My head was spinning a bit – fecal matter transplants

I had that sit down with the naturopath doing fecal matter transplants locally. Now typically, when I bring up the matter to 99.9% of people they generally have no idea what I’m talking about or know very little. So I end up knowing more than the vast majority of people I talk to about it. This was obviously, most definitely not the case.

I almost wish she had classes and lectures and slides and such because the information she has is dense and very scientific and way too much for me to absorb over a casual dinner. I tried but she knows so much more than I about gut health and terms I’ve never even heard of. I didn’t know how to ask her to dumb it down and stop being so medical termy with me. I’m sure she was probably trying her best. She seemed like a very decent human being.

I left after that evening with a bit of a headache and my tail tucked way up between my legs. It was humbling.

Her research on parasite implantation was also quite mind-blowing. As much as I detest parasites, we have lived amongst them forever, they aren’t going anywhere and I can absolutely believe we may have learned to physically cohabitate with each other in a beneficial and symbiotic fashion. Why not? Just not the majority, I personally feel.

Plus…..and here is where my tail untucks. I think she is wrong on two subjects; which would then make the entire industry of FMT wrong (not really her personally), but I’m going to say it anyway. It is far more efficient to implant the bacteria rectally than orally for starters and I still believe that the seeds from infant feces is the gold standard. I believe there is a direct correlation between the amount of seeds in a babies feces and colic and also their overall lifelong natural immune system. Plus I’m sure a plethora more things.

But what do I say to her. “I unequivocally know I’m right, but I have absolutely no data to prove it. But hey….I’m highly connected to spirit so you can just take my word for it, because I have no doubts at all.”. I’m sure every scientist loves hearing that from laymen. I’m absolutely positive. Lol

Well. Here goes another day and another fifty cents counting for inflation. I’ve always liked Tuesdays for some reason. šŸ’‹šŸ™šŸ½šŸ„°

2 year anniversary

It’s my two year anniversary on this blog. These last two years have been monumentally hard…’s was like everything before was just the build up to this. And now it feels like the avalanche is finally ready to come down and hopefully clear out all the debris and make a fresh start.


I finished my first day of training. It was easy, everyone was nice, low-key. I still cried on the way home. Then I sat on the sofa having a mini pity party and I thought of the older man I spoke to recently at an event. He told me how he goes to interview for IT jobs and he knows more than the millennials running the systems and yet they won’t give him a chance.

I’m really not sure what he expected to get from me with that information. I looked him in the eyes and said “yea, age discrimination is a real thing.” and just walked away without giving him time to respond. I wasn’t trying to be callous but I wasn’t in the mood to follow that lead or bitch about all the issues in the world as they pertain to him, or me, or anyone else really. Shows you just how solid my networking skills are. šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„


The cat has been marking my things: my bed, my shoes, my clothes. It just irks me. It stinks so bad. Why, just why? Do I need more issues in my life? Do I need more struggles? Do I need more to deal with?


I think I’m going to choose to think of this 2 year anniversary as a half way mark. 2 years from now I hope to be in a totally different place in life: financially stable, in a great relationship, having some meaningful and fun friendships and also the time and energy to spend quality time with my kids. None of which I feel I have right now.

2 years is a blink of an eye. I know exactly where I want this road to go, I just have no idea what the path looks like to get there or where it even is. I am so in the weeds right now I don’t even see a path, but I have faith that someway, somehow life will open up for me.

Maybe I just need to blast the avalanche down once and for all and stop trying to carry this all on my shoulders. What is the worst that can happen if I just let go? Hmmmmm.. I don’t know…. but I guess a mom, 3 kids and 3 pets living in a minivan isn’t exactly the best option.

So back to training I go tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t break down in tears again on the way home.

Wild night

I went to the CFNM (clothed female, naked male) event early yesterday. It was fun. The men ran the gamut in age, race, size, education and experience. We played games, a good deal of which involved them dancing for us. It was considerably even more fun when you take into account that it was a dry, day event. My favorite part was lining them all up and smacking them each on the ass. Simple fun delight; my own spanking line.

