So I started with Jill today. We were chit chatting about marriage and dating and I was bitching about having to compete with women half my age for men my same age or even older. Although truth be told I dated from 22 to late 50’s. Sooooo. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking.

Then I say that sometimes I regret starting a business and not getting a mommy make-over instead. And she asks me how I mean it and I make the Jessica rabbit figure in the air in front of me. And she rolls her eyes.

She says “a man would be lucky to have you and you have to believe that.” And I say “yes I know your right but it’s all in the swiping now-a-days. The echelon of men was better the better my figure became.” And she outright laughs. “Do you really want a man that only cares about that?”

“No” I say “but humans are visual creatures”. Then I say the thing I regret saying, because I know when I fall in love every rational thought falls out the window anyway but I said “I wanted to get married again and have financial stability” and she says “do you still want that?” and I said “I don’t know”…..and that’s the most honest I felt all day.

Then she says “you know my husband isn’t a big money maker. We don’t have much that much, but to this day he can still make me laugh” and she smiled so authentically. That was honestly the most romantic thing I’ve heard someone say (outside of social media) in years. It was so tender and sweet.

I forgot how much I liked co-workers. Although technically she’s my boss.


Case Study #9 – taboo sex – fiction – pedo

Mars knew the moment he walked in he would be trouble for her. It was the softness in his eyes and the way he stared at her, as if he knew her deepest desires and was going to ravage her. She always found that irresistible and now here was this man that she was immediately drawn to sitting quietly on her sofa.

She sat beside him and drew in her breath. Normally she liked to sit across from her case studies but who was she kidding, this was going to be much more. She wasn’t going to pretend, neither of them needed it. They both knew what they wanted and it was something so intangible and unspoken that her mouth watered just thinking of it.

He opened up the brief case that he had set by his feet and pulled out a manila envelope. He held it in his arms protectively. Mars knew this was very serious but she was breathing hard already trying to stave off the lust that was building within her groin and having a hard time concentrating.

He was much older than her but he carried himself with this youthful energy that she found so captivating. She tried to snap out of it and as she was about to get up to get a drink of cold water he caught her arm and put the folder in her hand.

“My life is in your hands” he said. “You wanted proof……here it is.”. She settled back into the couch and held the envelope gingerly. Did she want to know? “It’s my daughter and my nieces, as you can tell from my age you can probably guess that they are full grown women now.”

Mars head was swimming. This was beyond wrong. She wasn’t sure she could stomach it. And what was the right thing to do here? She didn’t know his real name, his address, and his number had come up unknown. Plus he would not leave them with her anyways. She took 3 deep breaths, looked at him as he stood perfectly still waiting to see what she would do.

She slowly, methodically opened the envelope and reached in. There were about 36 Polaroid pictures inside. She drew them out and slowly took them in. The first one was of a young female, naked from the waist down sitting on a man’s lap. She was facing him with her legs straddling his so she was spread open. She had a soft smile on her small face as if she was trying very hard to please the person taking the photo.

The rest were about the same. Some were much more graphic though. She handed him the photos back once she had studied them all and didn’t even bother putting them back in the envelope because the need to vomit hit her in a giant wave. She ran to the bathroom and tears came from her eyes as dinner resurfaced again.

She sat there slumped on the floor letting herself cry for a very long time. She washed up and walked out quite a bit later surprised that he was still there. “I’m sorry” he said. She didn’t know what to say to him or exactly why he was there. He had heard about her case study and that because she wasn’t a professional counselor or affiliated with the government or under government oversight he was free to share with her whatever he wanted to. This freed him up to speak candidly about something that had plagued him now for many decades.

“My ex-wife left my daughter and I was she was very young. I think she could see for herself what was going on already but she felt powerless to do anything. By the time she suspected I had groomed our daughter to enjoy our little tickle times together. My nieces were just because I couldn’t help myself and had the opportunity.”

Mars ran back to the bathroom and threw up again. About 10 minutes into sobbing and dry heaving he knocked on the door. She had left it unlocked so he was just being polite as he was in the doorway already. “I found this in the fridge” he said as he handed her a mineral water. She gratefully took it.

“What is it you want from me?” She asked angrily for reasons that mostly belonged to her. “I heard you can help people, sometimes” he said quietly. “I have so much guilt and I know what I did was wrong and I don’t want to be that person anymore” and she saw the tears running down his cheeks and couldn’t help but feel a small twinge. He probably had some story of his own to tell of his own past and childhood… she guessed. That seemed to usually be the case, just that she had never seen it presented like this. The cases before this were mostly victims and couple of their perpetrators but only if they were willing to put in the work she gave them.

She didn’t take it easy on them. She was creating an intensive protocol of emotional maturity/dexterity building, body cleansing, anxiety control/biofeedback, group and solo meetings almost every day and also in a very few cases, severe BDSM. She wasn’t having a bad time of it. She cried a lot, got angry some, but so far….of all the sessions this was by far the worst.

