If you must feel terror

Feel terror at being your true authentic self always.

Terror of being vulnerable, completely honest and open to the world.

Even amidst the pain of life and threat of almost everything.

That is the only terror I wish anyone; ever

The rest I wish would be all blue skies for everyone; always.


This is my issue*

With corporations who don’t give back to the people it benefits from, and not even it’s own employees. To all philanthropy and even government programs.

It needs to work where you ask what the fuck people need from the people themselves (as well as the experts and psychoanalyst in the field, in the trenches, doing the work.)

Not just assuming what people want. We need to know, and know we know as best we can know about what there is to know about what is needed.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Sorry. Where was I going?


*Get a consensus of some kind that makes sense for everyone, and truly benefits and isn’t just a PR stunt, and THEN PROCEED. Do your due diligence as much as possible without your head up yo ass thinking you and your army of yes people decide well enough or whoever else pulls the strings. This goes for ALL political sides and most large groups of almost any kind. A lot of corruption and/or ignorance it seems. But what do I know? I just clean asses for a living. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


*Of course it works both ways though. Doesn’t it? Doesn’t everything it seems? Work multiple ways. But government’s should be able to ask its citizens and corporations and businesses for things. I firmly believe this.

When they put an email out asking for medical supplies I offered up. Not much. I don’t have a lot but I did. It’s the least I can do. And stay home as much as possible and not help spread this disease more.

What a strange thing to be saying in life. It really feels odd. Right?


I know. I know!

It definitely feels that way.

I was laughing today. I was feeling like Rocky Balboa in that it feels like all of my turbulent past and hardships in life prepared me for a time like this; so far at least. The hard knocks and learning things outside “mainstream” has put me in a place where I feel I was meant to be.

I thought to myself. Health, happiness and to help humanity. 3 H’s. HHH. That’s what my life comes down to. I’ve wanted happiness my entire life. I’ve learned the value of health and I’d love nothing more than to help humanity and all of the earth and it’s people, places, creatures and things. All the things seen and known plus all the unseen and unknown. All of the hear and now, with all of its difficulty.

I guess the blessing in the curse of my life is that it’s prepared me pretty good for enduring and persevering. We humans have such an extraordinary power for that. And I know this isn’t the end for humanity.

So we will figure this out. We just all need to lend each other a hand as best we can from where we are, in whatever capacity we find ourselves in life. Everyone has a purpose. I divinely believe that to be true. Even if we can’t see it clearly yet. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ


Some memes to (maybe) lighten your spirit. If just one hits the spot that’s good. No? 🀣🀣🀣

Lol. I know chemical castration doesn’t work that way, but it’s funny. No? A little?


*It helps watching people outside. There is something uplifting about that. Joggers. They’ve always lifted my spirits watching them and before jogging myself. It’s such a nice pick me up. Tomorrow: yoga. Outside may be nice. Yep yep.

Happy Birthday to meπŸ₯³

It’s that day again. I have always enjoyed celebrating birthdays; not just my own but everyone’s. My ex-husband used to have this thing where he never told his co-workers it was his birthday so if he had to work I would bring a cake and pizza to his workplace and embarrass the crap out of him. I would laugh so hard doing it too. I threatened to send clowns; but that never happened because he started requesting his birthday off.

He was the first one to text me today. But Brad still won that battle by dropping off my present and a balloon last night after I went to sleep. I have somehow gotten myself into these situations between men my entire life, sometimes even completely unbeknownst to me. One time I had two best friends make a $1 bet to see who would get me first. I only found out after I began dating one of them. I used to think it was just a way to give them permission to both pursue me but now I lean more to thinking that people; especially men, love to compete. But who knows?

My mother asked me what I wanted. I said “freedom”. Once she made me clarify how I meant it exactly she told me it was too far above her pay grade and we settled on a box of See’s Candy.

One of the kidlets has two doc appointments today. So we will be out all afternoon together; come home, shower and wash/disinfect our clothes.

My eldest drew me this. It’s from a photo of when she was small. What else could I want in life?


The bank gave me notice that I have until the end of the month to make my first mortgage payment on the loan modification terms. At that time they’ll start foreclosure proceedings, but I can also reapply. Except I don’t see the point right now. It will buy me more time, but πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ. I suppose if I can rent out the house at that time and at least keep my investment, but I can’t predict anything with the way the world is going right now.

I am still seeing if I get the hardest hit loan from the state. But I’m not sure, if it even comes through, it will be enough to cover what I owe.

So I’ve started to spitball ideas of where to move. Guessing this summer we will have to make that happen. That seems so far away though, even though it’s only 2 months from now really. My expenses are so high living here that even without paying a mortgage but especially without my part-time job and currently having my businesses closed I can not afford to live here. I am having to draw from my meager savings. Which I’m sure is what a lot of people are having to do right now.

I do have colonic clients wanting to come in and I’m hearing from a lot of people wanting to sell things on consignment on eBay. So, now that my liver is back and I’m feeling pretty good I guess I’ll start working next week.

Honestly, truthfully, there are instances where I can stop people from going to emergency with colonics. I hate that people get to that point, but I’m glad I can help people avoid going to the hospital; especially now. Right?

Well……off to start my day.

Big hug from my heart to yours.


Don’t need it

I used to really identify with the song “love to be loved” by Peter Gabriel. I used to feel this deep emptiness inside that I thought I needed someone to fix or heal or love. Not to say people can’t help in that respect but I’ve learned over the years that what I mainly need to heal, grow, thrive and be at peace within myself is my own love. Once I found that I no longer felt an empty void. I no longer felt the need to be needed.

Now I am still a social creature. I still love and enjoy people but I feel very firm within myself that I don’t need accolades, merit badges or commendations of any kind to feel worthy of love, especially not my own. I don’t need it. It’s nice, sure, but it isn’t necessary to my well being.

Maybe because I have lived counter to so much of what I’ve seen in this world, I’ve thought such extreme thoughts and fought such extreme battles within and without that I feel firm enough within myself to have happiness with who I am trying to be: me. That’s it. Nothing else. Just who I was put here to be.

I’m happy I get let to be that person. And on the marquees of my next abode will be the simple phrase “free to be”. Because we all deserve such a wonderful blessing. We all do indeed.



Brad bought all this stuff for a great meal. I cooked it. It was so delectable. Filet mignon, mashed potatoes, grilled onions and mushrooms, roasted brussel sprouts, feta cheese bread.

No restrictions on that meal. I told him after the fact that this was my birthday dinner. Even though my birthday is tomorrow I doubt we will do anything even remotely noteworthy. I plan on making the kids lives difficult by having a device free day.

But that’s all I want. Right now we seem so glued to our devices and TV’s and computers. I want to get outside too, even though it will probably be raining all day. We’ll see how far we get.

Brad also asked me yesterday what kind of man I was going to date after him. As if those plans were already in motion. Sometimes I really have no clue what people want of me when they say silly things. I told him that as far as I was concerned if and when we were no longer a thing I had plans on going asexual. Not looking for companionship with any man or woman, not sexually and definitely not for a relationship. I plan on working on myself, and my spiritual path.

He laughed and asked if he had ruined me. I didn’t understand why he would say that. I just don’t want anything from anyone besides to share joy and authentic connection and I don’t need sex or a piece of paper or intentions of anything besides just being.

That’s all I want to be. I want the right to be happy with myself and I don’t need anyone for that. I really don’t. I guess I could be wrong. I’ve been known to be wrong here and there. But my hard knocks make me who I am I suppose and I really just need to stay true to me. That’s all I really do need and sometimes that takes reminding myself what I don’t need.