Nauseous / Freedom Rising

I’m on 16 drops of H2O2 now. Which may not seem like a lot. After all I started with 3 drops. So it’s been 14 days of this. You’d think I would have built up a tolerance to it. It’s not like it has a very distinct taste. But about the day of drop 12 I started to feel nauseous after drinking the distilled water filled with my allotted drops.

My mouth keeps watering preemptively as if I’m about to throw up. I feel woozy. It only lasts about an hour. But multiple times a day of this is not fun.

This is the first time I’ve made it this far in this cleanse. I don’t know if I can keep on. Maybe I should change the liquid to something more palatable. I’ll have to look at the directions again. Would juice work? I think it would help if so.

I woke up this morning with a frontal lobe headache, which I’ve gotten a lot since the pandemic. And I know adding oxygen to my system helps with that tremendously: whether it’s orally, through my lungs, or even rectally.

Oh good. The nausea is finally settling some.

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I got an email today from the Freedom Rising women.

This is exactly what I needed to hear.

I’ve been having an inner battle with myself. Missing Brad but knowing that I deserve more. Wanting the comfort of the familiar, especially because he was my friend. Yet sanding firm in my decision, even though it pains me at times.

I went to see a new client yesterday and I was literally 2 miles from his house. It was my ego and pride that kept me from thinking about stopping by. I am worth more to myself. My own sense of self worth trumped my missing him.

I go back to my original thought of just needing one person in this big giant world to love me: honestly, tenderly, generously, devoted. A person of integrity and high ideals; with love for this world and all our fellow beings on it. Someone who will be a true partner and a genuine friend. Who may not always agree with me but will love me fiercely all the same. Someone who I can give myself to entirely and love madly.

One person. That’s it. I harbor the hope that this will come true for me. But regardless I have to empower myself to be the best and happiest me possible and use my finite time, energy and heart wisely on whatever laps I have left of this kooky adventure. Right? πŸ˜‰

God bless us all❣️

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸŽ„πŸ₯°πŸ’‹βœŒπŸ½

Reminiscing

I was 16. He was the brother of a friend. We lived together for a few months in a semi-abandoned house their parents owned in the Hollywood Hills. (When my dad threw me out in a fit.)

This boy was ethereal. He was the most beautiful young man I had ever seen in person and he glowed with this inner beauty that was undeniable. He was loved by everyone. I would always blush and turn away when he even glanced my way.

He was tormented by the attention I think. I say this in retrospect of course. At the time all I knew was that he had dropped out of school, was doing hard drugs and let his girlfriend treat him like shit. Now I see that he probably enjoyed it. That somehow he maybe felt ashamed, confused or unworthy of it.

I haven’t thought of him in over 20 years, at least. Funny what time on your hands makes you think of.

—-+

And then there was Marius.

We were both 18. He was the most kind, calm, sweet natured boy ever. He had an artists look of suffering even when he was laughing. I absolutely adored him.

I was remembering one time when I was trying to really rile him up. We were making out on my bed, both fully clothed and he came. He was beyond mortified. I laughed so hard until he finally laughed too.

He moved and we corresponded by letter often until one day the news clipping came with a letter from his mom. He had been crushed in an accident with a log hauler.

I often think if he were still alive and the same man he was then, sweet, kind, so loving that he would be someone I would really want to love.

But I never got to see the man he would become.

I think that really he was just too pure for this world. He was too fragile and open. He would have broken. I’m pretty sure.

I think of him now and again. Especially since we moved here. He was in Seattle then and it would be an easy drive to make, where he still there.

Maybe I should write his mother. Let her know how much I miss him too, still….after all this time. I can’t imagine losing a child.

God bless us all❣️

❀️

A new dream

I like to be flexible in life. If something fizzles I move on. My pining away days are done. It’s absolutely useless to try to recapture the past.

For the last few years I have clung so hard to the thought of settling down here; of having stability with my home, my business, my children. And I’m coming to terms with the stark possibility that it simply wasn’t meant to be.

That means that within 9 months or so I need to come up with a viable exit plan. And I’m going to give myself carte blanche to move anywhere in the world I can subsist without having to work 40+ hours at multiple endeavors; somewhere tranquil, close to nature, safe, English speaking. I’m going to open myself up to the possibilities.

I won’t know for a few months if my chances here are completely dead and buried. So I won’t start to dream just yet. But I’m not going to see this as a bad thing. I suppose in a way I’m choosing mind over matter, but it’s more a locus of control over the little I can control; my thoughts and emotions. No use making myself miserable over this. I really did try my absolute best here.

