What a day for it

Went to sleep with a migraine. Hoped to wake up without it but no such luck. Didn’t sleep well either.

If I can’t get rid of this thing I’m going to be absolutely useless today.


Hopefully it starts to subside soon.


Leave everything like you found it or better. –

Simple and effective way to manage oneself in the world. Right?

You’d think at least. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ


What do I know?

I can barely function right now. I’m going in slow mode. But feeling a little better. I’m just going to take it easy on myself today. Been pushing hard the last few days.

Thankfully my mother is out of the hospital. So one less thing to stress about.

I guess I’ll be like the tortoise and the hare today. Except there’s no hare. Lol

I at least got myself out of working the garage sale today. My daughter will man it. I told her I’d set it up. A lot of things are still in boxes, which I know as a garage sale enthusiast is super annoying, but it is what it is. I don’t think I’ll get to that.

At some point soon here I need to lay back down. πŸ˜•

Hmmmm…. deleted Fetlife

Ever since I’ve had that account I was proud of it. I didn’t ever anticipate wanting to delete it. I was pretty sure I never would.

But I just did.

For starters because I don’t feel like that person anymore and I definitely don’t look like anything anywhere near that right now.

I still am a sex fanatic. I still enjoy “naughty” or fetish sex….. all kinds of it. All kinds of sex in general but……

I’m not interacting with people at all right now and I want to break the bond of that life.

Move on to something else maybe. Something beyond.

Can’t quite formulate what that will be yet. What it will look like. I know going forward a vanilla sex life would be hard maybe but who’s to say.

Who indeed?

(But me I guess😜)


I am

I am content

For the first time in a long time

I feel genuinely content

With myself

Not because of anything special

Looking any particular way

Having accomplished anything at all

Having acquired anything in particular

Or anything really

Just absolutely because

I can

And I am allowed

And it feels so good

Like a natural state of being

Except one that is hard to accomplish in this day and age

In this era of stress and stressors

And yet

I defy it all

All the standards set for it

All the reasons not to be

All of it

To just be

To just let myself be

In this exact state

In this exact time

In this space

In this body

In these circumstances

And be alright with myself

And that

Right there

Is a glorious thing


And to think we could all have this


This “anomaly”

What a beautiful place

If that was to be


I am exhausted – moving and eBay

But we have the garage mostly cleared out. I have so much more stuff for the garage sale than I even realized. And I haven’t even been through the house yet.

My muscles ache, my nose is stuffy, I didn’t sleep soundly because I went to sleep hungry and my stomach woke me up not once but twice. Had applesauce the first time and yogurt the second.

This will be the first time in over 12 years that I really try to make a go out of doing eBay as a main hustle and not a side business. I’m glad to have the opportunity, experience and mostly that it comes easy to me. But it isn’t necessarily something I enjoy doing. Usually when you’re good at something it helps you enjoy it. This is not that case.

eBay is isolating, requires a lot of detail and organization, centers around materialism, and having to deal with people who get upset over trivial issues and placate them to maintain my 100% positive feedback status gets tiresome. I also don’t like that it’s a 24/7 business. People expect answers and their items yesterday.

But it does come easy to me and there is an aspect when I sell my own things that reminds me of gambling and seems to satisfy that urgency of chance. So that is a definite positive.

So this will be my way to see if I can really pull it off as a full-time gig. I knew a man in CA who was a car guy. He bought salvage cars for cheap, took them apart and sold the working parts on eBay. He had a large warehouse with 4 employees taking home over 100k a year. But he had a niche. I am a jack of all trades. I have no niche besides eBay experience and a penchant to try anything once.

It’s paid off before but it also means accumulating stuff. Most successful full time ebayers have massive amounts of storage for it and hundreds of listings up at a time. All of that sounds exhausting to me right now. The only part I really enjoy is buying. I love going to garage sales. Research, photography, listing, those are all massive time sucks that give me no pleasure at all.

But, money does give me pleasure. And considering all the jobs I’ve had and things I’ve done for it, eBay selling isn’t that bad. It’s just not something I’m passionate about. But I have 4-6 months to scale up and see if I can really make it happen. Make it viable for paying my mortgage.

I’m going to do something I’ve never done before and advertise, selectivity. I suppose if I really blow up I can get a large storage shed for the backyard and maybe some part-time help. Whatever it takes to really make a go of it. Having a store front is so much easier but then again it has to be manned and that requires many more expenses.

And while I genuinely enjoyed having a store front business before; I loved people coming in to visit and sharing their time and lives with me, I also wasn’t a single mom with three kids then.

Well. We shall see. I’m just gonna keep my head up, keep working hard and following the leads.

Everything is subject to change and I am gonna go with the flow as much as I possibly can. I have a week to get this house ready and us moved. No time for lollygagging.

