Was it heaven?

I was thinking last night after trying to muscle through that movie that they made one good point I hadn’t thought of or questioned in terms of my experiences. The all, is not built on duality. Hell is based on the duality of evil and heaven should be based on the duality of goodness. I just assumed it was heaven I visited and over time I’ve heard of people that have died and crossed over only to be brought back and their visions sound very similar to mine.

It felt like the all. I’ve explained this all before in another post so I won’t rehash it too much. But could there be something even better than I witnessed?

It seems so impossible to me, but that’s not a word I generally like to use. But to think of it kind of sends shivers down my back. If I could convey to you the beauty of heaven or whatever I saw you might understand why thinking that something better and more expansive than infinite connectiveness, all knowing, all being, all time, all space, no division, just deep pulsating belonging. A feeling a million times better than what we consider love and happiness. To think there is better than that almost leaves me speechless and on the verge of tears. It’s just something at present I can’t even begin to imagine. To see or comprehend or feel what that might be would be an awe without words.


I was asking for more signs last night. More signs for how to access healing better. Why can’t I not get sick? Why can I sometimes help and others not my children? Where is that magic switch? Is there one? Why do physical maladies always seem to plague me when I am on spiritual journeys? I’m sure there is a reason, something I’m not seeing.

Then this morning I came to start up the studio for an early morning client. My head a bit foggy, my sinuses mucousy, and as I walk in the light to the treatment room is on and I never leave it on. Except it had been bright during the day when I cleaned so I’m sure I did. But at that moment it was one of those “aha” things, where I knew that was a clear sign. That was my way.

Hey….I’m not trying to make sense of the how or why really, I just want to get to the heart of this. If I had to figure it all out without being able to skip some steps and show my work I’d drive myself crazy. I always hated showing work in school. I never got why I had to. I always got the answers right. If anything it just made me mad having to backtrack and slow down my processes to convey how I did it mentally on paper, since I could think a hundred time faster than I could write, it seemed. I’m definitely not that whipper smart academically anymore. But good thing the kids are. Lol

It is the reason why I prefer reading to videos. I can read sooooo much faster than people can talk. Sometimes when I’m trying to absorb a video or live subject matter of not much difficulty I actually have to multi-task to fill in the voids in my thoughts or it starts to feel like torture. Reading being self paced doesn’t do that to me. Thankfully or I’d probably be dumb as a doorknob if I didn’t enjoy reading as much as I do. Lol. Who knows.


I’ve been saying this thing to myself lately just to make myself feel better.


That is the order. That is always the order. Don’t ask me why but that order feels right, as if I was already telling myself there is something beyond. It seems blasphemous though to say it out loud. That which I believe with my entire being and now I’m questioning it. It’s heresy is what it is and yet it feels right.

I love my house

I don’t think I’ve ever truly said that of most homes I’ve had. Some have had huge plusses, but something was always off. The neighborhood was iffy, the house needed a lot of repairs, the rent kept skyrocketing… something always it seemed. But here, this little house for my little tribe of girls and pets, my business is just a dream come true.

Stability for my kids in a nice, family oriented, safe community that is the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived and I’ve lived in Mazatlan.

When I went around introducing ourselves to the neighbors one of them told us how the previous owner of this house (not last second to last owner) loved his house and did all the updates (or almost all) that we see. You can tell this house has been very loved. It has that feel to it. Bright and cheery and every nook some new detail to see. That’s what you get with a 100plus year old home. Character built upon characters. I always wonder who added this? Who changed that? I’d love to be able to have the time to do some research. Guess where there is a real desire one finds the way…one day. Maybe.

I’ve never lived in one city for as long as I’ve lived here. Never. I’ve always kind of ricocheted around. This is the first time I’ve started to feel some real roots in my life, some solidity… precarious as it may be. Guess if I had to tell the truth I am very used to this feeling, but I’m definitely ready for a very much positive change to this pattern. Most definitely ready. 🙏🏽💖

My 3 babies

I knew the instant I was pregnant with my first born

I just knew

It almost literally felt like a spark

I’ve been pregnant lots of times when you count pregnancies, miscarriages and such. It only ever happened one other time with the love of my life and he would not let me keep the baby.**

Anyway. Circle to being pregnant with my eldest and I was not working for most of that pregnancy. Mostly because I never had easy pregnancies. This one had me vomiting profusely from day one till well into 4 months, with massive headaches to boot. Anyway. I loved laying in bed listening to her heartbeat. One day out of the blue I hear through the headset “hi mama” in the cutest little voice which I recognized immediately when she was about 3 or 4. But at the time the incident threw me for a loop. I immediately took off the headset, flying it to the floor of the closet and never looked at it again until I sold it at a garage sale.

