Stalker Update

Not really an update as just a series of strange occurrences.

The latest of which is that someone keeps leaving cigarette butts on my gravel driveway. Too far for it to be thrown there and yet not all the way up to my gate. Actually right by my car door. I wonder if this is some kind of car fetish?

I say this because once (a long time ago) someone came (yes cum) on my car. On the driver side door. Now I’m not a forensics specialist but I’ve seen cum a lot and I know the squirt pattern and no I did not taste it but just trust me. It was cum. This was solidified by several more parties.

Sometimes I just can’t believe certain things myself; so I like to get second opinions just to make sure I’m not just being goofy. Anything is possible.

So I don’t know.

That’s it. I know my ex-husband does not smoke (he finds it repulsive, unless a chick he wants to fuck does it then it’s ok, and he also prides himself on never having smoked or done a drug his entire life; which to me is like winning a perfect attendance award….no one cares). So I know for a fact it is not him. Plus when I told him he expressed genuine anger, not feigned concern as one might had they been the instigator.

He even wanted to run through the list of possible suspects. I found that funny, especially since he gave me scornful looks every time my phone made any sound at all today. I’m broke and yet I am contemplating hiring help rather than having to rely on him any further. He has the nerve to say to me after a text tone (which was a client, no less)

“Why aren’t any of those friends (with major tone and insinuations towards men) helping you?”

And I said

“Because I don’t really have friends; because any man that would come to help would want to get laid or anticipate a start to something and I don’t whore myself out or lead people on”

And then I started to cry.

Why don’t I have friends?

Women my own age have almost always been rather horrid to me and I get the competition factor but….


They say to have a friend be a friend and I genuinely do try. Even the women whose company I enjoy sometimes look at me with jealousy.

Maybe because I’m generally happy; people seem to think my life is wonderful or I have something they are missing. Few people seem to get that happiness is always an option, no matter what is going on. And the moment I lose that I’ve lost one of my core values as a person.

Am I too pretty? Not trying to be facetious or full of myself here. Just in the sense that you can’t be pretty and nice and smart and….whatever else people think I am or genuinely am. Like God let me into too many lines and it just isn’t fair. I should be bitchy or have a lazy eye or something.

Tired. Blathering.

Have to find money to pay for help because God knows he probably expects/wants sex and/or more too. Ugghhhhh

Yea. Focusing on the positive. Aren’t I due for any miracles here soon please? Lol 🙏🏽❤️💋



OMG. Right out the gate this morning my phone starts going off. Text after email after update. Now I remember why I don’t have friends. I’m an introvert…mostly. I can’t handle a constant barrage. I haven’t even been up that long and I already want to crawl back into bed. Not to mention I’m just exhausted to begin with.

Gotta rally though today. Going to go into hibernation mode and ignore most everyone. I just can’t. Really just can’t. Way too much to do.

Sometimes it’s like I tell my kids “if you aren’t helping you’re making it worse”. Not purposely but they get it. I just need space!!!!


Ugghhh. Sometimes I don’t know why I say the things I do. I have met some lovely woman. Woman that are genuine and sweet and loving to me. Few and far between but they exist.

People are busy. Everyone has a life. I get it. I appreciate just meeting and knowing people like that. I appreciate the kindness. Friendship is NOT overrated. It just takes time. Which is hard to come by these days.

“Just keep it together man” – Monsters Inc.

Domme in training

Soooooo. I can only hope what Blake says is true and that for every Domme in the Portland area there are approx 2000 subs. I see several issues with my exact situation though.

The most important being that I like to switch and peg. The other being that I have almost no experience in the Domme arena other than pegging and my natural bossy, bratty and bold tendencies. Not to mention the minimal and somewhat incorrect training I got from the previously talked about party (which he himself expressed).

I love all the things a Domme can and should do within the confines of a FLR but I don’t know if I can pull it off 24/7, not because I don’t tremendously enjoy being pampered and not because I don’t necesitate being in control*, but because sometimes I have an absolute need to switch. ** I also have an uncompromising need to be able to turn off my brain and just go with the flow, which I revert back to letting the man take control or just needing space to myself.

I have an ad on fetlife. A personal ad. I let Blake write it for me based on my requests. It has attracted some interesting characters, including a few curious and more docile seeming Dominants; and some curious and oh so willing to please in any capacity subs, including topping. I have one viable candidate so far…a Dom.

