My pyramid

The way I see my life

Because it is my life

Is me on top of my singular pyramid

I am standing at the pinnacle

Arms outstretched

Lifting my eyes to the sky

Calling out

“I’m here, this is me!”

Under my pyramid is Mother Earth

God

Water

Sun

Air

Moon

All the things with which I would not exist had they not existed first….

Each point of the pyramid beneath me

Is each of my daughters

And the man I love

They are not beneath me per se

They are my strength

They are my reasons for living

They are what gives me direction and purpose

Within the pyramid is every belief, experience, understanding, interpretation of my entire life

Everything within is in flux

So the walls are a solid yet permeable material

While all is clearly visible within; nothing is tangible to anyone else

Because it is after all my life.

——–

I’ve had dreams and visions of having my own little family since early childhood

I’ve prayed and envisioned a love like no other since my young teenage years

And yet here I stand 30 plus years later

Still here wondering, hoping, praying

Feeling no closer really

I was crying last night wondering if I would be better served just thinking of myself as triangle. It’s funny now thinking of it. I just don’t think I can let go of the one of the most powerful dreams that I’ve held for so very long.

I suppose maybe that could give way for new dreams. But who am I trying to kid here? I am hyper-sexual. Not that I am equating sex to love. That is absolutely not the case.

I don’t know really.

——-

When I listened to a lot of love songs as a child I would not see them as men singing to me the girl but I would be the singer singing to my beloved. Songs like

Right Down the Line – Gerry Rafferty

They was how I wanted to feel for someone. That was how I primarily saw it and I never even questioned or understood how I was putting myself in the “male” perspective.

But love doesn’t have a perspective. Does it?

——-

I have no idea what I’m doing here. Has anyone gotten that? I’m just plugging along still finding my way through whatever this journey is suppose to be.

I know I’ve been promised nothing and given much and I’m comparing myself to no one. Grateful for all I have and am and if at the end of it all I am indeed just a triangle. So be it. That will be more than ok too. Won’t it?

🦋

—–

Technically a pyramid can be triangular. But this is all very metaphorical if that wasn’t quite obvious. Lol

Devotion and Femdom

Devotion is a funny thing

Because theoretically it should be bidirectional

But that doesn’t mean it’s equal

Society is very used to women being the ones to sacrifice and put the male and family needs first

But that isn’t how I like my relationships to go

I am utterly and obsessively devoted to the men I love

But in my own way

Possessively

All encompassing

Exponentially

Never-endingly

But my needs must be met FIRST

And this isn’t something a lot of men understand

——–

Maybe I should just give up on love. I seem to do it all wrong anyway. And I can’t settle for the way the majority of people seem to navigate their sex lives…. let alone the lack of true devotion, or what I understand to be devotion.

Kurt would send me articles and tell me repeatedly to study Femdom. He wanted me to study the rituals and the protocols. Yes fine. I understand the reasoning for this. But true devotion and love yield themselves to the relationship and its needs.

———–

I feel so often deeply misunderstood in life and yet I think I’m the easiest person to understand because I’m the most honest person I know, except for drunks and little kids. I will, generally speaking, answer almost any question with complete sincerity. Because I don’t see the point of communicating if lies and deceit are part of the equation. Maybe other people enjoy that kind of thing.

But I don’t see the point. Lying is easy. Any fool can lie. The truth and being vulnerable and showing those two aspects of your deepest self; that is hard. That is the communication I want from the world. That is what I strive to give.

Devotion seems a thing of mythical proportions to me sometimes, something that was lost in another place and time. Yet everyone seems to want to talk that talk, and seek devotion, but so very, very few seem to be able to really walk that walk.

Is there a time?

Children won’t be seen sexually? Even though they are born sexual creatures. Is there ever a time that won’t be abused?

—++++

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=TRt4hQs3nH0&feature=share

——–

I saw this cute couple at dinner yesterday. I couldn’t stop staring at them. They had two of the cutest little boys and if I were a baby snatcher that little bundle of cuteness would be mine*. They barely spoke much to each other (the parents). They were in the thick of it. I was just proud of them for getting out of the house, and trying to enjoy a good time at a nice restaurant, which is more than I would do when mine were that small.

I wanted to give them encouragement and instead when the little boy was standing on the chair I gasped loudly. I’m sure they heard. Everyone probably heard. I couldn’t help it. One of the worst days of my life was when my then 4 year old eldest fell and practically cracked her head after I told her to get off the railings repeatedly. But as a parent I didn’t force her to and regretted it deeply.

The father had his arm on the chair. Which immediately gave me relief but then Mr. Safety (Brad) heard me and looked and said something that was unnecessary and loud and I felt horrible for pointing it out, without meaning to.

Sometimes I really feel I should not leave my house. Lol

This is what I’ve been listening to this morning. I’m a simple girl. 😏

💖🥰🌈🙏🏽🌞💋

——

*I just have such boy envy. But one day I’ll have a little grandbaby boy I’m hoping… just no time soon though….no time soon. 😬

Being human

Means making mistakes

Sometimes big ones

Sometimes ones we never see the repercussions of

That’s why the Ho’oponopono prayer is so beautiful

And meaningful to me

I will never truly know the full count of my life until the end

And even then only if the reel shows your ripple throughout all of time and space.

We are so much more magnificent and capable and powerful than we will ever grasp

And I’m not even talking in the physical sense

And being human can also mean playing with divinity

And that is a phenomenal experience

—–

I was in a lot of pain last night

So I took an extra large dose of CBD & THC

And of course it makes me a tiny bit paranoid sometimes and way too introspective

And I asked myself what were I to feel if I were to die right now

And my very first response was

“I’m not done loving yet”

Lol

Of course eating tacos by the seaside wouldn’t be bad either. Would it?

——

Now unfortunately this little being gave up its life, but imagine if a little slug has this much impact. How we can not possibly have more?

I’m not sure this story is real. But in a morbid way I kind of hope it is. Sorry little slug. 💋

I’m probably wrong

But it feels to me like when one person is being an asshole to someone else it was either a misunderstanding of someone else’s heart/intention or that looking at them makes them see a side of themselves they don’t like. And this is brought out from their own sense of judgement and consciousness of self worth. Which stems from a deep psyche judgement of their perceived value and even lack of self love in some cases.

It just seems to me we are all broken pieces of lights, like the kind that shine from those beautiful stained glass windows that adorn some of the churches of the world. Aren’t we all beautifully shattered creatures in our own unique ways.

That’s where the pleasure and pain of life seeks in I suppose. Just as those cute sayings say.