Nonchalant

I don’t entertain nonchalant men. I need a man to make it known beyond a shadow of doubt that he wants me, needs me, is desperate for ME and me alone. Why? Lol well…… because it’s fucking glorious to be the center of one person’s universe. It isn’t a matter of worthy or unworthiness. It’s a matter of absolute necessity to me. Because otherwise what’s the damn point? I’d rather be alone than be someone’s just ok, just for now or good enough. Nope. Next!

But how many men do I need? Truthfully, I need one. Just ONE. Last night my business mentor threw me a curve ball with trying to make our arrangement more personal. He was not shy about it either. This is a wonderful man. Emotionally mature and available, settled in life, understanding, transparent and vulnerable….he also has children my age, but more importantly I have been in this on again / off again pattern with Brad and haven’t quite thrown in the towel on that yet.

If I were not with Brad would I entertain him? I’m not sure honestly. I was told by my psychologist that I need to go out with men that I don’t have a magnetic pull towards. Men that don’t make me swoon, because those men all seem to mimic a pattern I need to avoid. Harsh. πŸ˜’

(You know….. I didn’t ask for the difficulties in my life. I didn’t ask for problems most people can’t wrap their heads around. I didn’t ask to have so much heaviness surrounding me. And while I take it all in stride and just make the most of it, it still makes it hard to make friends. It makes it hard to date. It makes it hard to navigate the delicate balancing act I must always maintain. One people don’t see and aren’t aware of but colors my life so many shades of deep emotional pain.)

My mom says “I can see the allure for Brad. You’re his damsel in distress”. I hate that. I don’t see myself that way. All I want and need from a man is love, understanding, to be my rock and my support but most importantly I need an oasis from the turmoil in my life. As of now Brad both adds and takes away stress and if we can’t balance this out more in favor of taking away or at the very least NOT adding then it’s doomed.

But I’m going one day at a time here. Trying to just go with the flow. I have no idea what the future holds. I know what I want and I know what I will and won’t put up with. I know I need respite. I need adoration. I need space to be myself and an understanding of my needs and fulfilment of my deepest yearnings. I long to give myself fully and completely to a man….. give all my love, my life, my entire being over to a love so true.

I mean… I’ve only waited my whole life to do this. I’m not settling. When it comes it will come. When I know, I will know. I don’t need to justify myself. These are my needs. These are my desires. One day one man will find himself with a love like no other. I guess we shall see who that will be.

Why do I like control?

My mother was just here visiting again. She still doesn’t understand my need to Domme. She asked me why I like men giving me so much responsibility for their lives. She reminded me how Kurt would ask me what to wear in the morning. She asked if I don’t get enough of that with the kids.

I laughed. I tried explaining that it was different. With the kids the responsibility is inherent. But men choose to give up control to me. Which makes it a delight I just don’t have words for. A pleasure that satiates me at levels nothing else does.

Why do I like it? Well….first of all it goes a lot farther than like. But I’ll see if can explain it. For me personally, it’s about the tone of the relationship. It’s about the level of intimacy. It’s about the depth of passion and commitment. It’s about the rush and pushing of thresholds of a power exchange. It’s about this and sooooo much more.

It seems really a silly question to begin with. Lol. I guess it’s not for everyone so maybe it’s hard to understand, but it sure is for me.

πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ₯°

Lonely = Horny

I don’t know where in my little brain I began equating boredom and loneliness to horniness. But it seems to be the correlation my mind makes eventually. Maybe because once I orgasm I feel better. Maybe because it’s a great solo activity. I’ve talked about how I got my moniker before. I never really have the kind of time to watch porn and masturbate until I orgasm 4-5 times anymore though.

I no longer watch porn all that much either but I do like that I don’t have to go to the video store or pay for it. A simple search brings me all the free porn I could possibly want.

Tonight I plan on taking a long hot bath, putting the kids to bed and then masturbating until I pass out. It’s good to have goals.

Happy Friday!!

πŸ’–πŸ’‹

Ocean Breeze, Orgasms

I am a water baby. I love the water. I’ve always been happiest when I’ve lived near water. I especially love the ocean and have had the opportunity to live a block from the ocean at several points in my life and tremendously enjoyed those times.

Now I live in an abundance of water: rain, rivers and streams. There is something within me that draws me to water. Something that rejuvenates my soul. Which is why I truly don’t understand how we devalue water so much in this world. I remember when I was really sick my mother took me (against my will) to emergency and I told her “Mama, I don’t need to be here. All I need is love, water and mota.”

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I’m realizing more and more that my orgasms are about 65% mental. Since my body doesn’t respond as easily as it used to my mind now must compensate. Which means I really have to be into it and want it for it to work. This is not a good thing. Sex just for the sake of having sex and feeling good is what I’d much rather have. But things change, life changes you. A new normal unfolds. Guess I just figure out how to navigate this new epoch. Lol

β™₯οΈπŸ’‹πŸ₯°

She Cries

When no one sees

In the middle of the night

She tucks into herself

And wails silently

With shivers

And gasps

She bemoans

The pain

And overwhelming load.

The quiet loneliness of the night only adds too the distress.

