Good or Bad?

I am an “always focus on the good” person. However this does not give me permission to not pay attention to the bad happening in the world. It gives me permission to see it, remember to do what I can, when I can, to help those in more need than myself and then to redirect my focus to something that lifts my spirits.

Last night I read an article about harvesting organs in China. I’ve known about this for over a decade. What I didn’t know is that most of the organs harvested are not for violent crimes. They are for “crimes against the state”. Most of the organs they harvest seem to come from a group of people called Falun Gong. These people are pacifists, they don’t smoke or drink and exercise is a key part of their beliefs.

So it comes to no one’s surprise that they are very healthy people. Harvesting organs is a very profitable business and China gets a lot of medical tourism because of this. I don’t understand how people can not question this when they get these organs. The will to survive is so great. I wonder with the suicide rate already pretty high if we took out the will to survive would we be like lemurs falling off a cliff*?

I’ve been of the mind lately that the gut plays a very HUGE role in mental health and that is why some drugs that unwittingly alter gut microbiota cause the side effect of suicidal thoughts. But let’s refocus. I don’t want to look at the bad happening in the world. Let’s focus on what I can do. I’ve been thinking of doing meals on wheels. It’s something that’s always appealed to me. Wonder how much of a time commitment that is? I’ve already helped in their soup kitchen before and that was fun.


The teenager climbed into my bed at 5am. It shocked me. I asked her if she was alright. She had a nightmare. At the time I didn’t know what it was about but I stayed up praying for about 30 minutes, to clear the negative energy and sure enough this morning she tells me it was about demons. It’s nice to see she still needs me “mama” besides just for my car, money, clothes and food. Lol

And I’ll leave you with this. Don’t ask me why I find this so adorable.

*Interesting anecdote but I guess it’s also false. They aren’t really committing suicide when they do this. Requires more reading than I have time for right now though.

Happy Monday!!


I validate myself

I woke up stressed and feeling a bit down. I keep wondering why I am pushing Brad away? Will I ever find a man who gives me all I want and need? Or at least one I find joy in putting up with all his idiocyncrasies for?

Brad makes my life easier in some regards and can be a lot of fun. But……something just isn’t right and I have no idea how to fix it.


I don’t need a man to validate me!!!! I don’t. Any man. I can validate myself. I am worthy of all I want in life. Whether I get it or not, who knows, maybe…. hopefully. But regardless…..I am worthy. I am. I don’t need to justify that. I don’t need to pay dues. I don’t need to have someone give me permission.

I was born from a source beyond any human capacity to understand and I will eventually return to that source, someway, somehow. Until then I choose to see myself as worthy of all the joy, love and beautiful experiences life has to offer me. Because why the hell not? And NO MAN can give that or take that away from me. My divinity is inherently in me and in control of no one else but me and this divine source.

This is my belief and I stand firm with it.

This is not to say I am an island. Far from it; I am a kaleidoscope of all the people, places, ideas and things I have let into my heart and soul. They have shaped me and will continue to do so. So I must try as much as possible to surround myself with entities that uplift and support my inner and outer well being if I am to thrive and survive and find peace in this trajectory.

And then of course make peace with those things I can not change to not drive myself crazy.

This thing with Brad is something I can not change and I need to just accept it. It is through no fault of my own. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.

Wishing you all a day of inner peace.


Letting go

Sometimes I feel like an idiot. It’s ok. I realize I’m human, having a human experience and being stupid is standard. I’m not even sure why it bothers me or why I try to avoid it really. Maybe it would make more sense to embrace it even more. Wonder how to do that? Generally speaking I still try to avoid it, when possible.

This thing with Brad though. Ugghhhh. He came over to take us out to dinner. The usual place the kids like; Red Robin. This is the second time this month that we’ve gotten bad service. Last night every time I engaged with the waitress her immediate first response was a look that said “I’m exhausted, this is hard work, give me a break” followed very quickly with a smile to cover it up. But not quick enough. Every single time too. It made me want to get the other waitress to help us, but there’s a weird thing about complaining to people that handle your food. There is a fine line to that.

The whole night except for one part was abysmal. Brad sat sulking through dinner with barely a word spoken. He bombarded me with stupid jokes, useless trivia and things I really was beyond not interested in the entire ride to the restaurant. I know he is trying really hard but less is more. Not to the point he sulks like a child though. Jeezus. I was so stressed out too feeling I had to pander to his emotional needs that it just added to the turmoil.

