Common Sense (to me)

I realize I suffer from gross and negligent naïveté. I also realize I am an expert at absolutely nothing*. You would think that would stop me from weighing in on hefty subject matters; but it doesn’t. Rest assured I feel well within my rights to espouse my opinion if for no one else’s delight but my own.

1) Climate change may or may not be caused by humans. Frankly it’s an idiotic stance either way. Reality is that it’s happening and it’s detrimental to our habitat and is impacting not just our present atmosphere and weather patterns but will impact every aspect of our lives; from food and air quality, land structure and natural disasters to simply being able to stand in the sun. Can’t we stop arguing about who, why, when and just fucking handle it. Let’s be proactive although at this point it’s beyond the pro part really.

2) Mexican Caravans? We’ve done more to affect the economies and governments in South America than most people realize. Just one example: we helped lead a coo against the democratic government in Guatemala that instilled military oppression and ruined their economy. Our hands are as bloody as most world powers from any age past. It surprises no historian but my thing is fucking own this shit. Own it!!!

Why do we even have borders? Why do we even have fences and cages and them/us mentalities? It boggles my fucking mind. Truly does. You see an image of the world from space and it looks so serene and beautiful. I want to see all the wonders and meet all its cultures and people and experience it all. We selfish, useless humans are idiots of the grandest scale. We take this gorgeous, glorious world and ruin it with petty grievances, war mongering and me, mine, ours mentality.

3) Corporate greed is rampant and completely out of control and the fact that corporations have as many if not more rights than human beings is disturbing as fuck. Two example: Enron and Monsanto and there are many, many, many more. At one time corporations provided life long stability and safety for all workers and now it’s a mass cash grab for investors, CEO’s and government officials with little regard for public safety, employee retention/happiness (let alone livelihood) or environmental duty. Treason!! That’s right; I said it.

4) Big Pharma: I could rant for hours on this one. I’ve never, not once had a convincing argument with anyone where my points weren’t valid against the power that pharmaceutical companies have and yield; scholars, doctors, pharmaceutical reps. The damage these companies cause to me generally outweighs the benefits, but that’s a hard argument to push when some of these drugs do save lives. It’s how I feel about western medicine in general though: absolutely fabulous, world class, emergency care. I would want to be no where else in the world for that.

Preventative, palliative and rehabilitative care is mediocre to absolutely, deathly damaging. The flu shot this year had a less than 20% efficacy and they push it like it’s a fucking life-saver. What about all the carcinogens and additives they put in it? No one blinks twice. Everyone needs more aluminum directly in their blood stream. Don’t they?

One thing. One last thing. Why are vaccines the only drug they give to everyone exactly the same; irregardless of health issue, weight, heredity, or anything else? No other drugs are administered like this. Do you know how many billions of dollars these companies make off the fragile backs of our children? I am not giving my child over 70 vaccines before they turn 18. That’s fucking ridiculous!!!! And if there is any question whatsoever as to their danger they should err on the side of caution…. but no. You’re not even legally allowed to sue pharmaceutical companies. “Good luck suckers!”- pharmaceutical companies

I could go on…. but I’m super busy today.

I care. I truly do care but I’m beyond doing anything more than helping those I can from where I am in the world. And just laughing at the lunacy of everything else; because the alternative is to cry and I’d be crying all fucking day long.

God I need to have sex. Can you tell?? But I’m left to masturbate for the next few weeks as Brad just flew out to help his father move. Ugghhhhh. Frustrated. Don’t even have time to masturbate…… have to pencil it in for later tonight …maybe…. hopefully. This frustration needs an outlet and I’m not feeling well enough to exercise yet. I’ll just plan out my fantasies now that I’ll masturbate to later. That will be good. Gotta go! ❤️💋

———

*Well. I know a few things: digestive health, sexual delights, mothering, getting to a place of serenity, homeopathy, maybe a couple more. Lol. But an expert? Well, frankly, I’m just not pompous enough to even want that title.

Boyfriend Duty 101

I’m sick…. not feeling well. My head hurts. My side aches. I feel like I’m both starving and nauseous at the same time. I’m laying on the couch wishing for a warm blanket and soup. Knowing the only way I’m getting them is if I do it myself.