Seize the day!


Voice of reason

I was wondering today why I have been surrounded by narcissist, pessimists and bitter people my entire life. I realize the world is full of them and they can’t be avoided but I seem to have close and inescapable relationships with them since birth.

Why, I can’t say for sure. But I do firmly believe we are all where we are for a reason.

And I think….

now more than ever the world needs voices of calm, reason, peace and acceptance. The world needs to be reminded of how much love we all carry in our hearts and that kindness and consideration can be and should be extended to everyone.

I know we can all be and have all been narcissistic, pessimistic, selfish, childish, irrational beings at one time or another. So we all understand those feelings and know how detrimental they can be. We know how insidious they can become.

And it’s up to each and every one of us to not just guard against it taking up root within ourselves but also be a beacon of hope to others mired in it.

We don’t do this through self-righteousness, lectures or taking harsh stands. We do this by example. Showing an example of the kindness we wish to see. Showing an example of the wisdom we wish to impart. Showing an example of the benefits of kindness.

And that’s why I suppose I’m here now. Why I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through. Why I’ve learned the lessons I have. To stand here today and be a voice of reason, even if only to myself.

Or maybe I have just had a shitty life because I’ve had a shitty life. Lol. Who’s to really say. And who’s to really care.

I’m not even complaining really, just making observations and trying to see some benefit and reasoning to it all.

It’s hard to grasp that sometimes, but being grateful helps clear some fog away and at least make things bearable and sometimes even enjoyable.

But then again I’ve always had a bit of a martyr streak in me. Which I’ve made peace with. And it makes me laugh when I take a stand for something, because I generally do it without any forethought. I just do what I think needs to be done.

Some fights I’m willing to pursue. Some hills I’m willing to die on. They give my life meaning and worth, even though they at times cost me greatly.

But hey…no one comes out of this life thing unscathed. Do they? 🀣🀣🀣

Against the wind


If you find yourself swimming upstream maybe it’s time to revisit your strategy or your destination.

My mother is in the hospital. They think it’s her heart. They are running a battery of tests today. It makes me feel at least a tiny bit less guilty being so far away knowing that even if I was there they wouldn’t let me in to see her.

Then the naturopath doctor I reached out to see if he had space in his clinic for me is gearing up to do missionary work and has already closed his clinic.

Brad wants me to drive to Virginia with him to see his father and spend time with his family. Another time I probably would have jumped at that, especially because I love road trips, but during a pandemic that just sounds irresponsible and I already hate flying……. so I think I am basically just delaying saying no.

He also wants me to lose weight. Which I have to agree with. I had two men flirt with me recently. One while we were both wearing masks, which is so bizarre. But with my weight so high I really don’t feel super sexy right now. Once we get settled downstairs I plan on making it my daily routine to exercise and make healthy homemade meals again. I’m so sick of junk food and sweets.

The loan mediation is on the 20th and I’m feeling very confident about it, optimistic even. They have zero reason to deny me really. Financially I can more than afford to pay my mortgage with renters in the house. Even with me having to make up a portion of the mortgage myself.

eBay is going fairly well and once again I don’t qualify this week for claiming unemployment. Which is starting to be a pain in the ass. They have held me up on claims for over 4 weeks now because of paperwork. Trying to verify how I’m making money. Maybe because they qualified me for unemployment based on losing my part-time job.

But I am strictly self-employed now so the weeks I don’t make money should be based on self employment loss. These are two separate claim systems within the unemployment department. And they can’t just flip flop me from one to the other. So I’m not sure I can still get my claims paid. But this is all me guessing based on their own website information because trying to get a hold of them and ask is almost impossible. So…wait and see.

Brad had told me last year to clean out my garage. I explained that the garage was like my piggy bank if I ever needed flash cash. He didn’t understand, but now he does. I’ve made $400 in the last week selling things on Craigslist. Then the garage sale this weekend. There are things I’ve been wanting to resell for myself that aren’t even going in the sale. He is going to let me store them in his shop for the time being. Until I get going with selling all my clients things, which is a lot right now. 3-4 clients at a time is definitely my limit with just me working on it.

Depending how things go and how the world goes, if garage sales pick back up and thrift stores, auction houses and storage unit sales open up into full swing I may not need to have clients. I can just sell things for myself and clients can be an added bonus. Except I don’t really have space to store a bunch of trinkets. We will see. I definitely would prefer not to work right now, if possible. Until this pandemic starts to really die down at least.

But I say that as I have not one but two applications in for county jobs right now. But those jobs have great benefits and good pay and if I get either one I really can’t turn it down.