Now I was telling her when I told her this story for the 10th time at least recently. I said now with everything going on if that happened I’d probably sit and have a conversation with you. In retrospect I should have seen that my powers were increasing if I looked at the sequence and strength of the events.

Next came my middle. 5 years later within a month of finding out about the first. The first was at one of too few weekends at Grandma’s (not my mom, never). My period wasn’t due for another week and we had all this time and energy for (fun) debauchery….in my mind at least. I was in the bathroom when I sensed this little being clinging to my leg with curly, curly dark black hair. The hair was a bit too curly and dark to be my child’s. Plus this child was smaller, plus she isn’t here. Duh. Still…… even though I was looking in the mirror at nothing I was seeing it out of my peripheral vision. So I turned to look straight at nothing.

It was not a scary presence. It was flattering that it loved me so much and wanted to be near me. I brushed it off as funny and cute and kept on my day but when she appeared again shortly after still clinging desperately to my leg I told my ex I need to buy a pregnancy test. He asked me if I was late and I said no, it’s not even due yet. I told him what I saw and we laughed about it, but it wasn’t quite as funny when I was indeed pregnant. Don’t ask me why. Lol

Then at our Long Beach First Street apartment I was already 7 months if not more when I was waddling about the kitchen making dinner and saw the vision of a child peeking at me from the doorsil. I knew this child was her, the baby inside me. I just knew. So I wasn’t scared. I said “are we playing peek-a-boo?” because she kept hiding and peeking….just for like less than a minute probably. I assume it’s done. I really don’t know though so I probably just kept an open mind like I always try to.

As I’m walking to go outside, it’s a beautiful California day and everyone is playing on the front lawn I see her standing there with bangs and haircut a bit longer on the sides to be a simple bowlcut, hair straight as could be. Dark brown but a little reddish or orangish hair color and a beautiful smile. I walk towards her. I think I said “there you are” and then I never saw her again until birth.***

The funny thing is until this last year she didn’t quite look like what I imagined so I questioned the validity of that vision, even as I was still compelled to tell everyone about it. Lol. And then this year I remember staring at her as the light hit her hair, standing in the same fashion and it was like a “ping” memory that just snapped into being.

These are my three beings born in this life to me. I treasure them infinitely. I hope I don’t screw um up to much. Right now they are some incredible, beautiful little human beings and I’m so happy to be their mothers. I would mean a lot more if they weren’t all in different stages of being sick though. 😝

Blessings of health to your children….in whatever stage of being they may be.🌈😛🙏🏽💖🥰💋💤 (Sleeping…what I should be doing)

**Which is why I cursed him. It’s when I A) believed in them and B) was inmature enough to think I knew how and C) not sufficiently versed in karmic law. Only curse I ever put on anyone, only curse I ever will. Fingers crossed. 😂(jk)

***Women and moms have so much guilt. The good ones know how to pass it around is all. 😉. I have guilt that the thoughts I thought while pregnant, the things I ate, the things I watched all play a role in the development of my babies and it wasn’t all great. I was depressed with one of them, sick like a dog for parts of all of them, watched violent shows for some strange reason (as if a craving with one), didn’t eat always the best, no I was not shooting heroine or fucking strangers or any such deal. Just boring regular things. So why the guilt? Ugghhhhh. Lol

Ode to a mountain


I just wrote this epic


Deep and meaningful poem to Mt. Hood

And I realized half way through I wasn’t writing it down on anything

And I am way too stoned to remember it in the morning.

