energy than self absorbed in my own emotions.

Far better. And there are always those suffering much more, enduring much more, with much more heartache and with fewer recourses. People that are vulnerable and choiceless and suffering greatly with absolutely no support. So who am I to bitch about my paltry suffering?

Sylvia says I am allowed. So I allow it, once in a while. Once every few months or so. I am definitively feeling like it tonight. But I like to cry not just for myself but for the entire world. I like to cry for all of us, because the suffering of one is the suffering of all and even though I feel I can’t take much more on…….doesn’t mean I can’t help relieve some of that tension by letting that deep sorrow out.

Sometimes nothing feels as deeply cleansing as a big giant cry party.

Resources allocated disproportionately

In this life, it seems that, unfortunately the world’s resources are not allocated evenly. This doesn’t even take into account the thievery of people, sects, religions, and nation’s.

Is it someone’s fault where they are born? Who they are born to? What color their skin is? What genetics they have? What sexual orientation they gravitate towards?

Is it someone’s right to exploit the priviledges they were born into or acquired?

Who’s fault is it that “more is more” and “me and mine” seems to be applauded and reinforced? Who’s fault is it that when people gain advantages and prominence it doesn’t generally translate into using that position to help humanity as a whole?

I don’t know. I can’t say.

All I know is it is wrong.

So how do we fix it? If these issues seem so systemic and continually propagated; in some deranged idea that it will somehow eventually work. Obviously people that this system benefits see little cause for changing it; and people that see its errors can’t seem to come to a consensus of how to change it.

So what is one to do? Someone who deeply cares about life’s bullshit. Someone who is tired of watching the world smoldering to shit?

You start; where you are, doing what you can. We are all capable of changing people’s lives. We are all capable of making a real difference in this world. However that can happen. There are always opportunities to help the world be a better place. The one caveat is that it is always best to help in the way that is needed instead of imposing our judgement, restrictions and expectations. And if you can’t understand that concept than maybe you need to start by working on your own heart first.

For fucks sake…. it don’t pay to be broke.

Yes I know things can always get worse, but I so didnt expect this. The Oregon department of revenue came in and cleared my entire banking account. No joke. These fuckers don’t care that I’m a single mom. That I have bills to pay and food to put on the table. They cleared every penny. I don’t even owe them that much. I was simply trying to figure out my mortgage situation first. I had no intention of not paying. I wanted to renegotiate the terms is all.

Being poor in this country is such a life sentence. You can’t crawl out from under it. Just when you think you’ve got your bearings…… high fees, higher interest rates, penalties, garnishments, etc. come to get the little you have. Everyone…. literally almost everyone penalizes you for having bad credit and/or being poor.

I want to cry but whatever. I can’t even process it right now. Thank God I bought groceries yesterday. As far as my credit card payment this month who the hell knows. As far as gas in my car I think I have enough to at least make it to work today.

They did this today though. The bank let them clear my account and it’s on hold today; on a Saturday? I can’t even call the government offices until Monday.

Fucking savages!!!!

How is this even legal…. to not leave a fucking penny there for someone? I’m not a criminal. I’m poor!! Poor is NOT A CRIME!! But I guess my point is in this country it may as well be.

Poverty truly is a crime against humanity.

Maybe Trump wants to be fired

I’m not saying I don’t like a few things he’s done and said. Sometimes he actually makes sense. But he seems far too corporate friendly and let’s not talk about how ego driven he is. Plus he behaves like an asshole who seems to have no scruples and very little brain power, considering how many businesses he’s filed bankruptcy for (shady that some of them have been and then the tax evasions). As an entrepreneur and as an optimist I understand this mentality to some degree, but not at the point you’re just swindling people.

But hey I’ve been trying to avoid some of my taxes too, except mine has been for actual survival reasons, where for him it’s more like mad money. He just likes to play the game and his seems a “winner take all” kind of thing. I mean who is fascinated by dictators more than other dictators?


What I don’t get is…. why does England still pay for the Royal Family. That to me seems so odd. Like that’s the most awesome retirement plan that those people got. Is there a lottery system for that? Lol. JK. Meghan Markle can keep her dreamily handsome, sweet prince. I’d only want that kind of money and popularity if it could be used my way (for the good of the world), not just the propping up of these glorified people and wierd traditions.