But at one point when we laid on my bed, the four of us and Lexi read us her pig storybook and we all laughed as she showed us the pictures. It was such a sweet and special moment in time.

But he asked me yesterday if I was using him. To say it shocked me to be asked would be a wild understatement. It absolutely floored me. For one isn’t this the man that is suppose to know me. Secondly it is beyond not in my nature. Third if he is so unsure that he has to question me directly then maybe he needs to just walk away. I felt so attacked and misunderstood and insulted and his retort was “I’m just trying to be transparent”, which is admirable. But…. I don’t get it.

It’s like last weekend when he accused me of purposely wanting to spill coconut water on his bed and head. Why in the world would I do that? “To be vindictive” he says to which I say “that isn’t me, my brain doesn’t work that way, I’m not like that”. Why must I defend myself over accusations that are so beyond my realm of existence? It just makes me aware that the disconnect between us has reached a point of no return.

And it saddens me even more because my youngest woke up and said “isn’t it weird how you don’t know reality from dreams” and I told her the moments right when you wake up are like that and she asked me “are we going Easter egg hunting?” To which I assured her we are and she says “because I had a dream we did an Easter egg hunt at Brad’s house and I found the best and biggest prize” and my eyes wanted to tear up.

(Me screaming into a pillow🙄😢😕.)

I’ve decided next month is my Kon Marie month. Brad will be leaving for almost the entire month to Florida so it will be a great time to get rid of the clutter that surrounds me. Get into my garage after I purge my house of all the useless crap that doesn’t “spark joy”. I need to make more friends too. Maybe go to a Femdom event and dust off the garter belt. Maybe start planning a garage sale.

Mama needs a new attitude.

Refresh. Renew.

Truly alive!!


Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Don’t eat too much!

Slave/submissive men

I was thinking of Brad and the difficulties we had as I was reading a post from a follower who is a “slave” and I couldn’t help think that if I had been able to exert more control over our relationship and him it would have worked better. Even my kids said we bicker too much and watching us together was like a battle of wills. They aren’t wrong.

The thing is….I won’t back down. I won’t. I know what will make me happy and I know what I want and I won’t settle for less. I’d rather settle for nothing. Being single isn’t a curse.

I can’t say I want this kind of relationship with all men. Everyone sparks different relationships with each other. No two people can have the exact same dynamic.

He needed to learn to have a happy heart. He needed to learn to let go of the anger and outbursts because it’s jarring and unnecessary 99% of the time. But that’s a hard journey to make and he would never really accept my help or advice. Which just led to a disconnect. I was trying not just to improve his overall life but more importantly our relationship, our interactions with each other.

Don’t get me wrong. It was mostly good and sometimes great and then other times just pure misery, like last weekend. It had never been that extreme but none-the-less this didn’t come out of thin air. It’s been part of a larger issue all along.

How do you tell someone you must follow my lead? How do you get someone to submit who doesn’t seem to want to, or wants to on their terms which defeats the point all together? You don’t. You can’t. A slave or sub must be submissive first and foremost for it’s own sake.

I love strong men. I have a penchant for them, but in the depths of our dynamic; in the sacred bond that is our relationship, I need almost full submission to my happiness. I know this about myself now more than ever. This is who I am. I’m not trying to bend anyone to my will just for the sake of cruelty. But I do need “my one” to bend for me of his own accord, out of his own desire to do so, for the beauty of our love, the sacredness of our union, to demonstrate his love for me.

Cheekiness is acceptable. Even desired as I do so love funishments.

One day maybe, or not. Who knows. It’s fun living and learning about myself. It’s one hell of a wild ride.



I get that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Even just incorporating it into sex can be fun though. But everyone has their own needs and desires in life. I’m just happy to figure myself out. Complex creatures that we are. It’s so fun to see how the workings of our subconscious work. To figure them out. To figure ourselves out. Isn’t it?

2 Theories -updated-

I have some theories I want to throw out there. One involves the appendix and the other pedophilia/rape/violent behavior.

Theory 1. The medical establishment is quite unsure what the appendix is for and quite often find the need to take it out before it bursts. In the naturopath community some doctors believe that the appendix creates a venom for parasites.

