Just Playing

I’ve always hated playing with dolls. Even when I was a child I hated it. Which is why I gravitated towards playing with boys. I wanted to be active not passive. I loved climbing on fences and roofs and trees. When I had 3 girls I felt ever so slightly insulted. Like how was I to effectively teach a girl to be a girl? I truly felt I lacked the skills.

So to say that I disliked playing dolls with them is an understatement. I did it. I’ve done it for 15 years. Never liked it. Lol. But yesterday I dressed Prince Charming in a dress and paraded him around. At first my 5 year old was correcting me. “Mommy, boys don’t wear dresses.” By the end of it she was helping find him dresses. Her doll did opt to marry another boy though. Which is fine, but for the first time I found playing dolls tolerable. Lol

Just Wow!!!

I can’t even believe it. It’s so bizarre. I never saw this coming. I can’t even explain why. I’m sure there is a psychological factor to it I just can’t ascertain.

But to get down to it…… basically I got approved for a loan to pay my mortgage for 6 months. This alleviates so much financial strain over me I can’t even begin to explain it. I feel so much relief. I literally feel physically lighter. But…..

Now I feel absolutely no incentive to date. None. It has completely wiped away all desire. ALL. I kid you not. Not to say I don’t have the desire for sex. Let’s not get all crazy. Hmmmmm

It’s interesting because coming back from my trip I had already decided that, at least temporarily, I was going to stop dying my hair and stop getting shellac on my nails. Go back to more natural me. So the theme here is that NOW I want to focus exclusively on myself. I want to get my house organized, my garden full of something besides weeds, my businesses more automated and social media driven. I have a strong desire now to really focus on myself.

It’s just so weird to me. I was so hyper-focused on a husband… on happier-ever-after…. on a soul mate. And now….. frankly…. honestly….. I don’t care. It just isn’t something I am interested in pursuing anymore. Like a flip literally switched in my head the moment my finances became completely stabilized. I still want to play… but even then probably not that much truth be told. My hormones generally dictate my desires and rev me to the point I can’t ignore. So. I’ll just go with that.

I don’t feel bad. I just feel perplexed. I have never been a financially driven person so to see that on a subconscious level I was being so heavily pushed in that direction is appalling to me really. I consider myself a self-aware and radicalized female.

Now this isn’t to say if all the stars aligned and the perfect man manifested I’d be like “no thanks”. Let’s be serious. Umm no. I would jump on it. Literally. Lol. It’s just that I have zero motivation to put myself out there to find it anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I’m not going to question it….. but I am still completely astounded by this new turn of events.

It’s one thing to prioritize myself over finding a partner and it’s quite another to completely be “over it”, so to say. I am disappointed that my behavior is so based on instinctual self-preservation. Here I go thinking myself above my base animal tendencies and nope. I am no better. Oh well. I can find humor in it.

I do still plan on going to events. I have even offered to assist in organizing for a local Domme group. Which I am so excited to do.

Life does go on. Just with less frenzy now I suppose. Which outside of sex is a good thing. I think. Lol. πŸ’‹

Growing Distant

A wave of dissonance

With the world at large

Has swept over me

——

One on one

Is good

I enjoy

A few even

——-

But the travel and so many people’s energy

Especially those with covetous, envious, angry and sinister energy

Was a bit much for me

I feel the need to sequester myself

—–

Which is so odd since I encountered so many beautiful souls on my travels as well.

—–

I’m not questioning it.

—–

I’m so tired too. I have blood somewhere in my digestive tract. This is a new development for me and I know it’s rather serious but I’m not one to want to go see a doctor right away. Which is exactly what I would not tell a client to do. Lol.

I’m going to try and see if I can alleviate this myself. The colon is one the most regenerative parts of our bodies so I’m hoping I can figure this out on my own and repair myself naturally.

When in doubt go back to the basics. Right? Yes, of course. So tomorrow back to the the basics. Easy does it!!

Dear me, myself and i

Erase everything

Erase the past

Erase the future

Erase all that surrounds you

The people

The places

The scents, sounds, activities

All of it

Pretend there is nothing

Absolutely nothing

Except you

In all your naked glory

And a mirror

That’s it

That’s all there is

Picture yourself standing in front of this mirror

Look deep into your own eyes

Into your own soul

Do you like this person?

Do you like who this person is?

How this person behaves?

How this person lives? Eats? Works? Plays?

Is this your optimal self?

Optimal for this exact space and time?

Not some mythical realm of perfection

Not what you wish you had and were

But this person standing here now

With nothing outside of this person in existence

With all that this person before you is…..

Is this the best?

Could, without changing anything outside of yourself….. could you be better?

—-

Now…..

Put everything else back in place.

Sooooo

Then

If nothing in your world changed except that you were your best version of you that you can imagine

In the right here and now

What would that look like?

Now if everything else MUST stay the same as it currently is, but you are still free to be your best self.

How can you achieve that?

Without forcing anything outside of yourself to realign itself.

Without blaming anything or anyone.

As if someone took that best version of you and just plopped it into your place.

As an even exchange

What does that look like?

How would you now be?