We’ll see. I’m not jaded as much as apprehensive. He has never been a submissive. He does not understand the play structure. He does not address me properly nor put forth great effort to make me feel cherished. You would think, as a vanilla or Dom might, that this is an earned value but then you miss the entire premise of the game.

It is after all a game. No less serious than the game of work, the game of sports, the game of…(ad whatever passion you can think of here). It is a rather serious matter because it can lead to a place of magical realizations. Hard to explain. You don’t know until you know…and that isn’t until you try it first hand really. Maybe this needs further explaining to someone who hasn’t quite wrapped their head around the dynamic of a D/s relationship; which maybe I can do another time if anyone desires. I am no expert in this field by any means though, I’m just a quick study. Lol

So anyway…..he has started off rather incorrectly already. Hmmmmmmm. I’m a little conflicted. I do enjoy putting men through some hoops and he has passed the initial ones so far. If he keeps meeting those vanilla (to me) standards, which really Dominant men find off-putting then I think I will meet him. Why?

Because you never know exactly when a casual meeting turns into a (hopefully lifelong) torrentially passionate love affair. Now do you? If we all knew that maybe we wouldn’t have half the societal problems experienced.*** But would we have as much fun as we sometimes do now, trying to find it? Hmmmmmmmm

That’s too deep of the question for my level of exhaustion.

Goodnight my sweet little deviant pets.



* (with an actual severe aversion, most of the time, to being told what to do****) but

**Maybe this could stem from an overwhelming desire to please and make happy those I love. But

***I don’t want to go into a deep philosophical monologue here about how we are sex/love driven creatures that do almost everything we do in life for one and/or the other. It seems rather commonly understood to me anyway. No?

****not of course if it’s done lovingly, with my best intentions at heart, preferably explained to me to my comprehension in a gracious manner. Lol. Is that too much to ask?


Ok I have work to do. Head down. Don’t expect to hear from me for a few days. I feel like I just wrote an giant non-comprehensible allegory anyway.

Like I told the persistent lover today “be patient”.

I don’t think he will get another shot; although he did promise to let me tie him up and spank him next time we are together and then promised me it would be “better”. Which I find so endearing because it was fine. It was just vanilla. I like vanilla, but I like variety a lot more.

Speaking of…I want to get some cock rings for the playroom and learn about milking a prostrate; for my own edification. Fun, fun!!

Chris (not sexual)

I was 6 or 7. I remember I was at a Christian school. I have a lot of memories from this school even though I’m pretty sure I went there less than a year. This is the only good memory.

I had gotten into some altercation on the playground with one of the popular girls. I wouldn’t back down and everyone sided with her and that was that. I was out. Soon after Chris and I became friends. He would walk around the playground with me holding hands. He would tell me he loved me. I would wear nice dresses for him and he would tell me how pretty I looked. He stole a peck from me. He loved me so softly.

I have had a lot of hardship in life but also a lot of love. A lot of beautiful people have been in my life; a lot of loving memories. I am so grateful and to think the greatest love yet is still to come. I’m beside myself, giddy with anticipation.

Relationships are not always easy, but love is. I can work on the relationship if someone is willing to work with me. I can negotiate better than the best and I’m all about win/wins. All about it!

Red Room Honeymoon

There is a couple reserving their honeymoon in my Airbnb Red Room. I’m so excited!!

So I read a study that said that the less sexual partners the happier you are in your marriage (sexually). Maybe. Probably. For vanilla people that’s true…I’m sure.*

So…maybe I should have accepted early on in my life (pre-marriage would have been ideal) that sexually that was not my trajectory…maybe my clues should have been the high desire for pegging, public sex and the ultra high sex drive.

I mean…I read erotica books before I even had my first sex boyfriend. I had my first taste of soft porn at 11. Maybe by today’s standards that’s tame when you account for the internet. Lol.

So are we raising sexual deviants? No idea. I would guess not; just a lot more aware I hope and open about sexuality maybe. And hey…if they are consenting adults and genuinely happy who gives a $\%+]@ anyway. Always come back to that. It bears repeating.

So all that said I hope this couple has an awesome time here. I’m so honored and excited and it gives me warm fuzzies. It’s just so cute!!!! I would have loved that kind of honeymoon! It’s only one night before they go away for the real honeymoon. So yea. So perfect!