Anyway. Maybe Trump is tired of all of this and is just wondering what he has to do to skirt that line between being fired but not going to jail? Lol. I’m just kidding. Is he even smart enough to pull that off? Is he some genius and we don’t know it? That would be way too hard for me to believe really. But who knows. His actions most definitely are distracting and circus oriented, cringe inducing even sometimes. Who knows what’s behind the smoke and mirrors. I don’t put much past the forces in charge.

We don’t tend to find out some truths for decades, if even then maybe; before the government admits to the behinds the scenes things. But the drama still plays out. Doesn’t it?

As far as governments and armies seem to concerned, it’s just like a big game of war. Just fucking come clean already. Learn to fucking get along. All of you, everyone. Why can’t we???

We have but ONE world, we are but ONE single entity, one people.

One world order? 1984?

I don’t know. I don’t really care. I do know that if we all just swept up our own side of the sidewalk (or preferably) and also helped each other out more, really cared, really lent a hand, really opened our hearts….this world would shift exponentially to a higher level of being.

But who knows?

Poor Trumpy. Maybe he needs more golf days? Those tweets don’t write themselves, do they? That would be funny if they did. What a weird ass age we live in where so much seems to be make believe. If that’s not cause enough to make you live and love more with your heart and not your mind I’m not sure what would be. Opening up our hearts gives one no real choice really but to feel deep love mixed in with pain. But it’s worth it. To me it seems worth it.


I personally don’t know the moment death will come for me. I’m hoping not for a very long time. Like 1,111 years total to be precise. Lol

But until that time I want to live as happily as absolutely possible. That’s gotta start now, right here, each moment afresh, renewed; with endless possibilities allowed. This I truly believe. Beyond all beginnings and endings.

If I can’t live that now, under these circumstances, then what point is it even thinking it’s possible anywhere else, at any other time? What’s the point of going to a Buddhist retreat? Can’t live there your whole life. Gotta venture into the big outdoors of all of life eventually and learn to live with it all.

Not that it doesn’t sound wonderful. An off the grid Oasis, where you can live a life of simple happy oblivion. The problems of the world touch every single part of this planet though and beyond; so beyond that even. We are so interconnected. I wish we all understood how deeply true that is.

Love Contest

I decided…… because I love big grandiose decisions.

I have decided…….

That as soon as the last chick flees the nest, which is no time soon, if I have not found a love, or a love I am satisfied with and we are mutually , genuinely, joyful about being together, then I will have a love contest.

I will ask someone to read my blog and answer a DMV type questionnaire along with a 2 page essay about me. And I will narrow it down to the top few (assuming I even get any submissions lol). Then I will pick a suitor and I will allow YOU all to pick a suitor and I will go on a weekend trip with each person. It can be male or female anywhere from 25 years my junior to 35 years my senior. I’m not an ageist; what can I say.

Then I agree to have an arranged marriage with one of them.

It will be my own bachelorette show via blog. Why not? Wierder things have happened. Of course now that I say all this I think I remember writing another blog entry about doing a different kind of bachelorette show. OMG. That seems very like me to do. It really does. My memory sputters sometimes. But it makes me laugh to think about. I’ll have to go find that. Maybe I didn’t actually post it, but left it a draft. Must go see!

I don’t tend to read any of my posts over unless I see someone else has, then my curiosity peaks and I go read it. Always a curious thing to see something I read before and forgot all about writing. It jogs the memory, it brings back what I was feeling when I wrote it. It reminds me where I was at that point in my life then, as one day this post will as well; I’m sure.



In life we are given many opportunities

But it doesn’t mean we take them all or any

Unless they can benefit “the all”

That doesn’t mean you take all the advantages you get handed

With no regard for any consequences that may come by them either to yourself or others

Life is strange

In that way

That we get to choose

Which way we lean

What will break us


We all get broken by death anyway eventually or so on this earth it seems


I have grown to hate statistics

Because they are so manipulated

But people’s words and actions

Seeing things with ones own emperical deductions, talking to experts and laypeople alike; seeing information from all sides, even the obscure ones.


I’m probably too accommodating that way

For some people.

That I am a humanitarian to the very last core of my being

I love people so very much

I love this planet

I love it’s nature and environment

I find so much beauty here

Within people, things, events, on and on. There is so much divinity and glory here hidden within the scenes. Like a Highlights book skill game it sometimes seems. Lol

Do they still sell those, maybe I should get some copies. Better than devices I think, maybe more modernized, now and inclusive, although I’m just supposing, I don’t actually remember the context and imagery, I always enjoyed them though.

Subtext is everything though sometimes; isn’t it.