Life can be resistance or life can be fluid. Knowing you only have real control over yourself.

Your actions.

Your thoughts.

Your experience.

Define it.

Designate it.

Stop letting outside factors designate and define you.

This is one go around.

Are you going to bring yourself to the table?

Are you going to give it your all?

Or are you going to die a slow death complaining and blaming your life away?

Get off your ass, soap box, high horse, tiny violin, drama fueled, passive-aggressive, anger driven, giving up/hopeless, head in the ground, or whatever your deal is issue at this moment…..

And start living your best you.

NO EXCUSES

——-

Wherever you are now

That’s home

Not some far away place

Not where you were yesterday, or

Tomorrow

As a child

In a dream

Or fantasy

No….

Now

In this body

In this time

In this place

Right here

Right now

Welcome to your life

Start fucking enjoying it!!

Irregardless

Blah blah blah

Uhu

Find it

Find your bliss

It’s not anywhere but

Exactly where you are now

I’ll give you a hint

It nothing outside of yourself

Or rather

It is found in only one place

Everything else can and may eventually be taken away

Such is life

There is one constant

YOU

Until of course

there is not a you

You gonna wait until then to live?*

It was orange. An orange moon. Hard to tell with an iPhone six in a turbulent airplane through thick reflective window panes. Lol

——

*hard sometimes when I think that maybe a lot of people, most especially myself here of course, would benefit from hearing this on a regular basis; but then maybe there are those that wouldn’t. That maybe shouldn’t. That need clarification of things even more basic then this before this applies. We are not all on the same path.

——-

My path in life has not always been easy.

But no complaints…. right now I feel I am being led to heal people. Not just in the capacity I currently work in but with people everyone has given up on. God keeps seeming to be directing me that way. There isn’t a guideline for this undertaking. So I’m waiting for the path to be lit for me. I am ready and willing to take the steps. Maybe I may have to take a few steps in blind faith. That’s ok too. But if God wants me to do this I will need a few more signs and definitely a lot of help. We shall see. One foot in front of the other. I may make some mistakes here; but this seems to be where I am needed. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Plans Change

Sooo. The conference ends tomorrow and I haven’t taken full advantage of being in sin city. We had a banquet and dance, but I figured most people would be fuddy-duddy and I did bring a Domme outfit. So I decided to go out after the event to a sex club or fet event*.

I wondered what to do? These people have seen me in my every day unsplendor. Just regular me in my nerd glasses and casual clothes. Do I wear my Domme attire to the event?

The logistics made more sense to do so since I wasn’t staying at the hotel where the conference is and I have walked those 4 blocks way too many times over the last couple days. So this is what I wore.

Pose 1

Pose 2

At first I was nervous. I kept my sweater on. Then after a few drinks I was like fuck it. This is me people. I hate that it takes alcohol still sometimes. It should not be that way. But…these are my colleagues. This is a professional atmosphere and I am merging worlds. Not an easy thing to navigate.

I ended up hooked up with some really fun fellow members and we partied until….. well… it’s 1:30 and I have to be back at the convention with my bags packed at 7:30am. Ay yay yay. Well. Not like I’d be sleeping well anyway. All the smoke. The cheap alcohol. The loud music and the bright lights and neon. It’s a surreal place. So far removed from how I like to live my life. This just isn’t me. If I never come back to Vegas I’d be perfectly alright with it.

Huge headache too. Going to try to masturbate it away. I doubt it will take since I think it has to do with environmental overload and definitely not just stress.

Goodnight Vegas…..as I hear the sound of the nightlife raging outside. The sound of a thousand souls wanting something they will never find here.

—–

Interestingly there was only one fet event tonight anyway. A rope event. Which wasn’t far and could have been fun. Portland has so many events each night it’s hard to even choose sometimes. Not that I go to that many but when I contemplate it at least there seem to be a lot of choices. Not too many femdom unfortunately, but beggars can’t be choosy.

Tinder

I just remembered I still have my Tinder profile up. I am so all over the place with my love life. Part of me feels like I should just not date at all and part of me thinks I should just keep doing what I’m doing and just go with the flow. Aiming for fun albeit not currently involving sex.

Ho hum. We shall see. I could turn on a dime.

Deliriously tired right now. I’m in a hotel room in Vegas. I’ve never been in Vegas by myself. Let me tell you….. being at conferences all day in a city hell bent on debauchery while I’m trying to stay sober, not gamble and stay far away from smokers has been a bit abysmal. Worst trip here ever and completely counterintuitive to the conference theme; which is holistic health through colon cleansing. Lol. Yea.

Just augments how juxtaposed my life always seems to be. Even things outside of my control reinforce the tendency.

I did buy this cute souvenir though.

Well. I just have a hard time sleeping alone, not in my bed and away from my kids. One of them is bad enough but all three is the sleepless trifecta. So I’m going to masturbate and hope I can sleep better than last night as I was literally nodding in the conference at the 3:30pm mark which seems to be when most people’s blood sugar naturally dips and mine took a severe nosedive.

Wish me luck.

Goodnight you miscreants. πŸ’‹β€οΈ