If I ask Brad he would gladly come and take care of me…. but I’m irritated beyond all civility that I should have to ask. Yes I know he has a million things to do. I suppose it didn’t occur to him. He did offer to drive down when I first got to drivers ed. Knowing I would be stuck there two hours I told him no. Maybe he should have called to clarify with me. Maybe I should have told him to come but when I’d be home.

Why am I so mad????

I want to be pampered. I DO NOT want to have to ask for it. What’s the point of having a boyfriend?

Maybe the pain is causing me mild delirium. Maybe I need to process this tomorrow or the next day after I’m feeling better.

He leaves Tuesday for a few weeks so I shouldn’t give him the cold shoulder much longer without explaining my position. I just don’t feel I should have to. Isn’t this like the basics? For fucks sakes!!

I know he loves me. Why am I being so difficult?

Mama Drama

I don’t like drama. It’s bad on my psyche. Way, way, way long gone are the days I enjoyed having wild dramatic episodes in my love life. It just exhausts me now truthfully. I simply can’t muster the emotional energy for it anymore.

Today has been quite the test for that. I woke up at 11. Crawled out of bed at noon and desperately tried to get my ex to take our kid to drivers ed. Not only because they charge per missed class but because it was late already and both the instructor and the other teenager were going to be inconvenienced and once I make a commitment I do everything in my power to get it done; delegating still counts in my book.

I got in a quick coffee enema and literally made it with not a minute to spare. The instructor was getting in his car to leave as we pulled in. It just made me feel worse… but thankful I got her there and he was willing to get the class time in.

Meanwhile back at the ranch my ex painted Brad into a corner. “Why did he just drop me off last night? Why hadn’t he stayed with me if I was sick? Why did I even go out? If he’s talking marriage why isn’t he stepping up? Where is he now that I need him?” On and on he went and would not budge on taking the rest of the afternoon off work. He can’t afford it he said and stuck to his guns. I know he’s right… assuming he really does not have any more paid time off which I can only hope he wouldn’t lie about but who knows.

Meanwhile Brad gets angry as well because why does Jason get to dictate when and how he can participate and set expectations up for him…. when he was the one keeping him from coming over last night to the party to begin with. Am I just utterly and incomprehensibly naive? Why can’t I sort this out?

This is when I want to cry. This is when I miss having family that cares and good friends that would possibly help in these situations. I have nothing…. none of those. I have two men in my life. One by choice and one I’m tethered to for life like it or not and yet neither came through. Brad potentially would have had I had more foresight maybe but it’s all I could do to keep myself out of the ER last night with my self care pain protocol. He wouldn’t stay last night after he dropped me off and I didn’t force the issue. He cited many valid issues; not that any mattered to me then. But….. what was I to do?

I’m tryin not to feel sorry for myself. I did this all to myself really. I married my ex and had 3 kids. I drank habitually since 15. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m a bit mad at these men but even then…. it doesn’t solve anything to be so. But still here I am in a parking lot crying. It’s such a beautiful fall day too.

You know what life….. you’re not taking me down. I will find joy. I will find happiness. The colorful leaves sway gently as some brown ones make their slow decent. The crow squawks have subsided and the lull of the cars driving back and forth behind me, sounding like distant waves, remind me….. I have to pee.

Liver Disease

Children don’t do drugs; not by choice at least. Maybe because they are generally much more active and not usually jaded and bitter they don’t need them. I look at my children and wonder why I feel the need to drink alcohol; habit, relaxation, social norm/pressure, enjoyment, that buzzy feeling.

I wish my liver wasn’t under protest about it. It was the munchies 6th birthday party and I firmly believe any adult willing to stay for a birthday party with over 20 screaming kids should have a well deserved, commemorative, alcoholic beverage or two. I made homemade sangria. It was yummy. Then I proceeded to have 2 glasses. Maybe to the normal person 2 glasses is barely a buzz, but to my body it is complete and extreme overload.

I was absolutely exhausted after the party and could barely extradite myself from my children at 10pm to then drive to Brad’s house. I had told him how tired I was and he had told me we would cuddle, watch movies, no sex. I figure if he at least gave me until the morning to get a good nights sleep that would be great. We didn’t make it two hours before he was pouncing on me. I should have known by how extremely tender I was that something was off.

But it’s like a drug when he tell me these things I feel deeply to be true. Today he looked into my eyes as he thrust into me hard and told me how no one has ever turned him on like I do. He says these things that make my insides gooey and they aren’t just lines; at least they truly don’t seem like it to me. He seems to really mean every word and it comes through and hits so many delicate spots inside my heart.