I saw my two favorite Domme’s there. One who is very sweet and maternal, yet can be effortlessly strict when needed. She leads a lot of events and knows more about the lifestyle and history of Femdom in Portland than anyone I’ve met. The other Domme is just a firecracker. She makes some amazing toys and when challenged will gladly humble a man before her with excruciating pain and a wickedly sweet smile. I adore and revere them both deeply.

Then I went on a couple outings/errands still dressed in my attire. Thigh high boots, leather skirt, bustier, leather jacket, full wig, make-up, the works. All in black. I had my “I am ignoring the world” vibe. It syncs very well with this look and I rather relish that aspect of it. It is Portland, so I didn’t feel out of place. But then again, the wild child in me really doesn’t give a #/$*@.

But, it’s also not like I was trying to just stroll into an Orthodox Church like that either. Lol Even though that does sound like fun. But I don’t go trying to make people uncomfortable or disrespect them purposefully. We share this great big world and I’m not going to be ashamed to walk around in it, dressed however I happen to be dressed. People put way too much emphasis on something so trivial. Which is another reason to embrace nudity.


From there I went home and Brad picked me up and we went to Privata, Portland’s most upscale and expensive sex club. I can’t say it compares to the underground one as I have not been and I haven’t been to all the others either. From what I’ve gathered they are a bit raunchier but also more alphabet friendly (lgbtqia), even though there were some clear bi-lesbians there last night.

We actually got a room nearby so we could drink and enjoy the night together.

At the club we immediately, upon entry, bumped into a gentleman that was volunteering. He zero’d in on me in the most appealing way. He was very charming in a way that felt very genuine. He was actually a huge part of me enjoying the evening, his attention absolutely made my night.

It was a bit depressing being with Brad. I don’t know how to explain it to him without hurting him. He doesn’t seem to understand. It’s not that I don’t care about him and dont want to see him but being with him is a constant reminder that we aren’t meant to be and all the reasons why just keep popping in my head over and over when we are together.

So much so that he will say or do something irritating or juxtaposed to my inklings and I won’t even say anything, because why bother? I’ve given up completely and now I guess we are whatever this is. Fuck buddies I think. Even though he still calls me his girlfriend. I guess it’s better then him calling me his wife.

He said to me last night he will never let me or my kids starve or be homeless. Yep, great, thanks I suppose. I guess it’s nice to have a safety net. Other than during my marriage, I’ve never had someone to depend on in any fashion. I only ever had me. Truthfully, I have a really hard time accepting help because it sometimes come with strings attached. I don’t mind tit for tat situations that are clearly delineated but sometimes people come calling for things you never would have agreed to beforehand.

I’m just not sure what to make of us honestly. He did pay for everything and handed me some flash cash, unexpectedly and the night was very fun.

The club was packed, absolutely packed. The age range was on the younger side, so maybe the economy is booming after all.

So this volunteer kept seeking me out, bought me a drink, chatted with Brad and I throughout the night and I even let him touch me. I could sense how much pleasure it was giving him feeling my skin on his hand. I even let him graze my bare ass a few times. His desire for me, the look in his eyes, it was very captivating. He gave me his number. I guess we shall see what comes of it. I’m not on the hunt for more sex, or any really. But it is nice to be so lusciously desired.

Brad and I left the bar after a little thinking we would be back for the opening of the third floor (the public sex floor), but we never made it back. Which is just as well because he woke my ass up before dawn to take me home. He was worrying about his dog and I understood but I was so hoping to enjoy a morning of room service breakfast in bed. Such sweet luxury for me that I rarely get to indulge in.

Well……. that’s all I’ve got for today.

I have a full week of training for my new job starting tomorrow. I have not gotten paid so little per hour in over 22 years, but this job will work into my life easily and it’s the tangible paperwork I need to satisfy my lenders, hopefully at least…. and if not I won’t feel bad quitting. I am just one of many hires, completely replaceable.

Gloomy and rainy today. I am enjoying it. I think I’ll even go sit in it for a bit with a hot cup of tea.


Sylvia is not gonna be happy

That’s my therapist. She did not want me to pro-Domme. She doesn’t understand how safe it really is though. Men that seek the “dominatrix experience” aren’t aggressors. They are wanting to be the “victim” so to say. It’s a thrilling game of power exchange.