No sooner did she take two swigs of the water and it came back up so forcefully she felt like she was going to pass out. Her body swooned out of her control and for a second the world flashed black. He reached up and grasped her waist just in time. Her body flapped back against his and her head rested on his chest. He leaned down and picked her up under her legs and back and took her to the couch.

He laid her softly down. “They didn’t suffer.” – he said. “I treated them tenderly and lovingly. I made sure once they were awakened that they were enjoying themselves and what I was doing.”

She violently shook her head no. She didn’t want to hear anymore. She couldn’t bare it much more. Was this what vertigo felt like, she wondered. There was a faint ringing in her ears and the sweat on her brow was unmistakable.

He stopped…..while he kept watching her intensely. “You are very pretty. I’m sorry that this happened to you” softly he whispered as he sat beside her on the couch stoking her hair and moving it away from her face and neck to give her some comfort.

“Please don’t touch me.” She said as he slowly withdrew his hand to his lap. “It doesn’t take much for you does it?” – he smiled slyly at her.

She scowled back at him. In truth she had liked it very much and it was turning her on ever so little….or maybe he had put that suggestion in her head. She couldn’t even tell. “It takes a lot to cum and nothing to just get aroused” she said…..”I blame my age.” And didn’t understand why she was even answering him this much detail and intimacy.

“No” he said, “with the right man the connection will be so strong it will take very little, trust me”. She found it un-ironic that he would say that last part.

“I don’t know that I can help you.” – she said trying to draw the conversation back to some semblance of professionalism as she sat herself up.

“Look” he said. “I know your methods are unconventional and I know you made everyone sign letters of absolute consent and no liability”.

She was impressed he had done so much homework and then wondered how good her security camera was and if it could detect facial recognition. She didn’t know the statue of limitation for the state though. She also didn’t know any more details than she had barely been able to stomach. Did these now grown women still need help? Or could he be targetting a younger generation now? If she didn’t take the case she wouldn’t be able to know these things. She wouldn’t be able to help anyone at all.

“Thank you for listening” he said. “If it weren’t hard for you I would be more worried about this. Think that maybe you’ve been hardened. I’m glad to see you haven’t been. Otherwise I’m not sure your incentive would really be there to help me.”

She looks at him quizzically. She was suppose to hate him. That’s what she knew she was suppose to do. But she couldn’t find it in her heart and she could see and feel the pain and guilt he carried.

“Ok” she said….. “if you really mean business and you’re going to take what I say 100% serious and be accountable to me then I need to see that you know who is in charge here.”

He looked at her calmly but his eyes blinked faster. “What can I do?” he said, too quickly. She knew then….. that he was going to be hard to break.

“Take off all your clothes, fold them neatly on that chair in the corner and get on your knees with your hands behind your back and your head bowed down.”

He hesitated and that was just the response she wanted to see. The shift she needed to see happen. Maybe this can be a bit fun she thought to herself and she went to get her large blue peacock box from the closet. Maybe this will be some fun after all.

To be continued……….

Each Moment Anew

That’s the goal. That’s the desire. That each moment of my life I can have enough clarity and be living deeply entrenched in the reality of that exact experience that expectations and fears don’t color it. That I am free to respond to whatever is happening with fresh eyes and an open heart. But….. that requires a level of being that is not often possible or at the very least somewhat difficult.

Today I engaged in a not very positive way with someone. I have no idea why they took their anger or boredom out on me and my blog. I don’t even know if it was a real exchange. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I was busy and I let them distract me and then fluster and ever anger me and I reacted instead of acted. I make no excuses for myself except to say I’m human and I should have known better than to engage.

It started out with my trying to help but soon escalated into verbal diarrhea on both of our parts. I should not have let myself be goaded like that. But it did make me reevaluate some deep thoughts around my latest sexual escapades and play.

Tomorrow I see a therapist that specializes in pedophilia and sexual deviancy. She works with both victims and victim-makers. I refuse to be either. I am simply going to make sure I don’t fall into risky behavior. And also to make sure I no longer feel drawn to my subconscious desire to right a wrong that simply can’t be rewritten.

I’m thinking hypnosis may be my next bet but…… I don’t know. Self hypnosis works. I’ve done that with great results. I’m just not sure from what beginning and end point to start this on my own. So expertise is needed, at least to point the way so I can make this journey through the fire….once and for all and escape the horrible shackles that were forced onto me.

To then maybe truly be able to live each moment anew, or at least be closer to it. Work is never done when you’re working on self growth, getting out of our own way and finding peace and happiness within. Never. I guess that’s the point in life……it aims to keep you on your toes. At least it has me. That seems to be my life for sure. But I suppose we each have our own trajectory, don’t we.

May your trajectory surround you with true happiness. 🤗💖🙏🏽🌈🥰💋

No more news feeds

I usually run through my Google News feed a dozen or so times a day, mostly reading the latest news in science, technology, health and psychology. Also in an attempt to stay current on politics, world events and pop culture. Except I’m getting burnt out on the fact that the majority of the titles are so negative and paint the world into a big giant shit-show of greed, war and abuse and I can only handle so much of that viewpoint.