Could I have done a few things different, better maybe? Absolutely. Will I in a few years have perfect hindsight and understand my failures more clearly? I’m sure. Will I bemoan myself about it? No; at least not now.

I’m not in the mood to be anything but nice to myself right now. I’ve got enough on my plate. The world is going crazy and I’m just trying to hang on and enjoy whatever I still can on this ride.

Tally-ho bitches❣️😝

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ₯°πŸ’‹

TMI – I love the way my vagina smells

I know. No one asked. No one even mentioned it.

But I like the way it smells. About 5 years ago I could not say the same thing. About my mid 30’s my smell changed. It got to the point it was almost unbearable to me. Whenever I caught a whiff of it I felt horrible about myself.

Then I stopped drinking wine and alcohol. I stopped eating dairy and gluten. And it changed the flora of my vagina completely. Whereas before I would get tons of yeast infections, like sometimes back to back even. Now I get them very rarely; not even once a year.

Why am I sharing? No one cares. No one wants to hear about my vagina’s smell. But it’s something I like. I genuinely like the way it smells.

And not in the way people like or don’t mind their own farts because it’s their own. No. I mean it genuinely smells good, fresh, clean, but in a vagina way. Lol

It makes me laugh when I think of it. And it makes me smile when I smell myself. Which is a great thing.

Of course I love musty, dank, funky human smells in general, but even I know when something is a bit off-putting or excessive.

And my vagina is not. I’m not saying I’m proud. Because that seems a strange thing. But I’m glad I can enjoy my own scent; especially after spending years hating it and feeling horrible about it.

So yea…..pussy smells.

Very good indeed. Now does this make me more apt to want to lick one myself? Mmmmmmmmm. Unsure. I don’t rule anything out but I think I’d have to really, really be into the woman it’s attached to for me to even consider giving that a go.

Hasn’t happened yet and it may never happen at all. Hmmmmm. Maybe that’s something I should add to my sexual bucket list. Why not? Worth a shot I spose to see what it’s all about.

Right? πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

I’m so full….of memes

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Corporate greed strikes again, to no ones surprise and in no ones interest but theirs. Corporatism at its finest. Why do we keep pretending we are a capitalist society? Clearly the U.S. isn’t.

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Not sure how true this is. I thought they were antibodies, but I find it plausible given the hypocrisy of people.

Not that everyone feels this way about their job, but……he ain’t wrong either.

πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

You could always take this job.

For less than $3 an hour. Damn if that isn’t sad for everyone involved here.

SMH 😐😐😐

I want to feel / censorship

I want to feel like this Tom Petty Wallflowers song makes me feel.

I would like to feel this way for someone I can love with all my being. Someone who’s company I truly enjoy, who makes me a better person, with mutual: encouragement, respect, adoration, tenderness, honesty and transparency.

——

I’m getting angry with Reddit. I’ve gotten censored 4 times now for saying things incongruent with the OP’s (original poster) view.

I don’t necessarily mind all the idiots that feel they have to chime in with agreement to the herd mentality, but censoring me is bad form. Shows who the real “snowflakes” are.

I’m really starting to believe ALL media, even Reddit, has an agenda they are pushing, a narrative, a specific way they are trying to push entire segments of society to a predetermined point; mass brainwashing.

And they cover it up by not allowing logical dissident views because that ruins the brand.

In this I am in agreement with conservatives. Speech should not be censored at all, ever, unless it incites harm and violence maybe, and even then it should probably be case by case or not censored at all really.

I mean how else are we to know people’s true feelings and intentions? Isn’t it better to know these things than pretend everyone is kind and society has no issues at all.

Since when was censorship the main default for fixing things? If anything I think it makes things worse. We need to learn to listen to each other. We need to learn to get along and coexist. Kindergarten basics, no?

Elf on a Shelf

The tot has been going on and on about how excited she is for her Elf on a Shelf this year. I can’t explain why, but I’ll chop it up to childhood innocence and frivolity. Suppose it’s something to mark the time, something to look forward to every day, finding Buddy.

Our space is really tiny though, so we will all have to be extra creative this year. Generally I leave it up to the two older kidlets to move him around every night. They are very responsible and seem to get quite the kick out of it some nights.

We usually try to buy our tree this Thanksgiving weekend but I’m not sure where to go. We need a small tree this year, probably a table top tree would make the most sense, so maybe 4 feet tops. A far cry from the ceiling hitting trees we have gotten the last few years.