I remember actions and conversations but not all random thoughts

It would just be way too many. Lol

It is also a nod to my psychologist

Who I adore so much


I hope I remember

I sometimes write them out of order in my head

So I’m pretty sure I had an end. Lol

Driven to connect

I get it now

We are driven by a need to connect

Which isn’t just psychological

Or out of necessity

It’s spiritual

We nurture and energize each other

Like how alive you feel when you’re with someone you truly love

I’m reminded of trees and how they interlace their roots

Becoming like one

An intricate weave of interconnection

Hidden below ground

I saw a tree recently that was so desperate to connect its limbs

It grew a root over a small creek to link to another

You could tell one connected into the next

Almost completely seamless too

As if to say

Welcome kindred soul

Three Beauties

I was talking to my eldest tonight and she says to me, why can’t you just make all my decisions for me. In my head I was like “yep, I created you into the perfect sub”. Doesn’t help that she’s a complete Libra absolutely incapable of making a firm decision without prodding and pulling.

The middle one is so very hyper-intelligent but she’s more of a “love me, I need lots of love, but on my terms” person. This intense need probably comes form the very typical and very real middle child syndrome she has going on.

Then munchie is a total spitfire. She used to be the perfect domme in the making but an incident last year squelched her fire a little. I think it will come back in full force eventually in her lifetime. Hopefully.

These beings are the center of my life. Right before I got pregnant I was actually getting ready to go to a Buddhist monastery, sight unseen, believe it or not. Probably not that hard to believe now that I think of it. They knew I was not Buddhist is the most interesting part of that. I can’t remember the name of it. Somewhere in California I believe; a commune type thing.

If it weren’t for these girls at this point in my life a solitary cave actually sounds quite nice.

I think I need a vacation. Lol

Failure to Launch

I’m not feeling depressed. I’m not feeling hopeless. What I’m feeling is a deep displeasure with what people generally think of as reality. The more I get in tune with spirit the more this world seems “a hologram of a halogram of a bad print of a stolen copy of a bootleg recording of what life really is suppose to be”.

I was reading a meme and someone was making fun of a “crazy” person. This “crazy” person was talking about energy and getting hit by waves and I was like wait…hold on…how did they mean that? Why is it automatically crazy? I wonder how many “crazy” people are truly far more in tune then we comprehend.

Frankly, right now….. I’m feeling tired of playing this game. I’m not being annhialistic. I’m just being honest. I feel like we are all “born into the frying pan”, “dance bitch, dance” and I can’t figure out why. I know. I know. I’m the first to say we don’t always get to know the why. But being privy to only part of a secret just makes you irritated, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it?

Obviously, I’m assuming, part of me wanted to be here or why would my consciousness be here? I’m feeling so much like that silly 16 year old that woke up from the most beautiful dream about heaven so very angry to be alive. I’m not angry. Well. Maybe a little.

But life is hard enough with just the face value items presented. I wasn’t given the best stack either and then you add in all this existential bullshit that I can’t unknow and it’s all just a bit much. I tried watching a documentary about quantum science and spirituality. It was so simplified and basic, even with it’s “new science” higgs boson junk angle. We are such morons.

I’m having such a hard time going through the motions of living this stupid life of idiocies masquerading as necessities. So much of how we live is useless ego-driven blathering bullshit. The deeper I go the less I feel like playing. Take back your participation trophy life. Mark me absent. I’ll take a fail. If the life I see presented by “normal” society is really it……then count me out.

The only thing grounding me right now are these three little beings, trying to find their own relationship with reality. I feel for them. I really do. I don’t care that this world is about duality. I don’t care about it’s karmic laws. I don’t care that we feel entitled to the world and beyond as we want to see it, own it, abuse it, conquer it. I don’t care what little minds with even littler hearts tell me is right and wrong.

This world is maddening lunacy. I have found my own happiness within. I have found peace within. I will keep trying to find the answers to the real questions that matter in life….. but not to clarify anything to the world. People see only what they want to and only when they want to. I don’t carry aspirations to be anyone’s savior. It’s not the job I want.

I think I need to find a spiritual mentor sooner than later. I’m done reading. I’m done watching. I want knowing. I want hands on understanding and I want it NOW!! Maybe what I seek isn’t in this dimension though. Maybe my mentor is on another plane. That’s worth considering. Maybe some meditation is in order. If anything it will calm my overly-active hamster wheels tonight. They are most definitely wound tight.

Sweet dreams beautiful, crazy world and all beings swimming around in it. Sweet dreams!