Last month I also contacted a local commercial lease company. I asked if they would consider splitting the profit with me on a start-up if I guaranteed that within the year I would be making full rent payments. I wanted to open up an eBay/consignment store. I know the profit potential as I already had a brick and mortar doing that but I don’t have the funds right now to pay rent.

Before I bought this house and started up doing colon hydrotherapy I tried to rent a cute little storefront in old town. I loved the space but the owner refused to rent to me. The place needed serious remodeling. It probably hadn’t seen any updates in 20 years. I asked her to split the updates with me. Pergo floors, all new lighting, fixing the air conditioning. All things that would stay beyond my tenancy. I would obviously pay for any painting and cosmetic changes. But she refused to even negotiate and the place stayed vacant another year longer.

But things happen for a reason. I probably would not have gone on such a healing and spiritual path had I not set out the way I did.

I still have a lot to learn. I have a lot to see. I still feel I am trying to find my way. I know I want to travel and learn and explore my world. I want to delve more into the mystery and mysticism of this universe.

And having tenants will help me be financially able to do so with some much needed space to finally breath a little, instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

So, once we get settled I’m going to take some time to figure out my next step in life or maybe just let life lead me where it wants me to go.

No more running against the wind.


Conflict Resolution

I’ve learned a lot lately, this last year specifically, about conflict resolution. And I can say that even though it’s been an uncomfortable journey it’s one that’s been pivotal in helping me grow as a person.

And I can most certainly ascertain that we need much more amicable conflict resolution in this world. We need to get to where every situation comes with a win/win or at the very least acceptable compromises on ALL sides.

The rhetoric of the current political climate is horrendous. The leader not just of this country but of many countries in this world is pushing a personal agenda that does not benefit the people. I am sickened by it. All of it.

“We the people” are being divided and pitted against each other and/or squelched of our rights for the personal gains and vendetta of the elite.

Frankly, if I were a police officer right now in this country I would be livid with Trump. He is stoking the fires instead of trying to actually address the issues. Putting them in much more danger than is already present in that job.

We truly need to come to a place where we have acknowledgement of a problem and sit down and figure out something that will take into account all sides.

It doesn’t have to please absolutely everyone, but it does have to take every view into account. Maybe not everyone will be thrilled because this is a very emotional topic and people on all sides are taking it very personal. But some resolution that most everyone can live with and will really help resolve the anger bubbling over.

Because beyond the rioters there are people serious about the issues surrounding the protests and there is a true need for accountability in the police and justice system in this country. There is a need for equal opportunities and an acknowledgement and honoring of the true history of all sides, not just the “victors”.

This is a time when we can truly embrace the need for change and make it happen. And sure it’s uncomfortable for some people to see the dark side of inequality. It’s uncomfortable for people to be called out for their entitlement. It’s uncomfortable for there to be a call to strip the shield of power off of corruption (like police unions) and hold people accountable that have never had to be.

But we can use this as a time to truly resolve these issues, come together and heal them.

And if I’ve learned anything it’s that once a conflict is addressed and there is a mutually satisfying outcome it actually brings people much closer together.

And that is a fact.

We can be this great country we all desire. We can! And if we pull together instead of rip each other apart I firmly believe that can happen.

And I pray it so.

I pray it so.


Alive and Kicking

“What’s it gonna take to make a dream survive?”

Last night was hard and also good. I started a documentary I’m really enjoying on Native American healing.

I’ve realized that I’m allergic to dust and pollen. And having to work on the garage sends my nose into intense overdrive. Plus it’s just not really fun.

I have 12 days until the renters come and I don’t feel anywhere near ready. I had a bit of an anxiety attack last night, but I just kept myself busy working through it. Then the preteen came home and threw up for hours. We don’t know if it’s her anxiety, the new meds, or what? But that wasn’t fun either.

My coping mechanism? A dose of THC and meditation/prayer. I was finally able to sleep after a few hours of deep breathing. I slept well and woke up feeling ok. Still a lot on my mind but just gonna do the best I can.

Since I haven’t heard back from the food pantry I think I’ll just make the second day of the garage sale a “free or whatever you want to pay” day and give half the money to the food bank.

Generally, because I have a lot of junk and left overs from clients and reselling I make about $500-700 per garage sale and I haven’t had one in a few years so I have a large accumulation of things. But with the economy and pandemic I’m not even thinking I’ll come close to that. Even though I’m getting rid of some high ticket items; my Bob stroller, bicycles, watches, tons of collectibles. I think I may pull one or two things from the free day that I know I can sell on Craigslist but otherwise it’s all going. And free is perfectly fine with me.

Today is my only “day off” I’m giving myself from packing and organizing and I still have to box and ship out three items, send a fax to the unemployment office and go to Home Depot for a water main shut of tool. Which is fine. No room for laziness right now.