If it weren’t for my absolute certainty that the world holds its balance in good and evil I would have easily succumb to bitterness and anger by now because what you see, the spin the media puts out there is so negative (mostly). It sells. I get it. That’s what they do. That’s how they survive. It’s not a public service. It’s a business. I think everyone pretty much gets that now. Right?

But I want to focus on the good in life. I want to focus on what I can bring to the world. I want to focus on the things I can change. The miracles and magic that is available to us mortal primates. This life is intriguing…..and where I take my mind should be my own doing. I say should because sometimes it seems a fight to think my own thoughts, my own way. A fight that I think is well worth the energy involved to sustain though… to perserve my heart and my own identity in a world that seems determined to squelch it into a square peg.

Instead of my news feed I think I’ll go back to my WordPress feed; except I don’t follow enough people is the thing and it’s become harder to follow the people that follow the people I follow, who seem to have the same interests and interesting lifestyles. But I’d rather invest my energy into real people and real interactions than keep being “socially relevant”. Fuck it. Who am I kidding? I’m not trying to impress anyone.

I’m out to be me. That’s my goal here and to reach my core being and my connection to soul and stare deep into the abyss of eternity as it stares back at me with a depth of knowledge and being that I can only get passing wisps of. So yeah. I’ll be much less informed…… but that’s alright. I’m not up for a Nobel prize or a stand-by stint on Jeopardy. Who are we kidding here?

I’m just trying to be happy and figuring out what doesn’t make me happy is a crucial part of that piece. So sayonara Google News feed. Arrivederci. Adios. Good riddance. I’ll be a bit worse at small talk now, but I never was that good at it to begin with. 🤣😝

Happy Monday!! 🌈🙏🏽💖🌊💖💋

I’m so horny

Ever since Brad got me back into porn I have been a bit obsessed. And it becomes a vicious circle. I only think about it when I’m horny but watching and thinking about it makes me hornier. Tonight, I was masturbating, getting worked up, on my way to orgasm number two when the tiny tot came in to bed with me. Ugghhhhhhh

I could finish here but I don’t know if the vibrator shakes the bed. I could go to the couch but the thought is not appealing. I would still need to be quiet as a mouse….in my own house. Can’t even masturbate to my hearts content. Jeesh

I told Brad I want to lock him in his room for 2 days when he gets back, put porn on the TV and just have sex and sleep and the rest exclusively as needed. The thought sends shivers down my spine, in a good way.

Now that summer is coming maybe I’ll throw my robe on, grab a few blankets and head out to the yard to masturbate once the kids are asleep. That sounds like a thrill and fun too. Neighbors won’t really be able to see me so no fear of having the cops called on me. Lol

I am still sweating and heart beating fast ….. an orgasm would really hit the spot. Ho hum



I’ve always loved to go to psychics. Sometimes what they say is very helpful and sometimes it’s not that revolutionary.

I woke up with a massive migraine. I slept horribly and I felt nauseous and light headed. I had made this appointment with a psychic based on a really great Groupon. I probably should have known better. She was actually very good. She nailed all my past issues, written on a piece of paper before I got there even.

She just had nothing useful (that I didn’t already know or was working on; except to recommend some books and) just that I need to focus more on myself. She said that I may consider that perhaps I am in a relationship that doesn’t align with what I need in my life and that my living situation was going to improve for the better with a move possibly in order.

I was in the middle of a full blown pain cycle so I don’t recall anything else. I was in so much pain I even considered going to the ER when I left her house. But knowing the only drug I would want them to give me would be a very small dose of morphine and the chances of that are probably bad, so it wasn’t worth the effort or time or money to even try.

Instead I came home and forced myself to sleep and woke up at a level 3 instead of deathcon. I’m going to try some food, a sinus rinse, an enema and some pot and if all those fail then an orgasm to get it down to zero because an uncontrolled migraine tends to escalate back up given very little time. At least for me they do.

I should try and rest. Obviously my body is telling me it’s overloaded with stress and I should listen. But the house is a mess and I set aside today to clean and organize and while yes, it will be there tomorrow and the next day to be handled just as well and today is the only day off I’ve had all week. I should rest. But I’m so tired of looking at this messy house. I guess the migraine will dictate. This may just be a stay in pajamas and hang out with the kids day after all.

Wishing you a happy Sunday. 💋

Domme Revisited – again

Brad and I have been throwing around the idea of me having a Dominatrix studio again. The thought absolutely thrills me. He says “what else besides Dominating will you do?”. I said “well….no sex for starters. I would want a high end place where we could host parties and rent it out but more importantly where I can do classes. Couples play, dominatrix training, submissive training”. I’d love to also learn and teach tantric and hypnotic play.

I’d love to have an arsenal of submissives always there to be played with. Oh the fun to be had…..

Do I have time for this? Lol. Well… who knows? The hardest thing would be finding a good location I think. And then advertising and getting the word out. Some gorilla marketing would be in order.

It’s just so fun to talk and think about. I’d have my own thrown though …..finally ……just like it should be (and not the porcelain kind).