I’ve been thinking of two serious issues/problems in my life. Ones I think I have some control over, at least. And I’m wondering if I’m looking at things wrong.
It started when I cleared off my manifestation board and then staring at the blank canvas wondering how to put into images and words the things I crave deeply within my soul.
There are, of course, the standard fare; health, financial stability, true friends/community. But I am really trying to be as precise as I can here, to clarify it for myself as well.
For my love life I want someone who loves me so much that it isn’t a tit for tat situation. There isn’t a working too hard to make me happy and appease me circumstance. It’s more of a I am loved, valued, understood and appreciated so much and the person wants my happiness so deeply they happily, gratefully, enjoy doing the things that make me feel adored, treasured and deeply cared for.
A person that nurtures me in the healthy and positive ways that I need so I can be the best me possible. That propels me to be more than I could ever dream with their love, support and deep believing and trust.
So I’m wondering if I need to be this person for myself first. I’m wondering if I am or ever will be in a place where I can attract this to myself, fully accept it into my life and then also nourish it. A love the likes of which I’ve never had….. so it makes it all very hard to say.
Spiritually, this whole good vs evil thing has me spinning a bit right now. I’m having a shift of thought, but I can’t quite grasp it all yet. I know when I spent those few days in Nirvana it was never once about good or bad. It was about living fearlessly, with a complete open mind and yielding heart; with no forethought or regret, no worry or apprehension. It was a joy at every single moment that came before me with a deep acceptance and gratitude for whatever presented itself and it was a flowing with life that is incomprehensible to understand unless you’ve felt it for yourself.
This is all difficult to write and explain because they are things beyond words. But to get to that place I need to step beyond the forces at play here. I need to go beyond looking at them as demon vs angel, good vs bad, heaven vs hell.
Because too when I think of all the things that have been negative in my life they also led me to be who I am; some came with lessons I needed to learn, some understanding I needed to achieve. That this had to come with msny hard knocks is something I need to come to terms with, accept and find peace within myself and forgiveness for, of course. So, that’s on me. But going forward, life needn’t be looked at that way. I needn’t think in those terms, good/bad; really simply “is” and what I choose to do with that is the most paramount thing.
The yin and yang of it all will continue to swirl around me, but I needn’t take up the fight. It’s not my battle. My war is the one raging within my own inner landscape; finding my own bliss in this chaos, ecstasy and horror, conquering my own inner turmoil and walking my own path, wherever that leads me. Accepting it all as part of the intricate dance that is living this life and connecting to my soul and the soul of everything and everyone as much as I absolutely can.
But how to turn that off?; the fear, the combat nature of this planet, the duality of ego vs soul. This I am seeing takes a courage I can only seem to find in the small, quiet depths of my being; one that is so easy to squelch, disregard and forget about. But it’s this delicate nuance that holds the key and I’m willing to bet it all on that.
May we all rise to our own challenges in life. 🙏🏽💋
I had a restless night of sleep and strange dreams; which I can’t recall. These long days are a bit challenging.
My eldest seems to be getting another bout of strep throat. Her fifth in a row. I refuse to give her another round of antibiotics this time, if I can help it. Her good gut flora must be completely wiped out already as it is. So I absolutely insisted on giving her an enema. I made her a warm garlic tea enema with colloidal silver and probiotics mixed in.
She immediately pepped up. But she woke up feeling about the same. I see that as a small win. She wasn’t worse. We’ll see if she does another one tonight. Repopulating her flora given her poor diet, high stress load and the four rounds of antibiotics will not be easy. But I’m up for the challenge if she’ll let me help her and do as I tell her.
It’s so hard dragging people to water let alone forcing them to drink it; even when it’s for their own good. Even when they are dying of dehydration and don’t realize it and you’re pointing it out vehemently. 🙄🙄🙄
Today I go in for my boob ultrasound. I also need to call around and see where I’ll go for the thermal imaging. It amazes me how idiotic Western medicine can be. They still want to claim thermal imaging as bunk science even when a thermal imaging camera at an amusement park recently helped a woman detect her own breast cancer. I just get so mad at the lunacy of it all. I really do. If people just used logic to look at these things without emotion; without taking sides or having prejudice.