I’m not sure what to do about Christmas in general, this year. Right now it all hinges on my father, and if he sends money like he usually does. I’m in full save mode; except for food. And the girls need very little, maybe a new video game, some new clothes for the season and their growth spurts and a few new board games we could all enjoy.

But they are used to Santa bringing each one a special gift and I’m not sure that will be possible this year, unless my dad sends money. At this point I’d be really happy with one nice gift for each and a few small necessities. But it definitely won’t be like in years past.

For one their father used to pay half of Santa’s gift and then I had Brad buying more gifts than they ever could want or use, filling the tree with an absurd amount of gifts really. Neither of those are true this year, which is fine.

I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to figure out how to spin this into a good thing. This is the year of making due and sacrifices. Which is fine, but it’s not very Christmassy sounding.

I can’t waiver though.

I have to make plans for the worst case scenario…..and that’s having to move next year.

And if I have to move my colonic equipment interstate it’s going to be an expensive endeavor. Still better and cheaper than replacing it, but ugghhhhhh.

Well. That’s not a thought for today.

Maybe we’ll find a you cut tree farm nearby for this weekend. A 4′ tree can’t be that expensive. Right? πŸ€”

πŸŽ„β›„πŸ¦ŒπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ₯°β£οΈπŸ’‹

Day of Thanks!

This, here, today, Thanksgiving, is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love the sentiment of this day. And yes….good food is great and family is nice, but that’s not what it’s about to me.

One of the best and most memorable Thanksgivings I actually spent alone and fasted all day.

Another memorable Thanksgiving was dishing up food for seniors. Everyone was so lovely and in such a festive mood, and the seniors seemed so happy to have us there. Even the coordinators and fellow volunteers were very sweet and we all had heartfelt reasons to be there. That was a really great day.

Since going gluten and dairy free holidays aren’t really about the food anymore anyways. Mainly because it’s hard to replicate traditional childhood recipes and inevitably some dishes don’t quite hit the mark. Like I’ve never been able to make really great mashed potatoes without real butter. They just aren’t quite the same.

But I am not worrying about that this year. I am veto’ing my normal diet today with the idea that I’m going to start a veggie and fruit flush next week anyway. This is of course is just my justification. Let’s see if I actually do it. Lol

It’s been a weird and crazy year, right? But I am feeling no less grateful than any other year and like always, happy to be alive, happy to be here, hopeful to see what future Thanksgivings bring. Granted, it’s just another day but I do love holidays and especially the feeling of being truly grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving ❣️

πŸ™πŸ½πŸπŸ¦ƒπŸŒπŸŒˆβœŒπŸ½πŸ₯°πŸ’‹

Passive observer

I have always known myself as an introvert. But that is not to say I can’t or don’t want to be social, because I can and I do.

It just makes me feel better to tell myself that I don’t always have to participate. It takes a lot of pressure off to know that I can just be an observer in this life. And then inevitably necessities or my own desires tell me when is a good time to jump in and do something.

But this gives me permission to relax. This gives me permission to not react to things out of sheer force of habit or supposed expectations. I can sit with it. I can sit with life a bit and figure out what I want to do, say, feel, share for myself.

The only unfortunate thing is sometimes it takes me a while to process and make a decision. So sometimes things pass me by because I didn’t decide in time or I didn’t see an option and things got decided for me.

I’ve learned to live with these consequences because the majority of the time it benefits me to stay quiet and watch, try to understand everything first, clarify things for myself before I jump into something.

But then sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not a participant in my own life; as if I leave too much to fate. I wonder why I can’t be one of those people that grab life by the horns and says “bend to my will”.

Maybe it’s time I turn the script. Make life my bitch, take full control, chart the course and go balls to the wall, full throttle straight for what I want.

What do I want?

Do I even know?

I feel I can’t do anything right now with my housing situation looming over my head.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t decide who I want to be.

Do I want to be an interpreter?

Build up the consignment business?

Do I want to go back into colon hydrotherapy?

Do I want to be a spiritual counselor?

Do I want to be a dominatrix? (Not necessarily professionally, more on a personal level)

Like I get that right now I’m in a holding pattern just going day by day, but I could and should be asking myself where I want to be so I can know what to focus my limited time and energy on. Makes sense right?

Then I suppose as life comes at me I redirect as needed, but it’s good for me to choose for myself what I really, truly want to do.

Food for thought.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland in so many ways, but to quote her “I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it.”😐