*definitely not the case in my marriage. I went in eyes wide open. I communicated. I thought I knew what I signed up for. He changed all the rules and left me to handle everything on my own. From the moment the paper was signed it was like he owned me and had to do nothing. It was a dark pit of a place to live. It had its good moments. Sexually though it was sheer hell from the word go and that wasn’t what I signed up for…and yet I’m still willing to get married again. It’s the romantic in me I think. It’s the eternal optimist. It’s that I believe what I’ve wanted my whole life is truly out there for me and now maybe more than ever.

Of course as I’ve said many times marriage does not predicate love and if I have to choose obviously its love and great sex over marriage. Maybe I don’t have to choose is what I’m learning. I can have it all. It’s a possibility at least is all I’m saying…a lovely possibility.

Rich Bitches

These two brothers that lived in LA. Rich little bitchy boys with a chauffeur who let them use his apartment as their flop house. Not that they didn’t own many, many houses…but I suppose after thrashing so many rooms from heavy partying their parents put the kabash on that. I met a few of this kind. Some I can get along with and some I can’t.

It’s that sense of entitlement that’s off-putting. It’s that everything and everyone is buyable and expendable and subject to their whims. It disgusts me. Maybe because it seems mostly true, maybe because we all have a tipping point and reason that makes selling ourselves: be it souls or bodies not excluding blackmail viable.*

Anyway these little rich bitches were so rude to me. I of course wouldn’t give them the time of day regardless. I gave them zero attention. They spelled trouble with a capitalized and underlined T and they seemed cruel.

I don’t mind some cruelty for fun in the bedroom with someone you care about. How they liked treating people was more bordering evil. Why I even spent as much time with them as I did that night was a fluke really. I’ve lived a few really beautiful farces I’ll tell you that much.

I don’t understand that. I am who I am because I want you to love* *the real me and because I love the real me.

I will reveal myself to you in all my realms as we get there. You will have complete access to me. When I love; I love you so much more than you will ever guess I love you. I will do so many little things you never knew you were missing in life. As my sub you will have to earn it though. So come at me with 100% honesty. It’s the only way. Right?***


Everyone has insecurities, demons, secrets, secret dreams of all kinds. I promise to keep yours safe and I will expect the same from you. Of course I’ve revealed a whole bunch of mine online. Silly, silly me. If you’re reading this you have a massive heads start. Lol



I’ve never sold my body (for money). Men seem to think dinner counts but I’ve been on tons of dates and never put out soo yea. Who knows and I’ve gotten straight to sex and never wanted to get to know the person on any level whatsoever, especially not a meal. (That was primarily in my 20’s though. Boy were those fun times.)

**,or not love I suppose,

***I don’t honestly assume that anyone in the very small audience I have is a potential sub. I mean sure could be. I won’t rule it out. But I’m just kind of talking to myself out loud with these posts sometimes.


I swear sometimes it feels like we aren’t allowed to love ourselves in this society and then everyone else buys into the stupid game too. Why? It doesn’t make sense to want to be miserable in that sense. You carry you around everywhere you go. Don’t you want to love that person? You don’t need anyone’s approval to have that.

Some misery and most especially pain during sex is totally different and consensual BDSM is yummy. I say. Lol


As an addendum:

I’ve met lots of very nice, genuine, caring rich people. They exist and hopefully these boys outgrew this entitlement debauchery but power and money can corrupt rather easily. Now that’s a slippery slope if ever there were any. Lol but again; not everyone. Thankfully!

Steve Young

No, not the football player.

He was my first official boyfriend, but he wasn’t the first boy to adore me. He came with some scratches but I loved him unconditionally and blindly at 10.

He treated me so tenderly. He bled for me. I remember our first kiss. I couldn’t stop nervously laughing and he wanted to kiss me so badly. He calmed me down so sweetly….he adored me so softly. Even just the tender look in his eyes made me melt a thousand times over.

This is how I love. This is how I am loved. How I like to be loved. Less is not sufficient. It’s obsessive. It’s possessive. It’s the kind of stuff that makes your heart feel like it’s about to pound out of your chest. I need that…and I will do whatever I have to do to to you… to get it from you. I will get it from you and I will get even more. All I want. All of it and I promise you…you will be fulfilled beyond your wildest dreams too. You just aren’t here yet….


must have a happy heart to serve me

I’ll love you so hard you won’t remember to breath when I look at you. Lol

It’s just got to be mostly (almost exclusively) on my terms.

Negotiations will ensue.

I am ready. Finally ready for the real thing. My version.

Our version; my sweet, little, naughty boy.

“Let them eat cake!”- that’s a medieval and rather dark reference.