Look at the cause and effects, look beyond the storyline they like to shove down our throats and question it for just a minute. Just long enough to truly listen to all sides of the matter. Listen to people; not just on the side one believes already. Then ask… where the money comes from that supports current standards and then where it goes to. Who really benefits? It’s like when the food industries themselves (milk/meat) help write the nutritional guidelines. Yea…that makes perfect sense. 🙄🙄🙄
Where’s the money??? I always try to look at that. That usually tells me more about the subject than the outcome of the study. Maybe it’s because I’ve learned to mistrust authority, government and corporation or at least hold my opinion until I’ve gathered enough competing facts and thought logically about the matter for myself. But….and I’m not trying to insult anyone here …. I’m not a lazy thinker.
I enjoy puzzles and figuring things that appear too complex out. I enjoy seeing who’s pulling the strings, where those strings go and getting to the bottom of things for myself. I enjoy figuring out who the real Oz is and what their agenda truly is. These things intrigue me deeply. The things that lie beneath the surface. I like digging into them and seeing it all; the good, the bad, and the truly disturbing.
I don’t mind being shocked and appalled by life. I don’t mind having to shift my entire thinking about something. I don’t mind being completely rattled and thrown off. I kind of enjoy it I guess. Where I think most people don’t. But I don’t buy into things just because someone tells me to, no matter who the “leading figure” may be. I am swayed by logic and deductions more than emotion, empty rewards or idiotic threats and scare tactics.
But most people seem to like their simple lives, with everything being exactly how they think it is, and just going about their day with a sense of normalcy and stability; without giving things much thought beyond that which they already think to be true. It’s almost like people seem to find comfort in the lies that keep supporting their narrow frame of mind.
I don’t know. But I think this sense of malaise everyone seems to carry around could be eradicated if everyone just opened up to the reality of the chaos of life and lived more open to the wonders of it all and truly started to see the things outside their tiny narrative.
But I can only do me. I have enough charge with my life and the people I’m supposed to help; whether that be my kids or my clients or just my fellow human beings. I can only do so much and be so much. This is me trying my best to pull back the blinders a bit, not just for me but for everyone.
There is truly, just, so much to see and experience here and we sell ourselves short, all of us, including still me. 🤷🏽♀️ But let me climb off this soap box; I’ve got to get cracking. 🤣
I didn’t gamble. Well. Technically I actually did. Brad gave me $60 at the bar and I won $200. Gave him back his money and kept the profit. But I drank alcohol; one cider and two glasses of wine. I actually feel fine. My liver seems fine. I’m not hungover and I was definitely a bit drunk for a hot minute until I got some food in me and passed out at about midnight.
This just isn’t how I want my life to be. But I’m being hard on myself. Which also isn’t helping.
In my head I have visions of being loved and supported by a cast of humans that are grounded and nurturing. That when I am hurting or needing of help center me in a way that is beneficial to my heart, body and soul; meditation, nature, wholesome food, loving touch, etc. etc.
I had a dream last night that my ex was a chiropractor and we had a clinic together in our house. We had several colleagues working in our practice and we focused on holistic healing. We actually used organic fruits to massage people’s pain and body issues away. The charge of the fruit absorbed negative energy and replaced it with a positive flow.
In another scene we were helping this couple pro bono with a terminal illness he had. But they were frustrated it wasn’t going as quickly or well as they had hoped. So the wife took a gun and killed him inside the clinic and then stepped outside and killed herself. She did it, in her mind, as an act of love. It was sad for everyone.
I woke up with these images still swirling in my head.
I had to drink last night.
It’s a way for me to better stomach what else I did. Which I won’t discuss now; nothing illegal, immoral or dangerous. Just something I’ve been told isn’t in my best interest. But no one is living my life but me and sometimes I need to decide what is and isn’t in my best interest and…..
sometimes that means a few steps back, purposefully. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But here we are. Welcome to my life.