I put out the offer less than 24 hours ago and I already have one confirmed and one pending confirmation. I’m so excited!! It’s work, but some of the funnest work I can imagine. I can’t even express how much I’m looking forward to it. Meeting and interacting with these men in such an intimate way.

It’s so meaningful to be connected with someone so fully. Entrenched in the experience of deep vulnerability, pushing and pulling them from pleasure to pain, from fear to comfort and back again. All without sex or sexual release through orgasm. In fact I plan to punish and humiliate any man that dares to orgasm, even involuntarily during the sessions. Te he he.

There will be those that want me to top them: give me clear instructions on what games they want to play and how they see my role and what kind of experience they want. Others will simply want to relinquish all control to my whims while I maintain their hard and soft limits.

I can’t wait to push their boundaries. I can’t seem to concentrate on much else right now truthfully.

This is my Fetlife advert:

Iā€™m offering Pro-Domme sessions. I have secured the use of an entire sex club for September 30th and October 7th.

Want to make your wildest dreams come true?

foot worship
force against will
high heel fetish
human furniture
physical tasks
pony play
puppy play
sensory deprivation
slave treatment
tenderness (soft play)
Yoni worship

The parameters are that I am in control at all times. You hard limits will be respected and I guarantee lots of fun!!

Absolutely NO SEX. I will remain fully dressed in full Dominatrix attire the entire time.

To secure your spot please private message me.


*I’ll also put up an event if they allow me too. I’m even contemplating maybe hosting a party after each day of sessions but I will probably be a bit tired and I would need dungeon masters and that’s just more organizing than I care to think about right now.

Pro-Domme Trial – What-what!!


I asked God specifically this morning. I said. “You tell me…..where do you want me? And I will go. I will do it. I will be there…all I ask is for ease and stability.”

I was expressly meaning financially but also just asking what is it I need to be doing. Can you just tell me, kind of thing. Because obviously what I’m doing now with the colon hydrotherapy while meaningful isn’t cutting it.

Then later I was thinking about the event this weekend and it came to me like a bolt of lightning. Contact the club again about renting it out and try your hand at being a pro-Domme.

And soooo. I did. And I secured two dates and I’m going to give it a go. If it works out well then this may be exactly where I need to be, after all.

Also though….. I just secured a part-time job today too, which now can provide provable stable income so maybe my mortgage company will hopefully play nice with me.

Things are looking up..

So thrilled.


My eulogy

I remember reading somewhere a suggestion to write your epitath or eulogy rather and work your way back from there in life. I’ve been thinking of that a lot the last few days. Which is an odd thing to think about considering I can’t even clearly see 3 months into the future.

Right now I feel like I’m failing miserably at various roles in my life, bit if I can pinpoint what I want the end game to be, maybe now won’t feel so fucking hard.

I have a lot I want to do: places to go, things to learn, experiences to have. So it’s hard for me to narrow it down. What most clearly comes to mind is being a monk. However that almost seems laughable. For starters I don’t see myself being chaste or single forever. Secondly I hate religious orders. I can’t see myself subscribing to any one of them, nor even founding one. It goes against some of my very core beliefs about greed, indoctrination* and class systems.

So I’ll keep at this. I mean heck. I can theoretically rewrite it every frickin week if I want. It’s not set in stone and I’m not actually writing something that will be used. Its an idea. It doesn’t need to be perfect or accurate or stress inducing.

I’ve got to sit with it a bit more is all. It seems something that could help me tremendously right now; spiritually, emotionally and mentally. And those are all things I value and need.

So expect me to be writing that soon. Just don’t laugh please. I’m really gonna try to let loose. šŸ˜‹


*specifically when talking about a religious environment that doesn’t let you question or criticize those beliefs.

Celebrate myself (long)

I was way, way stoned when I wrote this and this post meanders a lot and maybe isn’t as fluid as I would have liked but editing isn’t my most favorite task either. Reader has been advised. Lol šŸ’‹



celebrate myself

Not because I’m some glorious specimen of a human with all my parts in perfect symmetry and everything optimalized, including the things humans seem most drawn to: charisma, power, beauty, money, light-heartedness, intelligence, etc., etc.

I am not celebrating anything in particular really.

Except the fact that I am trying to be authentically who I am deep inside.