Right below the appendix is a pocket that parasites are known to inhabit because it is like a tiny alcove. I propose that parasites knowing that a venom comes out of the appendix create a barrier so it can no longer excrete fluids. This over time inevitably can cause the appendix to burst. This also explains why my research as well as anecdotal evidence suggests that you can avoid an appendectomy by having a series of colonics or a very aggressive enema protocol.

It makes absolutely perfect sense to me and all things align to form a perfect hypothesis, but I doubt it will ever gain traction in the medical establishment. There is zero money to be made from shooting water up your butt. Zero! Well. Not zero. Lol. It is after all what I do for a living but as far as western medicine I just don’t see it embracing the practice at all. Unfortunately. Maybe reluctantly they may since the microbiome is being attributed to more and more diseases and afflictions almost daily it seems.

I’m a less is more person. If I can find natural ways to achieve the same or better results as western medicine I’m all for it. Even if it is a more laborious path. I refuse to be a guinea pig and ATM to these pharmaceutical companies. Absolutely refuse.


Theory 2

So alcohol and drug abuse is a form of self abuse. It’s a form of internalizing your problems. Right? It’s an escape… generally from: pain, boredom, depression, anxiety, stress, feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, etc. etc. etc.

Pedophilia/rape/violent behavior is the opposite. It is an externalization of a person’s issues. They do not look within for relief they look outside of themselves to seek their fix, the pleasure, the power, the feelings they need to feel, what it is they need to inflict or receive from another. With little to no regard for the other person they involve.

So one directly abuses oneself and one directly abuses others*. But the former has a lot of help at their disposal. Meetings, clinics, therapists, outpatient and inpatient establishments set up to help those that internalize their problems.

But who help those that cause pain to others? It isn’t until they are in the system that it gets addressed. And then how? They get locked up for a determined amount of time and then set free under some form of half-ass supervision.**

I remember trying desperately to find help for someone close to me. I called inpatient places but they only catered to convicts and worked directly with jails and mental hospitals. I called and emailed countless therapist, sex addiction centers, and the such. I found absolutely no help anywhere.*** Ask yourselves. How can this be that we let people that harm children, women, elderly, the most vulnerable in society fend for themselves?

Because it’s just going to go away or not happen if we turn a blind eye? Yeah. That works really well. I don’t get this planet. I don’t get our social norms. I don’t get why if we are suppose to have this complex social network between us humans it’s so damn useless sometimes. It’s meant to do what exactly? Help us? I don’t see it. I just don’t see it.

I was watching the clouds today and wondering; do they have an intricate social network? Then I thought of the water they hold and wondered…. does water have an intricate social network? What would that look like? Do the particles that line the clouds enjoy higher status than the dense center parts? Do droplets of water form cliques?

It all made me laugh and yet made me so very sad too. This world so often makes me cry tears both of joy and tears of pain. So often I can’t help but wonder why the world is such a fucked up place. Inevitably I stop myself and refocus on the good. There is thankfully plenty of that too.

Ho hum……

Today……was today and tomorrow will be then….. soon now. Part of me wants to just be a neutral observer in this life and part of me wants to have expectations and fruition of grandeur, of ease, of happiness, of boundless energy and joyous divinity. And then I laugh at myself, because I feel like I know nothing, absolutely nothing about how life truly works. But here I still am, still just happy to be here. Still just trying to figure it all out.

Tired though. So tired.

Goodnight fellow earth dwellers. Fare thee well. Sweet dreams.




*Of course these things aren’t exclusive and a person can be a spectrum or combination of these extremes.

**There is anger management help, I’m not sure how effective it is, but at least that is available and mandated sometimes.

***By the time I found a psychologist that specialized in what was needed couldn’t get them to go. I can’t imagine how she helps though. As far as I know this is one of the most difficult desires to abolish, but if you go on Reddit (which I haven’t) there are threads from people who feel highly sexualized by these desires and thoughts but stop themselves because they know the damage it causes. Yet they must suffer alone and with little help to maintain their “sobriety”.****

There is so little research and help for something that has been happening since the dawn of time I’m sure. Why? 200,000+ years and counting and we are all still a bunch of idiots. Seriously!! Idiots. In this idiotic world ran by idiotic people and headed to where? Nowhere better it seems. Unfortunately.

Just plans to expand into outer space because we need to put more trash and idiots out into the universe. Watch out space, you’re no longer safe from our destructive and pillaging nature.

