I don’t entertain nonchalant men. I need a man to make it known beyond a shadow of doubt that he wants me, needs me, is desperate for ME and me alone. Why? Lol well…… because it’s fucking glorious to be the center of one person’s universe. It isn’t a matter of worthy or unworthiness. It’s a matter of absolute necessity to me. Because otherwise what’s the damn point? I’d rather be alone than be someone’s just ok, just for now or good enough. Nope. Next!
But how many men do I need? Truthfully, I need one. Just ONE. Last night my business mentor threw me a curve ball with trying to make our arrangement more personal. He was not shy about it either. This is a wonderful man. Emotionally mature and available, settled in life, understanding, transparent and vulnerable….he also has children my age, but more importantly I have been in this on again / off again pattern with Brad and haven’t quite thrown in the towel on that yet.
If I were not with Brad would I entertain him? I’m not sure honestly. I was told by my psychologist that I need to go out with men that I don’t have a magnetic pull towards. Men that don’t make me swoon, because those men all seem to mimic a pattern I need to avoid. Harsh. 😒
(You know….. I didn’t ask for the difficulties in my life. I didn’t ask for problems most people can’t wrap their heads around. I didn’t ask to have so much heaviness surrounding me. And while I take it all in stride and just make the most of it, it still makes it hard to make friends. It makes it hard to date. It makes it hard to navigate the delicate balancing act I must always maintain. One people don’t see and aren’t aware of but colors my life so many shades of deep emotional pain.)
My mom says “I can see the allure for Brad. You’re his damsel in distress”. I hate that. I don’t see myself that way. All I want and need from a man is love, understanding, to be my rock and my support but most importantly I need an oasis from the turmoil in my life. As of now Brad both adds and takes away stress and if we can’t balance this out more in favor of taking away or at the very least NOT adding then it’s doomed.
But I’m going one day at a time here. Trying to just go with the flow. I have no idea what the future holds. I know what I want and I know what I will and won’t put up with. I know I need respite. I need adoration. I need space to be myself and an understanding of my needs and fulfilment of my deepest yearnings. I long to give myself fully and completely to a man….. give all my love, my life, my entire being over to a love so true.
I mean… I’ve only waited my whole life to do this. I’m not settling. When it comes it will come. When I know, I will know. I don’t need to justify myself. These are my needs. These are my desires. One day one man will find himself with a love like no other. I guess we shall see who that will be.