I’ve been this way since I can remember. I would sit and wait for my mother to get home late from studying for her master’s degree. I knew I should have been in bed but I couldn’t sleep until she was home. I would stay by the window and watch the cars drive by hoping each one was her, but scared she would see me still up and be angry.
All the while thinking:
“What if something happened to her? What if she got in an accident? What if she’s dead?” And I would actually make myself so upset with these thoughts in my head that I would cry myself to sleep in bed. I never told her or anyone this. This is actually the first time I’ve thought about it in decades.
But being morbid to me has its benefits, so I try to use it to my advantage. Like today driving in traffic, which is distressing and stressful to me normally, I asked myself:
“When am I going to die? What if that time was right this moment? Do I want to go out in a ball of stress? Do I want to go out angry? Or can I let all this tension and anger go and just be relaxed and at peace with this all? Can I let myself be peaceful and happy right now?”
And it changed the script completely. Mind you I was still running late and driving a bit like mad Max, but not getting all that upset about it. I tend to try to think of life in terms of death a lot because it keeps things in perspective for me.
Another thing I do is remind myself of the times in life I’ve completely broken down and lost it. The time I ended up in the hospital on a suicide attempt. The times I cried for hours in the shower, didn’t eat for two weeks, or just couldn’t get out of bed. These were all times I didn’t slow down enough to see I was reaching a breaking point. Times I wasn’t nurturing myself enough and got completely blindsided by the difficulties life bitch slapped me with.
I use these references to remind myself it’s ok to take time for me. That I need to take good care of myself. That I am allowed my own love, devotion and nurturing, even if no one else is around, available or wanting to give it to me. I can do that for myself and if people don’t understand; If that doesn’t seem appropriate to anyone else; including my children… well honestly… that’s their problem. Hopefully one day they do understand and appreciate that I am being an example of what self-care can possibly look like. At least my own version; because everyone needs whatever version satisfies their own soul.
That said…. I had a night of touch, sex, laughter and pleasure and am feeling so recharged and happy today. I also started my period* which explains why I didn’t answer my phone yesterday; which is completely unlike me. But I was done dealing with people. Now I see why. Lol. Live and learn. 46 years and I’m still learning about life and myself. It’s been a wild ride, but I’ve got my seat belt on.
*I track it. You’d thing I’d remember a thing that comes every single month, yet it always seems to catch me off guard. Like “oh yea, that thing again”. Wishful thinking maybe on my part that it will just be gone one day, with no signs or adjustments at all. Just like poof, all done. Easy peasy. Can’t even remember anymore. Lol. Guess we’ll see about that one.
My life seems to be evolving into a place where sex isn’t a priority. I guess, after being in a basically sexless marriage for 15 years I ricocheted pretty intensely into overdrive. But I’ll be 4 years divorced in a few short months and I’ve healed and transformed a lot since then. So much so, that I can see pretty clearly that I have a lot more road left ahead of me still.
And I think I’m getting to a place where things have shifted for me towards a more spiritual path. Not to say I don’t still want and enjoy sex. If I had a partner handy I’d be having sex daily, if possible. But, the intensity of it is waning. Maybe this is just an ebb. Who knows? I’m ok with it though. Especially because it turns off the “boy crazy” in me and let’s me focus more on myself.
I’m really not thrilled with the difficulties and struggles in my life, but I am happy with where I am going on a personal level. I see the issues I am dealing with. I see my own errors and fragmented thinking around my current and past trauma. And I have a better sense for what I want for myself. I just don’t have the map for getting there. Will I ever? I don’t know.
The realization came to me today that I would be perfectly content leaving this business behind and focusing on energy healing and finding my own version of Zen or Nirvana. But how to do so financially is more murk on the already fuzzy landscape that is my financial solvency.
I can’t say where any of this is going. But all the same….
I’m happy to be here.
I really do. It’s my personal mantra to not complain. For one, I don’t really see the benefit. Secondly, no one wants to hear it, and that generally includes myself. Thirdly, why bother? Is there really nothing else more positive to say or do? I mean, of all the things possible, complaining just seems the most basic (and yes I do mean that in a derogatory sense).