****I really feel this type of “other abuse” isn’t just about sex and sexual desires, it isn’t truly about satisfaction. It’s far beyond that, but where is the science to it? Who knows? Let’s just let them figure it out for themselves. Good luck. Say hi to your victims for us all. Society let you all down. Three cheers for the mass failure. But hey. Coechella is hella fun. Heroine is readily available, might as well cut the middle man and just snort straight fentanyl. Let’s keep arguing about the climate. And of course going to church Sunday absolves you of all your sins…. don’t worry about being a decent human being. That’s too much work, just come pray one day. That’s fine.

It’s sooo bad, so bad that I just can’t help but laugh. Thank God I don’t have to take any of this shit all that seriously, because then I really do think I’d kill myself. I really do.

Pass the popcorn please. I’m sitting today out. Lol. jk. I’m a single mom. Ain’t no rest for the dregs of society. 🤪🤣😝

Victim Mentality

I could very easily and probably appropriately see myself as a victim in this life, but I just don’t see the point of it.

I’m not being callous. It just doesn’t seem productive to me. Mourn, learn from any mistakes or role you played in it and move the fuck on.

Brad and I split up last night and I know this has been a rollercoaster of a thing from the beginning but alas that seems to be the way my love life goes. It’s a trend I’ll be happy to break one day.

I hope we stay friends, real friends and of course I’d love to keep fucking him and going to sex clubs together here and there. Just not the whole relationship thing.

Don’t ask me if it’s me or him or what but the whole thing was just getting to be too much for me.

I was reading this article about pathological loneliness. Jeesh. Always something new to line up for. Why do we do this to ourselves? Knowledge is power but in this day and age I venture to say it’s just become way too overwhelming. I am almost of the mind that I’d rather be ignorantly and blissfully happy than hear one more psychological, medical, financial evaluation of my life.


I’ve got so much to do. Going to enjoy my breakfast in the beautiful morning sunlight. Feels like full spring. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. The temperature is perfect. Not too cold, not too hot, not too windy, just a soft, cool breeze reminding you that it’s not summer yet.

I want to soak up the beauty that surrounds me and take off the shackles of all the things that are “wrong”. I want to embrace all the things that are good, all the things that make me happy.

If you don’t allow yourself to focus on the good, how do you expect to find happiness? It isn’t outside of you. It will never be. Outside things can only augment it.

I’ll just ignore the chemtrails above my head. Since there isn’t a God damn thing I can do about them anyway. I’ll rub my bare feet into the grass and be thankful for the many blessings my life does have.

“Smiles everyone! Smiles!” – Fantasy Island



Here is something that occurred to me a long time ago. My stance has changed since this happened. I no longer believe things are “just” a coincidence. So how do I explain this? I explain it as being what was meant to happen in my life at that time. Not that my actions conjured it up. More like it was preordained but it was also what I needed.

I was 21. I was not having a great time of it. I honestly can’t even remember why the big hubbub. I was just angry. Sooo angry and smart me decides it’s time to challenge God. I’m feeling that feisty.

So I start in; raging anger at God. Writing devil worshipping symbols on a piece of paper asking God to prove himself. I just remember being so mad I didn’t even care but even shocking myself (raised very Catholic) as to the words coming out of my mouth. After about 20 minutes I got tired and threw the paper away and went about my day. I was at work at the time. Working graveyards at the hotel.

Not even 2 hours later the Northridge earthquake hit. I almost wish I did believe in coincidences, but I knew even then what that meant. I have never said…… but more importantly I have never felt that way again, not purposefully at least.

Right now I do feel a bit sacrilegious when I purport the theory that because good is the opposite of evil, (to which we are both subjected to in this life) that like us they must draw their energy from something higher than itself. In my head this is all a bit more complex and organized than this. I am trying to simplify and abridge it.

Now, here is the thing though, I have no idea what that can be and having some knowledge of both of these entities you’d think I could make some sort of guess, but I can’t. I can’t wrap my head around something more powerful than that.

Of course….I get it. I only know what I know. I don’t have a starting point to even know where to begin to understand something beyond everything. It’s an interesting conundrum and one I never saw coming. Never, ever. And I’m just not sure where to go with this one.

I guess we shall see where it takes me, is the better way to see it. Lol

Happy Tuesday!!