Not as angry / adulting

I’m starting to accept my situation. I was so angry and disappointed I couldn’t see that I was maybe overreacting and not thinking things through clearly. Even when it was pointed out to me I still didn’t want to face it. My ego was telling me that if I was going to lose everything that I was going to burn it down (in my mind) as I walked away from it all. Never to return or think about it again.

But…..

now that the time is coming to where a resolution will be finalized; either way….for or against me…. I’m not feeling as overwhelmed by it all. I’m feeling like losing my business, my house and all the money I had in the world isn’t the worst thing. In hindsight I wish I would have just gotten my mommy makeover instead, but at the time that seemed such a ridiculously frivolous option. Little did I know how hard the option I chose was.

Ho hum…..

The truth of the matter is…..my kids are the most important thing in my life. The teenager is thriving here. It is not fair of me to ask her to move away right before her last year. If I couldn’t help it and the destination was far better then sure. But I can help it and I didn’t quite know where we would go anyway.

Moving away from here is not off the table. But staying would be far better for these beings I’ve been put in charge of upbringing.

I was looking at rentals in town and I saw an affordable 3 bedroom house. It would still be financially tight, but it wouldn’t be drowning anymore. I won’t know until next month about the loan mod, but I can’t bet on that and seeing how hard everything has been I don’t have high hopes.

I hate moving and it’s not the beach, but it will not disrupt the teenagers success here and the connections she has made. And that’s so much more important than my bruised ego and temporary heartache.

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I used to hate being a kid. I had no control over my life. No one really minded or cared about me all that much. I wanted so much to be an adult. My happiest birthday was my 18th, even though I spent it alone. I was just so thrilled to have complete autonomy and freedom.

But now that I’ve been here quite a while I can’t say it’s really any better. I can’t say that my overall circumstances are much better as an adult. I know a bit more is all. I can make more decisions for myself.

As a child you see the world and it’s full of limitless possibilities and you think as an adult you’ll have the full range of them available to you. But the truth of the matter is that you really don’t.

Adult life seems so full of sacrificing and compromising and settling. I guess that’s all I can see right now. It seems to be how adult life works for most people. It’s not that it’s not fun. Its not that it doesn’t seem rewarding. It’s that it feels stifling and that’s exactly how I used to feel as a kid. So really…..what’s changed?

Not to sound depressing. I’m just starting to realize that I have to work harder at finding true happiness and peace within myself because the world outside isn’t always going to be accommodating and that’s just the way life seems to be. And the sooner I can find Nirvana for myself the better my life will be and that had nothing to do with absolutely anything outside of just me.

Storming Area 51

I thought it was so funny. I’m no longer sure if peaceful protests actually work but violent ones I’m not so sure about and I definitely wasn’t going to go.

I totally have no doubt, not even one milometer of indecision, so I’m not sure the plus side of it. Like why expend the energy. They exist. Should we know about it? I guess so sure. I just don’t see the government ever being honest about it. I mean Trump seems to me to be the best liar of them all so far. Like blatantly so and no one seems to care.

When truth matters to everyone maybe we can all start being more honest. Or maybe if we started being more honest the truth would matter more. The truth will change the world. Compassion is great. Acceptance is good. Love is ideal, but the truth is the real revolution.

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Off topic

Does it seem to anyone else that if all of humanity spent all the money they spend on military and defense systems and weaponry and military personnel and spent it on humanitarian issues instead we would have no world problems. Seriously. It’s just sooo much money. Blasphemous and idiotic. Yes yes. Keep playing war.

I know God

I know God so deeply. I understand that God shows love and devotion to us much more even than we can possibly fully comprehend because that is what God is; ultimate love.

So that is why I almost don’t want to know what lies beyond evil/good. I know it’s there, something large not in space and time or even density, but I sense something so strong.

Except I love God so much it feels so blasphemous to look beyond the duality of life altogether. I sit with that a lot.

My silly non Prince experience

I was 16 riding the public transit bus to school. It was in Pomona, not the safest of neighborhoods and short of my stint in Mexico the most I’ve ever seen of living with mostly not white and that many black people. Honestly it was a bit of culture shock for me at first, but it had lots of pluses. One such was my own version of Prince. Not as fully fabulous as the original but my mind has remembered it as a very pleasant episode none the less.

It was a long ride to school. Mostly very bored, even though people watching was fun but also even then a little uncomfortable. I didn’t end up riding the bus more than a few months before I quit school to help my mom out at her new business.*

But on the bus I met this guy that was so much like Prince. He had so much personality. He sung, though not quite as good. He danced, though not quite as sexy. He was not the most attractive man as neither was Prince (I thought then). He was soooo thin too and much older than me. But he would sing and entertain me. I had my own show every morning and he would tell me how beautiful _____**. And one day he didn’t get on the bus. I never saw him again and even though I always acted like he annoyed me slightly, or a bit shy and scared, depended on the time of month probably….. but when he was gone I really missed him and whenever I hear a prince song I think that was Prince and he’s singing it to me like he used to. Well. You know what I mean, I’m sure. And over the years I’ve meshed the two together and find him so sexy and I wonder in my adult eyes how I would see it all now sometimes. But whatever version of reality mine is….. I enjoy it very much. Lol

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*It was a mutual decision. I didn’t see where my life was going beyond high school anyway and I was bored and continuation school was easy and I had friends and was thriving but I felt like I was literally the best kid in the worst school where I’d rather be the worst kid in the best school. Lol. And I didn’t think I was going to college anyway. I was manically depressed too. Think we’ve covered this. So I got my GED..but anyway..womp womp.

**I am, I was, he saw me as. Which one is correct? Subjective. To me, and I do believe I will count my vote…… it’s the very first one. Please and thank you. 💋

It feels good to speak your truth

Even if your truth is dark and unpleasant and potentially volatile. There is something very empowering about it. I don’t know why there is such a cost to speaking the truth in this lifetime. It truly does boggle my mind but sometimes the truth is the only way. Sometimes the only way out is through the fire. And if it gives you your life back it’s worth it and if it costs you it then I suppose that should be just as good. Better to speak and live our truth than always be in the shadows of it. No?

Stop scaring me

I like Halloween. But I like it more in the pagan way it originally began as a festival to mark the season. Right? Or even the Hispanic tradition of honoring your dead loved ones. And I of course love costumes and trick or treating, except for the excessive and not great candy. What else would these kids want though? Lol. My kids included, unfortunately. Still cute as heck though and it gives a nice sense of community. I wish we had that here where I live. Anyway… point is.

I hate being scared. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t like watching the news because of this. I even filter the news I read. Because I don’t want to live afraid. I’m all for taking action when needed and being as prepared as one can healthily be. But don’t tell me about a danger in the world unless it’s to warn me about a situation I’m headed straight for or you’re going to help me out with it.

Like don’t tell me that within a year we will have a nuclear war unless you’re going to make a good bomb shelter easily and readily available to me. But then what? Do I want to live in whatever that world will look like? Probably not….. so why tell me?

Unless, maybe, I can do something about it. Then by all means. But I can’t do something about everything and I’ve got my hands full right now. So make a sticky note for later on and only tell me what I need and want to know now. Could ya? Be a doll. 💋

This is also exactly why I don’t share my conspiracy theories with people. Why add that to them. It’s actually worse if I inspire them to believe it. It’s a burden. It really is. So I don’t want to do that to people. But on here I do speak my mind. Maybe too much. Probably. Yea. Lol