I also think that I can’t truly celebrate other people’s lives and appreciate other people as wholeheartedly and authentically either without feeling it for myself first.*

I have this one life. I want to own it. Whether it is noteworthy, NSFW, politically incorrect, hazardous even or whatever other milieu. I have to speak and be my true self because this is my one chance to do that. Here I AM a ME. And that’s a great experience.**

I have to celebrate myself because we all need someone to celebrate us. Shouldn’t it start with me? I think part of celebrating ourselves is also acknowledging who that truly is, deep down.

And I also think that until we learn to accept who we are completely, how are we to grow, to heal, to shine even the parts some people may not want to see. Even the parts we ourselves may not want to see. Sometimes we have to see what’s “there thing” and what’s ours. We can’t see that clearly until we take a good hard accepting look at the truth.

We also all need to work on keeping up our side of the sidewalk*** and appreciating and celebrating what this life is all about is part of the beauty of it to me.

It’s my sidewalk. It’s the one I’m on. I gotta make that shit sparkle (and count), not just for me but also the ever driving force of trying to be a good example to my children and to help the world if I can.

Because even if you feel someone doesn’t want to see you shine (for whatever reason) you still doing it, should hopefully somewhere inside them make them feel like maybe they can have permission to be authentically themselves and love that person for it too. It can be such a beautiful and moving thing.

And it’s not just a matter of liking myself just to like myself, because of course self esteem is important in life, but this is the way to challenge myself to really like who that is.

To be authentic with myself, as much as possible so I know I am celebrating the right person and then working my ass off to be the kind of person that I can truly appreciate, while forgiving myself profusely when I fail, and then getting up and trying again.

āœØā­šŸŒ šŸŒŸ


*That’s the most incideous part about hatred; it makes it impossible to appreciate that part which you detest. Whatever weakness or loathsome quality you attribute to others or yourself can stake a disease in your heart and soul.

**that’s what this life is. An experience of being a separate being. When in reality our souls all interconnect as one in another dimension, call that whatever you feel like, it’s just a name, the name isn’t the important part. The place is. It exists. I’ve seen it. People that have had near death experiences have seen it.

I can count on two fingers the days I’ve cursed God. Those are both days I will never forget. I didn’t want to be brought back from that place. I was so angry. I cried. I didn’t understand why I had been able to experience that and then dragged back. There had been no pleasant transition or explanation. One second there and another trying to figure out what the heck was happening.

I had to learn what I was. It was like reverse dying where instead of giving you a reel of your life, it gives you a reel of your reality because you lack any context for any of it. It is all wiped clean to (almost only by this way be able to completely) understand and be a part of that other world.

It’s fine if people laugh or mock or don’t believe me. Maybe if I didn’t understand how we are all connected and feel the energy so much. Maybe if I hadn’t had experiences with deja vu and things that simply could not possibly be statistically probable to be coincidences. If I hadn’t seen for myself what people consider “miracles” done by pure faith or simply because that’s how it was meant to be.

In heaven (my usual word for this place because I lack something else to compare it to better or as seemingly accurate) we are all pure.

I’ve talked to too many peoples souls and experienced too much. I know there is truth to what I am saying about being interconnected still, even here, very deeply so.


****although, the image just came to mind of everyone standing on their own decent size square of concrete with a broom. And sometimes you’re sweeping yours and sometimes someone else’s and sometimes others are sweeping yours. Such is probably an apropos analogy for this life.


I like being mostly under the radar. I like being able to breath freely. I don’t live in fear of my life, whether that be for self-affliction reasons, lifestyle or health issues, or because of some outside factors. Even if any of those were to be accurate (which I care to believe isn’t true) that would not change my outlook. Worry and stress are killers.

I can’t say when will be my last breath but I want to take it with peace in my heart. Even if sometimes enjoying that peace and freedom feels like a revolutionary act of war (inside and out of me,) all to itself.

I like to have eternal optimism. Not because I don’t see the issues of the world and its wonderful and varied creatures, rising and dying by both things controllable and uncontrollable. I see most of it all very clearly, at least what I understand so far, which seems a lot to me, but I haven’t met and spoken to all people. lol

I choose to have eternal optimism simply because I have that choice and I exercise the fuck out of it. (And no I’m not talking about sex here šŸ˜‚).