The sun is shining. The ground is still under my feet. Life marches on. Enjoy the splendor of living. And if you can’t find it anywhere, keep looking. πŸ˜‰


Ghislaine Maxwell

She must have either really gotten off on it too or profitted off of it big time. I just can’t find another reason. Maybe a product of abuse too. I mean, really…. who knows?

But I am so intrigued by her wanting to release some “big names”.

If she ends up dead I am going to be disappointed.

Or she could be like a bunch of white collar criminals who have gotten out of jail completely because of Covid-19. But I don’t suspect she’ll be charged with anything that would warrant a posh prison; except they already have jails that you can pay for. And I am honestly not even sure how I feel about that. πŸ˜’

Theosophy and a new digestive aid

I learned about theosophy and Ukrainian born Helena Blavatsky yesterday (1832-1907). Mystic, world traveler, mother of the current new age movement, one of the first known people to travel to India and study formal Buddhism. Solo female traveler in an age when that simply wasn’t done unless you held a royal title and an all around bad-ass woman. Controversial, sure but that seems par for the course.

This world is just so fascinating to me. And I’m intrigued by this movement. I’ve already made a formal inquisition to join a local group for a session, once that is available. I’m going to plow through the videos on the website too when I have a chance. But that chance won’t be for a few weeks, at the very least.

I’m so glad there is something that can be an adjunct to any religion, or something for us “spiritual not religious” types, that isn’t in and of itself a religion or doctrine.

I have been seeking something like this since I was a teenager and that’s why I have studied and read and searched through so many different religions. Trying to find the best in all of them, yet falling short of actually forming any alliance because I could see the pitfalls and some form of hypocrisy, misogyny and greed in almost all of them.

And spirituality has always been such an important part of who I am. It’s something I have felt so strongly about that I would rather lay it down than belong to something that doesn’t resonate with my heart completely. Something that I can’t truly give myself to I refuse to give my name to either let alone my allegiance.

And as much as I love all the things Christ said and did I am deeply opposed to the corruption and deception within the religions that have been created in his name. I truly believe if Christ lived today he would not consider himself a “Christian” or “Catholic” or any other of the myriad of religions based around him. In fact I dare say he would be absolutely appalled by everything most religions say and do “in his name”.

Because he was a pure spirit who professed true love and compassion towards all and that seems lost to most people who profess to be religious. And the hypocrisy of some people thinking themselves worthy (because they read the bible and go to church) but in reality being judgemental, selfish assholes truly sickens me.

I don’t profess to be Godly, I profess to know God. I profess that our souls hold part of the miracle of pure love that encompasses everything and everyone. And that it’s up to each one of us to either forge that bridge within ourselves between spirit and world or kill it. And I dare say most people ignore it or conveniently only address it when it’s beneficial to do so. It’s the all talk no substance issue.

Lying to benefit oneself, ignoring the pleas and needs of fellow mankind and being self-centric may seem like the natural and correct state of being in such a cruel world. The you have to take what you can get, at any cost, because it may be your only chance mentality. Right?

But people don’t see the cost to their soul within that paradigm. So they disregard the right thing to do for humanity over what they consider the most prudent thing to do for themselves and keep keeping on with their justifications.

And I don’t care who takes offense to any of what I say or how I say it. I mean what I say and say what I mean. And I’m not purposefully trying to hurt anyone. I am trying to shake people awake; out of the shackles of hatred and selfishness they’ve grown accustomed to carting around.

The world, your world, my world, all world’s are so much better when we live with authenticity and heart; when we live truly spirit-centric.

And how people don’t see this really fucking boggles my mind. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ


So a client that suffers from SIBO and chronic constipation came to see me the week before I closed up shop. I had recommended a book to her for cleaning out her colon. She told me she liked it but that the protocols within it were too complicated. So she started simply adding diatomaceous earth to her daily regimen of supplements. Mixing in a few teaspoons a day to liquid and stated that she was feeling really great and very regular.

I didn’t tell her that this would be an effective way to sluff off parasites because I’ve noticed that some people can’t accept that we have them. But I consider parasites like cancer cells. At any given time we have them in our bodies and most of the time our immune system takes care of them. Except that a lot of factors go into our immunity working at full capacity: stress, diet, sleep, pH balance, on and on.

What I did note is that she usually has very good sessions and this session she had subpar output; which confirmed her self-assessment. I was happy she found an easy solution for herself. And I was glad I could be a small part of her figuring that out.

I always say people need to listen to their own instincts. And that they know their bodies better than anyone else ever will.


So that’s my soap box for today.

Now to get to work. Super busy. But happy. Content. Letting the world be madness if it wants to be and helping where I can when I can. Which is all any of us can do really.

God bless us all❣️