But in the day

She is bright

Cheerful

Full of gratitude

Heavy with optimism

It’s just sometimes

On night’s like this

She gets flooded by tears that won’t stop

And monsters that come begging to be fed

And even though she knows the angst will disapate

And she will rise up again in the morning ready for whatever comes

Saving her tears

Her worries

Her fears

For the next such event

She wishes it wouldn’t come back

Wishes life wouldn’t overtake her like this

And leave her helplessly crumbled to her knees

She wishes she could be the hero she needs

Fluid, Double Penetration, morning sex.

I live in a transient state of mind. Recognizing life is subject to change at any moment.

I make plans. I just don’t hold on tight to them. They don’t become real to me until the moment I do them.

In fact; my most difficult days (as far as stress) are the days that are scheduled top to bottom with activities.

It’s hard to be fluid and also time regimented.

It’s why I allot 2 hours per client. It’s why I like to bubble in extra time between activities. It’s why I try to allow space for downtime each day; even if it has to be as a bookend.

I need fluidity in my life. My soul requires it. There are things I’ve found that augment to the fluidity. Things I’ve mentioned so many times now that it seems torturous to bring up again: yoga, meditation, THC, mindfulness, following your gut instincts, listening to your heart, deep breathing, spending time in nature, watching the world with an open heart and no judgement.

Fluidity is difficult for me in that it isn’t something I can focus on too much or that also will bring me stress. It’s something I must allow in, be aware of and strive for. It takes not so much focus as a redirecting. Like in meditation when you redirect your mind to whatever it is you’re trying to achieve: silence, focus, energy, a specific outcome in life, nothingness, connecting to God, etc. Your mind wanders. It’s what it does.

Fluidity is NOT following the hamster wheel of the brain but rather following the flow of life itself. I like to explain things because I sometimes feel like when I explain it I understand it better myself. Lol. So this is more for my benefit than anyone else’s really.

—-

Brad wants me to, not so much stop sleeping with my ex but to, incorporate him into it. i.e. he wants to be there from now on. He really wants to do double penetration. I’m all for it but I can’t imagine this sitting well with my ex.

It’s so cute to see his enthusiasm. He is also chomping at the bit to go back to the club and have us do a Dom/sub play scene in front of an audience. He such a huge exhibitionist.

He’s here now. Supposedly giving me my daily orgasm. But he got soft on me and I ruthlessly dismissed him to go make us eggs for breakfast and told him his soft dick was completely useless. Lol. It’s so funny and fun to be cruel. I do plan on getting my orgasm in; one way or another. But mentally and physically torturing him is such sweet added bonus. I just can’t help myself.

I do so love MY cock. He knows this. So knocking him down a few pegs is not a bad thing.

πŸ’‹β™₯οΈπŸ’‹ Kisses

Going to go enjoy my eggs now.

It’s official, trainable

Well. It’s official. Today I reached out to my old naturopath to see about forming a partnership to implement a modified Gerson protocol and be able to offer specialized colonics to clients; coffee, probiotics, electrolytes, nutrients, supplements and what I’m most excited about (drum roll please) oxygenated colonics. First feelers out, let’s see where this new road leads. It might seem like a small thing but to me this is a monumental step towards where I want to be in life.

I used to think colon hydrotherapy was enough of a niche market but now I see that the need exists for much more specialized healing modalities and having myself been cured with The G.T. I know the value of it. I also know the load our bodies are under physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically. I think a combination of clearing out all of the shit (literally and figuratively) will bring about the natural healing people are desperately seeking in the world. I see it. I’ve known it. I’ve done it and still do it for myself. I can’t just sit back and not help. I just can’t.

Part of me is fearful about it. About all those naturopaths that have been found dead of “mysterious” causes over the last few years. But I refuse to let fear stop me. If this is where God wants and needs me then I will keep getting clear signs of it. Which I already believe I have been. Everyone has to follow their own rainbows in life. It’s not for others to always understand or agree with. I never imagined myself here in life but I feel so deeply blessed to be able to help people in whatever capacity I can.

——–

Let’s be gross for a second. I’m still on this modified Jensen Protocol. I am amazed at what is coming out of my digestive system. Those diagrams of unhealthy colons that show bacteria. OMG. Looks exactly like that. Sluffed off bacteria. Disgusting!! But like I tell my clients when we see weird stuff in the view tube “better out than in”. Lol

——–

I will be the first to admit when I’m being a hypocrite. So I can recognize I am one with Brad. I expect him to change his behaviors to suit me. He himself has told others that he is “still around” because he is trainable. This is completely accurate. That’s not to say that I don’t make accommodations for him. I absolutely do. It’s just that I have no intentions of modifying myself. I am perfectly happy with me “as-is”*. Any changes to my psyche are off my own volition alone.

Of course there are so many things I don’t discuss here that I absolutely adore about him and our relationship. Things that are so sweetly “delicate”** and just between him and I. I can’t possibly share everything. Te he he.

The Secret – Michael Parkes

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*As Is – Ani Difranco

**Delicate – Damien Rice

Don’t ask me why I picked these songs. They have a bit more negative connotation than I wanted to incorporate, but they popped in my head. I like them. Not much more to it than that really and me wanting to share what’s swimming around in my head. Lol

KissesπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