About 2 hours after sex my liver was radiating pain. I hadn’t eaten more than a few fries on the way to his house all night so he made me some eggs. Initially it seemed to help and then almost immediately I felt nauseous and started to do that sweaty, shallow breathing one does when they’re about to vomit.

Brad drove me home, not before wanting to drive me to the ER though.

——–

I’ll have to tell you all the story of my 3 days of no sleep with excruciating liver pain and as high as I could possibly get on THC (for pain). It was one wild ride. I definitely don’t want a repeat of that.

Ay yay yay. A sorry lot he and I are. I have liver disease (undiagnosed but I don’t need a doctor to tell me something so obvious and the ER doctors all seem to concur anyway; even without proof and no I will not let them do exploratory surgery.)

Brad has a gamete of degenerative issues; extreme back pain, nerve damage, sinus problems, insomnia/sleep apnea, reflux, I’m sure I’ve missed a few more.

I need to fucking just accept the fact that I can not drink; not even a little. It just bums me the hell out really. Can I revert back to childlike active innocence where I don’t even miss it? Here’s to hoping if not that….. better. Lol

Truthfully, even though I’ve asked, offered and really want to do the Gerson Therapy with Brad. I know that the liver as regenerative as it is does not regenerate from alcohol poisoning and I have a weak liver. Everyone had a physical Achilles. I have many… lucky me. Anyway. I still would like to do it. If I can get all my other organs functioning well and stop drinking I should theoretically have a full long life. Here’s to the beauty of dreams!!

😂💋❤️🙏🏽

“The Whites”

I took Brad into Gresham to a Mexican grocery store to get the huge pumpkin piñata for the party. We were both starving so we had dinner there. Except for him burning his mouth severely for 10 minutes by taking a huge bite of a whole roasted jalapeño on his dish; he enjoyed his food and he stated “I love The Mexicans”. To which I laughed so hard and said “THE Mexicans?…… Well; I love THE Whites” and we both bellied out….. way too loud.

As we were checking out he made a stupid joke by putting the stopper at the very end of the conveyor belt for our 3 little items (piñata excluded); even though no one was behind us. Claiming the entire belt for us. I then said “yea; don’t let THE Mexicans get close”. It was a bad continuation of our previous joke but of course I talk way too loud and the Hispanic man and his boy in front of us heard. Then to clarify for their sake I said “but no one ever thinks I’m Mexican”.

The damage was done though. What I said gave that man and cashier severe anxiety. He left not only his keys but they both left some of his grocery items there as well. I felt horrible. This place was/is their sanctuary. Their place to come together amongst themselves. A place for them to not have to think or worry about racial injustices and not fitting in. I think I took that for granted because I’ve never had such a place for myself and I didn’t recognize how significant that is to them. Needless to say I’ve banned myself from ever going back.

But my point remains that because I don’t look like what I am; neither Cuban, Mexican nor American (white US citizen) I’ve never had a place I truly felt I fit in. Never a place where I could take for granted that there were people exactly like me there. I remember telling my parents that I wish they had never migrated to this country to which they both correctly state I would have never then been born. I still affirm that as a worthy sacrifice.*

This is not to say that I take for granted the privileges that being born in the US have allowed me. This is not to say I am not proud to be from the USA or California made. I truly am. It’s just to say that not having an identity that is relatable to anyone else has been one of my greatest difficulties in life. It’s fine. I don’t let it get me down. I don’t rest my happiness or unhappiness there but maybe that is also why I don’t understand how people can be racists; because I can’t claim access to any of the clubs. I’m a bystander in the turmoil with no homefield advantage anywhere in the world.

I belong nowhere. Sometimes; especially since my family disowned me last year (over me testifying against my molesting uncle in court,) I feel like Stitch (Lilo & Stitch) in the first movie where he can’t find home, because it never existed for him to begin with.

I see the little boy that just came from China at my daughters school and I feel for him. While he does have a dedicated culture and country; he left it all behind to start fresh. He still struggles with the language. This culture is completely new to him. He is a very sweet boy who I see struggling to fit in.

The children around him aren’t cruel or trying to be hurtful; but they are just young children who don’t understand that their laughter when he makes mistakes and doesn’t understand something which they see as completely basic hurts him deeply. This is his unfortunate cross to bear; no matter that he is only 11. We all have them; he may have more and worse. Who’s to know. Life can be very unforgiving.