But even with all this said I do sometimes see that it does feel good to get things off one’s chest. It feels good to put into words one’s frustrations and let them out of the body and mind to hopefully be free of it. Ideally that is, and that I do see benefit to.
I’ve had a few challenging days and clients this week. Some of the clients I have had the most enjoyment getting to know, have now finished their series and I don’t expect to see them again for a bit of time. (Assuming I keep my house and business, would potentially be next year. As I told them to come for maintenance yearly or another detox as needed.)
Yesterday I had a client come in that I could barely keep in their session. They were not having an easy time of it. So we cut the session early. I try to go at least 45 minutes, ideally to a full hour. Some of my colleagues don’t go anywhere near the full hour, yet because I see the benefit of it and want to give clients the most for their money I try to make it a point. I have the luxury of doing that because I set my own schedule and it is my own business.
But I could not get this client to stay on and I obviously can’t and don’t want to force anyone. So then they text me later asking if they can make up that time for free with another session. And while I am so grateful for the work and these Eastern European clients have so many wonderful qualities, there have been some difficulties for me. Like here, having to explain that this was not my fault and that I use all the same materials and have to clean the equipment the same whether someone is on 5, 30 or 60 minutes and that this was not feasible is not easy for me. My impulse and desire is to do what people ask of me.
But I’m having to set some boundaries and yet still bend much more than I’m used to. Because once word for mouth between them got out that I do tummy work and foot reflexology and have free beverages and a sauna available in my studio it’s been a bit difficult for me. Sometimes three people will show up for one person’s appointment and all want free services. They want drinks and time in the sauna and to talk to me and it’s a lot of energy and output on my part…. and it is wearing me a bit thin; my feet hurt, my supplies are being exhausted, my stamina is waning.
Most of them are very nice about it but still. Then too, this doctor is sending me clients (particularly men) that don’t want to be here. They seem completely opposed to my services and having to deal with their attitude and disregard is exhausting as well. I have been having to turn away clients to accommodate everyone, even my own regulars and for them to be so disrespectful is a bit unacceptable to me. Like if you don’t want to be here, then I really don’t want you here…. so go.
It’s all fine. This will be done soon. I guess yesterday what finally just snapped me a bit was this older mother who did nothing but complain the entire session and beyond….. because she was in my space for nearly 3 hours (having come with another client). So I had to continually hear her sob stories, but it wasn’t just that exactly. It was her frame of mind. As if her troubles were her entire identity, as if this “poor me, my life is so difficult” was all she could be in life.
I’ve dealt with people with deadly diagnosis who were more cheerful and had better perspectives about life then she did and just the non-stop spewing was way too much. I even smudged my space after they left and said a prayer. I don’t think she gets how toxic her mentality is, not just to herself but on everyone else too.
I’m not saying she hasn’t had a raw deal, but there are many ways to look at any one thing and she chooses to stay in a frame of mind of misery and then expects everyone to feel bad along with her. It’s too much for me. I don’t have a high tolerance for that.
Well… still. This culture, these people have some very admirable qualities and some of them I would be honored to have as friends and am truly delighted to simply meet and work with them. I appreciate how tight knit and family oriented they are. I appreciate their knowledge and desire for holistic and natural medicine.
I do feel I still have a lot to learn from this experience and I truly am grateful for the work. It’s just that trying to maintain my own mental, physical and emotional equilibrium, with everything going on personally along with all this work is a bit of a challenge.
At this point I don’t even have time to make the appointment I need for that biopsy. It will have to wait for next month. It’s fine…. part of me just wants to forget about that entirely anyway, so this allows me that luxury. Yet part of me wants to just get it over with asap…… but whatever it is, it will still be there a few weeks from now anyways. So really.
full slate of characters today. Hoping the smudging will turn around the energy and make things smoother and easier for me. I’ll deal with whatever comes of course, but that would be nice and I like to have that thought going into the day.
Hope you all enjoy your day of presidents. Lol