——-

Brad stayed for the first time last night. I tried so hard to make him comfortable and tried also to let myself find happiness there. He woke me up twice for sex. After the second time (and he was sure I orgasmed…..maybe a 4 😉) he left. I’m neither happy nor unhappy about it. It’s probably easier that he did. I recognize that him being around my kids still brings me anxiety; and tonight was no different. Hard to say how much is me and how much is him. He can be very inappropriate and I have severe PTSD. Maybe not the best combination.

Plus the fact that we are both extreme perverts doesn’t help probably. In BDSM there is an inherent underlying current of danger. Even though truthfully he has been less and less aggressive with me as we go along…. which I actually like. There is something to be said for tenderness. But it still doesn’t negate the difficulties we are having. I keep thinking it should be 100%. That I need to have absolutely zero doubts and yet will that ever, given the trauma I’ve experienced, be the case? I somehow think it won’t be, but….. I also can’t settle for less. See the problem?

———-

*I’ve written about it on my other blog. I won’t go into extensive detail but I think people shouldn’t leave their countries. I think they should stay and fight for their lives; for their livelihoods, for their culture, land, families. It sucks that we live in a world where countries, governments, corporations, people pillage all they can and just sit back and watch those they’ve raped suffer needlessly…. horrendously sometimes. This world is maddening.

–//

Tomorrow is another day. The possibilities are endless. I open my heart…. looking for happiness wherever that lies. Trying not to perpetuate more crimes against humanity. Forgiving myself for my idiocy. Forgiving others for theirs. Finding a common thread. Trying at least. Me, bubble bath, chocolate and strawberries, THC, 9pm tomorrow. It’s a date. Happy Place….. I’ll see you soon.

I need some more beauty sleep. 💤🤗❤️💋

Sex Tally (Rated R)

Brad has asked me the last few times to give him a scale of how good sex was. Lol. I find it funny but now that I’m having consistent sex that doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Sometimes I swear he only has sex on my account and other times…. hmmmmmmm. Lol. Not complaining at all whatsoever…..believe me.

Today we don’t have a lot of time so he’ll be helping me prep for the party and spending the night. I plan to play hard tonight if we both have the energy. Possibly peg him with my new, giant, beautiful cock. Lol.

Anyway. We did play a little this afternoon before I picked up the two littlest from school. I did this to him.

I rather like my work. I find it very erotic and artistic. This is why I love rope play so much; it’s part of my multi-purpose love affair and who doesn’t like something aesthetically pleasing?

I thought I had this whole scene on video and I look down and I hadn’t started the video. You all missed out but here is what I did manage to get.

So then we had sex. Here is the synopsis of my 8.5 orgasm. He got on top for a minute. Then we switched. I grabbed two bullets. His and mine. His went into his ass. Mine went on my clit. Then he switched between playing with my nipples and very light breath-play. He held his hands over my mouth while I orgasmed which we now know causes more intense orgasms. Never too late to learn new tricks boys and girls. 😉

Heart of Gold – Neil Young

I remember I put that on my Fetlife profile once. Searching for a heart of gold. I did meet some really great people on my dating journey. I connected deeply with a few special guys and now here I find myself in the girlfriend stage. It’s obviously a precursor to marriage; if we get there.

I don’t have as much anxiety as I was experiencing earlier. In fact, right now we are in a really good spot. We’ve hit a really nice little groove. I hate to say it. I hate to jinx it. To find someone who not only loves me deeply, understands me, accepts and adores me as I am, that takes me with all my baggage and lifts me up in so many ways, with kindness, with emotional, physical, financial support, with so much love, consideration and fulfillment of my extreme tactile needs.

I feel so lucky and somehow I am trying not to be scared. I am trying to keep myself open and vulnerable to it. It’s easy sometimes and it takes breaking down some walls others. It takes making a lot of steps in the dark and hoping that not only is my footing stable but there aren’t legos or minefields underfoot, until I feel the light again.* Hoping this is the “little steps” ( – Merrie Armsterberg) towards what I’ve wanted my entire life.

No pressure! Lol

But lately some days I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

In so many ways God has blessed me tremendously as of late and I am so greatly humbled and full of deep gratitude and overwhelmed…..

Happy tears are the best. Aren’t they?

——

*As far as my ability to trust (myself even) and my severe ptsd with men and relationships in general.